Money Problems

LegacyUser

I actually put a post up a few weeks ago about this money problem. Basically boyfriend owes me money. He gave me about 1/4 of what he owes me back a few weeks ago, but nothing since.

He buys me little things regularly and takes me for dinner pints etc, and I really appreciate that.

Thing is, he is beyond bad with money. Again this morning, due to their flatmate moving out, they owe additional money in the rent and he doesnt have it. He didnt directly ask, but it was implied that I might lend it to him.

I am unsure what to do. Maybe this is my chance to get all my money back? Do you think it would be bitchy of me to say, ill lend you the money, but starting this monday, you are to set up a direct debit to my account to pay back money. Is this a bit too strong?

BoozyBabe

No, that's reasonable.

You're obviously not happy with him owing you money as it is, without him owing you more money.

I've no idea how long you're going out & what your financial situation is, but I think you should be able to say "where's my money"

If I was strapped for cash & gave my bf some money & then see him squander al of his without repaying me, I'd get p!ssed off.

My BF owes me €600, but I don't care if I never see it. I'm not stuck for it & basically we've our future planned together, so when we start building our house his bills will be my bills & vice versa so it'll all become one anyway.

I know every situation is not the same though, so if your not comfy, give him no more money.

Burning Eclipse

Not at all.

I think that's very reasonable and not only does it result in you getting your money, it'l also teach him some responsibility with his money. Your not asking for it back in a lump sum either! If ye have been going out any length then I can't see how he would find this unreasonable.

Go for it

Miss Fluff

WitsEnd wrote:

I actually put a post up a few weeks ago about this money problem. Basically boyfriend owes me money. He gave me about 1/4 of what he owes me back a few weeks ago, but nothing since.

He buys me little things regularly and takes me for dinner pints etc, and I really appreciate that.

Thing is, he is beyond bad with money. Again this morning, due to their flatmate moving out, they owe additional money in the rent and he doesnt have it. He didnt directly ask, but it was implied that I might lend it to him.

I am unsure what to do. Maybe this is my chance to get all my money back? Do you think it would be bitchy of me to say, ill lend you the money, but starting this monday, you are to set up a direct debit to my account to pay back money. Is this a bit too strong?

I remember your recent thread about this. Don't lend him the money.Basically you continually bail him out and he's now come to expect it. I too am seriously atrocious with money (have a shopping addiction) but one has to take some kind of responsibility for ones spending. You are not his keeper. He's paid a quarter of what he owes you and then hints again that he needs more?? Basically tell him no!! You're making it far too easy for him girl, so just tell him tough t1tty and to go and sort himself out. And no offence but why shouldn't he buy you little things regularly and take you out for pints? You are his girlfriend!

DOLEMAN

Do you actually need the money? If not, is the pain you'll put him through worth it just to make your bank balance look slightly bigger?

He needs to get his spending under control and work out a budget. You should be included in that budget somewhere. If he sticks to a budget are you willing to wait for your money?

Sleipnir

Lend him the money on the condition that he sets up a direct debit before you hand the cash over. Total what he owes you and then split that into payments over 6 months or a year of whatever. If you just hand it over he'll pay you back piecemeal when he can afford to. He has to pay his debts BEFORE paying for anything else.

Beruthiel

OP
I would flat out say no.
Point out that if he had paid you back last time, there would have been no problem, but as he hasn't he's become a bad risk.
He's working now so he really has no excuse for not taking care of himself and his budget.

PDD

The direct debit idea is a good one as it draws a line in the sand but it depends on how much is owed for the rent.

You have to be on his back all the time for the money he owes you so when he wants to bring you out for dinner you jsut say not till you've finished paying me back. It doesnt have to be maliscious but if he's that bad with money and he knows it then he basically has to be educated on how to handle money and experience is the best teacher. He's obviously never borrowed money from someone who hounds him.

Just out of curiosity how much does he owe you? it would be very helfpul for people to advise you if they had an idea as to what extent his borrowings are.

tbh

My 2c (which still leaves you short 599.98 ha ha) would be that, since he isn't playing the game, you don't have to - and shouldn't, either.

The rules of the game are "If your other half lends you money, even if you don't think they are looking for it back, you should always at least offer to pay the money back. Failure to adhere to this rule means a loss of "what's yours is mine" privileges, at the discretion of the injured party".

If he complains, he's probably not the type of person you want to be with.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.
Its about €600. If someone owes you money, would you not expect it back? I mean, I love him but its my money. Thing is, I think I sound a bit mean. But is there a fine line to being mean and being walked over? Liike one poster is saying there, her bf owes her money, but she doesnt mind.

I am no big shot saver or anything, but I have savings and like looking after my money. Do you think I should offer some advice? I cant actually believe how bad he is when it comes to money. And hes such a nice guy.

Beruthiel

WitsEnd wrote:

Th
Its about €600. If someone owes you money, would you not expect it back?

Damn straight you'd expect it back, and as soon as possible.

Thing is, I think I sound a bit mean.

No you don't, you sound soft to me.
You worked hard for this money, it's yours, you didn't spend your week in work just so you could hand it over to someone else.

LegacyUser

I agree with everything Miss Fluff says above. Don't give him any more money. U are not the Salvation Army ! As Miss Fluff says - tell him 'tough t1tty'. If he gives U any problem over this maybe U need to find a new b/f - one with money !

the_syco

Miss Fluff wrote:

I remember your recent thread about this. Don't lend him the money.Basically you continually bail him out and he's now come to expect it.

Totally agree. OP, put your foot down, say no. Seriously, why the f*ck do you think that by giving him more money, that he'll give any back?

LegacyUser

And BTW - given the situation, when he buys you little things and takes you out for pints - who's money is he really spending : yours or his ?

Sounds like a friend of mine : asks me out for drinks and I end up having to pay for it all. I never saw anyone with such short arms and long pockets !

idontknowmyname

I do think he should pay you back regularly. I've been in a bit of a financial hot spot lately due to having to pay for repairs on my car and other things out of my hands. My boyfriend and mum have been great, lending me money and stuff, but I'm a proud person. They will see every cent of their money as soon as I can afford to give it to them, I hate the idea of sponging off someone else but I didn't have a choice. Does your boyfriend not feel guilty at all that he is spending your hard earned and saved money?

Chucky the tree

just curious. But when he bought you present, kept taking you for dinner/ pints did you ever once tell him that he should be saving that money because he owes it to you? Or did you keep that grave train going and then still expect him to pay the money he owes you?


I am sure thats a mighty tasty cake.

bbbbb

Does he know how much he owes you? Has he acknowledged it?

Has he said when he plans to pay it back or have you asked him when does he intend to pay it back?

Is it possible with the money he's given you, plus the little things he's paid for, he thinks he's all square?

Does he think you don't care about the money, what's yours is mine etc.?

(sorry if this is covered in the other thread)

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies.

He has acknowledged that he owes me money. He has told me how much. We were talking about a few things this morning and I decided to mention it. A "while we're talking about things" conversation.

He told me how bad he felt about the money situation, about his finances in general. God love him he is so bad with money.

I told him I loved him and that I saw the relationship going good and going places. But that he owed it to himself to sort out his financial situation. That he could do it, but that it would take time. I told him that it was only himself that could sort himself out. Didnt want to come across as preaching or something (although he did say to stop giving out - I wasnt, just told him these things, talking. He got a bit defensive - but what can I do?).

We're only going out 6 months. I rally dont think I am in the position to control his finances (Id do it if I thought it would help).

missmatty

Its amazing how cool other people can be with someone else's money. Last year, I did a friend a favour on holiday, as she discovered the night before we went that her ancient pass card had no maestro/cirrus symbol on it. I lent her about 300 squids and i expected her to give it back say within a week of us getting back, as i knew her very well (live with her). Three months later i got it. This was despite dropping major hints and mentioning it often. I would be very wary of lending practically anyone money now-except immediate family maybe. I have a very good job and no debts and i think people assume i don't desperately need the money back so they take their time.
It's so awkward having to ask for it back from a close friend. In the future i think the best way to avoid it is not to give it. But it's difficult when some people are so silly about money that their pass cards are 10 yrs old and they refuse to come into the 21st century with internet banking, laser and credit cards!! I'm astonished how many ppl i know are like that.

the_syco

WitsEnd wrote:

We're only going out 6 months. I rally dont think I am in the position to control his finances (Id do it if I thought it would help).

I agree here. This includes not digging him out of his hole.

tbh

in summary:

Neither a borrower nor a lender be;

For loan oft loses both itself and friend,

And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.