Want to be a better person

oceansize

Hello,

THis is weird but for a while now i've wanted to change. When i'm with friends and stuff i'm very brash, i make fun of people and always try to make up for stuff by being funny, which most of the time comes across as ignorant. I have good intentions but it just comes out like that. I don't do things for people and am quite lazy and it's having an effect on me.

I want everyone i know to know that i'm actually a nice person. When i'm alone i get very lonely and things that happen to people upset me etc, but i never show it. How can i change?

Black Swan

Acknowledging a need to change, then asking about it are real positives. Of course, now you have to act upon it if change is to occur.

Looking at myself in the mirror, when I wanted to change, I came to the realisation that I should pick just one thing and work on it, rather than trying to do it all at one time. After someone threatened me, I decided that I needed to better develop my fighting skills. Rather than try to develop several kicks, blocks, and punches all at one time, I picked the reverse spin kick and worked on it until it became one of the fastest and most powerful kicks that I could use. Then I focused on another kick, until mastered, before adding another and another.

I think you need to pick just one thing to improve. I obviously don't know who you are, but we can all improve our listening skills (me included:D ). Perhaps to learn to listen better to others more than talk yourself? Grand listening skills seems to really improve relationships. People love a good listener! Just a thought.

oceansize

Blue Lagoon, very good. I have noticed that i tend to dominate most conversations with people, apart from my own friends, who are all obnoxious as well. The coupla of girls i did actually listen to, liked me more and i've been in relationships with them. But then i took the P*ss out of them in front of my friends and stuff.

But if i listen more, won't women think that i'm shy, i thought women like a really outgoing guy?

Zombrex

oceansize wrote:

When i'm with friends and stuff i'm very brash, i make fun of people and always try to make up for stuff by being funny, which most of the time comes across as ignorant. I have good intentions but it just comes out like that. I don't do things for people and am quite lazy and it's having an effect on me.
...
How can i change?

Stop acting like that. Seems the obvious answer ...

spurious

Women like a guy who can make them laugh.
Not make them laugh by making fun of other people though, because if you do that women ask themselves 'is he slagging me off when I'm not around?'

If you must make fun of someone, make remarks about yourself. Self-deprecating humour is often very attractive.

Do things for other people. Keep your word. If you say you will do something, do it. That alone will mark you out as different in today's world.

DonkeyStyle \o/

oceansize wrote:

which most of the time comes across as ignorant. I have good intentions but it just comes out like that.

If you're always putting your foot in it, then I think you need to slow down... hear yourself saying it in your head first... imagine what you'd think if someone else in the room said it, or if it was said to you... run it through the check list and give it the mental green light before delivery... think of alternatives, don't accept the first offer... and when in doubt, just stay quiet and observe.

It can be hard to change how you interact with certain people when you've gotten used to being the person you are when you're around them... I know I was a completely different person around one set of friends than I was with another, and when the groups were mixed I didn't know who to be. :eek:
And I never realized I was like that until it happened.
So you be the person you think it's safe to be, what the other person is expecting, what works, what's comfortable, because it's easier.
Breaking new ground with people can be awkward, but everyones human and has the same unseen depths that you'd probably be embaressed to show if you're used to things being more superficial.

If you feel pressured to rip the píss out of people you like by another group of your friends, then you later feel bad about it... maybe you've just outgrown them? ... or as I wondered before, if that's just the person you feel you need to be around them.

Beruthiel

Read.
Start with something by the Dali Lama, find some books on Buddhist philosophy.
Read enough of those type of books and really take them to heart, eventually something will rub off.

Changing yourself does not happen over night, it takes thoughtful dedication.
It can be done though.

Miguel_Sanchez

oceansize wrote:

I have noticed that i tend to dominate most conversations with people, apart from my own friends, who are all obnoxious as well. The coupla of girls i did actually listen to, liked me more and i've been in relationships with them. But then i took the P*ss out of them in front of my friends and stuff.

But if i listen more, won't women think that i'm shy, i thought women like a really outgoing guy?

Just because you listen to what a girl is saying won't make her think you're shy. You will come across as interested in her and what she is saying.

You say your friends are all obnoxious? If you want to change then maybe you should spend less time with your obnoxious friends and more time with other friends? If you're hanging around with a bunch of guys who are constantly slagging everyone off then it's going to be hard for you to stop doing it yourself.

Marksie

oceansize wrote:

I have noticed that i tend to dominate most conversations with people, apart from my own friends, who are all obnoxious as well.

1) listening and being attentive is not the sign of a shy guy it the sign of someone who can interrelate with others. Even if you are Bursting to dominate the conversation, if you want it to be more than once, then you have plenty of time to talk.

2) If you think your friends are obnoxious why are you with them?.

3) How would it feel for you if someone successfully breach you "lip" and ripped the piss out of you in front of people you don't know, and perhaps they started on you as well. Lets work on the assumption that you guard has been breached and you have as sore throat so you can't answer. Try putting yourself in that posiotion next time you have a girlfiend with your friends.

oceansize

Thanks lads, They aren't obnoxious, i mean they are similar to me, we can have a laugh and stuff, but when they're with girls they are nicer you know?

I'm gonna try the listening approach, it's not like i'll be faking or anything, i really want to do it but i get carried away. I'll let you know how i get on

LegacyUser

Read the Bible, go to Mass, become a daily communicant, join the Legion of Mary and Opus Dei, visit the Holy Land and the Vatican.

For the next 50 years - changing yourself does not happen over night, it takes thoughtful dedication. It can be done though.

greenteaicedtea

maybe try visualizing - imagine to yourself a conversation, how it would go the way you would like it to happen. Then in real life, you might find yourself more likely to say something along the lines of what you meant to say, instead of what you blurt out impulsively.

Black Swan

oceansize wrote:

Blue Lagoon, very good. I have noticed that i tend to dominate most conversations with people...

But if i listen more, won't women think that i'm shy, i thought women like a really outgoing guy?

But you still can be outgoing, but get them to talk more by tossing in a comment that keeps them going. "Oh, really, can you tell me more?" Give them a lot of eye contact, too, while you do this. Show interest, and if it's really genuine, then they will want to be with you more often.;)

Kell

oceansize wrote:

How can i change?

Learn how to shut up. Most people talk shíte constantly usually due to some lack of confidence that makes them ucomfortable to be around people and be quiet.

Learn to listen to people more. If you have nothing positive to contribute to a discussion, keep schtum.

When people discover that you have another side to being just a loud mouth, they might actually talk to you or have a genuine interest in you. Or sit with you in very comfortable silence. Never thought I would say this, but comfortable silence where you just "get people" rocks.

K-

Bodhidharma

"Empty vessels make the most noise" - Thats what i think when i hear loud, obnoxious people.

Deciding to change is indeed the 1st step. People say its difficult to change, its not. Its difficult to decide to change.

I think if your a thoughtful sort of guy you would benefit from reading some books on psychology, philosophy or Buddhism. You could get to know the real you.

Or you could just stop doing it.

John Mason

blah blah blah ****ing blah get over yourself and stop whining about it would be a start

Nevyn

oh you are so banned.

Tar.Aldarion

Thaedydal wrote:

oh you are so banned.

Better than your usual banning message.


Op, Think before you speak, basically, you want to change, so do.
Maybe get a friend or two that don't condone acting like that.