Girlfriend called it off with me

LegacyUser

I met her 5 years ago on holiday. We immediately hit it off, like love at first sight... We tried the whole long distance relationship thing, it was on and off at the best of times. She is 5 years older than me and we were both in our teens when we first met.

Last year i went across to see her again, once again we fell madly in love. At this stage though, since we were not contacting each other regularly and things had kind of died down and she had a boyfriend. She cheated on him with me for the whole month i was there. I got home to ireland and once again we started the long distance relationship...

After about 4-5 months emailing each other, telling each other how much we loved each other etc, i asked her to break up with her boyfriend and tell him the truth, she didn't. I was angry at first but after a couple weeks we started talking again and made up (as friends).

A few weeks ago she came across to ireland to visit family here, i layed off and assumed we were going to stay friends since she still had her boyfriend. She came onto me and made the first kiss... this was led by serious discussion about her boyfriend and what our future would be (to which she gave no clear indication). She told me she didn't love him and was seriously considering leaving him... i believe her.

Last week i sensed something wrong, she was being distant.. i thought maybe she was just down or something and didn't think much of it. A couple days ago i leaned forward to kiss her and she pulled away. I asked what the matter was and she said that she thinks shes "bad for me and that i need to maybe find a girl my own age". I asked her if she still loved me, she said that peoples feelings change... i asked if she felt anything for me, she said yes. She was crying when she told me all of this.

I dont want to end it with her and want to try to make a serious go of things but now i dont know what to do, shes basically said she just wants to be friends but i know she feels something for me... I also have reason to believe that a friend of hers (a guy friend) said she should stop hanging around with me and start hanging around with people her own age.

Anyone give any advice on what to do to get her back?

Sleepy

Sounds like there's nothing you can do I'm afraid. Let go, get used to being on your own for a while and get back in the game.

tj-music.com

Sleepy wrote:

Sounds like there's nothing you can do I'm afraid. Let go, get used to being on your own for a while and get back in the game.

I have to agree, unfortunately. Been there - I know how much it hurts but the quicker you let go the less the aftermath of pain and mysery.

LegacyUser

You have to look and analyse the situation you had. It wasn't really love. If it was she wouldn't have looked @ anyone else.

Be grateful your out of the situation and hope time passes quickly so you can get on with yourself. Head up buddy.

Miss Fluff

6577 wrote:

I... We tried the whole long distance relationship thing, it was on and off at the best of times. She is 5 years older than me and we were both in our teens when we first met.......Last year i went across to see her again, once again we fell madly in love. At this stage though, since we were not contacting each other regularly and things had kind of died down and she had a boyfriend. She cheated on him with me for the whole month i was there. I got home to ireland and once again we started the long distance relationship....After about 4-5 months emailing each other, telling each other how much we loved each other etc, i asked her to break up with her boyfriend and tell him the truth, she didn't. I was angry at first but after a couple weeks we started talking again and made up (as friends).

Not being unsympathetic here pet but it doesn't really sound like an actual relationship here. You tried long distance, that didn't work, it has been on-again, off-again and she's had boyfriends in the interim. Sounds like a holiday romance that was kept ever so slightly alight. I'd say move on and start enjoying yourself rather than devoting your time to a half-relationship.;)

Black Swan

6577 wrote:

I asked her if she still loved me, she said that peoples feelings change...

Not a good response. Also, she has a boyfriend now and has had him while you were apart? And you are now together in Ireland and it's not working? None of these are good signs. Several of the posters here think it's over. It probably is over (if it ever really was).

I know this is not what you asked for on boards...

OK, go for broke. Plan a really fun day and night out with her. Make sure it's something that would be fun for her, not just you. Stay fun and positive, give her a lot of eye contact, smiles, humour, and stay close enough to touch, and do so if it feels right for the both of you. Don't push for her to spend the night with you. If it is mutual and happens, then great, but that's not your main objective. Avoid bringing up any problems.

Perhaps a theme day and night might be fun? For example, you might play Japanese. Start at a tea house with a "tea ceremony," a traditional way of meeting, then do something Japanese (Go to a Karate or Judo dojo and watch a match or see a Japanese theme film/video; followed by a meal at a traditional Japanese restaurant (and make sure to use or try to use chop sticks); then end with gift giving by candle light (nothing too expensive...it's the thought). This is just an example. You could pick other themes, or whatever.

If it doesn't change things, then at least the last thing you will both remember doing was fun.:cool:

sutty

Hate to be mean. But it sounds like you where the bit on the side. she's been cheating on the boyfriend she does have. She wouldn't brake up with him. But still seen you... It really comes across like she was only in it for the kicks. You'd be better off finding someone closer and more reliable and faithful. Age doesn't really matter all that much if both people are on the same level. So to me, it sounds like she was just calling it off.

It be best to cut off contact with the girl and move on with your life.

Beetlebum

It seems to me like she wanted the best of both worlds. When you're truly in love with someone, you don't want anybody else. It will be painful but I think you need to avoid contact with this girl. It will be even more painful in the longrun if you get in any deeper and she really f*cks you over which, I'm sorry to say, seems pretty inevitable.

LegacyUser

As usual, Miss Fluff is always correct. I don't think she was ever really your girlfriend - good friends ok and, of course, a 'bit on d side'. When the bucket becomes to heavy, I think U should put it down.

LikeOhMyGawd!

6577 wrote:

I met her 5 years ago....She is 5 years older than me and we were both in our teens when we first met.

Doing the 'Math', as they say in America, when you met you were either 13 or 14 and she would have been 18 or 19, respectively (Respect dude!). That being the case you are 18 or 19 yourself now, and she 23 or 24 now. She's getting on and is probably at a stage where she needs some stability. In fact, she probably has this stability in her boyfriend. It's just her time to draw a line in the sand and move on. Sorry dude, move on yourself and get someone who you can have a proper time with.

LegacyUser

Its just going to be hard because i will see her quite often because her sister is married to my brother, hence how we met.

LegacyUser

Jesus....interesting....

LegacyUser

If anyone has a more messed up relationship with a girl please post.. i think i've won hands down though

Zombrex

Miss Fluff wrote:

Not being unsympathetic here pet but it doesn't really sound like an actual relationship here. You tried long distance, that didn't work, it has been on-again, off-again and she's had boyfriends in the interim. Sounds like a holiday romance that was kept ever so slightly alight. I'd say move on and start enjoying yourself rather than devoting your time to a half-relationship.;)

Agree with that 100% - Long distance relationship does not equal relationship. You have not been going out for 5 years, you have been going out for the total number of days you have been together, which isn't very long

A LDR has a chance of working if the split is only temporary and if it is based on a long proper relationship before the split, but something that is based on a few weeks of knowing each other properly is not a basis for a LDR.

To OP I'm afraid what you had was probably largely make believe, it is easy to have a "relationship" over text and emails because its all fantasy. Its actually being together thats the hard bit. And it seems that as she has spend proper time with you she has realised that actually you aren't both maddly in love.

This happens to the best of us, it happened to me. Brief spell of going out, followed by LDR for a year believing we were "going out" for a whole year, followed by meeting up again and realising that actually what we had was only a few weeks together over a year ago, we didn't know each other well, and really she didn't want this.

Them are the breaks. Forget about her and get yourself someone in the same time zone.

BTW, speaking from experience, when she gets back to where ever she is from she is probably going to be lonely and want to start up the long distance thing again. Don't do it. If you do and it goes tits up again (which it will) you only have yourself to blame

Tak3n

Another question....

Should you forward the emails she sent you to her current boyfriend... just for the fact that she screwed you around?


think about it

kensutz

Tak3n wrote:

Another question....

Should i forward the emails she sent me to her current boyfriend... just for the fact that screwed me around?

Nope, get over it. It's over and no point being bitter. It was a case that never would last.

Ickle Magoo

6577 wrote:

She cheated on him with me for the whole month i was there.

OK, this sentance alone tells me a) you were not in a proper relationship & b) you shouldn't be surprised she is now doing this to you....move on, find someone who wants to be with you, doesn't screw around & lives a little closer to home? best of luck