The "Break"

LegacyUser

I have been going out with girlfriend for over a year now.We get on really well and things are going pretty well.We are both eighteen.

Recently on a night out she seemed really off and I knew something was wrong.I had to keep pestering her till she finally told me what was wrong.

She had been talking to people that night who we hadn't seen in a while.They were say ing stuff like"Wow I can't believe ye are going out a year"She freaked out entirely.We kinda drifted apart the week after that.We were not textng much and weren't speaking.I rang her last thursday and we were being really bitchy to eachother.

We eventually got talking about what was wrong between us.She felt that we had drifted apart during the week.She wanted to take a break(Her definition:We still be with eachother but that we could be with other people for an indefinite period of time.)She said that a voice in her head was saying "You are 18!How canyou be with only one lad?You are too young?

Tbh,It never occured to me to break up with her and i never had any doubts.However I could understand her point about us being too young.I was willing for us to try it(I dont think I could have been with another even if if she went with other lads.I honestly am only attracted to her.)She told me I was brilliant for being so thoughtful and that"I really am yours","You are the only person I could see myself actually going out with"Then she told me she loved me and didnt want to be with any lad apart from me.She was away in Spain recently and I think that she felt she was missing out on being single.

We were talking yesterday and she said the voice in her head is still at her about being too young but it didn't matter because she loved me.It really has been breaking my heart and before I met this girl,I thought love was a made up thing.I dont want to hold her back from being with other people but my world would be shattered if she was with another lad.I think about this all the time.

Should I just let her go and hope that she comes back to me in the future?Is that the only way of getting this thing out of her head?Is this common for girls?

Any advice/criticism/questions would be appreciated.

Sorry about the length.

Dermington

Your both 18...welcome to the wonderful world of relationships.

At least one of you is guaranteed to freak out at least once.

sprinkles

As you said, you're only 18. She has a point. imo it's very young to be getting into a serious relationship (I learned the hard way). Give her some space and time and she may realise that what she has is better than the single life.

If she is intent on being with other people then I think you have to let her go and move on. Otherwise your just going to end up being hurt alot more than you need to be.

The annoying thing is if you had both been 26 then you wouldn't be having this problem. Life can be cruel sometimes.

*Oul_Doll_Cork*

I do think 18 is too young to be getting serious! I also learned the hard way! Don't stay in a relationship with this girl if she thinks that seeing other people is ok... it will only drive you mad at the end of the day! If I were you I would get out and move on, you never know, sometime down the line you two might get back together! Good Luck!

MojoMaker

Hate to break it to you but she wants to f*ck someone else and doesn't want to feel guilty about it. If you've given your 'permission' (how f*cked up is that?) then she won't feel so bad.

Move around, see her now and again, see others at the same time, and have a look at all this again in about 3 months (which is about 5yrs later for an 18yr old). It may not look so bad.

Fanny Cradock

sprinkles wrote:

The annoying thing is if you had both been 26 then you wouldn't be having this problem. Life can be cruel sometimes.

This generalisation is untrue - age has nothing to do with it.

There have been many threads by people in their mid - late twenties who were going through the same "break" nonsence.

Of course it may all work out and things will be back on track after a time. But in reality, I'd have to agree with what MojoMaker was saying; this is just a prelude to a real breakup.

Peyton Manning

Im actually a bit creeped out at how similar this problem is to what Ive been going through up until recently. Mine is the exact same, only its a long distance relationship (Belfast - Kilkenny). Dont go on a break though, just ease off of her for a while and give her space. You let her go once and you could lose her forever.

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

We have been talking since.She says it was only a phase.She told me last night that she could see us getting married(in the distant future)Surprisingly I was not freaked out.But she reckons that if we just go out like this together for ages,One of us will get bored if we do go on to get married.I know ye prob think im too immature to realistically imagining my self marrying her in the future.I just see it as a distinct possibility.

CaptainSmith

Vry true, it doesn't work for the majority... often it can make it more difficult to get back together later on if you wish to

Black Swan

Ease off, give her space, but don't break.

jimmycrackcorm

OP - ask yourself this... does anybody ever end up for life married to the person they were going out with when they were 18? Hence can you accept that it is totally unlikely that you will ever be any different...?

So it's not going to be her.

dooloo

dont just break up with the girl cos everyone says you won't get married to the same girl you were with since you were 18. that's rubbish. just give her a little space and try not get too freaked out over it

LegacyUser

Furthermore to my first post.We got on ok after that for a month.Yet again,the topic reared its ugly head.

We are not unfortunately on the break.I feel so childish being on terms with someone.Its seems so pathetic.

Her view point is that this will help our relationship in the long run.ie we just end up regretting we were going out with eachother so seriously for so long.She said that even though we are "on terms", it would be unlikely that she would be with anyone else.However she is starting college in september and that will prob where things go down hill.She says the only person she wants to sleep with is me.(we have not slept together)

I thought we were close again till she announced that she felt we needed to go "on terms"(hate those fcuking words).Told me she still loves me.That she only thinks of settling down with me.

I dont know what Im looking for advice wise really.Somebody with previous experience.Im kinda down over it this morning.

#15

i think you need to make a decision.
break up with her now and suffer some short term pain.
OR.
continue to stay 'on terms', which you are unhappy with.

consider if you can cope with the thought of her being with other people in college, while ye are still 'together'.

tbh, i think she is being unfair to you.

she likes the security you give her but yet doesn't want to commit fully.

some people are ok with being 'on terms'. i dont think you are one of those people.

im not either. if it was me, it would be all or nothing. buts that just me.

you need to go with your gut feeling.

ask yourself if its worth staying like this in the hope that she will one day commit to you?

whatever you decide, i wish you the best of luck.

and remember, things will work out for the best in the end.

there could be another girl waiting for you just around the corner.

Anti

yore young, take what comes and enjoy it, as in years to come you will look back and laugh.

LegacyUser

She sent me this message just there.

"name" my hunny bunny i just want to im ttruly soooo sorry for hurting yo last night,thats the last thingthing I wanted to do because you are so special to me and you are a totally amazing lad and from bottom of my heart i have to say i have never been with anyonethats near as sound and cute and perfect as you:)

She really does believe that this is for the best.That we will only suffocate eachother if we stay in a relationship.She says she does not want to hold me back from travelling next year.

I'm angry at a number of things.This happens just before she goes to college.I sent the whole of last year faithful to her.Rejected girls because I had a girlfriend.I feel stupid for doing this now.

Is being on terms something mature people do?

LegacyUser

Sleepless imo, I think this girl is trying to break up and doesnt have the courage to do so.

I want a break and we are so much in love that we suffocate each other is nonsense -- Just read the last line slowly, you'll see its not logical its pure Bull and she is taking the piss.

IMO what I would do if I was you is
Say I've had enough of this break rubbish and that she is wreaking your head and dump her, you will be better of in the end without this girl
I know you dont want to but you are missing out on other girls as you put it, and she is just keeping you in limbo and not being fair to you.
Give her her cards!, while it will hurt to do so, you will look back and be glad in time, plus you'll respect yourself more for not being her little lap dog, go have fun

Good luck with what you decide

#15

no, you were right to reject them at the time if you had a girlfriend. its part of being in a relationship. just a risk that everyone takes.

you need to tell her how hurt you are, and that you are probably not well suited if she thinks its ok for you to be this hurt.

have you told her how much its affecting you?

Colm_OReilly

Sleepless,

I'm angry at a number of things.This happens just before she goes to college.I sent the whole of last year faithful to her.Rejected girls because I had a girlfriend.I feel stupid for doing this now.

There's no point beating yourself up over this. You did what you thought was best at the time, knowing what you knew at the time. Feeling angry or frustrated at the past never does anyone any good.

Is being on terms something mature people do?

If I could recommend something? Don't worry about being mature or anything else. If you try to fit your actions into some outside idea of what you "should" be you're not being true to yourself.

It sounds to me like there's a lot of fear controlling your decisions and actions - both of yours. She feels the fear of missing out on life, you feel the fear of losing her.

There's a theory that there's two emotions - Love and Fear. When you do things from fear it leads to pain, and from love, no matter what the outcome, you'll feel better because you acted from the right place.


Her moods and feelings change rapidly, and trying to pin them down is like trying to pin down the wind or rain. (Credit David Deida for that analogy).

Like some other posters have said - accepting her is a better way to move forward. Once you've accepted her behaviour you can decide if her life fits in with yours or not, and move on from there.

We each have to walk our own path, and although we may want other people on it at certain times, if it's not their time to walk the path, so be it.

Hope this helps,
Colm