How long before you tell someone you love them?

LegacyUser

OK I know there is no "right" amount of time that has to be passed before you can tell someone that you love them, so there probably isn't much point in posting this!

Anyway I told my GF last night that I loved her. First time I've said it to anyone. We've only been going out about 5 months, but we've spent a lot of time together in that short time, and we've both had big challenges during that time which I think has brought us closer. Added to that, we've known each other about 4 years. I feel I can talk to her about anything, and I have an incredible amount of trust in her.

I suppose what I'm hoping to get is a bit of reassurance, and hoping there's somebody out there that's said something similar after just 5 months!?

AnitaMcCluskey

What did she say that has made you ask this question??? 5 months is a long time to wait before you say / hear this, from my experience! If it was 5 weeks then maybe....... but 5 months! I have never said it first but I thought it was normal after maybe 2/3 months. If I hadn't heard this by 5 months then I would be seriously thinking of leaving the relationship tbh!

Sangre

2/3 months? Are you for real?

AnitaMcCluskey

Sangre wrote:

2/3 months? Are you for real?

Eh, yeah! And I have never ever said it first! I must admit that when you hear it for the first time and you don't feel the same way, its kinda creepy but then you get use to it.

hoolio

If someone told me they loved me after knowing me for 2/3 months they would either be wrong,lying or deluded tbh. Love is a big word that many people throw around for fun, and if you ask me it's not possible to be in love with someone after a few weeks. Also no offence anita but that 5 month deadline thing is absolutely ludicrous.

Oopsy, ive always figured its just one of those things that you know when you know really. If you've known her years,been with her a fair while and you're sure you love the girl then you probably do, so theres nothing wrong with saying it. Depends of the relationshop i guess.

Am curious as to what she said back actually.

takola

Yep, I've usually heard it very early on too tbh. How did your girlfriend react OP? I wouldn't worry too much, you've known each other a long time and sound like ye've been very close in the 5 months ye've been together. And tbh, If that's how you feel then why shouldn't you tell her?

Chinafoot

AnitaMcCluskey wrote:

I must admit that when you hear it first it can be a bit creepy but then you just get use to it.

Doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship to me.


5 months is most definitely not a long time without saying it. I can't understand why people feel they need to rush things like that.

OP: As clichéd as it sounds you should tell someone you love them when you feel it's the right time. Did she react badly?

If she didn't and your relationship is still good then I really wouldn't worry about it. You shouldn't base your relationships on those of other people. Everyone is different.

AnitaMcCluskey

peachypants wrote:

Doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship to me.

Thats not just one relationship but all them. Every relationship I've been. Even been told this by a fella the first time I kissed him. Needless to say it stopped there but all my relationships have been with people I've known for years so I don't see why there is a problem saying it so early on. Because the fact of the matter is was love and they were all long term. It quite a similar situation to the OP. But this is not just me, all my friends too.

Black Swan

Really depends on the relationship. 5 months is not necessarily too long before you tell someone you love them. What's important is that you both feel the same way.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys, much appreciated. Just one thing, I didn't say it because of any "deadline", I just said what I felt.

Well, she didn't say "I love you too", but I'm not too worried. She kinda stopped for a minute, and said that someone had told her he loved her before,and she said she loved him back, but in her words he "destoyed" her. Not sure what that means but she said she'd tell me when we were both stone cold sober (we'd had about 3 drinks each last night). So that's fair enough, I know love is a big word and shouldn't be thrown around.

So if that was the bad news, here's the good news. She said she felt very very strongly for me. She said she was surprised, then I asked good or bad surprised, and she said good surprised.

To be honest I'm glad I said it, no regrets, was talking to her today (but the above didn't come up) and we were all cool.

wyndham

Sounds like a positive response so. At least she didn't say "I love spending time with you too".

Guest

peachypants wrote:

Doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship to me

Lol ha ha

dar83

wyndham wrote:

Sounds like a positive response so. At least she didn't say "I love spending time with you too".

Or "thanks".

I wouldn't say there is a time limit for it, but I definately wouldn't be saying it in the first 2-3 months, thats a bit weird. I mean you're only getting to know a person in that amount of time, seems strange to find that normal to me.

Say it whenever you feel it. When you wake up in the morning and the first thing you think about isn't how late you might be or how comfy bed is, but is of your other half. Soppy crap like that.

metrovelvet

Im not getting the time frame limitations here. If you feel it, then who cares when you say it. Is it a synchronicity issue?

Nevyn

GerardN^CS^, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

AnitaMcCluskey

So how long would any of you stay in a relationship without hearing it and not exactly knowing how the other person feels? I just presumed it was the same for everyone! Have me thinking that I'm strange and needy now!
I myself would never say it if I didn't feel it but I do know the difference between lust and love. If I was with someone and they didn't say it after six months and all they say is...... I like you so much or something like that I would begin to wonder about the relationship, if its just a bit of fun or a bit more serious. Have any of you heard it soon on in the relationship and thought it was normal like me?

Marksie

AnitaMcCluskey wrote:

Eh, yeah! And I have never ever said it first! I must admit that when you hear it first it can be a bit creepy but then you just get use to it.

not good IMO. Expressing feelings is a basic healthy requirement in relationships.

dar83 wrote:

Or "thanks".

Or yes "i love me too"

OP: the time to say it is when you feel it. Hang the consequences.
Dont overdo it though, it loses its meaning

Love2love

Ah lads, I don't think that 5 months isn't a reasonable time to know if you in a relationship for fun or something a bit more. Not saying that you can know if its "Forever" after 5 months but at least you'll know if you want to stay faithful to this person. I'm the same as Anita, I have heard it before this time and just expect it at this stage. And I do understand what she meant by it being a bit creepy, it obvious that she didn't feel the same at the time.

AnitaMcCluskey

People, people! Do none of you believe in love at first sight??? Or am I just from an age where love is a battlefield? I know life and love isn't like an old elvis movie would have us believe but seriously, you think that 5 months is too soon to hear/say this?

wyndham

There can be no defined timescale for this. It's different for every couple based on their previous relationship experience, the amount of hours spent together each week, how comfortable they are in each others company, whether they were friends first and a multitude of other factors.

Many will not feel comfortable saying it even though they feel it. And somebody always has to be the first to say it so, if you feel it and think it's mutual, why not take the leap and say it? Not in the 1st week obviously, lol, unless you are 14. Ahh, to be 14 again...

Gordon

I don't think that the problem is five months Anita, it's the fact that you are always used to a matter of around 3 months until you hear and accept it. The fact that you never have said it, considering the way you wrote it, makes it seem as if you aren't going to take the first step and say that four letter word. Which is fine, because as the OP says, it's an important word, not to be thrown around.

But what is bad for a relationship, imo, is when one side expects to hear it and the other side feels this expectation to say it. Obviously they shouldn't say it if they don't mean it, but if the other person expects to hear it then the other person should feel it, and hence - should say it.

Anita, from all of the relationships that were love at first sight, and where they told you that they loved you after a matter of a few months - what was the average amount of time that you stayed together for?

OP, glad you got a good response. Onward and upward!

AnitaMcCluskey

Shortest being 2 and half years. I seriously thought it was the same for everybody! I really feel the odd one out now. My current BF said it sooner I think and tbh I think I've met my match but if not, I'll sure be cautious next time!!!!!!

Chinafoot

AnitaMcCluskey wrote:

So how long would any of you stay in a relationship without hearing it and not exactly knowing how the other person feels? I just presumed it was the same for everyone! Have me thinking that I'm strange and needy now!
I myself would never say it if I didn't feel it but I do know the difference between lust and love. If I was with someone and they didn't say it after six months and all they say is...... I like you so much or something like that I would begin to wonder about the relationship, if its just a bit of fun or a bit more serious. Have any of you heard it soon on in the relationship and thought it was normal like me?

I certainly wouldn't put a time limit on it. Everyone is different and I personally wouldnt just say it for the sake of keeping my partner if i didn't fully mean it. I most certainly wouldn't end a relationship after a few months becuase I hadn't heard it by then. I find it particularly odd considering you say you wouldn't say it yourself first yet you'd leave someone if they didn't say it...

There is nothing wrong with saying "I like you so much" after 6 months. Maybe the person actually understands what love means and wouldn't feel right saying it at that point. That's not to say that the person won't fall in love at some point. They just might not be quite there yet.

OP: It all sounds very positive and there's nothing to worry about. Enjoy your relationship and don't over think things.

Ruu_Old

I don't get this time limit thing that some of you seem to be putting on something that could either scare away your partner or make you the winnar! Say it when you feel it and nothing more.

Fiii

Say it when it feels right! There really is no right or wrong time.
OP, give her some time. as you have said, she has been burned in the past and may be reluctant to go through that again. in time she will trust you more and feel comfortable showing herself emotionally.

My BF and I are quite unique I think in that it wasn't neccessarily 'love at first sight', but we certainly knew there was something really special going on from the moment we met.
Met in Jan 05, fell in love very quickly! Said it about 1 month later (but only because we meant it and it was very obv we felt the same way), did the long distance thing until June 05 when he moved over here, moved in together in Oct 05 and having been living in bliss ever since! to some this may seem rushed etc, but for us its right!

My point is, everyone is different, you just have to go with what feels right for your situation. do that and you can't go wrong!

good luck

F

daiixi

how very strange... if you love the person you're with then say it.. if you don't love them then why are you with them???
but then again I dont understand people who get engaged and then don't get married for a number of years either..
each to their own really I suppose...

Azureus

there is no limit, it could be a year, it could be a month. my last boyfriend said to to me after about a month and i was taken aback-too heavy, too soon. it wasnt because i didnt care for him, it was jus the circumstances of the relationship. whereas my current boyfriend said it after the same length of time and i was so pleased/suprised/over the moon that he felt that way(as he is not one to say those words lightly) it really depends! just follow your heart at the risk of sounding horribly cheesy!

Marksie

AnitaMcCluskey wrote:

Or am I just from an age where love is a battlefield?

Maybe your experiences have been that? And i dont mean that in a callous or derogatory way.
For me, I approach honestly and with a wide open heart chakra. .
Yes it does lead to getting hurt at times, but by not closing off, expressing myself and allowing my partner to express herself without fear of rejection enriches the whole relationship.
if i chose to express myself in terms of love and yet she doesnt, i do not worry that i am not loved, her actions often bely the lack words.

Too many people close off and that just becomes a self perpetuating entity.
Fundamentally therefore i reject an age where love is a battlefield.

There is a passage in one of my texts which is relevent.... its about the moving from the you to the I.

If you want your partner to be a superb lover, become one yourself. If you want to be loved, love freely and openly

BoozyBabe

In my current relationship, we declared our love for each other 2-3 WEEKS into the relationship :eek:

BUT, we'd been best friends for years & years before that, so I guess already loved each other before we started going out, it was just, now it was ok for us to tell each other.

Before this, it was 6-12 months before anything was declared.

I don't think any sort of time limit should apply. It's unique to the couple.

bugler

I wish my girlfriend would read this thread

She said it after 4 months or so. 3 months after, I have yet to say it.

I don't feel bad about it, but I think she's getting impatient (!). She has teased me in subtle ways about it, but nothing that has made me uncomfortable. I know you can't predict these things happening, but I'd like to look ahead and say "I think I'll say it sometime in the future". But I'm not sure I can.

Kell

oopsy? wrote:

OK I know there is no "right" amount of time that has to be passed before you can tell someone that you love them,

So theres your question answered then.

K-

theTinker

5 months to me would seem like a short amount of time to say this but completely reasonable, If someone said this to me after only 2-3 i would think they are just wrong... they dont know love then or most likely dont consider love the same as i do.
For u the 5 month was fine because you spent alot of time together, i did the EXACT same, 5 months on valetines because we had spent everyday that 5 months together.i thought it was short at the time even but i went with it and it was right.
funny but warming memory: at about 3 months i wanted to say sumthing like i love u but i wasnt there yet so i started saying i really like u. at 3 months it was perfect and it caught on so i heard it too

Stepherunie

I said it to my last bf after three months and he said it back the same day, really don't think there should be any time limit on it, would say it when it's right. Didn't exactly rush into it or anything, it was just something that I realised one day, he'd actually been comtemplating it a lot longer than I had.


Had a friend of mine declare his love for me and i knew that whilst i was breaking his heart not to say it back it wasn't right to lie and say it back

At the end of the day every single person is different and you feel differently about different people, with some people you'll know quickly, with others it'll take years or months. There never is too soon or too late, there only is what's right for you.

lostone

I said it for the first time to my last gf after 3 months...I thought about it for a little and if it was true....and i figure if i feel it why not say it...So i told her one night at a party while we were alone and she said it back...but we had talked about it before and she said she had never said it and didnt know at the time if she ever would or what it was really...so she never meant it when she said it back she was just sorta drunk...about 2 weeks later she said it sober outta the blue...

Jotter

isnt it mad all the unsaid rules there are regarding this!! My bf told me he loved me after 2 months together, both very hungover ! - usually this would send me running for the hills but I was thinking the exact thing as he said it so I said it back. We both kinda laughed bec it was so soon and we were relieved I guess that the feeling was mutual - hes more romantic than me I would have been a bit of a skeptic back then but were now married and I still love him just as much as I did then - puke I know!!

I think its only freaky if you say it very soon and are displaying very needy signs like omg im 36 marry me someone - then deffo id be gone!

Xiney

Seeing as my boyfriend (now husband) and I were as good as engaged within a month of meeting each other... I don't think 5 months is too early!

However, I don't think it's too late either. Relationships vary in intensity and possibly it's the slow and steady ones that have the best chance of making it and not fizzling out.

It took me 10 weeks to fall in love with my gf and to say it..

There's no way anybody can say "too soon" or "too late".

Its all relative...

Hmm_Messiah

Ok....my experience must be slightly unusual then.


I said it to my first serious girlfriend "Great Love1" ...within weeks...and then daily I guess. everytime I visited (she lived away)...I'd write a note in this journal thing I'd leave on her bed...and continued to say I loved her 9and she me) for yrs after (including after we broke up )

my first erm "boyfriend" said it to him first time we really spoke and say it now when we speak - though our rship was short lived I see love if its real as enduring -an imprint on yur soul.

And the "2nd Great Love" I actually said it before we met (in a 9 hr phone conversation), confirmed it the next day when he travelled 70 miles to see me (walking some of it) , and said it every time we communicated ever since I guess in the passed 6 yrs , and reciprocated by him - often within the biggest of rows and hurts, its often like some other voice is determined to be heard, ya know..."despite this crap I love you" .

And yea i know its a BIG word,

LegacyUser

What I don't understand is how all these people say they are in love or were in love and don't seem to understand fully what love entails or what it means. Then again, I have a fairly conservative view on love. If i say to someone I love them, I'm pretty sure they would be the person I would want to spend the rest of my life with which is why I never said it.

metrovelvet

Thats it cheesedude. No one has any idea what it means. It has to be one of the emptiest words in our language but it gets tossed around like a beanbag loaded with expectation.

People fall at different speeds. And the I love you - i guess is some demarcation of hitting the vortex, but really, no one notices in that phrase that love is a verb, which should tell us the signs of love are in the deeds and not in the verbiage.