OTT Father/daughter relationship, inlaws,etc

LegacyUser

I'm an occasional poster to this forum. Going anon for this.

I suppose I've known this for a good while but my wife really has a sort of relationship with her parents (and father, in particular) whereby she is constantly seeking praise and acknowledgement from them. It is as if she is obsessed with being the ideal daughter. Someone who has observed this situation from a distance has made this observation and feels it might be at the core of some of the difficulties I have with my wife at home.

Basically... as I see it my wife gets quite consumed with this playing the ideal daughter that I feel a bit sidelined (sorry.. not trying to play victim her or start the violins playing.. but I've been assured by a close relative of my own in confidence that this does seem to be the case).

The tough thing is that I often feel like I am in competition with my father in law as being the leading man in my wife's life. She would almost invariably take his advice on a lot of things over mine. Whatever way as a power figure he brought his kids up he demands a lot of respect and has setup a situation where whatever he says goes... on almost anything.. moral issues, political issues, opinions on neighbours ... on inlaws.

Has anyone else had to deal with this sort of dynamic ?
Someone clued in told me that as they read it ... that my wife can rely
on my approval but because of some insecurities she is constantly
trying to get her fathers. Just as a background - his parents split up
when he was very young and his mother wasn't the type to give
praise. He comes from a dysfunctional background in that regard.
Most people rise above that but I wonder if he has ...

sorry for rant.. anyone got any opinions...?

Crea

My sister was alot like this. When she was planning her wedding she was more upset when my dad critisised her choices than if her fiance did. She would constantly tell him about stuff in her life and then if he was negative she would second guess herself. It took alot of her confidence. We were all "Daddy pleasers" to some extent but most of us grew out of it as we got older and did realise that he didn't know everything.
My sister had some therapy which did her the world of good. She doesn't take his critisisms to heart and has enough confidence to stand up for herself. My Dad did come in for a hard time from her because she blamed him for all of her confidence issues and for alot of her bad choices but they got past it and she is a much happier person.
It sounds like your wife would benifit from therapy. Her Dad isn't going to change but she needs to change how she deals with him. It will probably be a tough conversation with her but if you feel it's interfering with your marriage you need to talk to her.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Crea -

Very interesting.

One thing I am curious about is how your sister came around to seeking therapy ? I'm guessing confidence issues bubbled up in some other area of her life and forced some crisis where she needed to get counselling and the whole mutual relationship between her and your dad came up in that context..

I'm not certain if my wife has had to endure much criticism from her father in the past. He can be a charming guy (but he is extremely arrogant and his opinions are given in a very fortright way and she has found a path to his approval by conforming to nearly all of his views, etc).
I suppose the phrase which really nails it for me is "significant other".
I know it is quite an American term but if I am to analyse where I fit
in with my wife .. there is a lot of times when I feel like I am really
not the SO in the relationship.

The tough part would be communicating any of this to her. If I were
to make any comments about how she and her father relate it could be taken as highly insulting by her. Obviously I would have to tread very lightly.

I have zero jealousy about her father. Really what I am noting is really
that sort of phenomenon when someone very grown up hasn't yet
gotten the confidence to go beyond the "Daddy pleaser" phase as you
put it...

Also .. I believe he demands the attention also

Gordon

Curious102, just a note on posting unregged here. When you post unregistered your post will wait in a queue for the mod to come along and approve it. So if you don't see your post you'll need to wait until a mod goes online and approves it.

Crea

Hello Curious,
My sister was always ringing the rest of the sibs crying after my Dad critisising or just being insensitive and we were the ones to tell her that she needed help to get over this. We had all been where she was but copped on when we were younger and didn't take it all so much to heart so she was willing to take the advice from us.
I know that her taking her fathers advice on current affairs/politics/neighbours over your opinion can be frustrating but is he actually pushing his views directly on your marriage?
Maybe the next time she changes her view on something you could point it out to her as a "I thought you felt this way" and bring in her fathers infuence. In order to get past this phase she needs to realise how inappropriate, childish and weak her behaviour is.

LegacyUser

In my wife's case I am not sure it is so much that her pride was ever been dented by her father's comments (or even lack of praise).
I think it is perhaps part of a sibling rivalry where she feels the need to try to maintain some kind of poll position in the estimation of her parents.

I just think the disproportionate effort she puts into this takes away from just been relaxed and feeling independent and enjoying life within the context of myself (husband) and children.
I think it is some behaviour she just never grew out of and maybe I'll just have to grow to accept it (eg, leopards don't change spots,etc)...

Beruthiel

Curious102 wrote:

I think it is some behaviour she just never grew out of and maybe I'll just have to grow to accept it (eg, leopards don't change spots,etc)...

Have you ever mentioned to her that you noticed this behaviour?

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

Have you ever mentioned to her that you noticed this behaviour?

Hi Beruthiel,

I did try once to broach the subject and I had to back off. She is very defensive about her relationship with father. I know that if the shoe was on the other foot I would listen if she had a concern but I get the impression it is like walking on eggshells and she would take it as criticism of her family were I to pursue my concerns in that area.. which is a pity....

LegacyUser

I can relate to the OP in that even though my wifes father died before I met her she still constantly refers to him and his views on pretty well everything. It seems he was a strong character and shes taken most of her opinions on life from him. On a daily basis I'll hear "as dad used to say" and what he would do in a certain situation, to the extent that I sometimes find myself wondering what he would do in a certain situation that might pop up!.
No help for the OP but you are not alone!

milod

curious102 wrote:

Basically... as I see it my wife gets quite consumed with this playing the ideal daughter that I feel a bit sidelined (sorry.. not trying to play victim her or start the violins playing.. but I've been assured by a close relative of my own in confidence that this does seem to be the case).

Hey I know exactly what you mean - you're probably not imagining it! My ex was just like this and it got to the point where I had a stand up row with both of them one evening - I even mentioned the less than healthy dynamic to my ex and asked her to seek therpy but they both looked at me like I was insane. People locked into this sort of incestuous relationship are blind to reality

Sorry to sound pessimistic, but I reckon you'll bang your head off a brick wall trying to make her see sense. I tried for many years but you can only play secon fiddle to her father for so long. Interestingly enough, the only time my ex-wife appeared willing to discuss the issue was the day I told her I was leaving...

Beruthiel

Curious102 wrote:

I did try once to broach the subject and I had to back off. She is very defensive about her relationship with father....

wow
That sounds so unhealthy for a grown adult to still have a father with such influence over her.
If you cannot make her sit down and talk, the alternative is to point it out to her every time you see the behaviour.
She'll probably snap at some stage, but maybe then she will be willing to talk.

Marksie

I was in a similar realtionship where my partner was completely controlled by her mother.
The extremely sad thing was that her mother, from the age of ten had forced her into situation where she beleived she was unnatractive and overweight.

So much so that my partner develped a serious eating disorder (That is what happens when your parent takes easter eggs given as gifts crushes them in front of you, throws them in the bin and tells you that you are fat.)

At any point where the mother was losing control, and goddess forbid, her daughter may be happy with someone else, another family secret would come out of the closet to drag her back into the net.

We moved in together and the revelation that she was a twin the other had died at birth and was now watching... was hurled out of the blue... was a classic example. Together with constant entreaties to go and marry a decent country boy who knows how to respect mothers. My partner was very defensive, in a constant emotional state and the eating disorder worsened and worsened.

There was no happy ending to this one i am afraid. The mother won.

In the end the strain told and my partner snapped and in one night this slip of a girl took her frustrations out on me in a physical way, knowing full well that it was against my nature to strike back against her ( I just turned my back and covered up). But that i could handle, it was when she turned and began, while,screaming at the top of her voice and beating her arms against ANY hard surface that I realsied i couldnt take anymore.

The point is, if you are going to try and sever the hold, you may have too be more ruthless than i was.

I dont belive i have actually told anyone of this before....
and it was a good few years ago...
I wish you all the best

secret_squirrel

marksuttonie wrote:

There was no happy ending to this one i am afraid. The mother won.

In the end the strain told and my partner snapped and in one night this slip of a girl took her frustrations out on me in a physical way, knowing full well that it was against my nature to strike back against her ( I just turned my back and covered up). But that i could handle, it was when she turned and began, while,screaming at the top of her voice and beating her arms against ANY hard surface that I realsied i couldnt take anymore.

The point is, if you are going to try and sever the hold, you may have too be more ruthless than i was.

I dont belive i have actually told anyone of this before....

I wish you all the best

Jesus Mark! I hope you have dealt with all the fallout this must have created in your life.

Goood luck to ya.

leeroybrown

I think you've already realised you'll need to tread very carefully when it comes to mentioning this subject. Anyone I've met who is strongly influenced by their family like this tends to be extremely touchy whenever anything about their family is called into question, even if just in the form very obvious gentle humour.

Marksie

secret_squirrel wrote:

Jesus Mark! I hope you have dealt with all the fallout this must have created in your life.

Goood luck to ya.

Thanks ..yes it was a good few years ago. it was obviously very bad at the time.

Wiser, stronger, still as open.. if not more so. Thankfully i turned outwards rather than inwards.