Your opinion wanted.....

LegacyUser

Earlier this year, I was told I have 3-5 years maximum to live if I'm lucky.

How do I tell my partner this or should I even say anything at all.
We have only this year moved in together (before I knew).

Thanks for your opinions,

KindaNumbStill

Wibbs

Jesus that is hard. I would say you have to tell them as soon as possible. Saying nothing can only make things worse.

BTW I take it you've gotten second, third, fourth opinions on the medical side? therapies change by the day, you never know.

The best of luck to you.

BoozyBabe

I'm very sorry to hear that.

Yes, I think you should tell your partner. They have a right to know. They're probably planning their future with you, planning on growing old with you, whereas you know that's not going to happen, & you should give them as long as possible to prepare for that.
Even if it means they can't cope with that & need to end the relationship & find someone else to build a future with, I think you need to give them this option.

I recently found out something about myself that will possibly create difficulties in myself & my BF's life, something that is important to both of us.
I told him as soon as I found out practically, as he deserved to know, so he could make the decision whether or not to pursue the relationship.

Best of luck.

Black Swan

Difficult times. Yes, you should tell your partner. It's for both your benefits in dealing with it, being there for each other. Life is so precious.

Miguel_Sanchez

Yeah, tough as it may be, you really should tell them.

Miss Fluff

Have you been for a second opinion? Is there nothing that can be done?:(

I'm terribly sorry to hear that, it must be awful for you. I would advise telling her. Some "down days" along the way are inevitable and she will not be able to give you the support you need if she doesn't know what the problem is. Take Care and God Bless

Marksie

Oh my, I am so sorry to hear that. it must be awful for you.

Talk to your partner right away say things you have always wanted to say.

Two years ago i lost my only nephew suddenly (28, died of a heart attack) There was so much i didnt say and do with him.

It may seem facetious, but i wish now that i had spent more time with him and lived evry day to the full. it is a regret i have every day.

They also gave my father only forty eight hours to live in january this year and he is now planting vegetables.

There is a saying "expect the best, prepare for the worst". Sort every detail out practically to provide for your partners future.
Live every day to its full and keep positive.
Fight this with everything you have and love your partner in equal measure.

Goddess bless you

LegacyUser

Thanks all,...
Oh, Ive had second third and forth opinions, and a lot of tests. They have suspected as much since last year but have been trying to treat until there was no treatment other than just keeping me going.
So now, they say this is the last usable treatment because of my condition. (Apparently early death is usually uncommon but Im rare in that I have one thing and another that dont mix well I guess).

Im taking every day as it comes and living every minute as well as I can while I can.

I suppose I will try to tell him, I think Im still just trying to blieve it myself, damn, somtimes I cant.

Kindanumbstill.

bassist

im so sorry man, that has to be worst thing i can imagine. all i can say is if my gf was in that position i would want her to tell me. so at leats i can support her with all the facts. if your pissed off or feeling sad about it some days she wont know why and she'll get the wrong end of the stick completely. she might react thinking your just beening a depressing human being and start feeling differant about you. i know id want support during such a bad time....
best of luck, god bless

LegacyUser

Well,
I hate to drag up an old thread but I need advice.........
I still have not been able to tell him.
I want to, I really want to so much, but he would be hurt and I know he could'nt deal with it.
He would try, and I know he would. But I also know he would'nt be able for it. That is not somthing im assuming, its somthing I know. I have seen so many lesser things send him into deep deep depressions.

I still have told absolutely no-one. And that is killing me quicker than anything else I think. My health is just getting worse and worse, I'm able to do less and less for myself. Its degrading. And I want so so much to go "on my own terms" but I can't. I have my friends and relations to think about as well as my partner.....and yet, I have researched pills and doses of what would help me on my way best and quickest. Ha! I even have my own special hidden pill jar with doses of what I would need inside.
Im pathetic.

God, I feel so unbelievably lost.
Don't even know why Im posting this, I spose its because I spend so much time here, Im a well known user and over the years that Ive seen so many good people here whos opinions I value, and I can be anon without worrying.


Kindanumbstill

LegacyUser

Im so sorry to hear your news, its just a dreadful situation to be in and I cant imagine living it or being as strong as you are, you are fantastic.
Please don't carry the burden on your own though-the stress of that alone would undoubtedly create further medical problems or accelerate those you already have.

Having suffered from depression in the past, let me put myself in your partner's shoes. If you told me this, I know I would want to be as strong as possible for you and would not want to drag you down into a depressed state. I would have to cope with your news, however difficult, and live every moment with you to the full rather than wasting it on the mundane in life.

If, on the other hand, you didnt tell me and were two or three years into your time left, I would be devestated that you could not rely on me, that I couldnt stand next to you and try to keep you strong and that my previous actions stopped you from opening up and telling me one of the most important things you ever had to say.

I imagine that telling your partner would be the hardest thing you ever had to do, but he would thank you for it because he would have appreciated all the time he got to enjoy with you.

You really are a fantastic person, Ill be saying a prayer that this gets somewhat easier for you xxx

quad_red

kindanumbstill wrote:

And I want so so much to go "on my own terms" but I can't. I have my friends and relations to think about as well as my partner.....and yet, I have researched pills and doses of what would help me on my way best and quickest. Ha! I even have my own special hidden pill jar with doses of what I would need inside.
Im pathetic.

That's not pathetic. It's about control and fearing that you'll lose your dignity.

I suppose without knowing you, without knowing how it is that you're ill, means that all this advice is just (well meaning) shots in the dark.

I think everyone has thought about what it would be like to be in your situation. OP, I think you have to get this off your chest. You need to be prepared to fight. And to do this you need to accept the reality of your situation. I'm a firm believer in the 'everythings not lost' attitude.

I think you need to orientate yourself and ready yourself to at the very least maximise what you have left (if that's the case) and fight for more.

And living in denial to your loved ones and friends doesn't seem healthy or useful. I think you'll find alot of comfort and help from people, alot more than you expect.

As for your boyfriend - if he can't be there for you when you need him most, well, then you need to depend on others.

Beruthiel

kindanumbstill wrote:

My health is just getting worse and worse, I'm able to do less and less for myself.

Has your b/f not sussed that something is wrong already then?

Its degrading. And I want so so much to go "on my own terms"

Very understandable, I would be the same.

I have researched pills and doses of what would help me on my way best and quickest. Ha! I even have my own special hidden pill jar with doses of what I would need inside.
Im pathetic.

No you're not, I believe I would do the exact same thing under such difficult circumstances.

I have no answers for you though There will never be a right time to tell anyone and you are afraid of their reactions.
You know your b/f would want you to tell him. As this is a first, you are only guessing how everyone is going to handle it, sometimes people can really surprise you with the strength they can drap up from no where. Give them all a chance to help you. You know they will want to. Give them terms on that help if it makes you feel better. It will be a weight off your shoulders.
Take care.

hairyfairy00

When my aunt was given weeks to live she and my uncle did as much as they could with each other and their children. I know my uncle, cousins and myself included cherished the time spent with her before she died.
I'm so deeply sorry about your situation, I guess you'll know in time when to tell him but don't leave it too long, you and him could have a lot of regrets and "what if's".
Take care, god bless

edanto

I'm sorry to read about your news and I hope that things don't get too hard for you.

One idea for knowing when and how to tell the people that you love might be to get some advice from the counsellors in the hospital. They would be able to guide you through this.

I couldn't pretend to know how anyone would react when you tell them this news, but when something like this has happenned with the people that I know the bonds have been strengthened, after a period of stress. The stressful times were hard, small things became much bigger and that led to some arguments, but with the perspective of time, only the important feelings of love and respect were left.

oulu

Simple put shoe on other foot, then you have your answer

kindanumbstill wrote:

Earlier this year, I was told I have 3-5 years maximum to live if I'm lucky.

How do I tell my partner this or should I even say anything at all.
We have only this year moved in together (before I knew).

Thanks for your opinions,

KindaNumbStill

jammie

OP you have to tell your partner, this is not something you can keep something so serious from him, I keep saying on here I too have a very serious incurable illness which will more than likely kill me within 5 years and that is one of the hardest things to tell boyfriends, i am lucky with my bf who has accepted me warts and all and if anything we know that we may not have as many years as other lucky people have but then again you dont know....Please tell him and you can start planning things you want to do with him before your time is up....He obviously loves you so it shouldnt be a problem...If you can sign up and pm me feel free ok...:o

Aoide

First off, I'm so sorry for all you are going through
I'm with everyone else on this, tell him, he might be stronger than you think.
If you find it hard to approach the subject, ask him to read this thread.

Gone West

kindanumbstill wrote:

Earlier this year, I was told I have 3-5 years maximum to live if I'm lucky.

How do I tell my partner this or should I even say anything at all.
We have only this year moved in together (before I knew).

Thanks for your opinions,

KindaNumbStill

Doctors can be and are wrong.
A lot...

the_syco

FuzzyLogic wrote:

Doctors can be and are wrong.
A lot...

I second that.

=-=

Also, having been in a coma for 3 days, after being whacked by a car, I can also say that medicine has come forward in leaps and bounds.

Stay anon, but is there any chance of telling us what condition you have? There's at least 30 monkeys on this forum at any one time, and 5 of which will proberly look around to see is there a cure for your illness.

=-=

Before you say "the doc told me...", I'd like you to look up how many women have had unneseccary surgery that prevents them from having kids... cos the doc told them they had to have it. Only to find out in years to come, that it wasn't.

=-=

A doc ain't a machine. They can't know everything. 5 monkeys with access to the net may be able to find out something they don't know of.

_patchouli

marksuttonie wrote:

There is a saying "expect the best, prepare for the worst".

This is a good approach.
I suppose this is important for us all to try and bear in mind, at any stage of life - None of us knows what is around the corner.

OP, if people are not even aware of a pre-existing condition that could be terminal, then maybe break that news to them first. Then a little later, the time factor . .

FuzzyLogic wrote:

Doctors can be and are wrong.
A lot...

True. I know of an elderly man who was told 6 months and lived for 6 years and even then it was not directly from the illness itself. Not trying to give false hope with that example. Just making the point that none of us knows for sure how long we will have...
I would say to try not to dwell on the time estimate, like it's a given...
I really feel for what you must be going through, especially as you are going through it on your own.
But as another poster mentioned, maybe seek some counselling to explore your concerns about telling people.

wet-paint

In case I'm wrong, I'm presuming it's just too hard to tell him at all, rather to think you're keeping the bad news to yourself just so you can go on living with him, happy as larry in the relationship. I'd been living in denial about some things for the last year or so, just so my relationships would go on fine. I finally spilled the beans, and told my parents, friends, everyone. Thank God I did.
Bite the bullet, and tell the truth. If he means so much to you, he does deserve to know.
Think about how much you feel for him. How deep your feelings run for him. If he got fired, you'd be there for him, right? If he was injured in a car wreck,
you'd move heaven and hell to make sure he's comfortable recuperating in hospital. If God Forbid, he found out he hadn't long left with you, would you run for the door, or stand right by his side through thick and thin?

Well, turn it around. He'd want to know. You say you know he couldn't deal with it, but people have this habit of surprising you when you don't expect it.

Also, there's nothing cowardly or pathetic about thinking of ending it on your own terms. I'm not going to advise any course of action, but I can see why some people think that if it's going to happen anyway, it's going to happen the way you want it to.
I do hope it goes well for you, all the best.

Bob the Builder

I'm very sorry to hear that sad news, you seem like such a lovely person...You have an illness and think you're being pathetic, you are actually, to say the least, been totally considerate. you are being very considerate in the fact that you are trying to be as gentle with your partner as possible.

Tell your partner, it takes a feeling of insecurity out of your soul, tell your family, they will understand...they will help you

The illness will only defeat you when you give up enjoying yourself...as for now, not telling your partner is only letting the illness defeat you. Tell him, you and your partner might as well make the most of it....
You have told us here and but you are still holding yourself back, you need to tell someone, they will understand as we have at Boards!

~I think everyone will share the same opinion as me when I say Good Luck and God give You his blessings!~

Dreamer 7

"Well,
I hate to drag up an old thread but I need advice........."

Dont apologise for bringing this subject up again , jesus if we are the only people you are talking about this to talk all day hun if it makes u feel better.

I cant begin to imagine how you are feeling but carrying this around with you day after day will be hell. You are worried about how ur partner will react to the news and worrying that it will depress them WTF???
Why are you worrying about other people reactions? This is all about you! Who is worrying about you and how you are reacting?? Noone coz you are keeping it all to yourself. Your partner aside your family deserve to know, just take a deep breath and blurt it all out it will make you feel better to release the stress.
I bet the will be alot of people who would never forgive themselves for not being there for you, you need to give them that chance.
I think faced with a situation like this you need to look after no.1 and disregard how anyone else will feel /react. If the worst does come to the worst surely you could be spending these last years doing something better than worrying?
Please keep in touch, at least here you can vent some of your emotions. Seroiusly OP open up and tell ur family so they can help, love and mind you, its the only way ofrward.
God Bless xxx

Dinxminx

First of all, I want you to know I'm crossing my fingers and offering up all sorts of prayers for you. Secondly, tell your partner. If you don't it'll be much worse, not only for him but for you too. It'll be easier for you when he knows. Turn the situation around and think how hurt you might feel if he kept it from you; that he didn't trust your love enough to tell you.

Hope things go well,
Stay brave!