Supporting a friend

LegacyUser

Hi,
Just wondering if anyone has found themselves in a simial situation and can offer some insight.
One of my friends is divorced several years. She is very attractive and outgoing, and yet hasn't had a boyfriend or date in this time. Myself and my other friends who'd possibly be deemed less attractive, tho outgoing non the less, have had short term relationships and dates within the same period.
Lately, this situation has become unbearable for her. She despairs of ever meeting anybody, and despite the fact she gets plenty of male attention, and "one night stand" offers, no one ever asks for her number, or if they do they fail to use it.
Myself, I can't understand why shes single, she's a funny, caring, gorgeous girl.
She meets plenty of people through her job and socially, yet no one has shown any romantic interest. She's getting very down about this and has started to become somewhat bitter and resentful of her friends with partners. This in turn is making it awrkward to be around her, as we've started to become a bit tired of the barbed remarks, despite knowing htat they stem from unhappiness.
We all make an effort to include her in plans. There is always someone available to socialise with her, and the "boyfriends" are never included on our nights out.
Just on a side note, she does have a tendency to dominate where we go.
How do you help bring someone out of themselves ?
We;ve suggested speed-dating and internet sites, night classes and the like, but she's scorned all these suggestions(must add we're more than happy to go with her, and are fast running out of suggestions).
Any help would be much appreciated.

DubNside

My first thought is that maybe she is trying to hard, generally people can pick up on desparation!

Failing that, she has to ask what she is looking for and maybe she just goes for the wrong kinda guy.

Casual introductions could be the way to go for her?

newestUser

I think this is one for the ladies to answer tbh, as a bloke I'm not really qualified to answer. And as someone who's been single for 2+ years, I'm definitely not qualified to answer.

Maybe she's just too picky. I know girls who are convinced that there's no quality men out there, and it's impossible to meet someone. I know girls who believe it's incredibly easy to meet men through pubs/clubs/etc. and sure don't you have to kiss a lot of frogs to meet your prince?

I think this is her problem, not yours. It's up to her to figure out how to meet someone. It's not your responsibility to facilitate this and if she's being a bit of a bitch to ye because you're coupled up, that's not very copped on of her.

Sleepy

Sounds like the women you see that regard Bridget Jones as a bit of a rolemodel, harping on about how men are all complete bastards whilst being a bit of an emotional fvckwit herself?

Edit: Is she particularly bitter about her divorce? I know some women like that myself (including my own mother) and to be honest it's a trait that would put me straight off someone.

AngryBadger

DubNside wrote:

My first thought is that maybe she is trying to hard, generally people can pick up on desparation!

That's pretty much my first reaction too. When people really want a relationship, they put out a desperate vibe that's really off-putting. I went through an extended period of it myself. You thinka relationship will sort out your problems, but it really just distracts from them.

I suspect your friend is still trying to deal with her divorce and not very well at that. Consequently she's reaching out for a relationship as a means to fill that void.

I don't mean this as a bitchy criticism, you also mentioned that she can be kind of dominating when you head out. This makes me think she could be the kind of person who refuses to address emotional problems sufficiently, instead choosing to turn away from them because she feels addressing them is indulging them, and a form of weakness. When in reality the problem takes root when it's not picked apart, and becomes much worse in the long term.

If I'm right your friend isn't going to find a relationship that will work until she sorts her own head out first.

Beruthiel

afriendin_need wrote:

She's getting very down about this and has started to become somewhat bitter and resentful of her friends with partners. This in turn is making it awrkward to be around her, as we've started to become a bit tired of the barbed remarks, despite knowing htat they stem from unhappiness.

Have you told her that?
First off, she needs to look inwards.
Other people can spot bitterness and desperation from miles away, no matter how good you think you are hiding it.
She needs to learn to be happy, confident and content in herself, she's clearly not, so why would anyone want to be with her under those circumstances?
It's a catch 22 situation I'm afraid. Nothing you can do for her, she needs to do this herself.

DubNside

newestUser wrote:

Maybe she's just too picky. I know girls who are convinced that there's no quality men out there, and it's impossible to meet someone.

You have a good point there, I have heard or overheard women saying the same thing, "Oh theres no good men out there" but yet they let them pass right under there noses...

Maybe she has not taken the time to discover what she really wants and how to spot it when its right in front of her eyes.

How old is this friend?

LegacyUser

To answer a few of your questions.
The divorce was amicable and they are on good terms, but ultimately it was her desicion. So I am sure there is no biterness in regard to that.
She is 36.
I'm not sure the desperation vibe thing is true. She's not "desperate", but she is picky to an extent.
I havne't discusses the bitchy remarks with her as she can be extremely defensive when confronted, and to be honest, I think that would aggrivate rather than help the situation, I for one, tho annoyed by it can let it slide.

Black Swan

Is there anything she really enjoys doing? Theatre, film, reading, creative writing, hiking, sailing, swimming, horseback riding, whatever? Try to convince her to join a group of people who enjoy the same thing. Then, before she attends that first get together, chat with her about chilling out and letting nature take its course.

the_syco

Just a thought: ask her does she compare every man she meets to her ex? She may want a "better catch", thus doesn't go with anyone that looks like her ex, as such.