Quick & Witty Comebacks / Putdowns

RiderOnTheStorm

I have been driving for years, and since early days I have always believed it important to have a stock of witty phrases to use when you find yourself at the mercy of some useless driver. When time is limited you dont want to waste it thinking of something that will get your point across, make the other driver think of what there are doing, and make it stick in his/her mind so that they do not do it again.

Here are some that I have, and use from time to time (some 'borrowed' from other drivers....or from TV):

"What shade of green are you waiting for?"
(when traffic lights go green and traffic does not move off)

"Pick a lane, any lane"

"Did you buy your licence, or get it in the amnesty?"

"Did you learn to drive on the buses?"
(an oldie but a goldie)

"You shouldn't drive if you are blind"

"I didnt know indicators were optional on that model"

"Save it for your ma / girlfriend / sister / etc"
(used when somone is sounding the horn when its clear that sounding the horn will not help situation)


feel free to use any/all....
please please add to this list.....it could use more!

PS: A good 'putdown' is to wag finger at offender.... its not verbal so its not on list above....but it is quick & easy to do, instantly understandable by any nationality, and not as vulgar as some hand/finger guestures.... also its gets a great response!

Wing Walker

Are ye waitin' for an invitation?
(lights go green, no movement/ way is clear to make a turn but driver doesn't budge)

dahamsta

Int he vein of a couple above: "They don't get any greener."

Also, in the vein of the finger wag, my old man swears by sticking his tongue out at people. It's juvenile, but if you really want to piss someone off it beats the finger any day, and I'd imagine the finger wag too. Watch their faces go red and steam come out of their ears.

adam

Supercell

RiderOnTheStorm wrote:

"Save it for your ma / girlfriend / sister / etc"
(used when somone is sounding the horn when its clear that sounding the horn will not help situation)

Excellant!!!, often see drivers beeping the feck out some poor eejit thats miss timed the lights and is now blocking traffic, just what good do they think beeping is doing???!!!

peasant

a guy I know had endless trouble with people parking in such a daft way that he couldn't get in or out his driveway.

He had specially sticky stickers made (the ones that hardly come off, and if so, only in tiny little pieces) saying:

WELCOME TO EARTH !!

(because whoever parks like this must be from Mars)

After a few weeks all his neighbours and their friends and visitors still had the remains of those stickers on their cars ...and he had a permanenty clear driveway:D

gyppo

A friend of mine was cut up in traffic by another driver who did'nt give any signal.

She happened to be stopped beside him at the next set of lights - he was turning right, she left.

She tapped on the passenger window of his car, and he let down the window.

"theres something wrong with your car" sez she.

"oh, what" says he, with a big worried face on him.

"your indicators are'nt working", at which point the lights change, and she wafts off, leaving your man with his mouth hanging open.:D

cargrouch

Things I've only said in my head or shouted inside a car with closed windows, because shouting at old people is low even for me.

"Bingo is cancelled, go home"
"Move faster, FASTER! You haven't got long to live"

galwaytt

or, if you're ever a passenger in a car with the SO driving, and she's (:p ) rattling along at the limit - or more - but still in 4th, I always throw in....
"think how much cheaper we could have got this car......"
"eh?" she says..
"...if they knew you weren't going to use 5th, they could have left it out and saved us all a fortune !!"

Anan1

Longfield wrote:

Excellant!!!, often see drivers beeping the feck out some poor eejit thats miss timed the lights and is now blocking traffic, just what good do they think beeping is doing???!!!

It's making it less likely that they'll do it again.

Velocitee

One of my personal faves (which I came up with myself)

Wash your L plate .... You'll have it a while!

AMurphy

"What shade of green are you waiting for?"
(when traffic lights go green and traffic does not move off)

Thought that one was my invention.:D

However, "It's not red yet, just pink."

Your tyre is flat?. "Top or bottom"?


No they did not mean THAT by "Tear along dotted line".

"Com awn, it's not the QEII you're parking".

"If you can get that body into that outfit/car, why can you not get that car into that parking spot"

RiderOnTheStorm

peasant wrote:

WELCOME TO EARTH !!

yup, i like this!

AMurphy wrote:

"Com awn, it's not the QEII you're parking".

reminds me of the car parking scene in Snatch! ('cept they said airplane, but same thing!)

cargrouch wrote:

"Bingo is cancelled, go home"

another gem!

Some great ones there, guys (and gals!).....but im too lazy to quote them all.... Keep it up!

Robbo

AMurphy wrote:

"If you can get that body into that outfit/car, why can you not get that car into that parking spot"

That's a keeper. I'm stealing that one.

MercMad

I for one am totally against sounding the horn unless alerting someone to danger !

It shouldn't be used when someone annoys you !

Once I faltered for approximatley 0.5 seconds at a set of lights and the guy behind stood on the horn, so I rolled back the seat and lay there 'till he arrived at the window which was open 1/2".

He stared inside in disbelief and I said " you obviously thought I was asleep and since YOU are always right about everything, I didn't want to disapoint you "

A similar situation happened to a friend of mine, and he got out of the car and opened the rear door and shouted at the guy "Do you want to get in ? Well DO you ?? "

.........or finally as my father did years ago...............same as above but turning out of a one way street, the guy blew his horn so my father got out of the car, locked it and walked off !

To be honest nowdays I avoid any kind of confrontation, you never know what lunatics are out there. If some one beeps or carves me up or leans on me I just let the off ! There are more important things in life without getting killed just to make a point ! Same as traffic gridlock, its bad enough having to nendure it but getting all stressed about it doesn't do anyone any good at all !

dahamsta

Heh, that reminds me of the day I had a guy come down a hill on a street on which only one car could pass. I had the right of way, but he just sat there and gestured at me. So I turned the engine off and whipped out my newspaper (which served the dual purpose of putting him out of my field of vision). He moved.

adam

prospect

If someone has been driving up your ass, and you are stopped at the next set of lights:

Hop out of the car, open the boot, and gesture to them if they would like to get into it...

(never had the neck to do this, but someday, I'll be pushed that little bit too far)

dahamsta

I just pop the brakes with **** like that. If they bump me that's their loss.

adam

LikeOhMyGawd!

<Nodding towards the pistol lying on the passenger seat>
"I've got a f**king gun and will put a f**king hole in your face if you don't f**k off"

shnaek

RiderOnTheStorm wrote:

reminds me of the car parking scene in Snatch! ('cept they said airplane, but same thing!)

in the same vain:

Come on - it's not a tank you're turning

Nice one for those slow motion left/right turn takers.

Wishbone Ash

This is sounding more like road rage than witty putdowns :eek:

Archeron

"Dont worry about indicating there love, I can tell by looking at you that you're obviously headed to McDonalds"

Tipsy Mac

Did you get your license in a pack of Sugar Puffs.

MercMad

I just pop the brakes with **** like that. If they bump me that's their loss.

The problem with that is the knock on effect to all the idiots driving similarly behind eachother ! Whilst it wont be your fault the fact vis it could cause a crash and I think we all need to avoid that scenario ! Better to take your foot off the gas and coat to a stop IMO !

I agree though we are bordering on road rage here !

LostinBlanch

I'm with Mercmad on this. You don't know what might happen with all these. They might help you let off steam but they could also land you in all kinds of trouble. All it takes is for one nutter to take it the wrong way and there could be tragic consequensces.

But in the spirit of the thread . . . . .

Drive it or sell it

NeMiSiS

Don't 'tap the breaks' ever. If they do slam into you, who knows what kind of idiot is behind them possibly tailgating aswell. Pefect example I saw the other day was a a woman with a child hanging round her neck like a monkey and jumping all over the front seat of the car, no seatbelt no nothing.

TK

damo605

Best job if someone is loosing the head at you from another car is to do the following: Give them a big smile AND the finger
Just make sure you've got a clear road ahead to get out of there as chances are it'll drive them over the edge altogher

el tel

I personally prefer heaving a stoic sigh, maybe even the faintest of head shakes, and then just continuing on my way.

I would NEVER EVER consider pushing my face towards the window and aggressively mouthing the world "W*NKER" :rolleyes:

Matt Simis

cargrouch wrote:

Things I've only said in my head or shouted inside a car with closed windows, because shouting at old people is low even for me.

"Bingo is cancelled, go home"
"Move faster, FASTER! You haven't got long to live"

Another for the old folks, stolen from The Simpsons:

"Try the Accelerator Grand'Ma, its right there.. beside the brake."


Matt

dahamsta

People crammed up my hole rarely have someone behind them. If they did have someone behind them, I'm intelligent enough to be able to figure that out, so I'm afraid I'll have to discard the i'm-cleverer-than-you nanny advice and keep popping the brakes when some tit does tries to insert himself bodily in my rectum. Like I said, if he actually does fly up my ass, that's his lookout. And his in-sewer-ants. And his wages for a few years. It's my way of saying "thank you".

"Oh, my neck."

Do yourself a favour boys and girls, don't assume everyone on Boards is less intelligent than you. I know it's a reasonable assumption to make a lot of the time, but it doesn't always apply. And please, take the flat cap off when you're driving. And get a newer car while you're at it, that old Morris is falling to bits. And stay in on Sundays. Fuddy duddy tossers.

adam

Fozzie Bear

NeMiSiS wrote:

Don't 'tap the breaks' ever. If they do slam into you, who knows what kind of idiot is behind them possibly tailgating aswell. Pefect example I saw the other day was a a woman with a child hanging round her neck like a monkey and jumping all over the front seat of the car, no seatbelt no nothing.

TK

I did the Hibernian "ignition" course a few years ago and they told us that you should gently tap the brakes so that your brake lights come on (but you don't slow or suddenly stop) and they usually back off. It works normally for me.....

armchairninja

Instead of tapping the breaks, I prefer to just flick my parking lights on and off really quickly, if there that close behind you and see red lights infront they always back off:D
Unfortunatly only works during the day.

And in the spirit of the threat

car moving slowly infront of you
"Get a Pen and Paper and work it out!!"

And for those cars not using the indicators
"Ah yes, that must be the new mind reader model you're driving"