Trust Issues

LegacyUser

Had an argument at the weekend with Boyfriend.

Bascially, he told me that this girl had come back to his house (he house shares) on Saturday night. I presumed he had invited her.

Well, I went off on a rant. He doesnt do anything to stop me/correct me. Then at the end he says "it was my flat mate who invited her - not me".

I know this girl has a thing/crush on him. I told him that in no certain cirumstances would I put up with girls coming back to the house. Especially when I know she fancies him. Maybe she thought that this was a way to get to him.

But anyways, he told me nothing happened, and I believe him. But I dont want this girl coming back to the house again. I know I cant stop his flatmate doing anything. Am all muddled up and dont know what to do. He said that I dont trust him. Its not him I dont trust, its her. I feel like confronting her and asking her what her problem is.

She is coming across as all sweet and nice, while Im looking like a fool in every sense. I dont know how to beat her at her own game. Its a classic case of someone trying to butt in, the girlfriend getting upset and nasty, the boyfriend turning to this girl for comfort. But I dont know how to stop it.

Gordon

Woah there, possessiveness is one of the few character traits that I dislike, if I was your boyfriend I'd seriously consider rethinking the relationship if you held such a position.

You say you trust him - so what's the problem?

Dragan

TrustIssues wrote:

But I dont know how to stop it.

Yes you do, chill out. You can't give it the whole "I do trust you, it's HER i don't trust" thing, because that is garbage.

You need to be able to trust your fella, and if you can't you need to find the reason for that. Being in a relationship with someone does not mean other people cannot fancy you...i'm sure there are one or two guys who would like to hook up with you REGARDLESS of the fact that you might be going out with someone.

Everytime you go into a pub do you wear a sign saying "I have a boyfriend, leave me be?" , or does he wear a sign saying he has a girlfriend?

If you can't trust him the relationship has no foundation, regardless of who else might fancy him. That is just what happens....if there is any doubt in your mind it means you don't trust him and just can't admit it to yourself.

If you try and control him you will lose him, how long would you stay with someone who didn't trust you at all???

As far as i can see your issue is with her, not him, so learn to deal with the problem and leave him out of it, or you'll lose him. Simple as.

dudara

Well, I think that it's not a case of her trusting him , but more a case of her not trusting the other woman.

Black Swan

If you two don't have trust, then you don't have much of a relationship. There will always be other women about, besides this one...

Keep in mind: Distrust breeds distrust.

Gordon

dudara wrote:

Well, I think that it's not a case of her trusting him , but more a case of her not trusting the other woman.

How is that any different though? Lets say that this girl can't be trusted - the OPs boyfriend wouldn't do anything because he's trustworthy right?

BoozyBabe

dudara wrote:

Well, I think that it's not a case of her trusting him , but more a case of her not trusting the other woman.

Yea, but if she trusts her man & knows he's trustworthy, i.e. would never do anything with anyone else other than herself, then it really wouldn't matter what this other woman did, her bf wouldn't be interested, so she wouldn't have an issue.

But, really, I do think there's a bit of a trust issue.

It seems she trusts her bf wouldn't actively go out looking for anything, but doesn't trust that he wouldn't accept something offered on a plate to him.

OP, i can sort of imagine what you might be feeling, but there isn't anything you can do.
It's not your bf who invited her back, it's the housemate, & whatever about controlling your bf, you can't control the housemate. Nor can your bf ask the housemate not to invite certain people.

TBH, I trust my bf 100%, no doubts whatsoever. We've our future planned together, each of us never to have another partner ever again. In a way:- I'm his & he's mine, BUT I DON'T own him. He's his own person & I have no right, nor would I ever tell him what he is & isn't allowed to do, that includes inviting friends back or whatever he feels is acceptable & because I trust him 100% I know what he deems acceptable is.

I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling as you do, but you can't control him, you shouldn't feel you can tell him what he is & isn't to do:- that's not a nice trait in anyone, & I think you should actually try to trust him. You say you do, but it's obvious you don't. He's never given you reason not to, has he??

The Sweeper

That's a tough one.

Yes you're looking like a nutter and being unattractively jealous and possessive.

At the same time, you can't say your hunch is unfounded. There's nowt worse than some attractive creature insidiously muscling in on your territory - if you stay schtum then you'll feel like kicking yourself if and when she makes a play for your fella. If you say summat, however, you look like a nut.

Best thing to do: apologise to the bloke for the rant.

Explain how you feel. Straight up, it's not that you don't trust him, but it's incredibly frustrating to watch some bird making a play for your fella. And it's even more frustrating if your man leaves you feeling that way.

You'd feel better if your boyfriend said to you "Listen, you've nothing to worry about, even if she swings her tits in my ear I'll ask her to get out of the way of the telly, now lets have a laugh at what she's up to with the flatmate".

"You don't trust me" isn't reassuring. "I'm not interested and you've nothing to worry about" is reassuring. If you hear the latter but remain a suspicious vixen, you should really get over it. If you hear the former, you may need to apologise and explain how you're feeling.

You don't have a right to forbid your boyfriend from having contact with anyone. You can't have a successful relationship by 'owning' someone. You do have a right to express your frustration, trepidation, suspicion and discomfort with any situation. Based on how he reacts to you reasonably expressing any of those things, you can then make a judgment call about the quality of your relationship.

You really don't have any business telling your boyfriend who he can and cannot have in his house. If he invites random girls back in the evening that's an indicator that something may not be right in your relationship - and moreso, if you have to tell him it's not okay to bring strange women home, that's not necessarily a good thing.

The day I realised I'd gone from a juvenile relationship and into an adult one, was the day I copped on that I can't forbid my partner anything. All I can do is state how it makes me feel, and hear his opinion. After this exchange, if I feel the same way and he chooses to ignore my feelings, that's the point at which I re-evaluate my relationship.

Static M.e.

I know this girl has a thing/crush on him. I told him that in no certain cirumstances would I put up with girls coming back to the house.

Jesus chill out a little, your NOT his boss no matter how much you think you have the right, you DONT.

She is coming across as all sweet and nice, while Im looking like a fool in every sense. I dont know how to beat her at her own game. Its a classic case of someone trying to butt in, the girlfriend getting upset and nasty, the boyfriend turning to this girl for comfort. But I dont know how to stop it.

Stop being Psycho would be my advice.

Beat her at her own game?? how about you play the being a regular nice sane GF game who doesnt tell her BF what he cant and cannot do, then maybe he wont dump you for some tart that lives across the street who doesnt give him so much hassle.......

fuzzywiggle

I think it's your bf you don't trust. If you trusted him you wouldn't care how much she liked him. You would know that he would just say no. Don't lie to yourself

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

You know, he had an argument about this with me, the trust thing. I couldnt see it from his point of view. Having heard points of views here, am starting to understand what he was saying.

I dont think some of the replies above were fair. She stayed the night in the house. I asked him where she stayed, he never told me. I suspect that she slept in his bed. According to him and flat mate, he slept on the couch.

Can you see why I am annoyed?

Gordon

TrustIssues wrote:

Thanks for the replies.

You know, he had an argument about this with me, the trust thing. I couldnt see it from his point of view. Having heard points of views here, am starting to understand what he was saying.

I dont think some of the replies above were fair. She stayed the night in the house. I asked him where she stayed, he never told me. I suspect that she slept in his bed. According to him and flat mate, he slept on the couch.

Can you see why I am annoyed?

Not quite no. The problem is that your boyfriend gave up his bed for a visitor or that he didn't tell you where she slept?

Is the problem completely with this chick or is there a bit of a problem with your boyfriend and the fact that you don't actually trust him implicitely?