I think my dad is having an affair - HELP

cil_aine

Jesus ok heres what happened,

I come down to the computer because i can't sleep. My dad (who's having problems at work at the moment) has left his suitcase on the table, with ofice papers on top. I, being curious about his work decides to open the suitcase. I find 3 things.

1. a "happy boss day!" card from somebody called "SB"
2. a (expensive) birthday card for some-one special. on the inside "to my darling (dad's name), happy birthday, much love always, Sheila xxxxx"
3. a VALENTINE card "to (dad's name), forever yours, sheila xxxxxx"

I'm in so much shock. I am deliberating on what to do.
My dad has been an alcoholic now for 14 years. He has made both my life and my mother's very much less than perfect and has been the main cause of my mother's depression, which she has started to suffer from since 2000. She's also been banned from driving for 6 months (nothing bad just lots of points collected in a short space of time) and her mother is quite ill, recovering from radio-therapy.

I feel like i should tell her, but then i fear it would tip her over the edge. I'm also afraid of confronting my father, who at the moment is having alot of difficulty at work, and i fear he could do anything. i've never really been able to confront him about his alcoholism, as i've been too scared to. how the hell can i breach this type of subject?

am i over-reacting, is this something small? please give me advice.

RandomOne

Okay, no you're not overreacting and it's not something small. However, given the problems you've outlined for both your parents, this might be how your Dad's coping with it, and your Mum might be aware without it actually being spoken about but is letting it ride whilst she deals with all those other things. Takes the pressure off her if someone else is giving your Dad attention.

You don't have to confront your Dad and I strongly advise you don't mention it to your Mum. Maybe if there's a moment it seems like you could talk to your Dad (Talk, not confront) without any risk of your Mum overhearing, then if you really need to talk to him about it, do. But you have to be prepared to hear whatever he has to say if you do.

InFront

Keep an eye on your Dads habits from now on. It doesnt sound too good.

I would suggest dropping hints that you know, and that it's just not on. Ultimately, you don't want to be the person who tells your Mum about it, and that shouldnt be expected of you. It's his mess, he needs to sort it out as soon as possible.

Ruu_Old

Not overreacting at all, OP. Sorry to hear about this, it puts you in an awkward situation indeed. I am not sure how to deal with this at all but you are not the one to tell your Mam about it, its your Dads mess but I understand that you might feel its up to you. I hope it somehow works out, good luck.

Black Swan

Sad. Agree with other posters here. I would not be the one to tell your Mam. Your Da? Well, do you two do anything together? On weekends or whenever he is off work, and not drinking? Maybe then? But if he is an alcoholic, then be cautioned that denial is a big thing with them. Sorry. Best of luck.

Beruthiel

I cannot believe you went through your fathers stuff, if my daughter did that I'd loose the rag with her big time. My opinion is, it's private, it's mine and none of your business. Now that you have done it, you've found out something you'd rather not know.
At the end of the day this is between your parents, you should keep well and truly out of it because no matter what you do, it won't help anyone.

As the child, all you need to do is work on your relationship with both your parents, gleen from them what you can with regards to happiness and how you deal with them. It's all you can do as you have no control over anything else.

jhegarty

cil_aine wrote:

[*]a VALENTINE card "to (dad's name), forever yours, sheila xxxxxx"
[/LIST]

the thing that would make me worried there is he still has the valentines card in july....

Pipp

Ok,
Ive been through something similar with this with my own father, I caught him making phonecalls to an old ex-girlfriend. It never progressed to an affair but it was still a betrayal. My father is also an alcoholic.
The thing I wanted to add to this thread was this suggestion:
If he had all of these personal items from this lady together in his briefcase, all from different times of the year, did it ever occur to you that he might be ending this "thing"? You dont know for sure if it was just a flirtation or a full-blown physical affair. Maybe its just a "crush" on the part of this lady and she has been sending your father these things, and he hasnt had the gumption to "nip it in the bud" as they say. Maybe it was massaging his ego and he was delaying the deed of "breaking it off". My point is is that it could all be one-sided.
It might not be though, it might be the beginning of a full affair, and only time and evidence will prove that. He might be keeping these things and getting caught up in the idea of this woman wanting him.
How is your parents relationship? Are they together or distant? My parents "exist" together, they are not a unit anymore. Its sad but its true, and all too common I would imagine.
Anyway, the only way youll know for sure is to watch and wait.
However, I agree with the poster that said you shouldnt have been snooping in your fathers personal items, and it wouldnt be wise for you to let-on that you have been.
Bottom line dont get involved, support your poor Mum in this difficult time with her health and her own Mum's ilness.
I hope Ive helped in some way.

cil_aine

Beruthiel wrote:

I cannot believe you went through your fathers stuff, if my daughter did that I'd loose the rag with her big time. My opinion is, it's private, it's mine and none of your business.

True, but my dad's lost his job and we have no money at the moment, and he's not telling any of us whats happened, whats going to happen etc. Can you blame me for wanting to know what has been going on, especially seeing as it doesn't solely affect him but both my mother and me? If his stuff is so private, why leave it right by the computer?

takola

cil_aine wrote:

True, but my dad's lost his job and we have no money at the moment, and he's not telling any of us whats happened, whats going to happen etc. Can you blame me for wanting to know what has been going on, especially seeing as it doesn't solely affect him but both my mother and me? If his stuff is so private, why leave it right by the computer?

Probably because he thought he could trust you?? And tbh, You wanting to know what happened at work doesn't really justify it.

It's a really horrible situation to be in. I agree with everyone else, Don't tell your mum. Maybe have a chat with your dad and see what he has to say. It sounds like they're both having a hard time of it lately. Just see what he says.

RandomOne

cil_aine wrote:

True, but my dad's lost his job <snip> If his stuff is so private, why leave it right by the computer?

He didn't, he left it in his suitcase! If he's lost his job, these are quite possibly just accumulated bits & pieces which he's cleared out of his desk and don't have any of the sentimental meaning you're attaching to them at all.

Beruthiel

cil_aine wrote:

Can you blame me for wanting to know what has been going on

And now that you have gone through your fathers personal items you know what's going on?

especially seeing as it doesn't solely affect him but both my mother and me?

And what do you think you will do now with the extra knowledge that you think you have?

If his stuff is so private, why leave it right by the computer?

Because it's his house and if he wishes to place something somewhere that doesn't mean he expects his child to go through it.
I place items all over my house, my daughter does not go through them and I don't go through her stuff. It's called respect.
If you need to know something, go to your father and tell him you are worried about the future. See what he has to say to you.
Sneaking around behind his back will tell you nothing and is not helping your situation one little bit, all it has done is add more worries, which is why you have posted this thread.

Surrender

Beruthiel wrote:

.....I place items all over my house, my daughter does not go through them and I don't go through her stuff. It's called respect.......
....Sneaking around behind his back will tell you nothing and is not helping your situation one little bit, all it has done is add more worries, which is why you have posted this thread.

A little harsh, I don't think this is an issue anyway. Damage is done. Maybe approach your Dad and be up front, the dilema of whether you were right or wrong going through his things is irrelevant now. If it were me I'd need to know.

Mr. Presentable

Why, if he's lost his job, would he have his work home with him?

You have no business going through his stuff, anything you learn that way is inadmissable. Let's face it, if he kept a Valentine card until now maybe he has had it (and the others) for years!

dahooligan

OK! The OP looked at their fathers stuff, and she shouldn't have. I am pretty sure they know that.
They don't need a lecture on it now, a lecture is not going to change what they have seen. They want and need advice on where to go from here -
NOT A LECTURE ON PRIVACY!

OP, I have not been in your situation before, but all I can suggest is that you do talk to your father about this, let him know what you have seen, apologise for snooping, explain why you did it, but basically, treat himnnot only as your father, but as a person.
Ask him where he wants to go from here. If he want's to give your family life another chance then help him, let him know yourr there for him.
If he want's to leave your family home, I know that is not what you want to hear, but try to remember that he is a person with needs and wants, ask yourself would you stay in a relationship if you were unhappy?

Bottom line, you are going to have to be VERY grown up about all that has yet to come, and VERY strong, for yourself, and your parents.

cil_aine

Beruthiel wrote:

it's his house and if he wishes to place something somewhere that doesn't mean he expects his child to go through it.
I place items all over my house, my daughter does not go through them and I don't go through her stuff. It's called respect.

It's not HIS house, it's my FAMILY'S when he happens to pay the mortgage for seeing as my mum can't work because she is so ill (due to HIM by the way) . He goes through my stuff when he comes pissed, but clearly it's a different rule for him.
And who the hell do you think you are lecturing me on respect? Does my father respect me or my mum? Is he respectful when he hits my mum, or throws her across the room? Is he respectful when he samshes up the house? Or when he's out having affairs?
I think maybe this time I might just have the moral highground.

takola wrote:

Probably because he thought he could trust you?? And tbh, You wanting to know what happened at work doesn't really justify it.

Well I thought I could trust my father, but clearly not. I think the fact that we have no money in the house at the moment, we're having to borrow money of my (very ill) grandmother and he isn't telling anyone whats happened does justify it.So, really I am so sorry if i'm a bit concerned and curious.But clearly I'm just a nosy asshole, yes? I wouldn't have done it if we knew what was happening.

LegacyUser

Something similar happened to me, except I found out by accident, and it was my mum. I had a big thread about it a few months ago.
I, so far, haven't said anything, but I think about it a lot and I sometimes get really frustrated. I think it's totally up to you what you do, but you have to remember the impact you'll have on the rest of your family, or the impact not telling will have on you.

SingingCherry

cil_aine wrote:

Well I thought I could trust my father, but clearly not. I think the fact that we have no money in the house at the moment, we're having to borrow money of my (very ill) grandmother and he isn't telling anyone whats happened does justify it.So, really I am so sorry if i'm a bit concerned and curious.But clearly I'm just a nosy asshole, yes? I wouldn't have done it if we knew what was happening.

You clearly didn't trust your father if you were snooping through his things. What he could be doing (the affair) is wrong, but what you did was wrong too.

cil_aine wrote:

Is he respectful when he hits my mum, or throws her across the room? Is he respectful when he samshes up the house?

Um... if this is the case you have bigger problems than his affair, anyway.

cil_aine

I thought I could trust my father not to have an affair. But is having an affair and looking through your dad's briefcase really on a par?

LegacyUser

I strongly disagree with most opinion here ...........

He is an alcoholic and as such is upto all kinds of mischief. Alcoholics can be very secretative and tell lies to beat the band (with a straight face) - maybe even BELIEVE their own lies.

The home is the FAMILY home (not just his). The mother and daughter have no money (thanks to him). The mother is being physically abused. He has lost his job.

Obviously, both the mother and daughter are worried and care about him. He is afterall husband and father. Nobody else gives a **** about him ... especially not the publician who serve him the drink and take the money ; money that rightly belongs to the FAMILY.

Sometimes ... forewarned is forearmed. That is why it is OK to secretly go through his stuff. U should keep tabs on him and his behaviour.

I know about this **** ...

If he doesn't change, I think a different course of action will really be necessary by U and your mother. Otherwise, U are going to have a really miserable life for the duration with him around. And - it will be soul destroying for all concerned.

LegacyUser

I suppose I should add that he will only stop drinking if he himself WANTS to stop badly enough. Otherwise, (countless) arguments with him can be a waste of time and create an even worse atmosphere.

As for 'an affair' - is there really enough proof ? U don't even seem sure about that yourself. I guess U are hoping for the best. And it's hard for us to say for sure. It could be just some office employee being a little overfamiliar or overfriendly. Maybe he did nothing - except take it as a compliment and laugh it off ...

There was a thread / blog here a few months ago about a guy who went into
a hospital in Dublin for a month to cure his drinking problem. He was writing about his progress and experiences while in the hospital. I think he said that the private health insurance covered the cost ...

It's a long read - and it was a fairly rough game of soldiers for the man (!) - but it might be worth your while to read it. Does anyone remember the link to the thread ?????

If he stays drinking, I think every day is going to be a DDSS (Different Day, Same ****) - just like every day of the last 14 years.

Of course, getting him sober and up and running again might not turn him into 'a walking angel' either ... But at least there is hope if he tries ...
It's really up to him.

Good luck to U with this.

TheTruthFairy

cil_aine wrote:

Well I thought I could trust my father, but clearly not.

So he beats your ma but you only lose confidence in him once you find "evidence" he's cheating on her?

cil_aine wrote:

I think the fact that we have no money in the house at the moment, we're having to borrow money of my (very ill) grandmother and he isn't telling anyone whats happened does justify it.So, really I am so sorry if i'm a bit concerned and curious.But clearly I'm just a nosy asshole, yes? I wouldn't have done it if we knew what was happening.

You've got bigger problems then needing to find out exactly how your Dad lost his job.

RandomOne

You can take the moral high ground all you want, but it won't achieve anything any more than going through your Dad's case did. You only think he's cheated on your Ma, you don't know.

The only way you're going to sort any of this out is by talking to your Dad. If you can't do that, then you're worse off than before you found the cards. If you can do that, then you'll have to live with the consequences of what you then know, just as you're now having to live with the consequences of making his case your business, and electing yourself judge and jury.

cil_aine

TheTruthFairy wrote:

So he beats your ma but you only lose confidence in him once you find "evidence" he's cheating on her?

Yes, that's exactly it. WELL DONE.

GretchenWieners

To the OP: Are you close with any of your mom's relatives? It could be a good idea to get the hell out of there or else have somebody there to mediate and having a close relative ito go to is a very good thing. I'd say it to one of them before saying anything to your mom or dad.

Blub2k4

NortSoide wrote:

I suppose I should add that he will only stop drinking if he himself WANTS to stop badly enough. Otherwise, (countless) arguments with him can be a waste of time and create an even worse atmosphere.

As for 'an affair' - is there really enough proof ? U don't even seem sure about that yourself. I guess U are hoping for the best. And it's hard for us to say for sure. It could be just some office employee being a little overfamiliar or overfriendly. Maybe he did nothing - except take it as a compliment and laugh it off ...

There was a thread / blog here a few months ago about a guy who went into
a hospital in Dublin for a month to cure his drinking problem. He was writing about his progress and experiences while in the hospital. I think he said that the private health insurance covered the cost ...

It's a long read - and it was a fairly rough game of soldiers for the man (!) - but it might be worth your while to read it. Does anyone remember the link to the thread ?????

If he stays drinking, I think every day is going to be a DDSS (Different Day, Same ****) - just like every day of the last 14 years.

Of course, getting him sober and up and running again might not turn him into 'a walking angel' either ... But at least there is hope if he tries ...
It's really up to him.

Good luck to U with this.

That was the user new leaf, I phoned St. Patricks for him and they said VHI plan B which he had covered his therapy period.
I don't have a link there right now am too busy to look.