Influence of boyfriends best friend

LegacyUser

I've been going out with my boyfriend for about 6 months now. Things were great, brilliant infact until nearly a month ago his best friend broke up with his girlfriend. Now it seems that my boyfriend spends all his time with hi. They go out about 4 or 5 times a week. I know he's a player, i have always trusted my boyfriend, but lately he's been more distant. And I know his best friend keeps going on how good the times were when they were both single. I've tried talkin to my boyf about this but he just laughs it off...doesnt say much. What should i do?

Strokesfan

Get the best friend a girlf pronto! set him up! even set him up with someone that you don't like! It speaks volumes that when he had a girlfriend ye hardly saw him and now he's leading your boy astray. It's tough cos your boyf must be a bit easily led off with your man. Either way act cool and don't be clingy - he'l come back to you

abetarrush

cut off their willies



or, you hang with your mates

And Put yo foot down. If u dont want yo man goin out, tell him, and bitchslap his ass

Ruu_Old

Its time to set the record straight OP or he will just walk all over you. Theres no other way around it, you'll have to try a bit harder to get him to sit down. Best of luck with the relationship.

Chinafoot

Be very, very careful here. The last thing you want to do is be the cause of any tension between them because at the end of the day your boyfriend will put his friend first, just like you would put your friends first.

I've been there with an ex who was in college in Dundalk when we first started seeing each other. He lived there with his best mate as they were both in the same college. My ex never came home much at weekends until he started seeing me. His best friend told me one night that the reason he didn't like me was because my ex "never came home for the weekends with me but he comes home for you"...He couldn't quite understand the fact that as I was still in school and not living in Dundalk it was the only way we could see each other and even when he did come home his time was pretty evenly split between me and his friends.
Things got worse and the best friend caused a whole load of shít for our relationship (including accusing me of doing the dirt on my boyfriend and he even accused me of coming onto him *gag*) and in the end I couldn't take it anymore.

I'd advise making sure you do your best to get along with this guy and maybe organise some group nights out where your mates and his mates can all go together so you won't be worrying about your bloke being led astray.

Failing that, have a chat with your bloke about it, but try to be as casual as possible while still getting your point across.

Good luck.

Bottle_of_Smoke

When you're seeing a girl at first you want to spend all your time with her. Then when you're done all the fun things you can do with a girl you realise hanging out with guys is much more fun.(unless she's really special) However there's no sex & OP you're bound to have something his best mate doesn't. So as soon as he gets bored with his mate things will balance out

Or he'll dump you -

Not to be mean but if he's spending 4-5 nights a week with someone thats a max of 2/3 for you. Assumedly he knows some other people too. *bigger* *things* *to* *worry* *about*

abetarrush

at the end of the day your boyfriend will put his friend first

Thats not true @ all

Iago

make him choose and you'll be dropped, there's no other way that situation can end up.

Let him go out with his mate, if you trust him then there's no issue. If you don't trust him then you shouldn't be together. at the same time you should be going out with your mates. and if from time to time you end up in the same place then so be it.

If he decides that he wants to be single then you're better off finding that out now and letting him off to do what he wants while you find someone that treats you the way you deserve to be treated. If however he is just being there for his friend and enjoying his nights out then I really don't see what the issue is.

Seems to me that this could be a sterotypical man v woman thing.

Man: I like going out drinking with my mate and having great craic till the early hours, so I'm going to do it as often as I can.

Woman: He must be cheating on me/unhappy in the relationship/ easily influenced to be behaving like this.

empirix

abetarrush wrote:

Thats not true @ all

I 'like' so agree with this, my former best mate met this chick and virtually became a recluse, they came out with us one night and i heard him make a few comments to her about how his head was wrecked and would of preferred to stay in with her, amongst other comments, wouldnt of been the first time i heard him talk behind our backs to make himself look good.

So we gave him his wish and kicked him into touch. I am actually glad he met that chick, showed us his through colours.

Still bitter to lose a friend but time just gets the better of some people, i always knew he was a bit of a "i only care about myself" person,but we grew up together and had a lot of good times, looking back it makes me sad sometimes to lose such a friend butpersonally i gave him enough chances and am happy with the decision

bealbocht

I think sorting out these kind of "balances" is what relationships are all about.

If you all but ignore your friends for months and months to spend time with your partner, you are going to lose contact with them.

In smaller groups, this can often mean someone left on their own.

If you go out with a couple.. you can really feel the gooseberry, but I also know a situation where a friend of mine would tell his girlfriend he was going out with me... even when he wastnt. She didnt really like me at the time ( as my name was associated with late drunken nights etc) so he could do what he liked.

On the other hand, at the time she would ring so often, a night out with him was like a night out with her... even thought she wasnt there !!

But to get back to the topic, the attitude "my boyfriends friends influence him" , is very much of the attitude " my boyfriends are bad and need to be removed" . So think how you would feel if he told you, you were not allowed to talk to your friends anymore !!

oulu

Dont play 2nd fiddle to anyone and if your BF prefers to be with his mate than you then I suggest you dump him, and find yourself someone who wants to be with you more than anyone else.If he treats you like sxxx and you let him then you have yourself to blame, Maybe point out that you want to see more of him and remind him how mant times his mate used ask him out for a drink when he was doing a line.

Ickle Magoo

at the end of the day your boyfriend will put his friend first

This is not true....and rightly so. Maybe when we are very young our friends mean more to us than our partners but as we get older our partners become our bestfriend and in no way compete with old school or uni friends in terms of importance in our lives....

Having said that, you have only been going out 6months so it may be a tad premature to demand your BF chooses between you...and remember, your BF is a willing participant, it's impossible to lead someone astray unless they want to be led....so perhaps instead of blaming the friend you need to sit your fella down & find out what is going on in his head? Best of luck

jj11

OP - I'd give it a bit more time and see if things even out. Maybe you're boyfriend feels a bit under pressure, and doesn't want his best mate to think he prefers spending time with you than him.

When I started going out wiht my g/f I had awful trouble from one of my best friends who accused me of having basically abandoned him. I tried to spend as much time with him as I had always done but that just wasn't possible, so the relationship had to change.

Often there comes a point where you have to, either practically or mentally, choose either your partner or your friends - maybe your b/f will come to that point soon.

abetarrush

Ickle Magoo wrote:

This is not true....and rightly so.....

Its not right

Most of the time, when somone gets with someone else, they say havin a BF/GF is like a Best friend, but so much more

So they dont need any other friends, and shut everyone out

I was mates with a guy I know since playschool, and best mates for 5 years straight. we were always tgether, but then he got a girlfriend and completely ignored me, and a lot of the others

Then if ye complain abt it people just say Shut up, you're just jealous, get your own girlfriend, but its not jealousy. U can never understand it til it happens 2 u

I dont have a girlfriend cos I dont want one, I've never gone lookin for one, i prefer bein single. These kind of people also seem to need a GF all the time, which shows lack of standards!

Now me new best mate has a GF and hes kinda startin t see her all the time

Like sum1 just said, its abt balance

Friendship is a 2 way thing, your mates arent just there for you, u hafta be there for them

LegacyUser

When his best friend was going out with his girlfriend he saw him about once a week. I've never stopped him or told him he couldnt go out, but it's getting a bit too much now.

jj11

Then if ye complain abt it people just say Shut up, you're just jealous, get your own girlfriend, but its not jealousy. U can never understand it til it happens 2 u

I think it depends on the time involved - if your friend 'ignores' you for the first few weeks or maybe months then I think thats kind of understandable; the first part of any serious relationship is marked by a certain amount of obssession with your new other half. As a friend you should give them the space they need, and have understanding.

But if you are pushed to the side and that goes on for ages then thats not on. Only a selfish fool would call it jealousy if you piped up about that.

Ickle Magoo

abetarrush wrote:

Its not right

I said "rightly so" with regards to a friend not being put before a partner....no friend I have would ever be put in a higher position in my life than my husband holds....when you have lived, loved, fought, had children with and gone through so many life altering situations with a partner - the relationship you have with someone you have gone out with for a couple of beers with since you were 18/19 pales into insignificance....not that the friend is insignificant, just compared to relationship you have with the partner...

abetarrush wrote:

U can never understand it til it happens 2 u

Exactly...:)

OP,

We could all sit here & debate what makes a friend & how often you should see a friend Vs the same about a partner but the bottom line is you're not happy & so something has to change....have you sat your fella down & told him how you feel? I think you must do that first and work from there....he may feel sorry for his friend, his friend may have a serious issue you don't know about and your fella is helping him work through it, or your fella could be taking the proverbial...only one way to find out....best of luck

Chinafoot

Ickle Magoo wrote:

I said "rightly so" with regards to a friend not being put before a partner....no friend I have would ever be put in a higher position in my life than my husband holds....when you have lived, loved, fought, had children with and gone through so many life altering situations with a partner

She's been with him for 6 months....do you honestly think that her boyfriend who has become distant and is hanging out with his best mate 4 or 5 nights a week is going to pick her over him if it comes down to it? I don't. My advice was not applying to all but from the sound of her post the OP sems to be young enough and in that case the advice may apply. I was not referring to any married couples....thats a whole different ball game.

Ickle Magoo

peachypants wrote:

She's been with him for 6 months....do you honestly think that her boyfriend who has become distant and is hanging out with his best mate 4 or 5 nights a week is going to pick her over him if it comes down to it? I don't. My advice was not applying to all but from the sound of her post the OP sems to be young enough and in that case the advice may apply. I was not referring to any married couples....thats a whole different ball game.

All relationships, if they are to blossom into a permanant relationship, marriage, etc, must eventually reach a point where the partners importance for each other outweighs the importance they each hold their respective friends in....your original comment suggested that he would automatically pick his friend over her as she would automatically pick hers over him & that was what I originally disagreed with....the comment I made to abetarrush was regarding their comment that a partner taking presidence over a friend was "just not right"....I agree in this instance the boyf may well be taking the preverbial as I stated in my post below/above...