Am I shallow because I put looks first?

LegacyUser

I was reading this thread: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2054965316 on "What do you look for in a Partner" and I was amazed at how few people mentioned looks or had appearance way down their list of priorities. For me, looks is first on the list of priorities when looking for a girlfriend. Its not 90% or anything, but it is very important. I know loads of people are screaming, "its whats on the inside that counts", and yes of course, but generally in my opinion, how you look on the outside really impacts on what you are like on the inside, and its the conbination that I am attracted to...

Personally I think I can tell quite a lot about a person just from looking at them, before talking to them. The eyes are the windows to the soul after all. Some guys say the more plain looking girls are way more sound, and the beautiful girls are b1tches etc. (Obviously there are a lot of 'up their own arse' beautiful girls, but everyone should just stay away from them anyway, asking for trouble). I don't think so, I think pretty girls have much more life to them. You'll generally find that unattractive girls lack that certain confidence and spark. Basically, I'm a likeable guy and I get on with almost everyone. I like most people and get on well with most girls. Some more than others obviously but generally I'm not hugely picky on specific personality types.

You see I'm quite small and skinny, so I just wouldn't be with a girl who is overweight. We would just look stupid. Perhaps if you are 6'2 and 15 stone you can get away with it but I can't. I like girls that take good care of themselves and take pride in their appearance. Good fashion sence and style. (just not caked in makeup). I think that such girls have certain personality traits and simularities, and its that combination that I look for. A girl who has that, the inner confidence and spark along with outer beauty, is what I am truely attracted to and am looking for.

I just don't understand how anyone could go out with someone that they are not attracted to, but some people say that looks are just not important to them. For guys at least sex is a physical thing and physical attraction is needed. Sex is very important, but I could not sleep with someone I didn't find physically attractive.

So do you think this makes me Shallow - or do you understand my point? I'm sue many people are going to want to slate me for this but surely there are other who feel the same.

Sony

Think you might get slated for one or two things you said just now but I dont blame anyone for needing to be attracted to someone physically before wanting to be with them

But ultimately personality IS the most important thing about a potential partner, Im sure you know this already though

theTinker

I dont think you are shallow at all if thats the way u think.

Im a pretty normal person i think, and i think its completely normal that i would never sleep with sum1 i didnt find phyiscally attractive(unless im pissed really bad).
to me i think one of the best parts of having a girlfirend is that u get to touch this person which just melts ur bones in a second. Of course i would never go out with sum1 that annoyed the hell out of me regardless of looks.

Bad sex life usually means a short relationship(imo) and for me part of a great sex life is being phyiscally attracted to sum1. I dont see anything wrong with wanting a great sex life and this is an ingredient for me.

long term its not the most important thing by far but without tat "raw" attraction, she just doesnt interest me as anything more than a friend.

btw most people on the list that are guys i would bet just assumed physical attraction was meant too(i know i did)

LegacyUser

i agree to a certain extent what you're saying.

for me, looks are v important. i will not go out with a girl, no matter how sound, bubbly etc she is, if she's unatractive/overweight.

i'm a prety good lookin guy myself, and i'm in great shape, i eat well and work out, so i'd obviously be lookin for somone in my league.

that said, personality is also very important. my last gf was stunning, and lovelly, but there was just somthing missing.

if i had to choose between a super model who was dull, and an above adverage girl, who made me laugh and challenged me, i'd go for the model everytime

kidding, i'd go for the above adverage lookin girl over the dull model

LegacyUser

I agree with the OP & SpanishFrank. It's the combo of looks and personality that does it. When I was young I'm afraid to say I was more inclined to favour looks, but now as I'm getting older personality is absolutely the number 1 priority

bassist

yes your shallow, but do you care when your shagging a hot looking piece of meat.

LegacyUser

U can't roide personality ...

projectmayhem

you need to be attracted to someone to have a relationship, so looks are important... however, once you get past the looks, the "other half" must have personality and what not...

remember in a pub/club/whatever, you're not instantly attracted to someones sense of humour, because you will not have spoken to them. the first thing you notice is how good they look

greenteaicedtea

You can't generalize, and have little rules, "plain girls are more sound" you have to judge each individual person on how they act over a period of time.

But I would say I find some truth with that, "pretty girls have more life to them" but let me expand it to say that confident, stable people in general, seem more attractive. That confidence filters down to them respecting themselves, caring about their appearance, and being considerate towards other people.

Black Swan

thelittlemonkey wrote:

For me, looks is first on the list of priorities when looking for a girlfriend.

Sure, physical attraction is important, but if this is your first priority, then what happens when a girl ages and loses some of that physical attraction? Do you go to the "car" lot, trade her in, and get a new one?

I feel for my species. Have you ever heard an old Karen Carpenter (of the Carpenter's) song with the lyrics, "We've only just begun... to live..." She was a beautiful girl (by many males estimates), with a beautiful voice (gold records), but she starved herself to death to stay that way.

Dermington

NortSoide wrote:

U can't roide personality ...

Yeah but you can ride yore ma!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Everyone takes looks into account. Whether consciously or subconsciously they do. Personally I find it extremely hard to be attracted to a woman iwho is not at least some bit physically attractive. Thats not being shallow...thats being human.
Personality is what would decide whether or not I want to stay with a woman or not. No matter how good looking they are if they are as dumb as a stick then long term its a waste of time.

dr.bollocko

You are asking if you are shallow for saying u wont go out with women you arent attracted to?

U want to know if the world has a problem with you not going out with women you arent attracted to you?
See???? see?? Look what has happened MAN in the modern world? We are so confused about issues we dont even know if the most basic decisions are ok now. Is it ok to say I only go out with women I find hot? YES! If anyone says no, they are part of the problem.

COSMO MAGAZINE THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!!!!!
Reclaim your manhood, date who you want shall be the whole of the law.

As it always was.

Pigman II

dr.bollocko wrote:

COSMO MAGAZINE THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!!!!!

It's not their fault. It's the fault of simpleminded people who can't think for themselves and let these others dictate who they will be and how they act.

Personally I'm a manly kind of man and I don't change my ways to suit a partner or to fit into society in general. There's no point because how to act today will be unfashionable tomorrow. It's a pendulum. You can only be true to yourself and act how feels right for you. If it's not the 'in' thing then too bad.

Thankfully the metrosexual (as typified by the reprehensible tv show 'Friends') is a dying breed and being manly is slowly coming back in (hopefully it doesn't go to the other extreme of laddism which was just pathetic) so I might be socially acceptable again .... for a while.

Oh an OP , no you're not shallow imho.

Cake Fiend

If physical attraction wasn't important, we'd all be casually bisexual.

free2fly

No OP you are not shallow. Physical attraction is extremely important to a lasting relationship. And I know this from experience. I am recently out of a very long term relationship. My partner and I lost our feelings of attraction for each other but stayed together in spite of it. It ended up in many years of loneliness and frustration. I, personally, will never attempt a relationship again with a person that I am not physically attracted to and vice versa.

Dragan

thelittlemonkey wrote:

I was reading this thread: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2054965316 on "What do you look for in a Partner" and I was amazed at how few people mentioned looks or had appearance way down their list of priorities.

I posted in the thread and will explain why i never said looks were important. For me to consider someone as a possible girlfriend then that goes hand in hand with me being physically attracted to her.

The question was not, "What do you look for in a one night stand" in which case i would say "good body, nice face etc etc etc".

The fact that question was about girlfriend makes a degree of physical attract pretty much a pre-requisite, so it is not really an issue to discuss it.

And no, i don't think your shallow. I have never know anyone to go out with someone they are not attracted to, not at first anyway.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

I've been out with some very attractive women, but only for very short periods of time. They tended to get boring and repetitive. They wanted to do the same things in the sme places with the same people and it just gets too damn repeditive. There ws no ceativity and spontaneity and there's no way I can go out with a woman no matter how great she looks if she can't take a mad chance every once in a while. I wouldn't turn down a shag now, don't get me wrong, but is that really all you want?

There tends to be an unnatural balance. If a women is spending that much time and effort on her looks, you have to wonder. But ask yourself this: how many beautiful women do you know would be just as comfortable in a pair of 5 euro jeans an no make up?

OP - You come across as more limited than shallow.

theTinker

dr.bollocko wrote:

U want to know if the world has a problem with you not going out with women you arent attracted to you?
See???? see?? Look what has happened MAN in the modern world? We are so confused about issues we dont even know if the most basic decisions are ok now. Is it ok to say I only go out with women I find hot? YES!
.

i think you bring u some very interesting points. i do believe some things like this have gotten out of hand. something so basic to be confused about is a poor sign of times i think.(unless ur ugly as **** LOL)

Jack B. Badd

thelittlemonkey wrote:

I know loads of people are screaming, "its whats on the inside that counts"

:rolleyes:
Aren't people wonderfully politically correct these days?

Gordon

Well, I think it is the inside that counts (and I'm not making sexual innuendo) but you have to be physically attracted to someone.

However, if all you have is physical attraction things can get pretty boring pretty fast.

CathyMoran

When I was younger looks were far more important to me...then I met someone who was not that attractive looking to me (though he was wonderful in every other way), at that stage in my life I chose not to date him but I have regretted it for several years...two years later I ended up dating someone who looked exactly like him and he ended up being my first real love. My long term on/off partner is very good looking but I found that I fell in love with him because of who he is, not for what he looks like. I would not disregard someone just because they are good looking but if they do not have the intelligence and wit to match then I would not even consider them. The one shallow exception that I make is that I would not date someone shorter than about 5ft 8in (am 5ft 2in myself), most of my ex's have hit the 6ft + mark.

StephenC_IRL

few people mention looks when it comes to things they want. but they are only saing that to not seem shallow, i know some gouys with fantastic personalities who are interesting but girls pass them up in favour of total ass holes who just want to feel them up and have no substance whatsoever.

Marksie

CathyMoran wrote:

The one shallow exception that I make is that I would not date someone shorter than about 5ft 8in (am 5ft 2in myself), most of my ex's have hit the 6ft + mark.

damn i'm 5'73/4 " lol

LadyJ

I think it would be shallow to go out with someone just because they are goodlooking but I don't think it's shallow to have to find a person physically attractive if you are going to date them.

I mean,it's important to have a partner who turns you on and good looks are a positive thing in that case. However,when you get to know someone,there is so much more about them that you start to find attractive.

Why sleep with someone that isn't physically attractive to you? You'd end up getting bored. Just like you'd get bored if you slept with someone who was hot and had no personality!

Balance is the key people!

dahooligan

thelittlemonkey wrote:

So do you think this makes me Shallow - or do you understand my point? I'm sure many people are going to want to slate me for this but surely there are other who feel the same.

Looks are important, you should be attracted to your parthner, BUT, yes, I do think you are shallow if it is your main priority!

LegacyUser

I agree that looks do have a high priority in relationship. Looks are what attracts us first and what we look at in a person who's personality we like. You are not rare type of person my friend. Being shallow is life, life is not good.
As for good looking women, I find Irish women are not attractive at all and Im surprised Irish men are even slightly happy. Irish men would find it difficult to score in other coutries in my opinion. People here should be used to being not found attractive because generally british isles are over weight and ugly, maybe that why people here are so shallow.

dahooligan

polskokur** wrote:

I agree that looks do have a high priority in relationship. Looks are what attracts us first and what we look at in a person who's personality we like. You are not rare type of person my friend. Being shallow is life, life is not good.
As for good looking women, I find Irish women are not attractive at all and Im surprised Irish men are even slightly happy. Irish men would find it difficult to score in other coutries in my opinion. People here should be used to being not found attractive because generally british isles are over weight and ugly, maybe that why people here are so shallow.

:rolleyes: Troll?

Spaniela

Looks are important because someone can have the personality of the year, but if your dating them lets face it you have to f*%k them....and so the attraction must be present.

I do believe attraction comes in a number of different guises. Sometimes it is instant raw attraction, others times it comes from a long term friendship that grows.

No-one can be judged solely on looks because if I would rather have a stick pins in my eyes than have a conversation with Mr Attractive then I would rather turn celebate.

I dont know if I am making sense, but my general gist is that it is no one thing that makes someone attractive to anothe. Its the combination of many things in varying amounts, shaken, stirred, blended, (depending on taste), with a little bit of chemistry on top!

Dragan

polskokur** wrote:

As for good looking women, I find Irish women are not attractive at all and Im surprised Irish men are even slightly happy. Irish men would find it difficult to score in other coutries in my opinion.

Lucky for you that one of two female Polish came over too eh??? I know i'm happy about it.

Now then, as for your stupid comment, i don't agree. Generally speaking when Irish people, men or women go abroad we do quite well for ourselves. Especially countries like the States, Canada, Australia, Germany, France etc.

We are seen as being up for a laugh and not taking ourself too seriously and at the end of the day were IRISH!!!

Didn't you know the whole world wants to be Irish? Or at least live here from what i can see!!!!:D

Back to the OP, i still say your fine my friend. It's when you judge someone PURELY on there looks that you need to rethink things.:)

LegacyUser

Dragan wrote:

Lucky for you that one of two female Polish came over too eh??? I know i'm happy about it.

Now then, as for your stupid comment, i don't agree. Generally speaking when Irish people, men or women go abroad we do quite well for ourselves. Especially countries like the States, Canada, Australia, Germany, France etc.

We are seen as being up for a laugh and not taking ourself too seriously and at the end of the day were IRISH!!!

Didn't you know the whole world wants to be Irish? Or at least live here from what i can see!!!!:D

Back to the OP, i still say your fine my friend. It's when you judge someone PURELY on there looks that you need to rethink things.:)

People want to be Irish? People want to make money here that's it. People here are so rude, unnattractive, but to make it worse with the attitude you have. I liked Ireland until I came here. I have been to the USA and a lot of polish are there too you know. I've been to France, they are similar to the Irish( not very attractive, big framed and very arrogant). Canada is a nice place but not many Irish there.
Travel a bit my friend, or is everything you need in Ireland?

Victor

polishwork wrote:

People want to be Irish? People want to make money here that's it. People here are so rude, unnattractive, but to make it worse with the attitude you have. I liked Ireland until I came here. I have been to the USA and a lot of polish are there too you know. I've been to France, they are similar to the Irish( not very attractive, big framed and very arrogant). Canada is a nice place but not many Irish there. Travel a bit my friend, or is everything you need in Ireland?

There are bad people everywhere.

ThrownAway

I don't think you're being shallow everyone has to be attracted someone to like them.

I have to be attracted to someone too but I can't stand people who are obsessed with their body and the way they look. I'm not the type of girl who goes out all done up everyday. I'm me and perfectely happing the way I am that makes me one of those girls who don't take pride in their apperance but I wouldn't be attracted to a kind of guy that's looking for someone that does anyway.

Did you ever consider maybe that those girls you find plain might be beautiful to their boyfriends?

McGinty

I haven't read any of the replies but one thing I would concur with you is that you mentioned that your small and skinny, and that being with a larger woman would make you look daft, I agree, as I'm tall for a woman, well relatively so, but also a strong build, I'm not fat, but I have a strong and broad build, even at my skinnest my shoulders resembled a man's in a way, so I personally seek men taller and broader than me, like you it is shallow, I have dated a couple of guys smaller than me but I felt daft, and same with skinny men, I just feel huge around them, give me a chunky guy and then I feel smaller than him, so maybe I'm as shallow as you, but I don't get the shallow vibe from you, more so being practical. Personality for me is important too, and I'm open to whatever, but I can see where your coming from as well.

Marksie

polishwork wrote:

People want to be Irish? People want to make money here that's it. People here are so rude, unnattractive, but to make it worse with the attitude you have.

I am english and believe you me there is history between the two countries. BUT With the exception of a few instances i have not experienced the "attitude" you talk about. I suggest that maybe your attitude is the problem here.

That was off topic i know, but i am tired of somebody ranting like that for no reason.

OP Attractivenss is important but it is a blend of both the physical and the character. People do have certain types they find themselves attracted to physically. However, for a relaionship, physical attractivness only carries so far and so long. If a character is both complimentary and yet has its differences to yours then it is a heady mix.
So no you are not shallow... you put it very well

Ickle Magoo

polishwork wrote:

People want to make money here that's it. People here are so rude, unnattractive, but to make it worse with the attitude you have.

I'm not Irish & to be fair I have travelled a bit & found the same everywhere...there is no country exempt from rude or unnattractive people & likewise no country with nothing but...

OP,

I think mutual attraction is hugely important when finding a mate, most first encounters, requests for numbers, lusty glances across the room, happen solely due to aesthetics...but if you are only going for aesthetics & ignoring the need for the other things that make for a satisfying relationship such as having things in common and being able to talk and be mentally stimulated by each other, then you would be shallow & fairly lonely I'd say...:)

Cake Fiend

polishwork wrote:

People want to make money here that's it.

I don't think he's talking about Polish people, I think he meant more along the lines of people who are happy enough in their own country and genuinely do have affinity for Irish people without any ulterior motive.

If you had ever been an Irish person abroad, you would see what genuine welcome is. I don't know many other nationalities that experience this.

BigWilly

Not to be offensive, but the general demographic on boards would strike me as being generally unnatractive (from looking at know your nerds etc).
Hence why a lot of people will factor personality disproportionately into the equation when it comes to the opposite sex on this site.
Tbh, *In my opinion* men will get with the most attractive person available to them. It's only natural. You look for the best female you can get to procreate(not necessarily to procreate but you know what I mean).

Can't remember where I heard this quote, but it's so true: "Men are only as loyal as their options."

Personally, I wouldn't go near an overweight girl, or a plain girl or whatever. Whats the point? As the original poster said, I find that attractive girls(proper attractive girls and not self-conscious girls who need tons of make-up to look attractive) have better personalities and are more fun.

Jotter

Chemistry is more important than looks by a long way. When I first met my husband I wasnt initially attracted to him, he just wasnt my type, he put far too much effort into his appearance, just like my ex which is sooo boring in a man - look after yourself yes but theres only room for 1 girl in my relationships (em thats me by the way!!).... but there was great chemistry there and although I kept telling myself I didnt fancy him I did bec he oooozed sex and confidence. He perservered with me and before long I was hooked and here we are 5 years later, great sex life and I deffo think hes improved looks wise also bec hes stopped the over grooming and now is all rugged and manly!! From his point of view I had a great body (yes I knew it!) and now Im up the duff and have no idea what way Im going to look when baby comes - I will deffo make the effort to get back to my pre pregnant state but I cant guarantee that it will happen - again the chemisty is what will keep the attraction there if I dont look like a supermodel in a few weeks - Looks is what initially attracts us all if were honest - not neccesarily good looks either - my friend goes for quirky everytime - but chemisty is what makes it good and keeps it good!

Dragan

polishwork wrote:

People want to be Irish? People want to make money here that's it. People here are so rude, unnattractive, but to make it worse with the attitude you have. I liked Ireland until I came here. I have been to the USA and a lot of polish are there too you know. I've been to France, they are similar to the Irish( not very attractive, big framed and very arrogant). Canada is a nice place but not many Irish there.
Travel a bit my friend, or is everything you need in Ireland?

Dude, you need to learn to take a joke my friend, or was my little smiley face not enough to convey the humour behind my statement???

If you would look to continue the conversation then just bring it to After Hours or something.

I'm not getting the "people here are so rude thing" , all my friends, family reletives treat people very well, regardless as to where they are from.

If you have been mistreated then i feel bad about that, but you will find assholes where you go! As for being unattractive etc....that's really your own issue i fear!! I find myself to be doing rather well with some of the foreign ladies who have come over, so i can only assume that they do not think as you do, or at least no so generally!

Maybe if you stop looking at the whole country with the "stereotype" you have developed!!! I have no doubt that if i was standing beside you in the Q for the bank you would be looking at me thinking bad thoughts and yet you do not even know me??

Every occur to you that maybe you bring these problems on yourself for having such a poor attitude???

As for travel, i have done plenty, and will do more next year, but yeah, i love my country!!! Is that such a bad thing???

Finally, i know and hang around with and have great time for plenty of Polish people over here....plenty of other nationals actually, and i have to say i am glad that not all of them share your attitude!!!

One or two of them did at first, but now they see that for every asshole they meet, there are 5 good people waiting to "act the crazy irish" with them!