football

ayatollah

Two Manchester United fans are walking along the street. One of them finds a mirror lying on the street, picks it up, looks into it, and says "Hey, I know that bloke."

The second fan picks it up and says, "Of course you do, you idiot - it's me!"



old and out of date but still funny -


Alex Ferguson goes to the Arsenal training camp and says to Arsene Wenger, "Arsene how come yor players seem so much fitter and sharper than mine?" Arsene replies, "Well it is because I ask them a question everyday - watch."

"Dennis come over here!" Dennis Bergkamp trots over and says, "Yes boss?".

"Dennis it is your father's son but not your brother, who is it?"

"It is me boss!" replies Dennis. "Very good, off you go now!", retorts Arsene.

Having seen this Alex goes back to Manchester United and calls over David Beckham.

"David it is your father's son but not your brother who is it?"

David pauses for a momment and then says, "This is a tricky one Gaff, can I have the evening to mull it over?"

"Course you can" replies Alex.

So David goes home and thinks, "I know I willl ring Jaap Stam he seems like a clever lad."

So he rings Jaap and says, "Jaap, it is your father's son but not your brother who is it?" Jaap replies, "It is me Dave!"

So Dave thanks him and puts the phone down.

Next morning David runs over to Alex and says, "I have got the answer to that question boss, it is Jaap!"

Alex frowns and retorts, "No you stupid fool, it is Dennis Bergkamp!"




An Arsenal fan, Chelsea fan, and a Liverpool fan, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.

The Chelsea fan said, "We should go to Mars."
The Liverpool fan said, "We should go to the Moon."

The Chelsea fan and the Liverpool fan sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the Arsenal fan shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to... the Sun!"

The Chelsea fan and the Liverpool fan looked at each other and started laughing. The Chelsea fan finally said, "You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!"

The Arsenal fan said, "Duh... not if you go at night!"





David Beckham started jogging near his home in Madrid.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"Fifty euros!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five euros!" David would fire back.

This ritual between David and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty euros!" He'd yell back, "Five euros!"

One day, Victoria decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, David realized she'd bark her €50 offer and Victoria would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a very good explanation for his beloved.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, David became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. David tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five euros!!!"




David Beckham had just got a new sports car and was out for a drive when he cut up a lorry driver. The trucker motioned for him to pull over. Which he did, the trucker got out of his lorry and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.

He drew a circle on the road and told Beckham, "Stand in the circle and don't move!" He then went to Beckham's car and cut up his leather seats. When he turned around Beckham had a slight grin on his face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this."

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in the car. When he turns and looks at him, Beckham has a smile on his face. The trucker's getting really mad.

He gets his knife back out and slashes all of his tyres. Now Beckham is chuckling. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of petrol, pours it on the car and sets it on fire. He turns around and Beckham is laughing so hard he is about
to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asks. Beckham replied, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle four times!"




England manager Sven-Goran Eriksson sees a giant turd on the pitch during a match, so he shouts to his players, "Who has sh*t on the pitch?" to which Peter Crouch replies, "Me boss, but I'm quite good in the air!"



England team-mates Steven Gerrard and Wayne Rooney were speeding down the street when they passed a cop.

"Oh no!" cried Gerrard. "Is he following me?"
"Yep," replied Rooney.

"I'm going to drive down this little side road, okay?" said the Gerrard.
"Yep," replied Rooney.

"Is the cop still following me?"
"Yep."

"Is his lights on?"
"Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope..."




Rumours that England midfielder Frank Lampard was seen successfully seducing a young woman in a Danish nightclub with a one-liner have been completely refuted by the English FA.

An FA spokesman stated: "I find it totally preposterous to suggest that one of our players could make a successful pass to or at anyone."



Many years ago while playing for England, Rodney Marsh was somewhat taken aback by Alf Ramsey when he let Rodders know that if he didn't smarten his ideas up, Alf would be pulling him off at half time. Rodney replied that would be quite a change, considering he usually only got cup of tea and half an orange at QPR





What does a Dutch man do after the Netherlands won the World Cup?

- He turns off the Play Station.

ayatollah

Thierry Henry: "Sometimes in football you have to score goals."

Paul Gascoigne: "I've had 14 bookings this season 8 of which were my fault but the other 7 were disputable!"


Mark Viduka: "I wouldn't be bothered if we lost every match this year as long as we win the league!"

David Beckham: "We want Brooklyn to be christened but we don't know into what religion yet."

Kevin Keegan: "I've had an interest in racing all my life, or longer really."

Kevin Keegan: "In some ways, cramp is worse than a broken leg!"

Kevin Keegan: "I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's completely different."

Kevin Keegan: "You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw!"

Kevin Keegan: "You can't play with a one-armed goalkeeper - not at this level!"

Kevin Keegan: "Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late 20s or 30s!"

Kevin Keegan: "He's using his strength, and that is his strength - his strength."

Kevin Keegan: "The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup come around if they're not careful."

Kevin Keegan: "People will say that's typical City, which really annoys me. But that's typical City, I suppose."

Kevin Keegan: "We know what's around the corner, we just don't know where the corner is."

Luis Figo: "I have made an irrevocable decision: I will not be a Real Madrid player whoever wins the elections. If any of the fans have felt upset or disappointed about what has happened, I would like them to forgive me, but they should only believe what I say. I am sure that the whole affair will be just an anecdote in the career of Luis Figo as a Barcelona player."

Dave Bassett: "An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."


Tom Ferrie: "Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead."

Gerry Francis: "What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio!"

Paul Gascoigne: "I no longer drink. At most I will have a glass of wine. I want to play until I am 38 and I think Everton can win the title."

Peter Withe: "Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals."

Norman Whiteside: "The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we come from the same place... play for the same club... and were discovered by the same man."

Nicky Butt: "We want do well in the Cups because it's nice to get to Wembley, I mean Cardiff Arms Park!"

Gianluca Vialli: "The only way to stop him (Thierry Henry) is with a gun!"

Terry Venables: "If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen!"

Bobby Robson: "He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him."

Bryan Robson: "If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistant!"

Bobby Robson: "I did not want to sign Clarence Acuna, but he is such a good player he forced me to do so."

Vidar Riseth: "I've started believing my house is cursed by an evil force. Since I moved I've spent quite some time in the stands or on the bench. I've started to think about putting the house on the market. Maybe I should check if any of my team-mates are interested - preferably one fighting for the same position as me!"

Peter Reid: "We all know that in football if you stand still you go backwards."

Stuart Pearce: "I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel!"

Alan Parry: "The shot from Laws was precise but wide."

Michael Owen: "I don't want to be modelling G-strings - it's not that good for my image. I'm a footballer not a tart."

Erik Mykland: "We (the Norwegian squad) love each other... on and off the pitch!"

Brian Moore: "Rosenborg have won 66 games, and they've scored in all of them!"

Brian Moore: "The news from Guadalajara where the temperature is 96 degrees, is that Falcao is warming up."

Malcolm McDonald: "Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put together."

Mick Lyons: "If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers."

Gary Lineker: "An excellent player, but Ian Wright does have a black side."

Stuart Hall: "What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?"

Lennie Lawrence: "Luke (Chadwick) is proving he's a good footballer. He's not David Beckham but then again not many players are."

Denis Law: "There's no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best. He's another Ryan Giggs!"

Kevin Keegan: "They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different!"

Kevin Keegan: "I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona!"

Kevin Keegan: "Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right behind him."

Kevin Keegan: "His (the assistant referee's) job tonight was to try and be fair to both sides but every time something happened in that corner - and there were quite a few incidents there - it was as if he had arthritis in one of his arms, and he could only point the flag in one direction!"

Paul Jewell: "He (Gerald Sibon) didn't storm out of the ground - he's not that quick!"

Mike Ingham: "Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side."

Benny Lennartsson: "I have taught Sven (Goran Eriksson) a lot, but not in football. As an older student I showed him the 'Ox Dance' that is a folk dance we need to learn."

Martin Hodge: "I spent four indifferent years at Goodison Park, but they were great years."

John Greig: "Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve."

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?"

Terry Venables: "I think it's fifty - fifty!"

Jimmy Hill: "What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal."

Alan Green: "You don't score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level without being able to score goals."

Alan Green: "It was that game that put the Everton ship back on the road."

Andy Gray: "I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs."

Paul Gascoigne: "I never make predictions and I never will."

Raymond Domenech: "Bernard (Mendy) he is a Ferrari... although, with this Ferrari, we are missing a driver!"

Nikos Dabizas: "I go to the cinema. I don't always understand what's going on but I laugh along with the rest of the audience anyway."

Richard Park: "Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails."

BBC TV boat race commentator, Harry Carpenter in 1977: "Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew!"

Trevor Brooking: "That's football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored but England have had no chances and scored twice."

Trevor Brooking: "Being naturally right-footed he doesn't often chance his arm with his left foot."

Trevor Brooking: "Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different."

Bernd Stange: "There are risks in every job, (Cameroon manager) Winfried Schafer could be attacked by a lion in Cameroon at any time!"

George Best: "Boozing players are dragging our game into the gutter."

Dave Bassett: "I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley... unless somebody knocks us out!"

Alan Ball: "I'm not a believer in luck... but I do believe you need it!"

Ron Atkinson: "I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way!"

Ron Atkinson: "I would also think that the action replay showed it to be worse than it actually was."

Ron Atkinson: "I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat!"

Ron Atkinson: "Good player (Jens Jeremies), unfortunate face."

Ron Atkinson: "I would not say he - David Ginola - is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."