Duck Jokes.

Capt'n Midnight

Q: At what time does a duck wake up?
A: At the quack of dawn.

Duck walks into a chemists and asks for some chapstick.
Clerk says will that be cash or charge?
Duck says "Just put in on my bill!"

What's the difference between a duck?
One of its legs are both the same!

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman
"Has my brother been in here"
The barman says "What does he look like ?"



A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"




A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f**king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**d of a f**king bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?



A duck walks into a pub
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"!
"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him: "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call, he could earn thousands"
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says,"Hey Mr Duck I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right" replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?"
"That's right!" says the landlord
The duck looks confused. "What the hell do they want with a plasterer?"


How do you turn a duck in to a soul singer ? answer , Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers !

duck goes to a pharmacy, looking for condoms. Clerk rings 'em up and says,
"Put them on your bill?" Duck says, "What do you think I am, some kind of
pervert?"


What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?
Occasionally a duck will stick its bill up its ass.



A woman walks into the bar with a duck on a leash. The bartender says, “ Where’d you get the pig?” The woman says, “ This is not a pig. It’s a duck.” The bartender says, “I was talking to the duck.”



A duck walks into a bar. Several rounds later he looks up to the bartender and says "I'm gonna be in big trouble with the Missus when I get home." " I told her I was going to the doctor after work." The bartender says "Just make up some disease and tell her that's what the doc says you have." So the duck walks home, trying to think up a convincing disease. Passing a music store he sees a book "Studies in Syncopation". The duck decides to tell his wife he has syncopation. He finally reaches home and his wife asks where he has been. "Went to the doc" he says. "I've got syncopation." Mrs. Duck has never heard of syncopation so she goes to the dictionary. "Syncopation: Irregular movement from bar to bar."

"Knock knock".
"Who's there?"
"Omar, the interuupting duck."
"Omar the inter..." "QUACK!"


A duck walks into a bar and starts hopping and jumping, trying to see over the top to order a beer. Finally, the duck give up "Damn," he sais, "they told me afirmative action was going to lower the bar."

biko

Two Ballymena ducks swimming along the river, one says 'Quack, quack', the other one says 'I'm goin as quack as a can...!'

challengemaster

ducks

Kojak

Duck jokes - brilliant. :rolleyes: