Lawyer Jokes

Capt'n Midnight

There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.

Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor.

The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.

It was so cold one February day in Aberdeen that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!

What's the difference between a dead lawyer on a street and a dead dog on the street?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What's black and brown and look great on lawyers?
Dobermans

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Why does the American Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and their clients?
To prevent the client for being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

Why do they bury lawyers 27 feet under?
'Cuz deep, deep down, they're good people!

What's the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.

Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey had first pick.

How can you tell when a lawyer is well hung?
When you can't get your finger between the noose and his neck.

What the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
The prostitute quits after you're dead!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
Their lips move.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off it's head



What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?
Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer


At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, Did you know that in our lab we have switched from rats to lawyers for our experiments?
Really? the other replied, Why did you switch?
Well,:
1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted.
2. Lawyers breed faster.
3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4. There are some things even a rat won't do.
However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day:
My name is Billy. What's yours? asked the first boy.
Tommy, replied the second.
My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do? asked Billy.
Tommy replied, My Daddy's a lawyer.
Honest? asked Billy.
No, just the regular kind, replied Tommy.

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day?
Tim stood up and proudly said, She's a doctor.
That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.
Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?
Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. Only a shilling? said the Justice, Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them.

Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick skinned, short-sighted, and always ready to charge.
David Mellor, British Conservative politician.

No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
Jean Giradoux

challengemaster

excellent. got a good laugh from me

jobonar

Very Good!

It wasn't me!

What's the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.

I laughed.