Quality jokes !

Capt'n Midnight

as in Low Quality that is

"Now class" said the teacher "I would like you to give me a word which means the same as nice" "Pleasant" said one
"Tasty" said another. Both got nods of approval from the teacher.
"Indifferent", proclaimed Jimmy. "Indifferent", asked the teacher.
"How on earth, does that mean the same as nice".
"Well", said Jimmy. "I was walking passed my sisters bedroom, when I heard her say, to Roger(her boyfriend)".
"Ummm, that was nice", and Roger said, "Yes, it was indifferent"......


A VIP was being shown round an Edinburgh hospital. Towards the end of his visit he was shown to a ward of patients with no obvious signs of injury.
Greeting the patient in the first bed the chap replies
“Fair fa’ your honest sonsie face. Great chieftain o’ the puddin’ race.”
Being somewhat confused the VIP grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies
“Some hae meat, and canna eat. And some wad eat that want it. But we hae meat, and we can eat. Sae the Lord be thankit.”
The next patient starts rattling off as follows
“Wee sleek it, cow’ in, timorous wee beastie, O, what a panic’s in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle!”
The VIP turned to the doctor accompanying him and asks “Is this the psychiatric ward”

“No,” replies the doctor, “It’s the serious Burns unit.”




"Why is it not possible to get a hot drink at Old Trafford?
Simple, all the mugs are on the pitch and the cups are at Highbury!"


Someone broke into Carrow road trophy room and stole everything
Police are looking for someone with a green and yellow carpet.



Found out the other day that my mate Harry has just died.
Harry was a very socially conscious man and took in all the safety advice that was on offer.

He alway wore something white if he walked the Norfolk lanes at night. He went out a few weeks ago with his usual attire, White hat, white coat, white scarf, white trousers, white socks, white shoes - he got run over by a snow plough




Little 3 year old discovers his testicles and says to mother.
Are these my brains Mother.
Mother replies " Not yet darling ".




A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniel's and women with big boobs".



Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live
on!"



The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one, which a Christian community cannot tolerate.I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

The preacher fainted.






A middle-aged woman seemed timid as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..." said the woman.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," said the woman, "Yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"Mmmm, I see." said the, doctor.
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh." the doctor said as he got more and more interested in her story.
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning
there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There is nothing to be frightened about. You're simply going through the change."




This gal walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants
to buy some arsenic.
He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"
She said "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having
sex with another woman."
The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your
husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman."
So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband
having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realise you had a prescription."




A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.
She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Absolutely," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
" I can if I take two" he replied.



So this chap is in Waterloo Station when he approaches a man dragging two heavy suitcases beside him to ask the time.
The man reveals his watch and it is the most fantastic piece of equipment the chap has ever seen.
'I made it myself. This aerial receives all the radio stations; this one the tv stations. This dial is GPS; this one gives me the train timetables........'
The chap is so impressed he insists he must have it and offers a fantastic amount of money for it.
The watchowner relents and hands over the watch. As the chap walks off strapping his new wonder watch to his wrist a little voice comes from behind. Pointing to the suitcases the man says:
'Don't forget the batteries!'





A tourist was wandering round a market in Turkey when she realised that she was meeting her husband at midday for a bite to eat but had left her watch in the hotel room.

Being quick on the uptake she approached a camel salesman sitting on a stool and asked him the time. With that the salesman lifted a camel's wedding tackle and proclaimed "11.49 lady".

As you can imagine she was absolutely gobsmacked and when she met her husband she told him what had happened so he decided to ask the same question of the same salesman.

"Excuse me, but could you tell me the time please?"

"Certainly" said the salesman going through the same procedure. "It is exactly 21 minutes past 12"

"That's brilliant" said the tourist. "How do you know the time by lifting the camel's wedding tackle"

"Simple" was the reply "By lifting the camel's bits and pieces I can see the town hall clock"



The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lammas class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances and coaching at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher.
"Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a guy in the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it okay if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"



My daughter came home last night with a settee and two chairs. I asked where she got them and she said a man she had never seen before gave them to her. I told her that she is not to take suites from strangers in future.





Recent research shows that there are seven kinds of sex:

Number 1 is called Smurf Sex -
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

Number 2 is called Kitchen Sex -
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so excited you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

Number 3 is called Bedroom Sex -
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

Number 4 is called Hallway Sex -
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

Number 5 is called Religious Sex -
That means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

Number 6 is called Courtroom Sex -
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

Number 7 is called Social Security Sex -
You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.




Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been
playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house
and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in
the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's
called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with
the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not
called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!" "and Jimmy's Mom
wants to talk to you"!!



Shakespeare was recalled from Heaven by God and returned to earth, in order to inject a bit of quality into the floundering English literary scene.
Overjoyed, William immediately sought out the nearest pub to celebrate.
Sadly, he was refused a drink. Demanding an explanation he was informed:
`The manager saw you enter sir and told me you're barred'.

TerrorFirmer

This gal walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants
to buy some arsenic.
He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"
She said "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having
sex with another woman."
The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your
husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman."
So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband
having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realise you had a prescription."

Absolutely brilliant. I don't know where you manage to get all these fresh jokes all the time but every post by you is quality.

Zapp Brannigan

A VIP was being shown round an Edinburgh hospital. Towards the end of his visit he was shown to a ward of patients with no obvious signs of injury.
Greeting the patient in the first bed the chap replies
“Fair fa’ your honest sonsie face. Great chieftain o’ the puddin’ race.”
Being somewhat confused the VIP grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies
“Some hae meat, and canna eat. And some wad eat that want it. But we hae meat, and we can eat. Sae the Lord be thankit.”
The next patient starts rattling off as follows
“Wee sleek it, cow’ in, timorous wee beastie, O, what a panic’s in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle!”
The VIP turned to the doctor accompanying him and asks “Is this the psychiatric ward”

“No,” replies the doctor, “It’s the serious Burns unit.”

don't get it. But the rest are quality

Wishbone Ash

Slurms wrote:

don't get it. But the rest are quality

If you have to ask......:rolleyes:

(Robert Burns - famous scotish poet)

jobonar

brilliant!! needed a good laugh!!