Obligation to parents

di11on

Right...

My dad has been a raving alcoholic his whole life. But that's probably just a symptom of far deep phycological problems rather than being the problem itself.

So now he's old and sick and sufferring the consequences of years and years of drinking and smoking and is chronically dependent, mentally and physically, on those around him, which happens to be just my mother, at the moment.

I love my dad and on his good days, he was a wonderful father and he loved his children. At the same time he would, and tried to sell the roof over his young children's head for his next drink and could be abusive at times.

So here we are, 30 years later and I'm doing my best to be a good parent and husband and so far, I think I'm doing great.

As the only child still living in Ireland, the pressure is on from my mother and father, to be the loving son and come out and ''look after'' my dad. To show I care... to give him some company... in essence, he's looking for emotional capital from me that I just don't have to give.

I'm trying my best to be a good father and husband, but now, as he suffers the consequences of years of abuse of his own body I'm expected to be the support to my dad that he never was to me.

It's strange. I feel guilty for finding it so hard to give. I love him, but I resent him for putting this obligation on me. Not only was he, at times, a very negative psycological factor at the most vunerable stage in my life, but now that I'm on my own two feet he's looking for me to be the super caring son that I just feel I can't be.

It's such a conflict - he is my father after all, but I just don't feel able to give what I'm being asked to give, and I feel I should.

The only solution I can think of is to emmigrate.

I don't know if I sound harsh - but it's honestly how I feel.

It's not enough that I was disadvantaged while growing up, but the saga continues. It feels unfair. You look at those around you whose parents are a positive influence in their life, contributing and helping, but for me, it's the opposite.

What do people think?

Ickle Magoo

Could you not say something to him - along the lines of your post? I'm sure he would have to acknowledge that you have very good reson for not wanting to be the dutiful son...it must be a very hard situation to be in, best of luck.

di11on

That would probably be a whole lot more contructive than my current approach of running from the situation!

Although, my dad is so emotionally fragile that anything that could possible be contrued as being something negative will send him into a downward spiral and the phone will be ringing for a week.

LadyJ

OP,I am no expert on this kind of matter but all I will say is this:

My aunt and my grandmother never got along too well,for many reasons. When granny got old and sick,the responsibility of looking after her sort of just fell upon my aunt.

Now,she had a job and a family and didn't really have the time for anything else,nor did she see why she should have to do it. However,she decided that she would do it anyway and she spent around six years nursing my granny,until she (my granny) eventually died.

Even though they were the worst of enemies throughout most of their lives together,over the last six years of my granny's life,they really reconciled in a big way.

I think,when you are looking after a dying parent,and you are feeding them,changing them,cleaning them etc.,you really begin to see the more human side of them,as you are seeing them in their most vulnerable form.

Maybe looking after your father could turn out to be a really good thing for you.

vandermeyde

you really need to sit down with your parents and explain to them how you feel firstly about your relationship with your father and secondly how you now have your own responsibilities to wife/kids and how they come first.

you probably feel like if might be too late for this but I think its better to at least try (even if you fail) than to run away (emigrate) which will only leave you feeling worse in the long term.

Its an old cliche, but the right thing to do is normally the hardest.

Good luck anyway. Parents! :rolleyes:

Beruthiel

di11on wrote:

the pressure is on from my mother and father, to be the loving son and come out and ''look after'' my dad. To show I care... to give him some company... in essence, he's looking for emotional capital from me that I just don't have to give.

I think you need feel no pressure what so ever. They have no right to lay this guilt trip on you.
I'm sorry for your father and your mother, but seriously, would you expect your children to give up their life just to keep you happy?
I certainly would not expect my child to do it, that's not why I had her.
Go visit them often but do not feel oblidged to take it any further.
If he needs round the clock care, are there any nice nursing homes in their area that can take him a few hours a day even?
I know when my Gran got too much to handle the local nursing home took her part time to give my aunt a break.

Angels

OP, im much younger than you but in a similar situation. Im the last to move out of home feel like theres an obligation to my parents also. My father had an extremely negative influence on everything in my life, he still has. Never compliments any of us. I know he had a bad relationship with his own father which is why his relationship with all of us is terrible.

I don't think ill be there for him when he is older (an awful thing to say i know) but i don't have a relationship with him at the mo & could never find myself being oliged to care for him. In your situation it is very tough, i can only imgaine your dad is good at listening as my dad never was good at that.

Talk to him about it.

Mepperpint

Hi Di11on

I'm sorry to hear about your father's problems and the effect they had on you as a child and now as an adult.

To be honest, I don' t think there's going to be an easy way out of this for you. You could, as suggested by someone else, talk to him, but as you said, it could make things worse. And it might not change what they expect from you.

Have you tried speaking to your mother about this? She may be healthier and better able to handle it, and she might be able to deflect his attention from you and give you some breathing space and respite.

Don't let this be the deciding factor in emigrating. I moved to Ireland about 5 years ago from north America. My husband (then boyfriend) is Irish and was living in Dublin. When I left home things were very bad - my degenerate step-father was very ill and more abusive than ever, and I was working full-time to help my mother support them both. In fact, I had been working since the age of 12 to help support the family. At any rate, while I love my husband to bits and don't know what I would do without him, I do miss home and I don't know if I would have left so easily had things with my parents been better.

My mother and I have a great relationship now but I still harbour quite a bit of resentment towards her for allowing him to abuse and take advantage of me. I have told her as much since he died four years ago, and she has apologised for it all. Her apology, while completely sincere and heartfelt left me feeling somewhat blank. I thought I would feel better once she said she was sorry for allowing him to treat me so badly, but it didn't erase the pain of the past. I don't think anything will ever erase it. Just like nothing will erase the pain your father caused you and the crap he made you live through.

The bottom line is, you really have to do what is good for you, your wife and your child. You should explain this to your mother, at least, as well as your father, if at all possible. They should want the best for their grandchild, if not for you as well.

If emigrating will solve all your problems, then do it. Make sure though that in later years you won't have feelings of guilt for leaving. I still catch myelf feeling guilty sometimes for leaving my mother alone with my step-father, but those moments are fairly rare and I am always able to rationalise them away.

This is going to sound cheesy but I think you might find some good books along the lines of 'Adult Children of Alcoholics' - you may find your feelings are very common amongst adults who grew up in similar situations as yourself and you may get some good tips.

Take care and let us know how you get on

Mepp

malpas

You're in a no win situation ie, if you stay and give more time to your dad you're own family unit will suffer or conversely if you emigrate the guilt will nag away at you..here are a few thoughts from a dad with a bit of mileage on the clock..

Your dad has made his own bed..tough but true. He is responsible for his current situation which is very sad and heartrending in many ways. Sad also for your mother who has probably tried her best to keep the show on the road through all the growing up years. She needs as much help as she can and I suspect that you are being called upon to serve. Unfortunately, this is the end result of Ireland's drink-related culture and not uncommon.

Talk to both your parents and explain that you now have your own parental responsibilities as well as the usual work, financial etc pressures. Your priority is towards your partner and children and you must look after your own health and wellbeing. Tell dad you love him and reassure him that you will do as much as you can but he and your mother have to accept the limitations on your availability and the life pressures that you have. I appreciate that this is hard but give it a go and try and avoid recriminations with your dad..none of you can change the past.

I suspect you see emigration as a last resort and you don't really want to go this route. Maybe some of your siblings could come home?

Finally, it may be worth seeing what support the Health Authorities can give.
Very best of luck!:)

di11on

Thank you all so much for your comments, advice and support, it's greatly appreciated.

I suppose it's a matter of finding the right balance between compassion for an old man who is reaping what he sowed, but who is nonetheless my father, and my responsibilities as a father and husband.

Life's unfair, I guess you just play the cards your dealth with. Life is a game of poker, but you only get dealt one hand. Guess you have to be real careful how you play it.

Thanks again folks.

Black Swan

di11on wrote:

I suppose it's a matter of finding the right balance between compassion for an old man who is reaping what he sowed, but who is nonetheless my father, and my responsibilities as a father and husband.

This would be cool if you can do it.:cool:

Life's unfair

Something former US President John F. Kennedy said just before he was assassinated.

LegacyUser

di11on I have a similar situation that is beginning to rear its head.

My mother had been a heavy drinker for years and now in her early 50's is having falls, accidents, memory loss etc

She's gone very paranoid as well and cancelled all her private health care and insurances. My Dad's not around, I have brothers and sisters but only 2 of us (myself and my little sister) have anything like secure jobs. Basically the others have indicated to us they don't want to help in future and that they expect us 2 will foot the bill for any care needed.

My little sister has moved back in with her to "keep an eye" on things and I feel so guilty at not being able to help (I work abroad).

One thing I will say is that while I feel guilty I do feel I will not be stepping above and beyond the breach of duty for her. She was very abusive growing up and cost me alot emotionally and financially.
She had a good job, made lots of money on a house sale and drank the lot of it.
As an adult I am expected to deal with the repercusions of my own choices. I can't spend my life dealing with the repercusions of her choices. She mdae me suffer for 15 years, I had to raise her children for her while still a child myself and it's time I had my own life.

If I do nothing, it will haunt me. However, when the time comes I'll help as much as doesn't cost me (emotionally) and what I can afford financially without impacting on my own family. I'm not angry anymore, or bitter, but it really is a matter of survival in my opinion.

You don't say where you are but there are Al-Anon family groups around the country if you need to talk to them about things.
http://www.mentalhealthireland.ie/Mental_Health_Services_Local.asp?NationalGroupID=16

I wish you all the best with the situation and hope you can deal with things in a way that doesn't cause you any more hurt.

spurious

Your primary responsibility is to your wife and child. When you committed to be with someone and brought a child into the world they became your 'main' family.

As Beruthiel said, if your father needs care at such a level it is affecting your primary responibility, then look elsewhere for it. You are under no obligation whatsoever to adversely effect the life of YOUR family to look after your parent(s).

How is your mother managing with it? She may need your support.

atr1000

My mother had a very similiar thing happen to her and after a few years of helping, the family decided it would be best to put my grandad in an old folks home, because there he would get 24 hour care. My mother would still visit every day but the pressure of looking after him and worrying about his safety was gone. He hated the idea but it turned out he liked the place and made lots of friends there.

Have you considered putting your dad in a home?