Tight-fisted boyfriend

Marksie

MojoMaker wrote:

Unfortunately I'm 99% positive this thread is a troll. Nobody on 60k let alone 135k describes themselves as 'broke'. Nobody on 60k goes around in rags and has only 4 tops in their wardrobe, especially a female. Add to that the "I've just dumped him" comment, just a few mins after reading a handful of Internet responses. Classic stuff!

It's another 'look at me' thread sadly :rolleyes:

I am new here...whats a troll? Apart from something big and ugly that hides under bridges?

eth0_

That's not being tight-fisted...that's emotional abuse.
Someone like that is not likely to change. I would cut my losses and get out of that relationship. It doesn't sound like you're happy with any facet of the relationship.

LegacyUser

I actually wonder if the OP is for real tbh. Talk about being a doormat.

Yes. Im having a laugh. Its a total side splitter to sit down on my lunch hour and do even more typing instead of going for a walk on a day like today. I may have been his doormat but Im not yours. Talk about being unhelpful and a keyboard warrior.


But you are 100% right. It sounds to my (partially trained) ear like your 'soon to be ex' has a personality disorder. A person with a mild abusive personality often disguises their controlling behaviour as concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions, e.g. shopping choices

Exactly. He made it sound like it mattered terribly that "we" didnt spend any more than we had too. getting a house and all the furniture is expensive and running the car and all the bills. He always made it sound like he was under huge financial pressure and every penny counted and I was almost going against us if I spent anything.
Miss Fluff, that is more what I meant. Iwasnt being nasty.

His behaviour is summed up perfectly in your post milod.

Chinafoot

MojoMaker wrote:

Unfortunately I'm 99% positive this thread is a troll. Nobody on 60k let alone 135k describes themselves as 'broke'. Nobody on 60k goes around in rags and has only 4 tops in their wardrobe, especially a female. Add to that the "I've just dumped him" comment, just a few mins after reading a handful of Internet responses. Classic stuff!

It's another 'look at me' thread sadly :rolleyes:

She didn't say she had just dumped him. She said he's gone, as in she is planning to dump him. She's quite clealry been annoyed by this for a long time and possibly just needed some reassurance that she was right in her decision.

As for her finances, how do you they don't have massive amounts of debt that they are paying off? How do you know how big their mortgage is? How do you know how much their bills are? How do you know she didn't mean she had 4 tops for going out/special occasions/getting dressed up?

Oh wait...you don't.

OP: I say fair play to you.

stakey

going by the title I had higher hopes for this thread... /me gets mind out of the gutter

unnameduser

sounds like a bad situation. First of all id give him a chance to pull his socks up and tell him exactly how it should be. IE Both split bills etc and after that keep his nose in his own business. Give him a chnace to accept and implement that and if not give him the boot

LegacyUser

You'll have to let us know what happens!

Keano

Moneybags all I will say is that before you leave the pr**k have your bags packed and let him see them when he arrives home or let him see you packing. I wouldnt even give him a chance to explain or say he will change. He will say all the good stuff. Just go stay with friends or family and if they think he is nice then a few home truths will soon get them onside. If they dont support you then just stay in a hotel for a few nights.

I think all will agree with me that if you need to let off some steam there is always someone here to help! I know I sound like the samartins but no one should be put down and have to live like you have to.

Keano

unnameduser wrote:

sounds like a bad situation. First of all id give him a chance to pull his socks up and tell him exactly how it should be. IE Both split bills etc and after that keep his nose in his own business. Give him a chnace to accept and implement that and if not give him the boot

He does not deserve a chance. No way. He will just return his old ways. A leopard cant change his spots

Beruthiel

MojoMaker wrote:

Unfortunately I'm 99% positive this thread is a troll. Nobody on 60k let alone 135k describes themselves as 'broke'. Nobody on 60k goes around in rags and has only 4 tops in their wardrobe, especially a female. Add to that the "I've just dumped him" comment, just a few mins after reading a handful of Internet responses. Classic stuff!

It's another 'look at me' thread sadly :rolleyes:

Look Mojo
You've been posting in this forum long enough to know that we do not appreciate comments on whither a thread is a troll or not. Even if it is, we still deal with the problem as it could infact help other members.
B

Keano

Ever think MOJO that they could have bought a big house that he wanted and she just went along with because she loved him? So they get a big house with a serious big mortage that even with all their money is still a big amount??? It is possoble in this day and age!!

jhegarty

If he doesn't let you spend any money, where does it go?

Do you have big saving ?

Or does he take your money ?

theTinker

i would love a fast forward button on life so i could see what happens with this. im checking every few mins for updates lol. keeping my fingers crossed for u moneybags.

LegacyUser

We have a mortgage of about 500g so its a fair whack every month. We have paid for the furniture along the way as well and had a holiday and a couple of weddings so its been a very expensive year.


If he doesn't let you spend any money, where does it go?

Do you have big saving ?

Or does he take your money ?


I honestly dont know where it goes. I seem to be handing it out hand over fist. I save every month but between the deposit and fees and all the cost involved in setting up is something you dont realise till you are paying it out.
I loved him and will do so inthe future and did go along with most of what he said because his ideas were always the best.
Ive been mulling this over but last night with my sister was the straw that broke it. I really think he would see her in the gutter as long as it did not affect him and his litttle kingdom. This what gave the final push to a germinating idea. Im not a troll at all. Thanks for all the support here from everybody. (now that sounds mememe!) I really appreciate the thoughts and advice fowarded and I will post an update when the dust settles a bit.
Im dreading the evening thats going to be in it but Im not afraid of him anymore. Not that I ever was.

Little-Devil

I think all this anger has probably being building up for months now with you and he sounds like a selfish pr*ck if you ask me. He is dicktating everything you both do with your money and how you spend ( almost bullying you i would say ) if he is earing more then you why would he ask for more knowing that he earns more. I'd like to know what he is spending the extra money on myself. I would say as well fairplay to you for lending your younger sister who is in her mid 20's €100, but for him to lose the head and salg her off is quite funny, when you say he is always lending his brother who is in his 30's ? I thought by the time you reach your mid twentys you never rely on your folks again Do you have a joint bank account?

This is what i think, i would say go a spending spree this weekend and see what his reaction is, then tell exactly how you feel, because you sound your coming to the end and give him 1month to clean up his act.

I personally think you would be better off without him. I would never talk to a girl like that and expect her to hand over so much and have so little to spend on her self come the end of the month. Who for the 4weeks of the month, 5days a week, 8hrs a day. Who's pockets are you filling his or yours? I understand the cause of living these days

I really dont know what else to say, if i was you i would just pack my bags and go.:(

Strokesfan

That scenario is my idea of HELL!!! He has more expensive clothes than you! He has totally double standards! You have discovered you are with a bit of a monster I think, I know I sneak my shopping bags in but my money is my money and even a bit of his is mine Hahaha (no I'm fair seriously)
Talk to him and if he's not having it, I'd give him an ultimatum, he will make your life miserable. Me and my boyf don't earn much but we often enjoy dinner. I bet your fella still has his drinking money carefully allocated!
I'm enraged FOR you

The Sweeper

jhegarty wrote:

If he doesn't let you spend any money, where does it go?

Do you have big saving ?

Or does he take your money ?

Actually this is an interesting question. You get paid into your account, you half-up on the expenses and then he doesn't let you spend your money. Does this mean you have a load of savings to fall back on, or have you been literally conned into parting with all of your money?

By the way, I wouldn't give him a second chance. His attitude appears to be all about control, not about money. Telling you what you can and cannot do with your cash is him trying to control you, and you paying attention to that is him managing to control you. If you settle down in a big way with this guy, and you have a child and give up working, he will literally be able to hold you prisoner.

Do you want to live your life like that?

jhegarty

Miz Moneybags wrote:

I honestly dont know where it goes. I seem to be handing it out hand over fist. I save every month but between the deposit and fees and all the cost involved in setting up is something you dont realise till you are paying it out.

Sorry to be only one looking at the other side... are you saying he takes all your money (didn't read that your op) or that even though he won't let you spend anything all your money is still gone ?

If so then it sounds like maybe you have a problem with spending....of course if he is taking your money then chuck him without a second though.....

Chucky the tree

To Op:


Your fella sounds like a legend. Does he have a newsletter i can subscribe too?

secret_squirrel

OP - instead of moving out yourself you should consider asking him to.

It will put you in a stronger position on what you want to do with the house.

Seraphina

go on a spending spree before you dump him... just to piss him off

turbot

To the OP, I'm wondering if you're telling the whole story.

Are you really the manipulated little girl you'll have us believe?

Have you broached the subject with your boyf prior to asking the boards populace?

You're better of sorting it out carefully and amicably, especially if there is property involved, instead of just walking out, btw.

Huggles

Any update OP???

The_Conductor

Any update?
Hope you're ok.

LegacyUser

Im just back from a lovely little holiday so I haven’t had a chance to update yet. Here goes.

I spent the rest of the day after I left PI making a list of all the things that really upset me. I put everything down on it and to when everything was down, it looked like he was a bit of a psycho. To be fair, I know in my heart and soul he is not as bad as what was on paper. What looks to be one thing on paper is another in the real world. There are some very good qualities in his character along with the issues that I had with him.

Sorry, Im blathering. I went home and if Im honest I was terrified. He says he had no idea this was coming and he thought I had flipped my lid completely! I bought a packet of cigarettes on the way home and puffed all the way there. I had given them up before because….you guessed it! Too expensive! He smelt them off me the minuet I walked in and gave out about them but he does hate smoking so quite right.
I didn’t do anything till later on in the evening as I couldn’t think of anyway to approach it without sounding petty or full of hate. When I was posting I was really angry, I was hammering the keys! But when I got home I had calmed down a lot and Im not great at confrontation anyway.
When I did start talking he acted like he couldn’t believe his ears at what I was saying. I brought him upstairs and opened the 2 sides of the wardrobe and started taking out the clothes and lay outing them on the bed. I did a quick cost count on a fair portion of clothes and presented the difference. I went into the spare room and opened my bank account on line and showed him all the transaction going out to his account and asked him to open up his account and show me exactly where the money was going. I wanted every penny accounted for.

I could write a book on how the next few days went. But the short of it is we are over in a manner that came as quite a surprise. I showed him my list and went through everything. Everything was disputed and fought over but I think now, I am not trying to sell him my opinions and trying to get him to agree with me. This is what I think and I have a mind capable of coming to these conclusions myself. He does not agree with a lot but there is also a lot he cannot deny.
I went away for a few days and now am back in the house. He has agreed to move out as I am not the only one who has destroyed everything. He is devastated and I have to say it gives me no pleasure to see him this way. Its like he has crumbled. I know he is angry, try raging with me and I am sure a storm is whipping up but for the moment I have too much to do to worry about it. Im sad and tired and I just read Chrissys thread on having kids and the thoughts of going out there again are just horrific.

I have to get the house sorted and find somewhere new and all that and there’s still a lot of talking to do to bring this to a close. But for now, its late night shopping for me tonight and that’s as far as I’m thinking at the moment. I could care less anymore. I haven’t even told my mother because I really don’t know how to. She does not live in Ireland so it’s not a huge issue for me right now. I am muddiling along for the time being and trying not to feel angry and deceived and sad and happy and like a madwoman really!

Thanks for all your help and suggestions. I’ll update in a few weeks because I may be over in the legal forum fighting about the house! I dont see a point in hating each other and really I dont have the energies for it but Im a different person a little bit from who I was so I am not easy. I have hurt his feelings as well and destroyed his dreams so I must take responcibility for this insofar as is my concern to his well being. Why would i do this? Because I am not like him.I must be balanced and kind , not bitter and cheated. I have many blessings and now is a good time to start counting them. And drinking rum. Lots of rum!
GB

Vegeta

I have to say i still don't get what happened here.

could someone give me a summary

Nevyn

Vegeta, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
This is not a soap oprea where you get a wrap of events.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Vegeta

Thaedydal wrote:

Vegeta, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
This is not a soap oprea where you get a wrap of events.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

I asked about the specific topic and i wasn't insulting anyone, there are a lot of pages here since i posted last and don't have time to read the longer posts.

EDIT: I was asking a serious question. The former couple fought about money. Organising money is a big part of a marriage. It just doesn't add up to me. If the OP was paying half the bills and was not allowed by her BF to spend her money, she'd have quite a bit of savings. I dunno I just am not getting a clear picture.

Beruthiel

Vegeta wrote:

EDIT: I was asking a serious question. The former couple fought about money. Organising money is a big part of a marriage. It just doesn't add up to me. If the OP was paying half the bills and was not allowed by her BF to spend her money, she'd have quite a bit of savings. I dunno I just am not getting a clear picture.

Stop taking this thread off topic and go read it again.

Miz Money Bags
You did the right thing and I wish you all the best for the future.

I have hurt his feelings as well and destroyed his dreams so I must take responcibility for this

Don't guilt trip yourself, you did not destroy his dreams, he did that to himself with his behavour. Keep that in mind.

Vegeta

so after reading all the posts

if i was to give honest advice, not just "there, there, he was a bastard, there's plenty more fish in the sea" empty advice i would say don't let your next relationship get as far along if you are unhappy about money arrangements.

Plenty of people here will say your BF was a pr1ck etc etc but you need to gain some respect and realise no-one (especially someone you are in a relationship with) gets to disrespect or belittle you anymore.

As said in the previous post (which is somehow off topic :rolleyes: ) money is very important in a long term relationship/marriage. You have to decide with your next partner early on what suits you both best.

On the upside you must have a load of savings to spend

HJ Simpson

Well done hope you sort the house out without to much trouble.
Sorry seen this one a little late. Myself and my fiance share our mortgage/bills in proportion to our earnings. She ears a lot more
than I do but this way we both have money for when we want to
go out.

Good luck in the future. Dont go moving out of the house until its
sorted.
Regards
HJS

ams

Wow - what a saga. Started reading this the other night and it was like a book I couldn't put down!

Best of luck and hope everything works out ok for you.

Miss Fluff

Miz Money Bags wrote:

But for now, its late night shopping for me tonight and that’s as far as I’m thinking at the moment. ........ And drinking rum. Lots of rum!
GB

Good start

MojoMaker

Vegeta wrote:

I have to say i still don't get what happened here.

could someone give me a summary

Two people that unconsciously didn't really like each other got together in order to pool their financial muscle in the acquisition of a house. As the months and years went by they were so focused on the purchase and maintenance of the precious asset there was little time to realise that they were inherently unsuitable - but there were bills to pay and a house to admire. Slowly but surely the OP tired of the avaricious & materially-founded relationship and began to seek independent opinions. After a considerable period of being treated like a doormat by a passive-aggressive partner she had enough and pulled the plug on the relationship. The matter now appears to be over and the OP is unlikely to make the same mistake again in a hurry.

There was also something about rum, but I think it was off-topic.

aidan24326

Moneybags,

Pleased to see this ended with you dumping him. Only read this thread today. You obviously knew it was the right thing to do anyway and posting here was merely to have that reinforced by seeing dozens of others assure you of your making the right decision according to the info. you imparted on these pages. Reading your OP it screamed from the screen that you were with someone who liked being being able to control you and who was inherently selfish. I feared this would end as it so often does with a conclusion of 'ah we had a chat he promised it'll be different in future blah blah etc.' you know the rest. He doesn't sound like someone who would have wanted to change or who would have been able to for that matter. I'm just a little surprised it took you so long to figure it out. Love is blind indeed. Be thankful you got out of it now anyway before it went too far i.e ring on the finger, kids etc. All the best.
Aidan.

chump

aidan24326 wrote:

Moneybags,

Pleased to see this ended with you dumping him. Only read this thread today. You obviously knew it was the right thing to do anyway and posting here was merely to have that reinforced by seeing dozens of others assure you of your making the right decision according to the info. you imparted on these pages. Reading your OP it screamed from the screen that you were with someone who liked being being able to control you and who was inherently selfish. I feared this would end as it so often does with a conclusion of 'ah we had a chat he promised it'll be different in future blah blah etc.' you know the rest. He doesn't sound like someone who would have wanted to change or who would have been able to for that matter. I'm just a little surprised it took you so long to figure it out. Love is blind indeed. Be thankful you got out of it now anyway before it went too far i.e ring on the finger, kids etc. All the best.
Aidan.

I'd agree with much of this.
It appears you made the right decision.

But I have to ask the question - if you had put your foot down 2 or 3 years ago do you think he could have changed?

Sometimes people get away with murder without even realising they are and then feel embittered when they are called on it. (eg. culturally influenced polygamy)

LegacyUser

Oh Mojomaker, for thou are hard heart!

Two people that unconsciously didn't really like each other got together in order to pool their financial muscle in the acquisition of a house. As the months and years went by they were so focused on the purchase and maintenance of the precious asset there was little time to realise that they were inherently unsuitable - but there were bills to pay and a house to admire. Slowly but surely the OP tired of the avaricious & materially-founded relationship and began to seek independent opinions. After a considerable period of being treated like a doormat by a passive-aggressive partner she had enough and pulled the plug on the relationship. The matter now appears to be over and the OP is unlikely to make the same mistake again in a hurry.

There was also something about rum, but I think it was off-topic.



Your synopsis of our relationship is accurate enough to be insulting. you are the one who accused me of being a troll right?
listen to me.

my "focus" was never about the purchase of the house. My focus was about building towards a future where I could enjoy life without havingto worry about thte next cheque or the next gas bill. My focus was building a future with my husband and children that allowed me to have a life as well. not that when we got to the 2nd child that I would have to stop working because we could not afford the childcare. I i wanted to have a life as well as have a career.

i entrusted my future to someone that i loved and it went belly up on me due to my blind trust inthis mand. Who, by the way is not an ogre, but just a completly selfish person. i can get over this ( for the moment) but i will not have you belittle our years togeatherr by letting you say we never really liked each other. We did, or at least I did and we had some wonderful times togeather. Noone knows a relatiojnship unless they are there. Yes, I posted on a board asking for back up but it does not give an insight to the person he is really. I will never be fooled again and Beruthials advice seems a little older and wiser than is adverage for these boards.

Im in turmoil over this. Now I have ruined my chances of having children for god knows how long. Maybe ever. If I thoiught I would be childless over ending this relationship I would give it very serious consideration about trying to change him. futile cause maybe.


So Mojomaker. Tell me what I should do. i will have no lover, no house and no children. I have to imagine life without him and step over the plate. What do you suggest i do? How does one summon the strength to o on? I know I have done the right ting but what lies ahead?

Time for more rum I think!

metrovelvet

Be a bitch. Sell his stuff on Ebay.:D

the_syco

Ms MONEY BAGS wrote:

i entrusted my future to someone that i loved and it went belly up on me due to my blind trust inthis mand. Who, by the way is not an ogre, but just a completly selfish person. i can get over this ( for the moment) but i will not have you belittle our years togeatherr by letting you say we never really liked each other. We did, or at least I did and we had some wonderful times togeather. Noone knows a relatiojnship unless they are there. Yes, I posted on a board asking for back up but it does not give an insight to the person he is really. I will never be fooled again and Beruthials advice seems a little older and wiser than is adverage for these boards.

Im in turmoil over this. Now I have ruined my chances of having children for god knows how long. Maybe ever. If I thoiught I would be childless over ending this relationship I would give it very serious consideration about trying to change him. futile cause maybe.


So Mojomaker. Tell me what I should do. i will have no lover, no house and no children. I have to imagine life without him and step over the plate. What do you suggest i do? How does one summon the strength to o on? I know I have done the right ting but what lies ahead?

Time for more rum I think!

Woah. A lotta hate, just there. You say he's not an ogre, but just a completly selfish person, yet for most of us, its one of the same. I only read the 1st post, and the last page, and I'll say I'm glad you split with him. I don't know why you've any less reason for not being able to have kids, but maybe a missed a post. If its cos you left him, well, there's plenty more people on the planet, and tbh, would you really want such a tight-fistted c*nt being a father to your kids? If he was like this to you, he'd be proberly worse to the kids, and then you'd be up sh|t creek, as you wouldn't be able to leave him as easily.

Or have I read this wrong? Was the plan to get a house, kids, and happily ever after? Well, the latter was going down the sink, and if he spent lots of money on himself, I don't think he could be saving much for the house, so I'd say: find fellow single women from your place of work, and go hunting for guys. Have fun, and start again. Not back to the drawing board, just this time look with your head, as well as your heart.

LUNA...

Ms Money Bags

Reading your last post, I really feel for you. Well done for having the strength to break away and to make a new start. From experiance I know how hard it is to take that last step, even if it is the right thing to do.
I really hope everything works out for you.
Take care.

MojoMaker

The focus of *way* too many Irish people in the last few years is getting their grubby mitts on a house at all costs. This has resulted in some very surprising partnerships, couples or otherwise. I didn't mean to be insulting.

Re-reading your posts on this topic it's clear you had a materially-focused relationship. This isn't always necessarily a bad thing, but a purist might argue otherwise. You've spent a lot of time in that relationship and I wouldn't necessarily call it time wasted. You're young enough to have several more important relationships, so I'd hardly worry about 'where you go from here'. Of course you might lose the precious house, but there are plenty of other ones out there to fret over...in time.

Find yourself again first.

mar 25

Hi im Irish dont know what you are but if someone did that to me i would show them the door big time it's not on. He is just using you get out of there why you can and that's just my opion on it...