Q&A with the Gnome

The Gnome

Hello my frubious weevils!

It's time for tales and ever so delightful pastiches! Ask a question and I shall answer! Don't be shy now we all know we're grubby little boys & girls around here.

What kinda gnome are you?

Hail 2 Da Chimp

Dont you hate pants?

The Gnome

Deleted User wrote:

What kinda gnome are you?

A fine quandry with a sad answer.

I fear these days I am what is known as an Urban Gnome. Gone are the days of rolling hills and damps dens. It's all white walls and Ikea, much to my dismay.

The Gnome

Hail 2 Da Chimp wrote:

Dont you hate pants?

Who doesn't? Or perhaps more importantly who shouldn't?

No, a nice cosy onesie will suffice. (Preferrably Humus Brown or Lichen Green)

What does a gnome find sexually attractive?

The Gnome

Deleted User wrote:

What does a gnome find sexually attractive?

I believe a well known Gnomish saying will answer this one.

"A hole's a hole and the hole's the goal."

Hail 2 Da Chimp

Would a gnome ever have sex with a starling?

If so why?

FlutterinBantam

Iv'e heard that gnomes have gnobs that look like walnuts... Is this true??

The Gnome

Hail 2 Da Chimp wrote:

Would a gnome ever have sex with a starling?

If so why?

Good heavens! No!

The Starling and all his ilk and Dwarvish kin and the very antithesis of all the is Gnome. That said there is a discrete underworld industry based on starling pornography and the like.

The Gnome

FlutterinBantam wrote:

Iv'e heard that gnomes have gnobs that look like walnuts... Is this true??

I'm afraid not. You appear to be confusing Gnomes with Gnolls. The sexual organs of a gnome are remarkably similar to those of a Human which, of course, is delightful.

Hail 2 Da Chimp

When was the first time nothing happened?

The Gnome

Hail 2 Da Chimp wrote:

When was the first time nothing happened?

It was a bright Tuesday morning and a mild breeze was coming in off the coast. I was standing there and all of a sudden nothing just seem to happen. It was as simple at that. I later returned to enjoy a breakfast of boiled egg and lightly buttered toast.

Hail 2 Da Chimp

But a breeze happened...? Isnt a breeze some thing?

The Gnome

Hail 2 Da Chimp wrote:

But a breeze happened...? Isnt a breeze some thing?

You misunderstand. Events occured as described until nothing happened. Nothing ceased happening and normality then resumed.

monkeyfudge

Is the 'G' actually silent? Because I enjoy pronouncing it.

Hail 2 Da Chimp

Is monkeyfudge's hatred of chimps irrational?

monkeyfudge

Hail 2 Da Chimp wrote:

Is monkeyfudge's hatred of chimps irrational?

When have I ever said that I hate chimps?

I only hate the fact that people think that chimps are monkeys...

It's like when someone thinks that Ireland is part of the UK... you don't like that they think that, but it doesn't mean you hate the UK.

The Gnome

monkeyfudge wrote:

Is the 'G' actually silent? Because I enjoy pronouncing it.

The beauty of the 'G' in the word 'Gnome' is in its flexibily. Among the numerous pronunciations are Gnome, Gnome and of course Gnome.

The Gnome

Hail 2 Da Chimp wrote:

Is monkeyfudge's hatred of chimps irrational?

Of course not. Without his hatred of the fact that people think chimps are monkeys his love of the very monkey itself would not seem so sweet.

Hail 2 Da Chimp

monkeyfudge wrote:

I only hate the fact that people think that chimps are monkeys...
.

Im so glad you said that

//Wells up

Now if you'll excuse me...

Dirk Gently

greetings wise Gnome,

my question is....why do bad things happen to good people?

The Gnome

clown bag wrote:

greetings wise Gnome,

my question is....why do bad things happen to good people?

And salutations to you my good Clownbag. I must admit you name amuses me each and everytime I see it. Mmm, yes.

Bad things things happen to good people for the very same reason that good things happen to bad people. It's basically because millions of years ago the ancestors of the Weasel made a vile pact with the forefathers of the Starling. From this pact comes all things ill, odd and unexplained.

Tori

Hi Gnome. Why is clown bag clown bag?

Dirk Gently

Tori wrote:

Hi Gnome. Why is clown bag clown bag?

there are somethings even the great wise Gnome can't answer.

Tori

Touché

Dirk Gently

great wise Gnome............
What is the meaning of life and how hot is the lovely Tori on a scale of 1 -10.

spacecoyote

Monsieur Le Gnome...

Can any lady ever say the word panties without it sounding dirty?

Scraggs

How many roads must a man walk before you can call him a man?

The Gnome

clown bag wrote:

great wise Gnome............
What is the meaning of life and how hot is the lovely Tori on a scale of 1 -10.

The meaning of Life is a harsh and unforgiving one.... but it is not mine to tell, that would be too easy. No, you must discover it yourself but when you do find out down come running to me with a face full of snot and tear. I told you so.

Tori is a 6.46.

spacecoyote wrote:

Monsieur Le Gnome...

Can any lady ever say the word panties without it sounding dirty?

You know the the answer as well as I do. No. I also find 'moist' often falls into the same category.

Scraggs wrote:

How many roads must a man walk before you can call him a man?

7.

Jules

oh great and wise gnome...

how would a person find their way into the heart of a gnome???

and also

can a man say the word erection, as in a building etc, with out thinking of his member and laughing to himself

The Gnome

jules80 wrote:

oh great and wise gnome...

how would a person find their way into the heart of a gnome???

and also

can a man say the word erection, as in a building etc, with out thinking of his member and laughing to himself

The easiest way to the heart of most Gnomes is through nonsensical poetry, for instance "The Jabberwock" as referenced in my signature. Other methods include vole tickling, removal of raisins from fruit muesli, albino polarbear hunting.

As to your second question, the answer is no. It would seem man has an inbuilt mechanism that activates once the word 'erection' is mentioned. Immediatly his brain checks his body for an erection and when none is found an instant release of tension results in amusement.

Scraggs

How can I get boys to like me?

The Gnome

Scraggs wrote:

How can I get boys to like me?

Two words my dear Scraggling: Neurolinguistic Programming.

Scraggs

Why is silence golden?

The Gnome

Scraggs wrote:

Why is silence golden?

Some things cannot be defined, they simply are.

spacecoyote

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood??

Scraggs

I see.

Why is love blind and deaf?

The Gnome

Scraggs wrote:

I see.

Why is love blind and deaf?

She was born that way I fear. Her mother had far too much mead during pregnancy.... or so the legend goes.

Scraggs

Why are there plenty more fish in the sea? What about stock depletion.. is it all lies?

The Gnome

Scraggs wrote:

Why are there plenty more fish in the sea? What about stock depletion.. is it all lies?

Finally you hint at a truth dearest Scraggs. But which is the lie and which is the truth? Will we one day find that all our 'cod' have been replaced by a southern imposter?

Only time will tell.

Scraggs

You speak much sense oh wiseone.

Why am I a walking cliché? Do clichés even walk?

The Gnome

Scraggs wrote:

You speak much sense oh wiseone.

Why am I a walking cliché? Do clichés even walk?

I'm afraid that spacecoyote is to blame for your current status. Clichés are devious creatures, they can talk, walk and use every deciept to enslave the listener.

spacecoyote

Am i to blame for all the wrongs committed in this world?

Scraggs

Why did I get up at 6.30am despite not having work til 2pm?

The Gnome

spacecoyote wrote:

Am i to blame for all the wrongs committed in this world?

No, just ones related to Scraggs.

Scraggs wrote:

Why did I get up at 6.30am despite not having work til 2pm?

See above.

Scraggs

Why is your thread more popular than Amps?

The Gnome

Scraggs wrote:

Why is your thread more popular than Amps?

'Tis a simple matter of time. His was started considerably later than mine.

6th

Have you ever had dealings with a Pipe Troll?

For those gnot in the gknow:

Pipe trolls are evil little shits quite literally. When you have been sitting for ages and you ass goes gnumb that is actually a pipe troll putting their magic pipe dust on your ass so he can crawl in and take up lodgings - in your pipe!

They gnumb ur ass so you dont feel them spreading ur cheeks with their very large (relatively) hands. They are well known for their smelly finger nails and trade the contents of under their nails as we would gold.

High ranking pipe trolls are identifiable by their large shit layden eyebrows. Large eyebrows are seen as godlike and are compareable to mens fasinations with their penis.

The Gnome

6th wrote:

Have you ever had dealings with a Pipe Troll?:

I can can safely say that I haven't. Trolls and Gnomes don't really get on well together and Pipe Trolls don't get on with anyone (Except each other. Repeatedly.) Though they are not despised like Dwarves and others of the Starling no reputable Gnome will deal with one openly unless it is of benefit to others.

6th

Should we put a silent "G" before any word starting with a "n" or words like "know"?