Really need advice!!!

Beetlebum

Hey there,

Some of you may have read the post I wrote about a week ago. To summarise for those of you who didn't, my bf of four years broke up with me and got with another girl the very next night. I thought f*ck him and went out and had 2 one-night stands (not very classy I know and out of character for me but I was hurting bad). Anyway, the second guy I met was lovely and we hooked up last Friday aswell. We had a great night, went to a few different bars, went back to his, all good. He made me breakfast in the morning and we lay around for hours just kissing and chatting. He told me he thinks I'm beautiful and the sexiest girl he's ever been with. This did my confidence wonders after the break-up. Oh, just to mention, I didn't tell him about the break-up, we just got hammered and laughed all night...

Anyway, he drove me home on Saturday afternoon and for some reason in the car we were both really quiet. We were both hungover and tired I guess. When we got to my house, we kissed for a sec and just say 'bye, have a good weekend'. We made no plans to meet up again and I felt really strange. Having had such a good night and the weekend before was great fun too, the car drive was so awkward. Haven't heard from him since.....I feel like a fool so please be gentle with advice...thanks y'all!!

Santa Claus

What advice are you looking for....Do you want to know how to go about contacting him or why he hasn't contacted you ?

cance

dont have a one night stand if you dont want to get hurt. end of story. relationships generally will not be built from them.

smash

why don't you just call him?

Lux23

Well you could text him to see whats what but I would imagine if he hasn't text you by now he may not be interested in anything other than sex. Some lads say all that stuff about you being beautiful when they are in bed with you so I would take that with a pinch of salt. I have had the same experience as you before and from that I would advise you to forget about him.

Beetlebum

steve06 wrote:

why don't you just call him?

It's the first time I've ever had a one night stand. I was with my bf for four years and was faithful to him the whole time. Do you think if he liked me he'd have called or even texted by now? I'm scared if I call him he won't answer and I'll feel terrible. I'm not usually such a drama queen...honest!!.... but this break-up has been really hard for me...

Lux23

Call him or send him a text and if he doesn't answer just delete his number and forget about him. You aren't doing yourself any favours by obsessing about him. And stay clear of one nights stands if you can't cope with them.

Oryx

Let the one night stand guy go. Whether he likes you or not is irrelevant. You only seem to be using him as a crutch to your ego after your breakup, and you even said yourself its out of character for you to act this way. Do you think you can give yourself time to get over your break and clear your head?

daRobot

Honestly, I wouldn't let that worry you in the slightest.

You've been out of the one night stand loop for a while now, and that's pretty standard behaviour on the way home.I've noticed it myself, that you'll be all chatty and sexual in the house, but when your driving them home in the car it's a different kind of interaction.

My guess is that it's because that both of you are reflecting on what you've both just experienced, that being a fun and intense enough experience with someone that you haven't know for very long.Maybe the lack of chat on the way back is both of you not wanting to appear too eager, even though you both want to see each other again.

Basically my point is, when your naked with someone, you know that they want you and vice-versa.But when you're fully clothed and on the way home,especially when you don't know them too well, little doubts set in about whether they want to see you again.

Don't worry about the lack of contact on his part, he's most likely playing it cool.I know with myself in a similar suitation, I wouldn't have made contact for that exact reason.

And it doesn't always have to be the man that calls the girl you know

Beetlebum

daRobot wrote:

Honestly, I wouldn't let that worry you in the slightest.

You've been out of the one night stand loop for a while now, and that's pretty standard behaviour on the way home.I've noticed it myself, that you'll be all chatty and sexual in the house, but when your driving them home in the car it's a different kind of interaction.

My guess is that it's because that both of you are reflecting on what you've both just experienced, that being a fun and intense enough experience with someone that you haven't know for very long.Maybe the lack of chat on the way back is both of you not wanting to appear too eager, even though you both want to see each other again.

Basically my point is, when your naked with someone, you know that they want you and vice-versa.But when you're fully clothed and on the way home,especially when you don't know them too well, little doubts set in about whether they want to see you again.

Don't worry about the lack of contact on his part, he's most likely playing it cool.I know with myself in a similar suitation, I wouldn't have made contact for that exact reason.

And it doesn't always have to be the man that calls the girl you know

Thanks for that, it made me smile, sure f*ck it, I'll send him a casual text and if he doesn't respond I'll know for sure....there are plenty more men out there anyway!!

LegacyUser

"He told me he thinks I'm beautiful and the sexiest girl he's ever been with."

Either he really likes you or he's a total player.

Shinners21

I'd defo forget about that one night stand guy, I've been there...most people have!! When you get out of a long term relationship, and especially under your circumstances its normal to go out and let your hair down but I wouldn't expect anything to come from a one night stand, it rarely does!!!
I wouldn't text if you haven't heard from him at all and he was fairly cool with you when you were getting out of his car then I'd say it was all about easy sex for him (no offence intended)!!!
I wish someone had told me to forget about some guys after times like that...would have made things a lot easir on me in the long run!!!

daRobot

Beetlebum wrote:

Thanks for that, it made me smile, sure f*ck it, I'll send him a casual text and if he doesn't respond I'll know for sure....there are plenty more men out there anyway!!

Bingo!

Honestly, all this 'nothing can come out of a one night stand' attitude is bollox.I've had two 5month plus relationships come out of one nighters, and while i'm sure that's not what you want after just coming out a long relationship, you may very easily have a good casual sex partner to meet up with now, if that interests you.

I seems to be inprinted onto the female psyche, that a man will think you're "easy" for having a one-nighter, but it's not true at all.

dubgirl

don't be so serious with yourself beetle - just relax and send him a casual text and if he replies well and good. If not he's a tos*er! going through a break up is an awful time to go out and look for someone new. They make you feel better in the short term but if they're not mad about you straight away it only ends up making you feel crap. good luck with it and if it has a happy ending let us know:rolleyes:

Sarah**

I have to say i agree with Shinners....they may appear all lovey dovey and nice, but in fairness beetlebum is a message going to kill him.. In the car on the way home he was silent and icy because he basically didnt want any of this so when will we see eachother again or any plans!! One night stands are simply that for men....for us we get friggin attached to them emotionally from the word...wanna go upstairs....

Move on and he has your number why cant he txt if hes interested. Seriously men dont 'play it cool' they simply say il text her coz i like her or i couldnt be bothered coz im not interested. Its very black and white for men. Unlike for us we over analyse things!!

Lux23

daRobot wrote:

Bingo!

I've had two 5month plus relationships come out of one nighters, .

In fairness that isn't much of a realtionship!!

GAA widow

Beetlebum wrote:

It's the first time I've ever had a one night stand. I was with my bf for four years and was faithful to him the whole time. Do you think if he liked me he'd have called or even texted by now? I'm scared if I call him he won't answer and I'll feel terrible. I'm not usually such a drama queen...honest!!.... but this break-up has been really hard for me...

You're just out of a 4 year relationship and it's great that this other guy has told you how good looking and sexy you are, esp. for building up your self confidence again after going through the feelings of rejection from a break up.

I think the main thing at the moment is to look after yourself and your needs. Maybe you should give yourself a little time to grieve and get over your longterm relationship before diving straight into another one - it's only natural to feel a bit lonely after a break up, and the break up seems to still be weighing heavily on your mind.

It's great that other guys are affirming how attractive you are and everything - enjoy the attention, but don't use one night stands as a means of "getting back" at your ex because he went off with someone else so soon. Take care, and I'm sure you'll meet a fantastic guy soon.

fuzzywiggle

Yeah.. just send him a text. If he replies then that's good and if he doesn't then there's plenty more men out there! Don't get too hung up on him. You're just out a long relationship.. give yourself some time girl!

LegacyUser

I think if he was interested in U, he would have sent U several texts or phonecalls by now. I think he was just looking to pot the pink tbh.

Anyway, do U not think you should give it a rest for a while until U can sort yourself out after your last relationship ?

Sarah**

Agree with Nortsoide!

Beetlebum

Sarah** wrote:

Agree with Nortsoide!

I agree with you both really. It's just the thought of my ex already seeing someone makes me feel so bad. One of my exs friends was out with him the night he met her and he said to me 'if it makes you feel any better, she was all over him so he couldn't really resist....'

What a stupid thing to say to me!! He also said she has dark skin and dark hair so all I keep picturing is this beautiful Pocohontis type...ggrrrrrr....
I'm not over the break-up at all so I really should take a step back and sort my head out. The one night stand guy was a fun distraction but I guess that's all it was ever really gonna be. His work here is done!

daRobot

Sarah** wrote:

Move on and he has your number why cant he txt if hes interested. Seriously men dont 'play it cool' they simply say il text her coz i like her or i couldnt be bothered coz im not interested. Its very black and white for men. Unlike for us we over analyse things!!

How would you know in all fairness,what goes on in a mans head?(Unless sarah is your weekend name)It's not all simple caveman mentality like "Ugg...I like her or Ugg...I don't"

Myself and plenty others I know, will play the 'disinterested' card with girls we like, because it changes the power balance in the relationship, with the girl being the one who starts chasing, instead of the man.

Yeah, it's game playing and a tad underhand, but it's naive to think it doesn't go on with men aswell.It can be black and white sometimes, but there's plenty shades of grey too.

Sarah**

Well in all fairness 'darobot' you really musn't have any regard for how the girl feels then.

Am i right in thinking you will let her text you a number of times before replying?

Why let the girl chase. If you like her you like her. Game playing is ridiculous and as for the power balance in the relationship???? Dont make me laugh, so your saying the bloke should be in control?

LegacyUser

but the book - 'he's just not that into you'. You'll never wonder about boys again! (O: Good luck.xx

daRobot

Sarah** wrote:

Well in all fairness 'darobot' you really musn't have any regard for how the girl feels then.

Am i right in thinking you will let her text you a number of times before replying?

Why let the girl chase. If you like her you like her. Game playing is ridiculous and as for the power balance in the relationship???? Dont make me laugh, so your saying the bloke should be in control?

Nope, it's nothing to do with disrespecting the girls feelings.Game playing goes on in all kinds of interactions and it's not a bad thing,in fact for me anyway, it makes it a lot more exciting.

I'll always reply to texts after a few minutes.The whole not replying thing is just secondry school behaviour.

Why let her chase? Because it makes things a lot easier on my side.

And yeah, of course I want to be the one in control, who doesn't.

In any kind of relationship there's a more dominant and a more submissive partner.I prefer to be the dominant partner.Simple as really.

Lux23

So if she doesn't make a move at all and even though you really like her you will just let everything go?

Sarah**

Yeah daRobot would you let her just go if she didnt make a move? Also I think the whole control thing is just a mans thing and the women couldnt be bothered with that ****. The girls i know never play games so why get into all that with a bloke if your not into playing games. Which obviously the OP isnt.

Also agree with Diddy, for anyone who hasnt read the book go to easons and get a copy. Not just for women to read i think it would give men a good insight to relationships and how not to treat a woman!

If she is interested she would text. Its simple.

The Sweeper

OP, I think you'd be nuts to text him.

Not because girls shouldn't, or it's his job, or anything like that.

Because you're just out of a four-year relationship.

What are you looking for from one-night-stand guy? Another relationship? Give yourself a break. You need to spend a bit of time on your own if your next relationship is to be successful.

Time and space lets you view your last relationship with some degree of objectivity, so you can see where it went wrong and set boundaries for what you do and don't want in your life going forward. If you don't give yourself that time before entering another relationship you'll just do all the same things again and end up fighting with your new bloke over issues that are entirely to do with your ex boyfriend.

Take the good points of your one night stand - the pleasing physical aspects and the lush compliments - and feel better about them. Forget about the rest of it. Your worth as a human being is not defined by whether or not a one night stand calls you.

Why don't you just try enjoying being single for a while?

Dragan

Lux23 wrote:

In fairness that isn't much of a realtionship!!

Why not, because it's short? I've had more meaningful relationships with 2 girls that i went out with for about 4 months each, that my first girlfriend who i went out with for over 2 years.

You can't judge the content, or context of a relationship based on how long it lasts. Thats just silly, his shorter relationships could have ended for a multitude or reasons, and even if it was just a break up, they still could have been extremely important in his life.

For the OP, this is the way i see it. I am recently single....and am learning to just enjoy my time again. I tell all my female friends , and my males friends (!) who worry about the "one night stand thing" that you can only be used if you let yourself be used....so this guy might not call you back, what does that mean??? Nothing....did you have fun and enjoy yourself? Then YOU got what YOU needed from the whole thing.

Marksie

daRobot wrote:

Why let her chase? Because it makes things a lot easier on my side.

And yeah, of course I want to be the one in control, who doesn't.

In any kind of relationship there's a more dominant and a more submissive partner.I prefer to be the dominant partner.Simple as really.

Seems like that would indicate a want my cake and eat it attitude, where i control everything but am lazy about getting it.

Beetlebum

Well well well....look who came crawling to me!! Hee hee hee...

He texted me last night about half ten asking if I wanna hook up next week. I'm going to London for the weekend so I can't meet him until next week. I'm really glad he got in touch, not cause I'm mad into him...hell, I hardly know him...but it made me feel less rejected.

Thanks everybody for your advice. I don't want a new bf so soon but we have the same taste in music & film and we both like drinking so maybe this could be casual fun for a while....betcha he watched Swingers (the movie)....he waited exactly 5 days to call...that is so money;)

Marksie

Beetlebum wrote:

Well well well....look who came crawling to me!! Hee hee hee...

He texted me last night about half ten asking if I wanna hook up next week. I'm going to London for the weekend so I can't meet him until next week. I'm really glad he got in touch, not cause I'm mad into him...hell, I hardly know him...but it made me feel less rejected.

Thanks everybody for your advice. I don't want a new bf so soon but we have the same taste in music & film and we both like drinking so maybe this could be casual fun for a while....betcha he watched Swingers (the movie)....he waited exactly 5 days to call...that is so money;)

Great, if you are not going to get hurt, and your self confidence is boosted. Enjoy for what it is.

LegacyUser

Sarah** wrote:

Well in all fairness 'darobot' you really musn't have any regard for how the girl feels then.

Am i right in thinking you will let her text you a number of times before replying?

Why let the girl chase. If you like her you like her. Game playing is ridiculous and as for the power balance in the relationship???? Dont make me laugh, so your saying the bloke should be in control?

Face it. Girls love a challenge. They hate it when a guy lays it all out there @ the beginning when he really likes her. Where is the fun then? You gotta play the game, at least for the first month or two by keeping it easy and fun and then if you really like her, then you can kind of up it a bit...but most important thing is to always be slow, and keep her on her toes. Who doesn't love a challenge?