Tight-fisted boyfriend

LegacyUser

Ive been living with the bf for 3 years now. We moved in together from about the 6th month on.
Ive always known hes careful with money, a lot more careful than I am. But lately Im noticing distinct differences in our spending patterns together.

For example, I will rarely be able to go shopping on my own as I think he thinks I will blow a load of money on stuff we don't need. This is an unfounded fear because even tho I am more willing to part with money than he is, I do not by any means blow any. I cant afford to with the mortgage and all the bills. I hand over the mortgage money and bill money every month but hes always guilting me into giving him more than I actually have to.

Im not really bothered about that. What I am bothered about is when he buys clothes, its a €250 pair of shoes or a €150 pair of jeans or a €130 top. Whereas I am pressured into buying stuff from Pennys and Dunne's. If I go for a top over €30 or so he start on about how we are broke and why dint I look for a similar top in pennys or h&m or wherever.
I currently own about 4 tops that I can wear and they are falling apart. I cant go shopping because the grief Ill get after just aint worth it. i know he will come in a few weeks with a €300 coat or something but he will need it and that's that.

He uses the most expensive dentist in town whereas Im consigned to an over shop dingh pot because it more convenient for the pocket...oh....and for me as well. Sure its fine and close to work. Why would I bother using anywhere else.


Im beginning to hate him a bit for this. He NEVER takes me out for dinner. Every time I open my mouth i get guilted in to letting him buy what he wants and as he does earn more than me I dont feel I can say no, dont spend your money on yourself. I cant really say that i want to be bought a nice top and brought out for dineer and not hear how broke we are the whole time. No mate, we are only broke when I suggest I buy something for myself for a change and not you. (rant)

He gives his brother and sister money all the time but I lent my sister €100 yesterday and when I mentioned it to him he started going on about how we would bnever see that money again and isint my sister old enough to stand on her own two feet and so I lost the cool. He has lent his siblings soooooo much money and NEVER asked FOR ONE PENNY BACK (losing it again here just typing this). They are in their late 30's whereas my sister is early 20's. She has never not paid me back whereas he is always bailing his brother out of whatever bill he hasnt paid that month. Im sick of it. I feel like Im being used to keep a house, in which he does hardly anything and if he does I hear about it for a week and all the one rule for him another for me and if its not his way then its no way.

I am starting to think that I do not want to spend the rest of my life with someone like this. Hes selfish and acting like an asshole. He is his own number one priority. HE has even suggested I get a second job in the evenings so he can relax alone and I can earn more money for the kitty.


I think my head is going to explode. Now Im writing this down I can give loads of other examples of me feeling like i am a nusiance that he tolerates. In the time that it ha staken to type this im angrier that i have ever been at his behaviour towards.

So am I building this up in my own mind or am i right in thinking that hes being a w***er. Suggesting I sit down and talk to him wont work because he will not listen and then will walk off and not speak for days. If that happens Im out and staying at a friends house.

Help me please with suggestions? Maybe i am being a hysterical freeloader or whatever. But i dont think i can be with someone like this. I think i just need to see it written down and action it from there.
Thanks for listening to my mad rant!!

Chinafoot

Moneybags wrote:

I hand over the mortgage money and bill money every month but hes always guilting me into giving him more than I actually have to.

This is the bit that really stood out for me. Sorry but there is no way in hell I would put up with that! And he makes more money than you?!

There needs to be a serious conversation there. You are totally right to be upset. I could understand if you were both scrimping and saving but if it's one rule for him and another for you, well that's just not on. Spend your money on yourself. Once you can pay you half of the bills (half being the operative word there) then your money is your money, just like his money is obviously his money.

Sit him down and tell him everything you have said here and make him listen to you. Things should be equal in a relationship, especially when both partners are working. If he refuses to listen to you like you say he will then I don't know what you should do. It's crap but money issues can be very damaging to relationships. You need to get it sorted.

Beruthiel

Moneybags wrote:

Im beginning to hate him a bit for this. He NEVER takes me out for dinner.

Are you saying that ye never go out to dinner and just split the bill?

i get guilted in to letting him buy what he wants

letting? :eek:

I can earn more money for the kitty.

What's the kitty for?
Are you saving for a house or something?

. Suggesting I sit down and talk to him wont work because he will not listen and then will walk off and not speak for days. If that happens Im out and staying at a friends house.

Seems to me that if you cannot sit down and talk about something as simple as your finances, this is not a good sign for your relationship.

Help me please with suggestions?

Well, this is what myself and my partner did.
We set up a joint bank account.
We each put the same amount into it every month, it covers the mortgage, electricity, gas, phone, refuse and there's always a little left over incase something pops up and needs to be paid.
What we do with the rest of our money is our own business, I would never think to give out about what he spends the rest of his money on and he would be told where to go if he thought to comment on what I spend mine on.
Why not take this approach?

MojoMaker

Why the f*ck do couples wholly unsuited to each other buy houses together?

Break the f*ck up and move on and be more selective next time. From your language alone, and from what you're choosing not to say in your post above as much as from what you've said, it's clear the two of you have no future together. Well no happy future anyway.

foxyloxy

I don't think your over reacting at all. There is nothing I detest more than "mean-ness" in a person.
I usually find tho, that someone who is mean with money is mean full stop. With their time, with their comments, with other people.
If he is giving out about how you spend YOUR money on YOURSELF I'd consider if its a relationship worth staying in.
If you are sharing a mortgage and bills whatevers left over should be shared too.
You don't sound happy. And to be honest, unless this is something you can talk about, the pattern is there to stay.
If your this unhappy now, imagine how bad its going to get as the resentment builds over time.
Spend time thinking about this, and treat yourself to whatever it is you want! Because your worth it!:D

Keano

Sorry But

DUMP THE P**CK NOW

YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT


No need for the large text to get your point across Keano.
Beruthiel

Sorry Beruthiel!!!

kdouglas

i agree with mojomaker, dump him now, you've tried to talk about it and it's not working, the situation is only going to get worse, from his spending habits your obviously not broke, cut your losses now and get out while you can.

Huggles

Moneybags wrote:

So am I building this up in my own mind or am i right in thinking that hes being a w***er. Suggesting I sit down and talk to him wont work because he will not listen and then will walk off and not speak for days. If that happens Im out and staying at a friends house.

Yes, yes he is a wanker.

Moneybags wrote:

Help me please with suggestions? Maybe i am being a hysterical freeloader or whatever. But i dont think i can be with someone like this. I think i just need to see it written down and action it from there.
Thanks for listening to my mad rant!!

How in God's name do you see yourself as a freeloader? He is taking the piss big time. I am thinking that he knows he can manipulate you and therefore ease the impact on his wallet.

I wouldn't stand for him coming in with €500+ worth of clothes and he freaks at you for spending €30.

Without everyone telling you, I think you know yourself. Re read your post a few times and you certainly will, don't know the fella and he has made my blood boil!

Santa Claus

My brother is like this. The only person that can get money out of him is his wife and that's just because she took no cr@p from him about money from day 1.

I honestly don't know how you'd go about changing him after living with this for 3 years......If he really loves you then the threat of leaving him might be enough to cop himself on.

I take it the mortgage is in both names ?

dr.bollocko

Kick 'im to the kerb.
He doesn't deserve an explanation, or a chance to change, let him sit alone with his 250 euro shoes and spin.
DTMFA!!!!

BoozyBabe

Luv,
You need to get out now!!!!!

Read over your post again, pretend someone else wrote it & you've to give advice:- the advice that needs to be given is very clear.

He is a controlling manipulative freak!!! Imagine what he'd be like when he gets a ring on your finger.

I feel his controlling will run much further than just on financial issues in the future, & all I can see is a life of misery for you.

If that sounds drastic, then sit him down. Tell him EXACTLY how you feel & how he has to stop, & what EXACTLY you want.

If he's not willing to allow those things then move on.

The Corinthian

What you’ve described is pretty damning indeed, which is why I really would have to hear his side of the story.

After all, we don’t know the full story here; for example, say he earns three times as much as you and thus also pays three times as much as you, then I can understand how he’d feel resentful that you are paying much less and then splashing out on yourself a disproportionate amount, when compared to him.

Of course I’m not saying this is what’s going on, just that we’re only hearing your version of the story and there are a few things you said, such as how you “get guilted in to letting him buy what he wants”, how he “suggested I get a second job in the evenings” or guilting you into giving him more than you actually have to that are ringing warning bells for me.

So to begin with, could you be more specific about how you split your bills and mortgage and how much you both earn?

Miguel_Sanchez

I hand over the mortgage money and bill money every month but hes always guilting me into giving him more than I actually have to.

OP - are you saying that you pay more than half of the bills and mortgage? But you earn less money? If that's the case then he's the freeloading one.

You need to sit him down and talk to him. If he storms off then so be it. Be as calm as possible when you're talking to him. Maybe write out a list of points before you do it.

If he can't see your side of things then I'd say it's time to hoist anchor and sail off missus.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies - I left my computer for 5 mins!
I dont know where the quote tags are so sorry for the lack thereof.
Ill try and make it as clear as possible when I am answering.



"i get guilted in to letting him buy what he wants

letting?

I can earn more money for the kitty.

What's the kitty for?
Are you saving for a house or something?

. Suggesting I sit down and talk to him wont work because he will not listen and then will walk off and not speak for days. If that happens Im out and staying at a friends house.

Seems to me that if you cannot sit down and talk about something as simple as your finances, this is not a good sign for your relationship."


Yes, letting. He kind of hums and haws about eh cost of it because he knows i am with him and I will want to buy something as well so he will say something is too expensive and we go off and get my top or whatever and then he goes back to the coat or whatever it is he was looking at and decides that he needs it. I cant say anything because "whats wrong with you? Dont you like your top?"

On hindsight maybe I should have replied "No, I dont. Now f**k off home and let me go shopping alone without you watching every goddammed penny I spend"
Beruthiel, its something cant really explain but he manages to do it every time. Every siingle time.

We already have a house togeather. In both names and me paying half the mortgage. Not paying anything less than him in any dept at all.

Your suggestion about the joint account is a good one and if i had posted a year or two ago it might have worked. But to be honest Im angry and feeling used and Im breaking it off tonight. Someone said that it would e worse down the line and i agree. Im not on for this anymore. Ima goodlooking girl with a good job and a nice personality - maybe too nice apparently - and i deserve waaaaaay more than the crumbs this joker has been giving me.



Because your worth it!
Today 11:01

"Excellent!!"


"After all, we don’t know the full story here; for example, say he earns three times as much as you and thus also pays three times as much as you, then I can understand how he’d feel resentful that you are paying much less and then splashing out on yourself a disproportionate amount, when compared to him."

No. Not at all. I earn 60g and he earns 75g. So not a huge difference. Not so much that he is supporting me in any way.
He wants me to gt a job so I can be out of the house leaving him to relax and watch telly in peace all night. Of course if i did get another job the house wont clean itself or the food cook itself so having me in the house is probably tolerable on these points.


Hes so gone. Ive been a complete fool and when i am and he gets another girl, i hope she kicks his ass into shape. I was too blinkered by what i thought was love.

Thanks for the help - yure all stars!

quazzy

Beruthiel wrote:

Help me please with suggestions?

Well, this is what myself and my partner did.
We set up a joint bank account.
We each put the same amount into it every month, it covers the mortgage, electricity, gas, phone, refuse and there's always a little left over incase something pops up and needs to be paid.
What we do with the rest of our money is our own business, I would never think to give out about what he spends the rest of his money on and he would be told where to go if he thought to comment on what I spend mine on.
Why not take this approach?

Yep, I agree with Ruth on this.

Set up the joint account and both put equal amounts to cover everything.

Then spend YOUR money on whatever YOU want

Manny7

quazzy wrote:

Set up the joint account and both put equal amounts to cover everything.

Would it not be fairer to work out the amount that needs to go into the joint every month and then split this based on the two salaries relative to each other? So if you earn 40k and he earns 60k, you put in 40% of the funds in the joint. If you're earning less than him it's only fair to put less into the joint, this is how we do it and it works out fine.

Vegeta

The Corinthian wrote:

What you’ve described is pretty damning indeed, which is why I really would have to hear his side of the story.

After all, we don’t know the full story here; for example, say he earns three times as much as you and thus also pays three times as much as you, then I can understand how he’d feel resentful that you are paying much less and then splashing out on yourself a disproportionate amount, when compared to him.

Of course I’m not saying this is what’s going on, just that we’re only hearing your version of the story and there are a few things you said, such as how you “get guilted in to letting him buy what he wants”, how he “suggested I get a second job in the evenings” or guilting you into giving him more than you actually have to that are ringing warning bells for me.

So to begin with, could you be more specific about how you split your bills and mortgage and how much you both earn?

completely agree. I'd have to know how much you each earn and how the bills are split, before i can pass judgement on him.

if he is paying more of the bills than you, well obviously he has a right to be a bit a bit annoyed when you go shopping

if it is split down the middle, then go tell him to feck off.

Also if you continually complain about being broke and then go shopping for clothes or buy a , i can also see where he'd be coming from.

NewFrockTuesday

Before you do anything, maybe set a few test first. It will get you the answers you need and maybe a nice dinner to boot!

Tell him you want to be brought out to dinner. In no uncertain terms. Pick a nice restaurant and book it. If he wont go along or makes excuses that you are broke then get rid of hi
This is a horrible trait in a person. Tightness and slyness are two characteristics I cannot abide in a person.
What about when hes with his mates? Does he fall shy of his round or question bills in restaurants?

Even if he was earning more than her surely if he was a decent sort he would help her out a bit. Especially if he is going to marry her eventually. (I know you didnt say that but its inferred after thre years.)
He does not sound like a kind person and his mind games are only just beginning. Wait till he has to fork out for a kid or scholl fees or whatever. You wouldnt see your child in rags so why should you be.
Out out out.

Chinafoot

Manny7 wrote:

Would it not be fairer to work out the amount that needs to go into the joint every month and then split this based on the two salaries relative to each other? So if you earn 40k and he earns 60k, you put in 40% of the funds in the joint. If you're earning less than him it's only fair to put less into the joint, this is how we do it and it works out fine.

Myself and my boyfriend are planning to move in together soon and he is on more money than me at the moment. Things will always be 50/50. Just because I'm on a lower wage doesn't mean I can't afford my share of things. Nor does it mean that I will use less gas/electricity/broadband etc.

Relationships should be equal.

Vegeta

Manny7 wrote:

Would it not be fairer to work out the amount that needs to go into the joint every month and then split this based on the two salaries relative to each other? So if you earn 40k and he earns 60k, you put in 40% of the funds in the joint. If you're earning less than him it's only fair to put less into the joint, this is how we do it and it works out fine.

nope cos if he is paying 60% he has a 20% hold on her.

He can then always say, that its unfair he pays more for the same benefits she gets.

Bills should be split down the middle, anything else is unfair on one person regardless of wages.

Vegeta

peachypants wrote:

Myself and my boyfriend are planning to move in together soon and he is on more money than me at the moment. Things will always be 50/50. Just because I'm on a lower wage doesn't mean I can't afford my share of things. Nor does it mean that I will use less gas/electricity/broadband etc.

Relationships should be equal.

exactly. well put

jester77

Give him the boot! He doesn't sound like a nice guy at all. From how you describe it he has you under his thumb and sounds like a control freak.

If you do want to stay then the first thing you gotta do is open a joint account for all your bills - mortgage, insurance, phone, electricity, weekly shopping, holidays, etc... Then you each put in a % of your salary to cover the costs. Just because he earns more doesn't mean he should get away with just paying half the bills, ie put in 60% each! Then whatever money you have left is yours to do as you so please and is none of his business whatsoever!

theTinker

Beruthiel wrote:

Well, this is what myself and my partner did.
We set up a joint bank account.
We each put the same amount into it every month, it covers the mortgage, electricity, gas, phone, refuse and there's always a little left over incase something pops up and needs to be paid.
What we do with the rest of our money is our own business, I would never think to give out about what he spends the rest of his money on and he would be told where to go if he thought to comment on what I spend mine on.
Why not take this approach?

I think this is one of the most sensible ways of handling money in a relationship ever.It allows coperation and independance that should suit anyone.

i think your guy is been completely selfish and disrespectful to u, he seems to be managing u like a child, which would disgust me. I would have a serious talk with him about it, listing all the point u want to bring up BEFORE hand on paper(be fair and think of his counters). I also suggest you do this when you are not looking to spend money on sumthing and just in a "normal" phase.

Beruthiel

moneybags wrote:

T
We already have a house togeather. In both names and me paying half the mortgage. Not paying anything less than him in any dept at all.

Then be sure to get your half when you leave him.

But to be honest Im angry and feeling used and Im breaking it off tonight.

Good for you, in fairness, I have no clue whatsoever how you have put up with this type of behaviour. I would never have stood for it. Perhaps that was your problem right there. Next relationship you get into, be sure you go with the joint account.
Best of luck, be sure to tell him why ye are finished

Someone said that it would e worse down the line and i agree.

For sure it will, if it's not nipped in the bud, it always gets worse.


No. Not at all. I earn 60g and he earns 75g. So not a huge difference. Not so much that he is supporting me in any way.
He wants me to gt a job so I can be out of the house

Jebus,
Ye are loaded and he wants you to get another job?! :eek:
He's off his tree!

the house wont clean itself or the food cook itself so having me in the house is probably tolerable on these points.

You're his doormat
I'm glad you've seen the light of day.

kizzyr

Santa Claus wrote:

My brother is like this. The only person that can get money out of him is his wife and that's just because she took no cr@p from him about money from day 1.

I honestly don't know how you'd go about changing him after living with this for 3 years......If he really loves you then the threat of leaving him might be enough to cop himself on.
I take it the mortgage is in both names ?

If he really loved her he wouldn't treat her like this in the first place and it shouldn't take the threat of breaking up to get someone to show that they love you and being behaving like a decent person.
If I were you I'd get the hell out, he sounds not only mean but controlling and those character traits do not a happy relationship make.

Miss Fluff

Moneybags wrote:

Whereas I am pressured into buying stuff from Pennys and Dunne's.......I currently own about 4 tops that I can wear and they are falling apart.

If you were a man I'd be telling you to GROW SOME BALLS. Aren't you able to stand up for yourself? As long as your meeting financial obligations, i.e. meeting mortgage repayments/paying bills etc I genuinely can't fathom why YOU can't spend YOUR money in whichever way you choose.

jesus_thats_gre

Moneybags wrote:

I hand over the mortgage money and bill money every month but hes always guilting me into giving him more than I actually have to.

That you actually have to? Is the arrangement ye have together to split the bills 50/50 or does someone pay more?

BoozyBabe

She has already answered that (read her 2nd post)
It's split 50/50, she's finally seen the light & is leaving him & good for her.

Best of Luck OP, think you deserve it after 3 years of that sh!te!!!

jester77

Vegeta wrote:

nope cos if he is paying 60% he has a 20% hold on her.

He can then always say, that its unfair he pays more for the same benefits she gets.

Bills should be split down the middle, anything else is unfair on one person regardless of wages.

Sorry to go off topic but that situation only works where both couples have a good income. If I was to do this with my girlfriend she would have hardly any cash for herself at the end of the month. Relationships shouldn't be about numbers or %'s! Just my opinion!

Manny7

Vegeta wrote:

nope cos if he is paying 60% he has a 20% hold on her.

He can then always say, that its unfair he pays more for the same benefits she gets.

Bills should be split down the middle, anything else is unfair on one person regardless of wages.

I disagree - if the salaries are 60/40 then it's not a big issue, but say the salary split is 90/10? Even though one is earning much more we should keep to the lifestyle we'd have if we both earned the same (lower) salary? It's nothing to do with having a "hold" over someone, it's purely that I want to enjoy my salary and I want my wife to too.

theTinker

the very best of luck with ur breaking off/changing it OP, I hope it goes really smmoothly for you but regardless im sure it will be better than now.

The Corinthian

moneybags wrote:

No. Not at all. I earn 60g and he earns 75g. So not a huge difference. Not so much that he is supporting me in any way.
He wants me to gt a job so I can be out of the house leaving him to relax and watch telly in peace all night. Of course if i did get another job the house wont clean itself or the food cook itself so having me in the house is probably tolerable on these points.

Ok, glad that’s cleared up. Yes. He is a wanker. Get rid of him.

Manny7 wrote:

Would it not be fairer to work out the amount that needs to go into the joint every month and then split this based on the two salaries relative to each other? So if you earn 40k and he earns 60k, you put in 40% of the funds in the joint. If you're earning less than him it's only fair to put less into the joint, this is how we do it and it works out fine.

It's not very fair if someone pays 40% and owns 50% though.

Manny7

The Corinthian wrote:

Ok, glad that’s cleared up. Yes. He is a wanker. Get rid of him.

It's not very fair if someone pays 40% and owns 50% though.

That's marriage

I agree with the first point though

Chinafoot

Manny7 wrote:

I disagree - if the salaries are 60/40 then it's not a big issue, but say the salary split is 90/10? Even though one is earning much more we should keep to the lifestyle we'd have if we both earned the same (lower) salary? It's nothing to do with having a "hold" over someone, it's purely that I want to enjoy my salary and I want my wife to too.

I think situations can be very different when married. Often the money becomes both your money and bills etc are paid out of that.

For a couple who have been together 3 years the situation is quite different.

Ickle Magoo

We put all monies in our joint bank account & split it 50/50....and I don't work anymore, so it's just his money now. We discuss any big purchases but neither of us would tell the other not to get something.

OP, your b/f sounds very controlling & very mean. I think you need to talk to him about whatever issues within your relationship you are not happy with. If you try to talk with him & he won't discuss then you have to sit down and think about whether you want to be in a relationship that is so controlled by your partner...best of luck

Angels

Moneybags Come on how the hell are you putting up with this?? A relationship I believe should be 50/50. Now in saying this if his is earning more than you than he should be putting in the extra money not you!!

Especially if your handing over money for the mortgage and other things. It doesn't have to be like this & sorry if i sound harsh but any other woman in her right mind would not put up with this man.

Deep down do you really love him enough to put up with this ??

The Corinthian

Manny7 wrote:

That's marriage

Sounds more like prostitution.

metrovelvet

I currently own about 4 tops that I can wear and they are falling apart. I cant go shopping because the grief Ill get after just aint worth it. i know he will come in a few weeks with a €300 coat or something but he will need it and that's that.

A man who can watch you walk around with clothes falling apart and not only be a tighwad, but also give you grief for buying clothes does not care about you. You are a housemaid who gives him sex.

He's a piece of ****.

The first thing you do, stop cleaning the house.

Move into another part of the house.

Cheat on him and get laid with someone who respects you.

Dump his cheap ass.

Judes

The kind of anger and resentment you are feeling has been escalating over time - and it sounds like this money issue has killed the love. I don't think you can ever forget these feelings and it doesn't sound like it's going to improve. If you're being constantly lectured about spending/looking out for your family etc. then it sounds to me like he's a bit of a control freak and he lives by the rules of "do as I say" not "do as I do". Do you really need that? I was in a situation like that in a relationship years ago - he was earning triple what I was earning - and I paid half mortgage and half all bills and did nearly all of the housework. I was lectured on spending anything at all on myself - whilst he bought the best of everything for himself. So your story is bringing back a lot of memories. In the end I thought - I do deserve better than this and I left. At that time it was the UK - negative equity on the house, so selling it would have been a waste of time - there would have been nothing do divide - so I cut my losses - I didn't get a penny for the house, I lost a lot of money on it - but you know what - I got my sanity back. It was the best thing I ever did - and the more I look back on that time of my life the more I think what an idiot I was to put up with it and feeling so demoralised. So as much as you're probably hoping to hear lots of encouragement and positive comments the truth is this relationship is over, you know it. Please walk away ........... you won't look back. J

jesus_thats_gre

Manny7 wrote:

Would it not be fairer to work out the amount that needs to go into the joint every month and then split this based on the two salaries relative to each other? So if you earn 40k and he earns 60k, you put in 40% of the funds in the joint. If you're earning less than him it's only fair to put less into the joint, this is how we do it and it works out fine.

This is slightly retarded tbh..


To the OP.. Do you split 50/50? You mention that he wants you to pay more than you have to.

Surrender

This joint bank a/c stuff is nonsense. Dump this twat. Nobody deserves that sh*te. The guy seems to have FA respect, make sure ya rob the git blind before ya go, teach him a lesson

LegacyUser

If you were a man I'd be telling you to GROW SOME BALLS. Aren't you able to stand up for yourself? As long as your meeting financial obligations, i.e. meeting mortgage repayments/paying bills etc I genuinely can't fathom why YOU can't spend YOUR money in whichever way you choose.
Today 11:59

This is a fair point and I accept that i have been in Beruthials words "a doormat". I have woken up so much in the last day or two, you wouldnt believe it.
Now Im not defending the fact that I have been far too soft. I always believed that it was "for the greater good" of the relationship. I never minded buying Dunnes clothes and to be frank I see nothing wrong with Dunnes clothes at all! Its just when I looked at his clothes in comaprision to mine and thought about all the other little mememe elements of the relationships. I dont mean to sound shallow btw, the clothes are only a part of it.

He is a very manipulative guy and noone would understand this. In the pub, he never shirks his round btw - Mr nice guy, but when we out he will suggest i dont drink for the night and then let me know, not even by saying anything, that i am wasting money in drink. All this with a pint in his hand! But somehow he makes it seem he is right and thats why i sound like a weak person.
No more. Ill smack his chops if i dont get a fair play from him. Hes not dealing with miss doormat anymore.

johnny_adidas

to be honest i think its very unfair that he is forcing his will upon your purchases esp with the pot & kettle syndrome that is evident. If you really love him then it's worth trying to talk it out with him. that's the real question that you need to answer. and if he loves you he should not be putting you in these situations, maybe if you explain your point of view to him, he might not even be noticing he is doing it.
i wouldnt be charging off dumping him cos someone here said so, at the end of the day, people on here dont know you or your boyfriend or the relationship you have other than what you have posted. just remember that its your life and comments here should be treated as positive and negative advice with the final decision being yours.
In my relationship i pay all the bills, cars(my previous car which she drives now and my own) & mortgage(in my name only) and my partner pays for the weekly shopping. im fairly happy with this arrangement, i earn a lot more than her, say 90/10 so i help her out when she is short money. also she is in college most of the year and we have a 2 yr old which means she has very little time to work. however similar to the situation with you and your bf, i rarely bring her for dinner more down to a genuine lack of funds, but i do treat her to extravagant presents at special occasions and when i have extra i try to bring her somewhere nice or go for a family day out. she does get onto me at times that i never do this and never buy her anything etc but at those times i honestly dont have the funds. i had thought this made me fairly stinghy but now i feel a bit better after listening to your story.
also surprised other people hadnt picked up on the fact that u earn a fairly sizable wage at 60k and should have no problem getting a mortgage on your own. also begs the question how large is the current mortgage if you are both 'broke' with a combined wage of 135k. for the majority of people a wage of 60k alone would offer a comfortable standard of living with plenty left over for impulse buying.

swiss

I agree with what most people have said, based on what you say the guy sounds like a sponge. Congratulations on dumping him, maybe he will eventually realise what value his money was all along.

Black Swan

Moneybags wrote:

he buys clothes:
€250 pair of shoes
€150 pair of jeans
€130 top
€300 coat

Sounds like you are dating Prince Charles? With a 30 euro limit on your spending for clothes, he obviously is not treating you like the former Diana.

I am starting to think that I do not want to spend the rest of my life with someone like this. Hes selfish ... He is his own number one priority.

Sounds like you answered you own question?

event

you earn €60,000 a year and he makes you shop in pennys or dunnes?

is he for real?

Marksie

moneybags wrote:

Hes so gone. Ive been a complete fool and when i am and he gets another girl, i hope she kicks his ass into shape. I was too blinkered by what i thought was love.

I think you knew in your heart of heart . and i do mean that nicely.

When i first saw the title i thought uhoh is this " he doesnt spend enough on me"
However, as i read on it was obvious that you had been taken for a ride.

I, Once again, am in complete agreement with beruthiel over setting up a separate account etc. If the relationship was worth saving

You have so much going for you and you are exactly right to end it now IMO. Make sure to get your dues, if you have paid more than your fair share into the mortgage make sure that you get the relevant percentage back from when you sell the house.
Best of luck and best wishes

Miss Fluff

event wrote:

you earn €60,000 a year and he makes you shop in pennys or dunnes?

is he for real?

I actually wonder if the OP is for real tbh. Talk about being a doormat.

michaelanthony

When you buy stuff for you, are you spending his money.

milod

moneybags wrote:

Hes so gone. Ive been a complete fool and when i am and he gets another girl, i hope she kicks his ass into shape. I was too blinkered by what i thought was love.

Well done girl - I love a happy ending :rolleyes:

But you are 100% right. It sounds to my (partially trained) ear like your 'soon to be ex' has a personality disorder. A person with a mild abusive personality often disguises their controlling behaviour as concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions, e.g. shopping choices.

Such a person may be angry or upset if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., or may question you closely about where you were, or why you did something he/she was not involved in.

As this behaviour gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, or how you spend your time or money. Such a person may even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalise you for making the wrong ones.

Does this sound familiar? because it defines the classic symptoms and believe me it only gets worse without treatment - if he does get another girl - she'll need to be a psychotherapist or ball-breaker!

MojoMaker

Unfortunately I'm 99% positive this thread is a troll. Nobody on 60k let alone 135k describes themselves as 'broke'. Nobody on 60k goes around in rags and has only 4 tops in their wardrobe, especially a female. Add to that the "I've just dumped him" comment, just a few mins after reading a handful of Internet responses. Classic stuff!

It's another 'look at me' thread sadly :rolleyes: