Was I wrong or right?

Pirbright

Bit of a long first post.

I met a girl about 2 months ago. It was one of those times when everything fell into place and we really clicked. Neither of us went overboard by being joined at the hip but found a really cool balance of seeing each other and being ourselves. All was going fantastically until last thursday.....

Decided to go to the cinema. Just about to jump out of the car when she thru a wobbler. She'd spotted someone and wanted me to stay in the car. When I asked who, she said her ex (and his fiance). Now they broke up a few years back and I thought it was on good terms. She deemed it would be 'awkward'. Now all I wanted to do was get the tickets and go watch the film. I didn't want to stop and chat. A simple 'hello' out of good manners seemed ideal to me.

Anyways I was made wait 20 minutes in the car until they'd gone. By that stage I wasn't a happy camper. She couldn't give me a vaild reason as too why I couldn't get out (with her), grab the tickets and watch the film. All I got was 'it'd just be awkward...' So at this stage I wasn't impressed and the evening and film was ruined and the atmosphere wasn't good. I tend to go quiet when annoyed. So she asked me was I not talking to her. I said I was but wasn't impressed with what had happened. So we went back to hers to try sort out my 'moodiness'....so I told about a past experience with an ex who told me she was over her ex only for her to run straight back into his arms leaving me heartbroken and it taking nearly 2 yrs to get over. She said I was being overly sensitive. I remembered something she had told me about her and her ex that happened within the last 12 months that set off alarm bells in my head at this stage but I kept quiet and didn't bring it up. I tried to explain that it was just my experience from before and me trying to protect myself from getting hurt. Nothing really got resolved that night.

Next morning, she got up, showered and put on make-up without even saying good morning. She then came in and went 'so you're still not talking to me?'...yet she'd blanked me....I offered an olive branch and said sorry if it seemed I over reacted but can't she see from past experience why I would get defensive about her and her wanting to almost 'hide' me from her ex...Went off to work. No real contact all day. It really felt like it was festering so I called to see if we were ok and she seemed happier. I even said again I was sorry if it seemed I couldn't understand why she had to 'hide' me from her ex. So I went out with work and my friends that night and expected to talk to her on saturday. Didn't hear from her on saturday (she was going to a party where she knew the ex and fiance were going to be that night) but thought she might be busy looking after her parents house (on hols) and getting ready. So headed to mate's house up north to play golf early sunday. Left my phone in his house by accident but when I got back it was late but no calls or messages. Headed back down to Dublin but it was late when I got home and didn't want to call and wake her.

Monday, just had a sense of foreboding. Emailed her to see what was was going on as mondays she's very busy and doesn't always answer her mobile. No response all day. Called her after work hours. Asked her where we stood. She turned round and said she had no positive feeling for the relationship at the moment, didn't know how she felt about it all or me and said it was best to end it for the time being. But she wanted to remain in touch and contact with me. I said No as I didn't want it to end and it seemed unfair for her not to take into account my feelings. I wished her the best and left it at that.

Now, looking back at from my point of view, 3 theories spring to miind:

1. Something is still going on with the ex on the sly and he's unaware of me hence her need to 'hide' me...or she still has feelings for him.......

2. I've suddenly turned into the elephant man and is ashamed to be seen with me - but I'm ok to meet her best mates and husbands.....

3. I've blown it out of proportion and blown what potentially could have been a winner.

I've tried to be honest with her, apologised even when I haven't felt the need to, tried to explain things so she could perhaps take into account my side. But none of it worked and now I'm left where it went wrong.....

Any advice / criticism welcomed!!

Miss Fluff

You really need to talk to her. Any advice would only be speculative and you can't just assume she's seeing him on the sly. Sounds like you haven't had a reasonable explanation at all as to why she has finished it. Talk to her again.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Don't really think you over-reacted, I would be the same if I thought I was being "hidden" away by my gf, particular from her ex.

If I was you, I think theory 1 could be a possibility, but I hope not. Maybe she wants to give the impression to the ex that she is free and single? Or maybe she is already doing the dirt.

I wouldn't over react at the moment, but keep a look out for any suspicious behaviour. Maybe even (and i'll probably get criticised for this) have a look at her phone, any calls or texts to and from him.

Maybe there is nothing to be worried about though, just some sort of strange insecurities on her part.

Kell

Pirbright wrote:

1. Something is still going on with the ex on the sly and he's unaware of me hence her need to 'hide' me...or she still has feelings for him.......

2. I've suddenly turned into the elephant man and is ashamed to be seen with me - but I'm ok to meet her best mates and husbands.....

3. I've blown it out of proportion and blown what potentially could have been a winner.

All three could be true.

Personally I have no time for people who dont have the balls to face their ex, even accidentally. All horseshít if you ask me. OK, she might have been uncomfortable around the dude, but no excuse to leave you whistling at the roof of the car.

And then when you explain yourself to her, she dismisses you? Not a very respectful sounding lady, but (expecting backlash) is resonant of a lot of present day young ladies who forget that just as they expect a degree of decorum and respect for their feelings, we do too.

Two months? Unless you feel you have really fúcked up (and please dont) tell her to grow up and get over the ex or fúck off.

K-

free2fly

Hmmm...I think that I'd be very hurt and confused if my bf kept me wiating in a car while he talked to an ex for 20 minutes. "It would be awkward" doesn't seem like a very good explanation to me either. Don't beat yourself up over it. I think your reaction was normal.

LundiMardi

na you were right to be pissed off, maybe she had her own reasons for you not to meet her ex, but she should have showed a bit of respect and not made you wait 20 minutes(i personally wouldn't have sat in the car that long, i would have just got out anyway). She seems kinda moody, but then, she is a woman;) So just leave her for a while, don't make contact, if she wants something she'll contact you, if not, then it's probably for the best that you broke up rather than waste any more time with her.

secret_squirrel

She has issues - anyone who ruins a night for the sake of hiding from her Ex needs her head read.

Shes now turning it round and trying to make it your fault.

Tell her to get over herself and move on.

You've met her more than halfway. Give her one last chance and tell her to stop her messing.

It doesnt sound like she is ready for or deserves a BF tbh.

Black Swan

Relationships are delicate things that you have to sort out all the time if they are to survive. It would seem that she is not over her Ex? It also seems that you have gotten defensive, not just because of her, but also based upon your past experiences? Maybe give her a little space, and see if she misses you? Drop your past and this incident completely, rise above the occasion, if in fact she is important to you? Make a clean start? If you are important to each other and in fact have a serious relationship, you will sort it out. If not, then move on.

Chinafoot

I'll admit I found it odd that she hid you from her ex, I would have thought that she would have been proudly showing you off. I know thats what I would be doing if I bumped into my ex while with my current boyfriend. My ex is also engaged (to a girl he was seeing behind my back towards the end of our relationship) and I'd be all too eager to show him that I'd moved on with my life just like he had.

With that said, however, I don't know the nature of their relationship. Has she told you about their relationship/break-up? For all you know her ex could still be mad about her despite his engagement (it does happen) and maybe she didn't want to rub his face in things. Maybe she still has a really good relationship with him and considers him to be a good friend and as it is still very early days for the two of you, perhaps she doesn't want to be introducing you to all and sundry in case things don't work out.

This is all pure speculation. Only she knows why she acted like that and you should try and talk to her about it again if you want to sort things out. It sounds like the weekend was one of a lot of miscommunication.

One thing though, while I'm sure your girl appreciates that you have been hurt before, a lot of girls can get annoyed/upset when compared to their boyfriend's ex. We are not your ex and do not assume that we are going to treat you the same way. By all means tell us if we do something you don't like, particularly if it is something that damaged your previous relationship, and by all means be a little cautious in certain situations, however do not assume that we are all the same.

I'd suggest talking to her. It sounds like you were both being stubborn and it could just be teething problems in the relationship. Like a previous poster said, the honeymoon period could be over now. You have no evidence that she cheated on you so I really wouldn't suggest going down that road. Talk to her. Let her know you need some reassurance and tell her in no uncertain terms how she made you feel and that you didn't appreciate the way she acted. Hopefully it'll work out for you both.

Good luck.

Kell

dr.bollocko wrote:

In fact she talked to a guy she used to sleep with

I dont quite recall the OP saying that she had spoken to the ex.

And why should he get over himself? As per my last post, when OP levelled with her, she disses the guy. Not a very good sign from the off if someone just dismisses what your saying.

dr.bollocko wrote:

but we are guys, and what guys do better than any other gender out there is the crazy romantic thing from out of nowhere that makes the girl fall completely head over heels in love with us.

:rolleyes: Bleurgh.

K-

dr.bollocko

Right from the off, let me tell you, I am dismissing what youre saying Kell.
No, its not a good sign is it?

the age of romance is dead.
And dont puke on my quotes.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA????
OH IM SORRY, I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA???

humanji

dr.bollocko wrote:

Right from the off, let me tell you, I am dismissing what youre saying Kell.
No, its not a good sign is it?

the age of romance is dead.
And dont puke on my quotes.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA????
OH IM SORRY, I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA???

What?

OP, in my opinion, you should confront her and ask her what's wrong. Find out what she seems to be hiding. If she's not forcoming then forget her. Cut her out of your life, Don't be friends, or you'll never be able to move on. You'll be better off!

Kell

dr.bollocko wrote:

I am dismissing what youre saying Kell.

I am truly worried

dr.bollocko wrote:

the age of romance is dead

Sorry, did I suggest that? I really dont recall that at all. Romance doesnt have to be sugar coated and covered in maple syrup though.

dr.bollocko wrote:

And dont puke on my quotes.

Are we sensitive?

As this is a public forum and given my right to free speech, if I feel the need to point out to you that your choice of language is self absorbed, smug, mills and boon drivel, I shall.

K-

dr.bollocko

But I think you're just super!

Pirbright

Well I took once last gamble and did something I've not done in a long time. Got a piece of paper and pen and tried to explain what it seems I failed miserably to get across last thursday. I'm better using written word as I can convey things better. So I dropped it off at her work place. If I didn't try, I'd look back and regret not doing it. To be honest I don't hold out much hope of changing her mind and winning her back but in the off chance I can put a doubt in her mind about her decision then thats a start.....

um7y1h83ge06nx

Let us know how things go.

Seems you're getting a bit of a raw deal though.

Good luck.

Ayla

Pir -

Relationships are tough things, and they always take a lot of work. I was lucky in that my first date w/ my now-hubby we completely leveled w/ each other and admitted that we do not allow game-playing in a relationship. Now if we have something to say, we say it whether or not the other likes it. It's an open policy of honesty always, and we've avoided countless bad situations by doing it.

I'm saying this b/c it sounds like you've given it your all, but she's playing games. Of course, this could just be b/c we haven't heard her side of it, but no one deserves to be "hidden away" (from anyone)...if she didn't want you to meet/talk to the ex, she could have politely explained why and asked to meet you in the theatre. What she did, for whatever reason, was rather thoughtless on her part.

Then, when you approached the situation and tried to talk it out, she pinned it on you, and claimed you were the one with the problem ("you're still not talking to me?"). No one needs that. I'm female, and I'll admit that women can be a bit one-minded if they think they're right, but you shouldn't have to absolutely crawl at her feet for her to come around. Relationships are a two-way street, and both folks have to work on it.

Forget what may or may not be happening with her ex...that's really not the problem here...it's your relationship that's the issue. Communication, understanding, compromise (from both sides)...that is what you're trying to work out. If you can't get her to talk to you, she's sending a clear signal that she's not as committed to the relationship as you are.

But you deserve to be treated better than this anyway...everyone does. So if she doesn't come around then move on b/c someone else out there will value you.

Vegeta

Pirbright wrote:

Well I took once last gamble and did something I've not done in a long time. Got a piece of paper and pen and tried to explain what it seems I failed miserably to get across last thursday. I'm better using written word as I can convey things better. So I dropped it off at her work place. If I didn't try, I'd look back and regret not doing it. To be honest I don't hold out much hope of changing her mind and winning her back but in the off chance I can put a doubt in her mind about her decision then thats a start.....

well done mate, that was the right thing to do.

You seem like a nice dude, you deserve better. Don't let her disrespect you is all i'll say.

you are right.

Pirbright

I got a response.....

She misses me but she has to sort out some things in her head before thinking about jumping back into things.......

So I told her to take her time, there's no rush and I wouldn't jump back into anything if she was unsure of anything......

Just reinforced how I felt about her too.....

Better then I expected but not getting hopes up just yet. I'll leave her alone now and let her decide how she feels.....

LundiMardi

did she say what she had to sort out? She sounds like a bit of a drama queen tbh.

secret_squirrel

I agree - very over dramatic.

Sometimes drama queen behaviour can be worth putting up with - especially if its due to confidence or her being insecure.

Whats not worth putting up with is continual behaviour of that sort in a relationship, she needs to get past it at some stage.

Let her sort her head out and see what happens - but if you get back together make it clear that her sort of behaviour long term is not acceptable.

bassist

women are strange dude there's no explaining them!

remain unknown

if im being honest, it does sound like you were the bit on the side. Either that or she still hopes to get back with her ex, and she wanted to remain "single" in his eyes. IF this was to go on for years and years, you could never trust her. If shes not willing to talk about things, leave it. Ive found out the hard way. She refused to talk about things to me, and tell me the truth, and it ended. Sometimes its better to end it before its really begun...

LegacyUser

This is a breeze.

1) She disrespected you by not letting you get out of the car thus meaning she was embaressed to be seen with you. You should have cancelled the date after that length of time and gone home.

2) She tries using reverse psychology to make it out that you should have no reason to be annoyed with her

3) You make a major faux pas. You have only seen this girl 2 months and yet you poor your heart out to why you feel insecure about what she did, this is wrong. It makes you look wimpy and not confident with yourself.

4) You tried calling her blatantly after she disrespected you to find out where you stand...well if it wasn't already clear enough, this girl had already disrespected you.

5) Don't contact her again, don't try to talk to her, don't text her, don't call her...get on with your life and remember, this girl is not a "potential winner". She is a user.

RandomOne

Just a different perspective. Nowhere in the OP did I read that he was left in the car whilst she got out. Seemed to me both were in the car.

If that's not the case, bit crappy of her, but I agree with Pirbright writing his letter and leaving it in her hands, cos nothing's worse than wondering what would have happened if.....!!! IF she comes around he can sort out what exactly went on.

If is the case she stayed in the car too, then maybe seeing this ex with someone else took her by surprise and she wants some time alone to sort out what her feelings are. In which case, Pirbright's still done the right thing in laying it on the line and giving her time to sort it out. No point her coming back if she has feelings elsewhere.

LegacyUser

this doesn't surprise me.

this is the reason why I have multiple relationships. if you had other options you wouldn't have displayed the neediness that you displayed. you wouldn't have waited 20 minutes in the car. you wouldn't have called her afterwards saying sorry repeatedly. because you were not wrong at all. your feelings for this girl made you act inappropriately and it ruined you. women are hard to understand at the best of times but you cant let them keep you in a car for 20 minutes for stupid reasons like this. you should have told her you were getting out and that's that. then when she started being distant you should have acted the same. show a willingness to walk away because it's very attractive.

some points for the future maybe

Pirbright

Well I've left the ball in her court now. She knows how I feel and thats as far as I'm going to push it for now. If she decides she wants to make a go of it then I will make it crystal clear that if she's not willing to communicate in the future about everything then I'll walk. Not getting bogged down trying to make it work when someone's not returning the effort.

With regards the post above and me being needy....I just wanted to see the film....Yes, I had seriously considered getting out of the car and leaving (she drove) but I just wanted to see the film. I lead a full and active life so I don't have time for messing about and all the mind games. and the reason I'm trying to sort this mess out is because if I walked now and gave up on her, I'd regret it. Simple as that. what ever happens now is in the lap of the gods really. If it goes my way then happy days, if not at least I can say I did everything I could. I'll have no regrets.

Ayla

Pirbright wrote:

I'll have no regrets.

That's the most important part, and good on you for doing things your way. Best of luck to you.

Blush_01

I hope it all works out for you Pir. Not necessarily for the two of you together, but in whatever way is best for you. I don't know if I could have put up with that crap from someone I was supposed to be in a close relationship with!

That said, there's such a lot of bitterness in this thread - and not from the OP! Woah... some people need to chill.

LegacyUser

Hmmm....people are strange. I have a friend who used to be more and who feels he has to hide his g/f's from me. It has been the cause of so many arguments cos I don't understand why he has to hide them from me....but he says its cos he doesn't want to hurt me..(haha get over yourself boy). Maybe they are still mates and she doesn't want to hurt him??? But on the the flip side my friend's girls very rarely last long, I don't know if that is cos they aren't important to him or if they are upset like you are because he is hiding them. I know I'm probably not being helpful but U just never can know unless you ask and trust that they are telling you the truth!

metrovelvet

I think you showed amazing restraint by sitting in the car for 20 minutes. I would have lasted 5 at the most.

The reason anyone, whether boyfriend, girlfriend, adminstration, government, parents, whatever do not practise "transparancy" is to maintain power, pure and simple.