Still a virgin...aged 20

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,
Well my problem is, I'm 20 years old, have had 2 boyfriends, yet I'm still a virgin. With my first boyfriend, (was with him gor 9 months from when I was 17 to 18) I was too scared to go all the way because I was terrified it would hurt. He was also really keen to do it and I was scared it wouldn't live up to his expectations (he criticised me a lot over pretty much everything), plus we used to argue a lot and I figured sex would just be another thing to fight about.He also saw it as purely a physical thing, to me it was emotional too and I wanted my first time to be with someone who loved me, he admitted he didn't. I also didn't like the idea of sex before marriage. He was also a virgin and while it would have been lovely to lose my virginity to another virgin, I kind of wanted someone who was a bit more experienced and knew what he was doing and would take it slowly, instead of rushing it.

With my second boyfriend, I had the complete opposite problem. He was experienced and while I was still scared it would hurt I had left my ideas about no sex before marriage behind, however as much as I wanted to do it he had a really low sex drive so he was never in the mood.

A year later and I'm still a virgin. It depresses me, there's 15 year olds out there who aren't scared to do it yet I still haven't. I'm half tempted to just find some random stranger and do it with them, I'm so embarrassed. None of my friends know I'm still a virgin either so I have to pretend to them that I have sex because as stupid as it sounds, they'd laugh if they knew (yes, some of them are idiots). What do I do? I feel so left behind.

PS Please do not reply if you're only going to laugh at me, I feel bad enough as it is.

Nevyn

Those 15 year olds have for the most part no idea what they are getting into and the vast majority regret it when they are older.

If you were 30 I would say it was unusual but not at 20.
Better it be delibrate decision at 20 with you having sorted out contraception
and making sure that you practice safe sex with a person you trust and like then
drunk in someones house and not remembering much or if a condom was used at 15/16/17.

If you have waited this far and as frustrated as it can be don't throw away your
ideal and desire for things to go the way you want them too.
Trust me when you meet the right person it will happen.

Wishbone Ash

It's not at all unusual - good for you. Your friends may also be pretending:).

dudara

I waited until I was 20, and can truly say that I have no regrets at all. I waited until I met someone who truly rocked my world. It wasn't due to a fear of sex or any phobia like that. It was a matter of waiting until I knew the time was right.

If you feel that you have a genuine fear of sex, you might want to discuss it with a counsellor. Otherwise, just hold tight. You'll know when it's right

Donegal Lass

unregged_girl wrote:

Hi everyone,
Well my problem is, I'm 20 years old, have had 2 boyfriends, yet I'm still a virgin. With my first boyfriend, (was with him gor 9 months from when I was 17 to 18) I was too scared to go all the way because I was terrified it would hurt. He was also really keen to do it and I was scared it wouldn't live up to his expectations (he criticised me a lot over pretty much everything), plus we used to argue a lot and I figured sex would just be another thing to fight about.He also saw it as purely a physical thing, to me it was emotional too and I wanted my first time to be with someone who loved me, he admitted he didn't. I also didn't like the idea of sex before marriage. He was also a virgin and while it would have been lovely to lose my virginity to another virgin, I kind of wanted someone who was a bit more experienced and knew what he was doing and would take it slowly, instead of rushing it.

With my second boyfriend, I had the complete opposite problem. He was experienced and while I was still scared it would hurt I had left my ideas about no sex before marriage behind, however as much as I wanted to do it he had a really low sex drive so he was never in the mood.

A year later and I'm still a virgin. It depresses me, there's 15 year olds out there who aren't scared to do it yet I still haven't. I'm half tempted to just find some random stranger and do it with them, I'm so embarrassed. None of my friends know I'm still a virgin either so I have to pretend to them that I have sex because as stupid as it sounds, they'd laugh if they knew (yes, some of them are idiots). What do I do? I feel so left behind.

PS Please do not reply if you're only going to laugh at me, I feel bad enough as it is.

you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about! everyone feels comfortable about it at their own pace. there is no point rushing into anything. As for going out and getting a random stranger, i would strongly advise against this as you will probably feel used and upset after, even moreso as it would have been your first time! theres nothing at all wrong with waiting until you have met the right guy. that way, no matter what happens between you after, you can feel happy in the fact that, in that moment in time, you were ready!

most of the 15 yr olds you are talking about are more scared than anyone of being virgins due to social pressure, which you also seem slightly affected by, to lose their virginity as soon as possible to be 'cool'. its the complete opposite in fact. most guys would rather be with someone that hasnt been sexually active at such a young age or the town 'bike'!

take your time and enjoy the fact that when you do lose your virginity, you wont regret it as most do!

good luck!;)

Zombrex

unregged_girl wrote:

What do I do? I feel so left behind.

Why? You choose this. It didn't feel right so you didn't do it. Good for you.

When it does feel right then do it. Considering how important sex is to you I think you would really really regret it if you lost your virginity to a stranger you picked up in a pub just so you can say you aren't a virgin any more. Who cares if you still are, its no ones business? And 20 isn't that old.

Just wait until your next proper boyfriend, and if things are going well with him then lose your virginity. Tell him you are a virgin so he goes slowly. Not being a girl I can't tell you how sore a first time is, but I don't think it is supposed to be that bad, and if he is being gentle and careful you should be ok.

interl00per

I'm reminded me of an incident a few years back (not saying how long ; ) when I was 21, sitting around a table in a bowling alley one night with a gang of about 10 friends / acquaintances when the topic of discussion was our Don-Juan like prowess and what we all had done with whoever- anyway after 6 or 7 guys bragging about their "exploits", one of the guys who had spoken interrupts the flow and actually says "guys - I was taking the piss - I’m still a virgin". Within a minute there was an air of relief and slight embarrassment as it turned out 6 of the 10 people present had also been bu11sh1ting! My relief was palpable!


I am only too aware that times have changed since that entertaining night in the bowling alley, but I’ve lived through them and they haven’t changed that much.

Rest assured that all your comment shows is that you actually have some self esteem and ideals. If you didn't / don't want to have sex then don’t. Wait as long as you want to wait. If you're being pressurised then I’m pretty sure that the last person you should loose your virginity to is the person giving you grief. As for your friends, maybe you will be surprised by their reactions when they know, if you decide to tell them. Hold your head high and don't abandon your ideals to appease others....there are others out there in the same boat.

Lonely Or Lazy

Well, Im in the same boat and Im a 23 male, it will happen for us eventually, so dont get too stressed over it.

Marksie

My advice is not to worry about it. 20 is not old. It is better to lose your virginity to someone who cares about you rather than rush it into and have a bad first experience.
forget whether the guy is experienced or not. The intimacy should be established first then move onto other things.

Many people think that penetration is the be all and end all. It isnt, more pleasure and intimacy can be achieved by getting to know one another first and really taking time to explore each others responses. By the time it comes to penetration, it will be the most natural thing to happen, but perhaps not the most important as what you will have shared before will have bonded both of you.

Rushing into things may give you a bad experience and colour your impressions for a long while. Occasionally i have had to help people who have had such a bad experience to step back and rediscover the intimacy, and they have said it was like losing their virginity a second time... but this time in the right way.

So you will know when its right, dont just do it cos everyone else is claiming they have

Black Swan

Such an event is meaningful, especially for a girl. You will always remember the first time. Make sure it's with someone you love, and who loves you. Until then, what's the hurry?

spinandscribble

im a virgin and im 19, i know plently of ppl over my age who are too. im ready to have sex but like you i want it to be with someone im in love with and who is in love with me. i just broke up with my boyfriend and we both wanted to have sex and we cared about eachother but we werent in love so we didnt. its nothing to be ashamed off! i just dont want to regret something like this for the rest of my life. and neither do you. you are not too old and having good morals is nothing to be ashamed off. be proud of who you are and to hell with anyone who thinks differently.

oh and a bit of advise on "will it hurt"? my hymne layer broke in foreplay and it didnt hurt. bloodly yes, painful no. it felt great to have the release of pressure to be honest i know its different for everyone but pain is such a trivial factor to be scared of in life, it shouldnt hold you back.

*a*

i was 20 when i lost my virginity and dont regret it.......i have friends in their 20s who have not yet lost it and they are in their mid twenties...... what is the rush???

LegacyUser

Just for the sake of supporting the arguments...I'm 25 (male) and I lost (what a silly verb) my virginity last weekend. Its never hugely bothered me although as time passed it has started playing on the mind, but in the end it happened in a really relaxed situation with a girl that I know for some time and was happy to share it with. There was no huge pressure, and to be honest although it was great, i expect its better it'll get so rather than worrying about the first time, look at the big picture and treat it as part of a fufilling relationship...and RELAX, your body is built for this, the more you accept that (and find someone you trust) the less traumatic an experience it will be :-D

petes

I lost mine when I was 19 and to be honest I would rather have waited until I was in a relationship with someone instead of a one night stand that didn't mean anything. Wait until you find someone you are comfortable with and not some stranger you pull in a club.

Ruu_Old

Yep, what the others have said. A great deal of the people who lose their virginity before you havent a clue, let them laugh and take your time. There is no hurry whatsoever, you are certainly not being unusual.

whatastupidname

There is nothing wrong with being a virgin at 20...I think everyone owes it to themselves to lose it when they're ready and with someone they're really comfortable with to avoid a bad experience.

El_mariachi

A very god point they're is nothing wrong with it... in fact it may not seem this way but you are indeed a lucky girl.... Sex nowadays is more of a transaction more than anything... people who are out having cauasl sex the whole time are opening themselves up for some major dangers. std, abuse etc. do it when your ready and the guy wish to express love or a connection with you and not a quick shag.

oulu

If you ask nicely I could solve your problem

whatastupidname

oulu wrote:

If you ask nicely I could solve your problem

lol!

Don't worry about it. I lost mine at 20 and wish it were with someone more special than some slag I knew at the time (harsh words but true). It's a part of my life I'd rather forget than the ideal situation of it being something I'd treasure forever.

But one piece of advice, when the time comes, please use contraception. The girl I was with was convincing me not to, and I had the worst week of my life afterwards. Luckily she wasn't pregnant but I am *never* doing that again - once was enough.

Heyes

Hi unregged girl,

First and foremostly you have absolutaly no need to worry, there is no rush to go and "loose" your virginity. I know people a lot older than you that are virgins and it doesnt bother them in the slightest. It will happen for you when your fully ready, i know you really wana just go out and have a laugh, but sure we were all like that before we lost it, and then bang we d lost it. Its a case of you just know at the time. So relax, take it easy and just see what happens, dont be overthinking about it.

LegacyUser

Yep, I'm a guy, 25 years old and still a virgin.

God that sounded like an AA meeting for a sec. I'll admit I am embarrased by it and never draw attention to myself when my mates are on about various conquests etc. But that doesn't make me want to go out and get it 'out of the way.'

Quite frankly I'm not really interested in one night stands etc. If I could just manage to find someone to have a meaningful relationship with I'd be so happy. The only person I've liked since I first met her 2 years ago is still a friend. Just don't have the courage to say anything desite being head wrecked for the past 4 months about it. Oh well.

Anyhoo, OP, don't feel pressured. Don't think too much about it, it'll happen when it happens

Nevyn

oulu really that is not helpful.
None of the forums that make up the collective that is board.ie are hooking up or dating sites and espically not this one.

5uspect

i have to agree with everyone else here and say that you've nothing to worry about. I think most sensible people wait until around then.

Your fears are to be expected- its your body and you only get one. Sex is so much better with a partner you really love and trust. When you do find the right guy it somwthing you can discuss and take one step at a time.

Chakar

OP its your life, don't bother with what other people are supposedly doing, We're all unique individually so we all set our own standards in life.

Please don't feel "left behind" or ashamed its absolutely grand!!

oulu

Relax would you it was meant as a laugh,dont be so serious chill a little

Thaedydal wrote:

oulu really that is not helpful.
None of the forums that make up the collective that is board.ie are hooking up or dating sites and espically not this one.

Nevyn

And that comment is off topic, you are new here oulo please take the time to
read the rules which are in the charter and the FAQfor the site.
The personal issues forum is one of the most strictly moderated forums out of all the forums that make up the collective that is boards.ie.

Orlee

Dont feel bad unregged_girl - I'm not very good at these things but I just wanted to say that I hope you dont loose it to just anyone.I lost my virginity at a very early age and it is my biggest regret - the person in question was very special to me at the time as my dad was dying from cancer and he was there for me but I didnt think it through and now I wish I had.

Dutchboy

I 'lost it' when i was 20, I didnt go for until I was ready, everyone's different

I think 'losing it' is really the wrong way to put it though..........

hairyfairy00

I was 21, there is no rush. I've only slept with 2 people and my fiance is one of them. There isn't a set age to lose your virginity so don't feel bad it'll happen when your ready.

alantc

Thaedydal wrote:

None of the forums that make up the collective that is board.ie are hooking up or dating sites and espically not this one.

This could become the hook up with virgins thread.

Any girls with a BMI under 20 PM me.