Virgin at 28 - help!

LegacyUser

Going unreg for what will soon be obvious reasons...

I'm a 28 year old woman and virgin. Remarkable enough you might think but even worse than this I have had no sexual experience whatsoever - I have never even kissed a guy. I'm neither religious nor fat (before you leap to conclusions ). All I can say as explanation is that it's just never happened for me.

I was bullied at school and so became socially withdrawn and didn't go through all the normal teenage escapades. I did a gap year, travelled the world, and went to university but still no romantic opportunities presented themselves.

Now I have a good job and some good friends. But the secret I carry round with me is quite a burden. No-one knows and I feel this puts up a significant wall between me and my friends. I am constantly terrified that someone will suss me out. Moreover I am obviously deeply saddened that I've never had a close relationship with a man. It's a massive part of life which I have missed out on. And the older I get the more certain I feel that I can't change things.

Whenever I meet someone I like I am tortured by thoughts that it would be unfair to try and date them - not when they could have their pick of well adjusted sexually experienced women. Even if I could get over that thought I would be faced with the problem of when to reveal my secret to a prospective partner - or if ever to reveal it. To many people I'm sure my status would be incomprehensible and could only be the sign of some kind of mental dysfunction. What kind of man wouldn't run screaming?

This situation I find myself in has made me very depressed (although I do not show this externally) and at times suicidal.

There are many issues here. I guess I'm just asking for any advice on how I might break out of this. Practical or mental solutions. Or male opinions on what they would think of a *totally* inexperienced 28 year old woman. Would you ever date one?

Thanks for any advice...

King of Kings

I'll admit if i met you and you told me prior to anything happening at 28 you were still a virgin i'd think there was something odd.

But that doesn't mean it's wrong.

You don't sounds like you carry it as a badge - which is good that you don't.
"look at me i'm a virgin attitude" cheapens virginity/sex IMO.
So you're not gonna scare somebody off with the holier than thou stuff..

I think when you meet a guy you like just go with it - if he likes you he'll be cool with it...if he makes an issue or fun of it he probabaly wasn't /isn't worth it.

I think (from you post) that perhaps you've created a mental barrier in that when you are meeting a guy that you are a tad defeatist...probably with a nagging voice in your mind telling you he'd prefer a more ......etc etc...
maybe he would maybe he wouldn't.....it all the fun of finding out.

I'm afraid you may have to break out of your shell...they may be getting vibes that you aren't intersted.

BTW I have one or 2 male friends (not virgins) but haven't been intimate in years ( I mean YEARS) and I see it each time whenever girl is interested they put up barriers. They don't see it (or acknowledge it even) but I've seen it when i'm out with them. So maybe something similiar happens with you

LegacyUser

Old_Maid wrote:

Going unreg for what will soon be obvious reasons...

I'm a 28 year old woman and virgin. Remarkable enough you might think but even worse than this I have had no sexual experience whatsoever - I have never even kissed a guy. I'm neither religious nor fat (before you leap to conclusions ). All I can say as explanation is that it's just never happened for me.

I was bullied at school and so became socially withdrawn and didn't go through all the normal teenage escapades. I did a gap year, travelled the world, and went to university but still no romantic opportunities presented themselves.

Now I have a good job and some good friends. But the secret I carry round with me is quite a burden. No-one knows and I feel this puts up a significant wall between me and my friends. I am constantly terrified that someone will suss me out. Moreover I am obviously deeply saddened that I've never had a close relationship with a man. It's a massive part of life which I have missed out on. And the older I get the more certain I feel that I can't change things.

Whenever I meet someone I like I am tortured by thoughts that it would be unfair to try and date them - not when they could have their pick of well adjusted sexually experienced women. Even if I could get over that thought I would be faced with the problem of when to reveal my secret to a prospective partner - or if ever to reveal it. To many people I'm sure my status would be incomprehensible and could only be the sign of some kind of mental dysfunction. What kind of man wouldn't run screaming?

This situation I find myself in has made me very depressed (although I do not show this externally) and at times suicidal.

There are many issues here. I guess I'm just asking for any advice on how I might break out of this. Practical or mental solutions. Or male opinions on what they would think of a *totally* inexperienced 28 year old woman. Would you ever date one?

Thanks for any advice...

Would you ever date one? Yes, but its not something you ask when you start dating.

The girl I'm seeing now is the same age as you and the first time I slept with her she told me she was a virgin, I was delighted and worried as I wanted her first time to be very special. So we waited till the time was right and we had a very memorable night. I found that from this we developed a very special bond and I love her to bits. My only worry is that she may think she's missing out with me having been her only sexual partner but I know no ones better!

Time Magazine

The never been kissed thing is rare but in no way wrong. If you missed Those Teenage Escapades (TM) I'm sure you feel weird about it but really you didn't miss much.* It's like the feeling I got when I got my Junior Cert all those moons ago - "is this it?" The first kiss is daunting and all that, but absolutely nothing. In fact I don't know anyone who regretted their first kiss because it's so meaningless.

As for the virginity thing - don't worry about it! There was a poll on Boards a couple of weeks ago when people lost their virginity and one result was that 20% of us are virgins, and that includes quite a few people with spouses. Now you're probably a little older than the average voter there, and this is an internet site, so you would be in the minority but it's hardly anything worth a Personal Issues thread over .

This might sound like bad advice to some, but I'm so confident in the uselessness of one's first kiss, I'd suggest you go out on the tear some night and let some guy do his best all night. At the end, if you're happy with it, kiss him. It'd be a realisation and give you greater confidence to doing it again. If/when you get comfortable with that you're well on the way to being comfortable in a relationship.

*That said, having been with my girlfriend since I had just turned sixteen maybe I missed out on something >_>.

dixiefly

Really you should not beat yourself up over this. I think King Of Kings has given you good advice.
I am listening to a song at the moment on Capital Gold - it's called Wait Patiently For Love - you should just try to meet someone that you can get on well with. I am a guy and it makes no difference to me if someone is a virgin or not. A persons personality and approach is so much more important. If it an issue for someone you would be lucky to be avoiding them anyway.

Do the normal things, be friendly with people and treat them openly and you will meet someone. Dont just stay with the first guy if it doesnt feel right just because of this. If it feels right to have sex with him then just go for it. If you feel like telling him you are a virgin beforehand then do so. I dont think it will be an issue.

SpitfireIV

I agree with Dixiefly. I can understand where you are coming from and its not something you should be beating yourself up over. I think nowadays people look at life as 'by such an age you should have done this'....or 'by such an age you should have done that', blah blah, thats ok for the majority, but there is always the minority, and so what if you havent done anything by 28? So what if your friends find out, its non of there business for one and secondly, its nothing you should have to worry about and if it was a case that they made you feel bad about it then they arent what you'd call friends. We are all different and do things our own way, in our own time and when we want to. Just be yourself and when you do meet that special guy things will happen, and if he TRUELY loves you an issue like this shouldnt even come into it, because he should love you for who you are, not what.

Just take your time, dont force it for the sake of it, be yourself!

gandalf

First thing relax. I think its a beautiful thing that you are still a virgin. You seem to be fairly outgoing, you've done the traveling bit so I think that socially you are fine. You just need to get a hobby where you can meet more men and start to date them. Don't be in a hurry to loose your cherry either, wait until you feel its right for you.

Personally I would be a little taken aback if you told me if we were dating that you were still a virgin, but hey if I liked you it shouldn't be a problem. And if things worked out then with guy you get to date he would have the honour of helping you lose your virginity.

spanner

Yes the key is to relax, even try find things out about your body, maybe try pleasure yourself, that definately helps me relax when talking to the opposite sex.

There is currently thousands of different services that can set up to start dating. Its like going into a hot bath, just go in nice and gently and you will soon get the hang of it

manufan

I can promise you that any guy worth your time will not have a problem with you being a virgin. Yeah, he might be surprised or intrigued but if he likes you he will want to make you feel at ease about the whole thing.

Please don't let the fact that your a virgin get in the way of meeting a nice guy and doing the normal stuff like dating, kissing and eventually haveing sex when you feel ready.

Most people have something about them that holds them back in some aspect of their life so it really won't be an issue when you do meet a guy and explain the situation. You'll be fine.

Black Swan

What's the life expectancy for women today? Well into their 70's? Looking at the bright side, you have over 40 years to experience intimacy in the way you have missed thus far? So don't panic and throw yourself at the first guy that winks. Chill out and look for someone with substance.

Another positive to consider. You have a gift to offer a man someday. Something very personal and tresured. It's innocent, clean, and valued. Few man can hope for such a gift.

OK. Now for action. What do you really enjoy doing? There's got to be something that you look forward to? Reading, creative writing, theatre, film, sports, hiking, swimming, sailing, horse back riding, something that you just cannot wait to do after work or on weekends? Now, join a group that does would you enjoy to do that also has men in it. Become the most enthusiastic member of that group. Forget the man-chase thing and just be yourself. When you encounter a guy with a high level of interest in this thing you enjoy, ask him to lunch to chat about it. Lunch is not big deal, and you will not be too forward, as opposed to drinks or dinner. Maybe things will move from there? At least you will be having fun doing what you enjoy (and perhaps with someone of the opposite sex?)...;)

Laguna

There's no problem at all that you're a virgin at 28, it's society telling you there's a problem and to be honest, what does the society of today know. When you're ready and the time is right it'll happen, simple as, don't just sleep with the next man that you get the chance with.

CathyMoran

I agree that there is nothing wrong with being a virgin at 28. While I did not wait quite as long (I was still well into my 20's), I still feel that it was the right thing for me. When you meet the right man you will know. I was also fortunate enough to loose my virginity to a man who had also been a virgin so it was a wonderful experience when it happened. The people who are hastling you are just secretly jelous to be honest.

Aidan78

Hey OP,

I'm in the same boat as you almost - male, 28 and still a virgin. Have only had one relationship and that was over almost before it began. Have considered the one night stand thing but it seems a little sleazy. The idea of sleeping with someone just for the sake of losing it just doesn't do it for me. When sex does eventually happen for me, I want it to be with someone I know, who will be patient and understanding, not with someone I met a few hours previously. I had a friend who had sex last year just for the sake of losing her virginity and she felt like a tramp afterwards. Plus she developed a UTI.

I think my problem is that I'm just crap at meeting people. Was desperately shy when I was younger. Have improved a lot since, but I'd still never walk up to a girl and just start talking to her. I envy those people who can do that. I've joined the clubs, gone out socially, been introduced to people by friends, all the things that recommended to meet people, but to no avail. I find myself continuously in the situation where I'm everyone's friend, no one's boyfriend.

I admit that the whole virginity thing bothers me sometimes. I sit with my friends and listen to them harping on about what they did with their girlfriends the previous week or whatever. It's depressing as hell. I certainly don't carry the whole virginity thing around like a badge. In fact, I'm like you - I'm terrified of having people find out because at 28 you're supposed to be experienced. What depresses me even more is that most 15 year olds have more sexual experience than I have.

But I honestly believe that all is not lost. It may not happen today or tomorrow, but eventually I am sure I will meet that special someone and being an inexperienced 28 year old won't be a problem. In the meantime I just bide my time, continue with life as normal and try and not let the burden of it all weigh me down too much.

I must say though that it's reassuring to know that I'm not the only one left in the world. I've been checking out boards for the past week and was seriously thinking of posting about the problem. If there are 2 of us, OP, you can be sure and certain that there are more out there somewhere, hiding in the shadows with the same thoughts and fears that is running through both our heads.

A

Marksie

I dated a girl of 25 who was a virgin. What she gave to me was a special gift and i honoured what she gave.

As blue lagoon said, quite rightly, is that it IS a gift you will give to someone, someday. Assuredly. And the man who you will give it too will be blessed.

It would have been very esy for you to have gone to a nightclub, drunk way too much and surrendered to the first guy there. The fact that you havent does not mean that you are mentally dysfuntional, but that it is not the right time for you and that you honour yourself by so doing.

OK, so i am going to ask some personal questions, please do not be offended: Do you self pleasure at all? could it be, given your bullying in the past, you have become withdrawn from close physical contact in fear of being hurt like that again?.

The first stage in regaining this is to come back into connection with sexual yourself. This is partially about the physical, but mainly about opening yourself to yourself. If you wish, PM me i will give you some more information.
Certainly by opening to yourself it may highlight some issues that you didnt know existed but once they have been highlighted, you can move past them and on.
I have known people who have done this, who like yourself have considered themselves to be "hung up" or "dysfunctional" when in actual fact they just had to reconnect. To some extent it was a shock to them to reconnect, but once they had they did move on.
I am not saying that this is the case with you, but at the very least it will help you to understand about your physical self and generate an inner self confidence that will help you to overcome the worry about "inexperience"

Static M.e.

Or male opinions on what they would think of a *totally* inexperienced 28 year old woman. Would you ever date one?

First off honestly I would find it strange you haven't even kissed a guy because its such an easy thing to do. You mentioned that you missed the whole teenage thing when most people I suppose would have kissed someone or at least gone through some sort of process. But all said and done all you had to do is go to any bar or nightclub in the last 10 years and let someone kiss you, all you have to do is open your mouth slightly and they will do the rest. Thats the bit I find strange, even kiss one of your male friends when your out some night..Its only a kiss

As for the fact that your not sexually active, that wouldn't bother me too much I suppose, infact if I really liked you I would be quite happy about it because I suppose its nice really in an old fashioned sort of way. You know saving yourself till your wedding day or what ever. Its just not very common these days. On saying all that though I could definatly see you being stuck in some awkward situations if the guy didnt know what was going on to some degree.

All in all yes I would date someone. I wouldnt like to hear though that I am their first kiss (Well not unless we started going out and even then leave it 6 months or so) it would just bring up too many questions and make me question the relationship before it had begun.

Just being honest, also go out and kiss someone this weekend. Dont make excuses just do it.

Kell

marksuttonie wrote:

What she gave to me was a special gift and i honoured what she gave.

And thats how most blokes think of it, save for the emotionally retarded ones. Theres bigger things in life to worry about than whether you have or havnt popped yet, specially if it is making you depressed to the point of suicide.

But there is one more serious side to it and thats the bit where lack of experience is putting you off trying to get close to someone. While yes, there are ways of meeting people such as dating websites etc, I would favour you going out and meeting someone in a bar, at a party, through a circle of friends etc. I dont think dating sites will do anything for your perceived ineptitude, just add to it.

Personally speaking, anytime I have ever had the privelege, I go out of my way to make sure the first time is brilliant. I think most blokes do unless they are twatted drunk or just plain retarded. Does part of your hesitance to meet someome stem from worrying (like most womenfolk do irrelevent of age) that its going to be an unpleasant affair thats going to leave you feeling used?

There has to be mates of yours that know you're single that would be happy to make an introduction on your behalf. Just mention to some close GF's that you'd like to hook up with someone nice and do they know anyone etc.

Come to the boards beers on the 12th. You might even get lucky

K-

misswex

CathyMoran wrote:

I agree that there is nothing wrong with being a virgin at 28. While I did not wait quite as long (I was still well into my 20's), I still feel that it was the right thing for me. When you meet the right man you will know. I was also fortunate enough to loose my virginity to a man who had also been a virgin so it was a wonderful experience when it happened. The people who are hastling you are just secretly jelous to be honest.

I was in the same position as CathyMoran, was well into my twenties and waited for the right guy and I'm so glad I did, he was also a virgin and it was the most fantastic experience ever and the experience hasn't ended 2 years on.

I think you needn't worry about the virgin thing, you should concentrate on building your confidence and being open to meeting a genuine nice guy who you like and relax and don't let the barriers go up - well it worked for me and I couldn't be happier.

robnubis

http://www.redbrick.dcu.ie/~winters/pictures/dontworrylove.jpg

tbh.

Anti

you seem like a nice well educated woman. With good moral values. For me meeting a 28 yo virgin would not present a problem. The only advise i can give is do what you think is right. and maybe confide in a close friend who you really trust. As the last thing you want is a friend telling everyone what you told that person. Going out and having a one night stand wont help as you will more then likely be so tense that you will not be able to have sex ( i have seen this happen before ) its extreemly frustrating for both parteners. just continue being yourself and im sure the right guy will be out there for you.

g'luck

LegacyUser

Im a 23yr guy, did kiss someone till i was 21, had many oppertunities just couldnt/afraid no confidence to make the move, then when I did(although with a large volume of alcohol, still the chemistry was there)everything else slipped into place, became natural almost instinctive.

If I met some one now whatever age and they were a virgin it wouldnt surprise at all, maybe coz I know a goodfew of them.

And if I was out on a date with you like that and we were getting on ok and you mentioned it, it wouldnt change the way I'd be around you.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

I was in my early thrities when I lost mine. Kissing a wee bit earlier, but older than you are now.

The trick is to simpy not let it be an issue. Date a guy, have a laugh see if he likes you, but wait until second/third date before you tell him your inexperienced.

Man1975

I had the same question a while ago.
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/archive/index.php/t-308019.html

LegacyUser

I dont really know what you are looking for. I mean, are you looking for people to tell you that its normal? Whats normal in your eyes? Personally, I dont think that there is anything wrong with this situation, but it sounds now like you are fed up. So, you need to do something about it.

Sounds like maybe you are scared of men. You do not have to tell anyone your business, especially people you think might not care.

To be honest, the older you get, the harder it is to meet people in pubs and clubs, so I think that going down that route would be more so a waste of time. You meet men through friends, family, work etc.....

There is no magic to meeting someone. But at the same time, you have to work to get something that you want. Saying that you are scared at this stage of your life, it maybe another 10 years before anything happens. (sorry if im being at bit harsh there but you need to get busy). You need to be optimistic. You have alot going for you - there is no good reason why you cant meet someone.

LegacyUser

I was a virgin until I turned 27, and like you I kept it to myself, when I was in my teens and early twenties it wasn't really an issue ... it just kind of never happened ... but then the older I got the more it weighed down on me. For me I just had no confidence at all when it comes to girls (still haven't huge amounts of it). It can be a hard thing not to have done the deed when sex can be almost everywhere you look. I know for me it made going to some films, seeing some tv shows or listening to the radio somewhat depressing, and no amount of people saying how special a gift it is to give away elievates that.

(not that I ever let anybody know, as far as people I know are concerned I lost my virginity in college!)

I've no advice to give really, just to let you know that there are a number of people who for whatever reason still have their virginity into their late twenties / thirties.

aidan24326

Like other posters I don't think it's much of a problem that you're still a virgin. It certainly wouldn't be any problem for me if we'd been seeing each other for a while and you mentioned you were still a virgin. If a guy genuinely likes you that's not going to be a problem at all. It's probably not even as unusal as you think.

However the fact you've never even kissed someone at this stage is pretty unusal. I mean if you said you were 18 stone weight, extremely underconfident, deeply religious or whatever, then that might go way some to explaining it. But tbh it would probably still be a bit unusual even then. But you say you are not physically unattractive, are socially adjusted, have a job, went to college, have travelled etc., so I just don't get it. Are you sure there isn't more to this than you're letting on?

From your original post it does sound like you are putting up the barriers alright. You have this idea that a man is going to think you're some kind of freak but that is absolutely not true. Some dxckheads might but then they're not worth it anyway are they? In any case, when you do finally meet a guy(you will) and it comes round to him kissing you, you don't exactly have to stop him and say 'oh hang on you should know that I've never done this before'. Just go with it and let it happen. You can tell him afterwards that it was your first kiss and I bet he'd be amazed and/or thrilled!

You just need to have a little more confidence in yourself and forget all these silly thoughts about it 'being unfair on a man when he could have an experienced woman'...remember it's not every man that wants an 'experienced' woman who's slept with half the town. If you meet someone you like or are attracted to, maybe pluck up the courage to ask them out for a drink/lunch or whatever, you've nothing to lose, and if it goes any further let nature take it's course. If you take down the barrier I think you'll be fine.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for all your responses. It's really comforting to see so much support being offered. And all those inexperienced people coming out of the woodwork to admit their dark secret

King of Kings wrote:

I think (from you post) that perhaps you've created a mental barrier in that when you are meeting a guy that you are a tad defeatist...probably with a nagging voice in your mind telling you he'd prefer a more

Yes this is definitely true. I do think that the vast majority of men would not want someone who was completely inexperienced. Sure there have been polls on these very boards on similar subjects. And most men (not all I know) would find it a) creepy - a sign of some dysfunction - and b) an unwanted onerous task to have to educate someone. So I can't help myself almost feeling preemptively sorry for any guy I like. I tell myself that really they'd want someone different to me and if I really like them I should keep away. I know this sounds sad but I can't help feeling it. Low self esteem issues clearly, but then I think anyone who was in my position at my age would have similar issues.

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

Another positive to consider. You have a gift to offer a man someday. Something very personal and tresured. It's innocent, clean, and valued. Few man can hope for such a gift.

Unfortunately I just think this is a load of ol' rubbish, haha. I'm *not* religious (at all). I was never waiting for the right guy or til I was married. I guess I was just waiting for someone I liked and who liked me back. And that never came along. Now I feel I'm just too late. I missed the boat and accidentally slipped into a "freak" bracket.

I don't see how offering a guy a very awkward, uncertain, nervous sexual experience is in any way a "gift". Although I admit that there must be a small minority, including you, who think this. I just wonder what my likelihood of stumbling across a man like you is going to be

Aidan78 wrote:

I sit with my friends and listen to them harping on about what they did with their girlfriends the previous week or whatever. It's depressing as hell. I certainly don't carry the whole virginity thing around like a badge. In fact, I'm like you - I'm terrified of having people find out because at 28 you're supposed to be experienced. What depresses me even more is that most 15 year olds have more sexual experience than I have.

It's comforting to hear your story Aidan. I assume none of your friends know? How do you cover up? Do you make up stories of girls you've been with? The masquerade I lead with my friends makes me deeply sad. I feel that I can't ever connect with them on a real and honest level while I keep this hidden. But there's no way in hell I would want them to find out. I don't see it as anyting to be proud of. It's terribly shaming for me.

aidan24326 wrote:

However the fact you've never even kissed someone at this stage is pretty unusal. I mean if you said you were 18 stone weight, extremely underconfident, deeply religious or whatever, then that might go way some to explaining it. But tbh it would probably still be a bit unusual even then. But you say you are not physically unattractive, are socially adjusted, have a job, went to college, have travelled etc., so I just don't get it. Are you sure there isn't more to this than you're letting on?

There really isn't anything more to this story. I'm slim, ok looking, not religious. It just never happened to me. I think some people, obviously not very many, just fall through the cracks. Perhaps it's because I don't drink? Although I am trying to take it up these days!

aidan24326 wrote:

You have this idea that a man is going to think you're some kind of freak but that is absolutely not true.

But it's interesting you say that directly after wondering what more there could be to my story? In other words you do think there must be something freakish/unusual about me. Which is a fair assumption to make. My problem is that I feel this is how all men would react to me.

A lot of you have said if I ever get with someone don't tell them about the no sexual experience thing until much later. Is this feasible? Would a guy not realise very quickly?

From my part, I would feel deceitful and that I hadn't fully connected with someone until they knew about this. I don't think I would be able to sleep with someone unless I had told them - simply because what sort of honest relationship would that be? It's a bit of a Catch 22 I think. Tell him and he might run. Don't tell him and I wouldn't feel close enough to sleep with him

theTinker

If i was dating a girl at 28 that was a virgin i would be a bit surprised but by no means in a "thats wierd" way, just as a matter of averages. if i was liking the girl up to this point the only matter that would cross my mind is would i be good enough in bed for her, so that she enjoys her first time.
Ironically u wud be the least likely person to judge me bad but i would still only be concerned with how u enjoyed it.
Most guys consider it a privilege to be with a first timer as i see it(though sum would never admit it) and if they are interested in a serious relationship with u, it would be infact a great thing since i would know this girl has never been touch by anyone but me so she is ALL mine , no EX baggage and no judging me against any , cool.

edit: just noticed the no kissing thing, i wouldnt expect u to bring this up before kissing the guy but afterwards if they guy is a nice guy(if not then obviously u should dump his ass) then tell him and i bet he would think its totally cool and quirky, im not sure why he/i would feel this way but i defintely would get a giddy thrill from knowing it.

Nevyn

robnubis, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

LegacyUser

I was in a similar situation myself. I suppose I was fairly shy in my teens and not hugely out going, used to clam up around girls, and didn't socialise greatly until my last year in College. So it just didn't happen. Didn't meet anyone who seemed to be into me and vice versa. But it didn't seem to bother me greatly, or it least I can't remember being that bothered. I'd occasional get a snog but never seemed to pursue it any further. Always had friends to socialise with so didn't feel like I was missing anything.

I ended up living abroad a few years later to study further, when I finally did meet someone special. I told her I was inexperienced and she was sweet about it. I was 27 at that stage. That was obviously the right time for me, and I don't have any regrets that I didn't lose it sooner.

I guess with men there can be an element of bravado to loosing your virginity, but by the time you're in your twenties, amongst my friends at least, there wasn't much talk about the last girl you'd slept with, so I never felt like I was missing out. Maybe we were all late starters . Always knew I would have sex, but just needed to find the right person at the right time.

My advice is to relax, and try not to worry yourself about it. How you want to lose it is up to you, but for me my first time was a happy experience because I felt comfortable with the person I was with, and I'm happy that was the case.

Aidan78

Old_Maid wrote:

It's comforting to hear your story Aidan. I assume none of your friends know? How do you cover up? Do you make up stories of girls you've been with? The masquerade I lead with my friends makes me deeply sad. I feel that I can't ever connect with them on a real and honest level while I keep this hidden. But there's no way in hell I would want them to find out. I don't see it as anyting to be proud of. It's terribly shaming for me.

I took the plunge a couple of years ago and told one or two close friends and they were OK with it at the time, but I was 24 then. 4 years on and I'm no more sexually experienced than I was then. I trust my friends and believe that they would be very understanding to my situation, but as you pointed out yourself, and I completely agree, it's terribly shaming. I cringe at the thoughts that someday my secret will be uncovered before I have the chance to sort it.

Covering up is the easy part. I lie. I know it's deceitful but again, it's all about saving face. I work in Dublin, live in Dublin but most of my friends are at home (outside of Dublin) so for a while it was easy to develop a fantasy life, when necessary and regal them with bullsh1t stories of this girl from Place A and that girl from Place B. Now I just tell them that I'm too busy at work during the week to be out meeting girls and too tired at the weekends. It's working so far but I'm not sure how long more I can keep up this charade. There are only so many excuses. Are you in the same situation - regaling your friends with made-up stories of this guy and that guy, or are you just focusing on your career at the moment? Or how do you cover up? I could certainly do with some new excuse ideas if you've got any to share!

Sometimes I just tempted to say 'to hell with it' and go out and sleep with the first girl who flutters her eyelids at me, but deep down, I want what you seem to want also - someone whom I like and who will like me back. It doesn't seem like so much to ask for, but sometimes I think it would be easier to find the proverbial 'needle in a haystack'.

And I agree with you completely about the whole 'your virginity is a gift that someone will appreciate someday' nonsense. Not every guy is like some of the original posters. I've had friends in the past boast about 'popping' their girlfriend's cherry, and for them it was something to be proud of. They didn't consider it as a gift that the girl had given them. And besides, what girl wants a guy that's going to be awkward and fumble his way through the whole thing. In truth, I think most people favour the experienced person who knows what they're doing. I admit that there are always exceptions to the rule, as some of the previous posters have shown, but such people are certainly in the minority.

But don't lose hope, OP, all good things come to those who wait ... long enough. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

A

Marksie

Old_Maid wrote:

I don't see how offering a guy a very awkward, uncertain, nervous sexual experience is in any way a "gift". Although I admit that there must be a small minority, including you, who think this. I just wonder what my likelihood of stumbling across a man like you is going to be
(

Actually i would hope that there are more men out there than you would think.
The question of awkwardness should not necessarily arise if you are honest and open.

From my stance and experience, before any penetration took place, it would be and exploration of you and yourself, which would have the benefit of helping you to relax and overcome nervousness. as well as you learning about your partner and overcoming any doubts and worries you may have.

And i dont mean that it would happen in the same night, it would be ongoing for as long as it was needed for you to be entirely comfortable. And beyond.

Lovemaking is a dynamic growing process between people.

When you surrender your gift to your partner it should be because you are ready to, want to and are glad to. To do that he should have shown you that he was truly appreciative of the gift. You havent given it to date, I certainly wouldnt expect you to give it until you were entirley happy and comfortable with giving it.

i may be in the minority but i am glad to be so to be honest

james123

This is a beautiful thing. Use this to your advantage and make it a special moment for both

Kell

Old_Maid wrote:

The masquerade I lead with my friends makes me deeply sad. I feel that I can't ever connect with them on a real and honest level while I keep this hidden. But there's no way in hell I would want them to find out.

I really dont get this. Forgive my romantic notion of what my perception of friends are, but basically it comes down to them knowing as much as there is to know about you and not giving a fúck. Do you think that by telling them, its going to turn into a playground fiasco with people shouting "<INSERT NAME> is a virgin nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah?" Credit your friends with being a little more adult if this is the only reason preventing you from telling them. If I was your mate, I wouldnt be bothered that you hadnt told me, I'd be píssed that you assumed I would think badly of you for it. If it would help to get it off your chest to tell them, do so and fúck the consequences. They are not mates if they think negatively about you for it.

Old_Maid wrote:

So I can't help myself almost feeling preemptively sorry for any guy I like. I tell myself that really they'd want someone different to me and if I really like them I should keep away. I know this sounds sad but I can't help feeling it.

You really need some mental re-programming on this one. The majority of replies to your posts are from blokes, and nice ones by the sounds of things all saying they wouldnt run and hide.

Without sounding like more shameless soliciting (theres no sense of humour left on PI's these days ) theres a bit of me that alwayes goes "woo hoo" when I find out someone is a virigin. Like others have said, we think "she chose me? Awesome".

You guys are so much fun, a blank canvas, no inhibtions caused by bad experience, no reason not to try the á la carte menu and everything on it. At the risk of being branded crude, for a guy there is also the the benefit of "once you pop you cant stop" which makes sticking around even more fun.

As I said earlier, save for the complete muppets that give men a bad name, any bloke that knows their árse from their elbow wouldnt turn you down or run a mile- as the posts here have indicated.

So, put the feelers out, make some inqueries as to who is attractive, single blah blah blah, set up a date or two and dont be afraid to get upfront and personal.

Hope it works out for you.

M-

Marksie

Kell wrote:

I
Without sounding like more shameless soliciting (theres no sense of humour left on PI's these days ) theres a bit of me that alwayes goes "woo hoo" when I find out someone is a virigin. Like others have said, we think "she chose me? Awesome".

You guys are so much fun, a blank canvas, no inhibtions caused by bad experience, no reason not to try the á la carte menu and everything on it. At the risk of being branded crude, for a guy there is also the the benefit of "once you pop you cant stop" which makes sticking around even more fun.
So, put the feelers out, make some inqueries as to who is attractive, single blah blah blah, set up a date or two and dont be afraid to get upfront and personal.

M-

Its whats known as the Star Trek syndrome: to boldly go etc.

Kell is right there are lots of guys on here who are contradicting what you are thinking..

Good luck

Kell

marksuttonie wrote:

Its whats known as the Star Trek syndrome: to boldly go etc.

Hammer. Nail. Head.

K-

robnubis

Thaedydal wrote:

robnubis, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

yes i agree. but i think it was helpful...basically there is always an option, my advice tbh.

LegacyUser

Aidan78 wrote:

I trust my friends and believe that they would be very understanding to my situation, but as you pointed out yourself, and I completely agree, it's terribly shaming.

Yeah this is it. I don't think they'd think badly of me. But of course it's definitely a weird thing. They would think it strange and they would wonder, as others have done, if there's not something more sinister to my story. I imagine that they may also feel sorry for me. And I certainly don't want pity. It's also difficult for people not to tell others - after all it's a prime piece of goss! Once the secret was out I could never meet a new person without wondering if they knew somewhow.

Aidan78 wrote:

Now I just tell them that I'm too busy at work during the week to be out meeting girls and too tired at the weekends. It's working so far but I'm not sure how long more I can keep up this charade.

I too do the "I'm too busy, I don't have time for boyfriends" type line. But I think in the long run this may be handicapping us - because our friends don't bother to introduce us to people? Or try any match making with us?

Aidan78 wrote:

Are you in the same situation - regaling your friends with made-up stories of this guy and that guy, or are you just focusing on your career at the moment? Or how do you cover up? I could certainly do with some new excuse ideas if you've got any to share!

No I don't make up any stories. Occasionally I'm asked about past boyfriends and I'll say something like "Oh don't even go there!" Haha. Or I'll say that my last serious relationship was at uni and it's only been casual stuff since. Just something as bland as possible to deflect attention. I think if you go into too much fabricated detail you might come unstuck - watch yourself there!

It's difficult cos obviously my girlfriends talk about the minutiae of every relationship they have. And I know that even without telling them my secret they perceive me as being different, closed off somehow.

Aidan78 wrote:

Sometimes I just tempted to say 'to hell with it' and go out and sleep with the first girl who flutters her eyelids at me,

I feel this too but obviously being a girl I have to look out for my safety. I can't just meet a guy in a pub and go home with him cos it's just too dangerous. It's horrible to admit but when I've been at my most low I've even investigated how to get a male escort. At least safety would be assured then and I could just get it over with.

Aidan78 wrote:

And besides, what girl wants a guy that's going to be awkward and fumble his way through the whole thing. In truth, I think most people favour the experienced person who knows what they're doing.

I think men have it worse in this situation. It's possible that when/if the time ever arrives I can just lay there and he'll be none the wiser. But obviously it'll be trickier for you. I really feel for you. But on the other hand I think women are more understanding and hopefully your missus will help you through

LegacyUser

When you say no sexual experience do you mean none at all..... I presume you know what to do... have you masterbated or used a vibrator so your bosy would be use to penetration?

LegacyUser

here2help wrote:

When you say no sexual experience do you mean none at all..... I presume you know what to do... have you masterbated or used a vibrator so your bosy would be use to penetration?

I mean none at all with someone else! Sure I've masturbated. Don't know about "used to penetration". I think that would still hurt some. I don't really have any hang ups about this. It's more that I don't know what to do with *them* and that I would be a disappointment. That thought tends to stop me trying to get intimate with anyone. I always think - "god they could get someone so much better than you, you should leave them alone!" Ack...

Kell

here2help wrote:

so your bosy would be use to penetration?

Oh thats just priceless. Bosy. The organ dictionary has just found a new word.

ROFL.

K-

Kell

Old_Maid wrote:

It's more that I don't know what to do with *them* and that I would be a disappointment.

You seem to have largely ignored most posters in the sense that you are still latched onto this defeatist attitude. All you've done is latch onto others like you that have no experience and bounce ill-perceived notions off eachother. Dont get me wrong- I dont think being a virgin at this late stage is a bad thing. Being upset about something and doing nothing about it is.

Perhaps now would be the time to listen to folk who at least know what they're talking about and say "ooh, I never thought of it like that" and do something about your perceived predicament.

And before you go "its not that easy", oh yes my friend, yes, yes it is. If everyone thought "its not that easy" about everything, you wouldnt stand up straight.

So are you going to stoop like pre-historic man or stand up straight and do something?

K-

Marksie

Old_Maid wrote:

It's horrible to admit but when I've been at my most low I've even investigated how to get a male escort. At least safety would be assured then and I could just get it over with.

QUOTE]
Oh no it wouldnt.
And what the hell would be the point of that?..how would you feel afterwards?

What IS coming out here is that you are not in touch with yourself.

Kell is right the peple here have posted and you have ignored them and concentrated on the negative.

If all you wanted was to have someone take your virginity all you need to do is look and PM, there are probably dozens of guys waiting even now

But that wont solve your problem. Sure your hymen will be broken and you will know what it is like to be penetrated.

Your issues still remain, it is better to wait until you find someone you are comfortable with who will take time to learn about your needs and desires.
But two things
1) you have to examine yourself and find out what are your needs and desires and what you really want
2) You have to decide how you are going to look: Internet dating? clubs, pub. But as kell saiys you have to stand up and do it

Aidan78

Old_Maid wrote:

I too do the "I'm too busy, I don't have time for boyfriends" type line. But I think in the long run this may be handicapping us - because our friends don't bother to introduce us to people? Or try any match making with us?

That's not really something I have to worry about thankfully, or maybe not thankfully. For some unbeknownst reason, my friends have never bothered trying to introduce me to 'potential' girlfriends. I'm really starting to think that they perceive me as being gay, which is a bit worrying, since I'm definitely not. I'm just not great when it comes to members of the opposite sex. As I said before, I seem to be everyone's friend, no one's boyfriend. I have lots of female friends, which is great, but every girl I meet just wants to be friends, which gets a little depressing sometimes, and doesn't do much for the self-esteem either.

Old_Maid wrote:

I think if you go into too much fabricated detail you might come unstuck - watch yourself there!

Thanks for the advice but I've got my selection of stories down to a fine art at this stage. Even I start to believe they're true sometimes and I just have to step back every now and then and remind myself that I'm just spewing sh1t to save face, which I know sounds a little patethic. But sometimes you've got to do what you've got to do.

Old_Maid wrote:

It's horrible to admit but when I've been at my most low I've even investigated how to get a male escort. At least safety would be assured then and I could just get it over with.

It's not something I'm proud to admit but for me it's a case of been there, done that. The only thing stopping me was the courage to dial the number, and the idea that when it does eventually happen, I want it to be with someone I care about. But, in case I change my mind in the future, I've got a number or 2 stored in my phone. :eek:

Old_Maid wrote:

I think men have it worse in this situation. It's possible that when/if the time ever arrives I can just lay there and he'll be none the wiser. But obviously it'll be trickier for you.

Bingo!! My thoughts exactly. I think that's what's making me even more nervous. Girls can get away with just lying there and doing nothing. But it doesn't always work that way for guys. You've really got to know what you're doing, where to put it, etc. And sometimes it almost feels like you need a qualification in gynaecology in order to find your way around down there, and figure out where you're supposed to go. I guess the guy could be lucky and the girl could take control. But I wonder how often that actually happens.

The reassuring thing is, OP, that we're not the only ones in this situation. And from what I've read in the previous posts, it seems that most guys would be quite understanding if the girl were a virgin. But I can't help but wonder, if the tables were reversed, would the girl be as understanding? Being a woman, what do you think?

A

Kell

Aidan78 wrote:

I'm just not great when it comes to members of the opposite sex. but every girl I meet just wants to be friends,

Well what have you done to get over this particular problem? Have you looked at that at all as opposed to mope about obviously being upset about being a virgin?

Yourself and old maid are sounding like broken records now ignoring helpful advice. Are you going to do anything about your issues or sit here taking solace in the fact that you are both in the shame shítty boat? :mad:

K-

aidan24326

Old_Maid wrote:

There really isn't anything more to this story. I'm slim, ok looking, not religious. It just never happened to me. I think some people, obviously not very many, just fall through the cracks. Perhaps it's because I don't drink? Although I am trying to take it up these days!

That's fair enough, I guess I was just probing to see if there was anything more to your story that you weren't getting across. If not then that's fair enough. As for the drinking, that would only really be a factor if you don't out to pubs or social events at all, or at least rarely. If you do go out and socialise in pubs/clubs then the fact you don't drink shouldn't be a major issue. And if you've been a non-drinker until now, you might be as well to stay that way. A couple of drinks certainly lends a bit of Dutch courage and can be a good thing but it's no use if you rely on it too much. I suppose there'd be no harm in trying it out and see what you think!

But it's interesting you say that directly after wondering what more there could be to my story? In other words you do think there must be something freakish/unusual about me. Which is a fair assumption to make. My problem is that I feel this is how all men would react to me.

No you're making assumptions again! I never said you were 'freakish' and I don't think that at all. But in saying that not having kissed someone at 28 is a bit unusual I was only stating a fact. It is a little bit unusual. But that doesn't mean you're a freak or some of kind of weirdo. Unusual is not the same thing as freakish. Just because it's unusual doesn't mean it's gonna put a guy right off. It wouldn't put me off if I liked you and I suspect that most lads would think likewise.

The last line of your quote above more or less sums up your problem. This self-defeating lack of confidence and a feeling that all men will perceive you as some freak of nature. It's not like you have 2 heads and a tail, or green skin or 3 eyes. You're not that odd. Perhaps even a good deal less odd than you think you are if the true statistics were known.

Why not give the men of the world a chance to make up their own minds rather than making their minds up for them before you've even started?

PS I myself was very shy when I was younger and had no real confidence with girls even though I was considered quite good-looking. It took a while to break out of that shell and made me a relatively late starter compared to many of my friends. But break out of it I did. Anyway my point is that having a lack of confidence or other negative feelings such as low self-esteem is something you have to consciously work on. It won't just happen by itself and you have to make a conscious effort to change your own mindset and adopt a different attitude.

LegacyUser

I would just like to echo what has been said by most men. I think most men would be honoured (probably not the right phrase but its what comes to mind!) that you chose them to lose your virginity to. It is daunting (Im male, 26 and still a virgin so I know where you are coming from), but I think that we have to just relax and it will happen when it is meant to.

From my point of view I think there has to be a happy medium between looking for a relationship (dont want to appear desperate!) but not jumping into bed with the first person that comes along. As Kell and others have said, its important to try and change the 'just friends aspect' and maybe show romantic interest in people a bit more. We have waited this long, we should probably just wait that extra bit longer to make it more special.

Also, Im not sure that resorting to escorts is the way to go, it may temporarily take a weight off your shoulders but im not so sure it would be good in the long run.

blastman

Wow, there are people out there as negative about themselves as me! That's great, if a little disturbing!

To the OP, I think you need to stop getting hung up on it, which is what seems to be happening. I was in a similar situation and I can tell you that the only person who feels bad is you, so why beat yourself up? You're letting this become a whole big "thing" when it really isn't.

Also, am I the only one who has friends that don't talk about the ins and outs (pun intended) of their sex lives?

Pigman II

Hi OP. Despite all the well wishes here for you I gotta say Yeah that is very weird. You're 28 and never even kissed someone? C'mon! Do you ever go outside?

However, I guess as long as your current situation is because you're shy or not really trying for it rather than because you're dog ugly & getting no offers then it wouldn't be an issue for me or most guys I guess.

Marksie

Kell wrote:

Well what have you done to get over this particular problem? Have you looked at that at all as opposed to mope about obviously being upset about being a virgin?

Yourself and old maid are sounding like broken records now ignoring helpful advice. Are you going to do anything about your issues or sit here taking solace in the fact that you are both in the shame shítty boat? :mad:

K-

Well the simple answer is...why dont those two pm... and get together.
They can learn from each other and sort two issues out permanently
you wont disappoint each other as neither of you have preconceptions.
end of thread

InFront

You're not in a unique situation if these replies are anything to go by. Id like to agree with what many other men have said and point out that, as a man, I would find virginity a good quality.

I know that in your case religion is not a deciding factor. But I am 20, and religion is the reason why I have decided to wait until I am married, even if that means I am 28 before it happens.
My friends are very relaxed about this - we openly joke about it. I love my friends like brothers, but believe me, we are not the most mature people you could meet, far from it! So if your friends are female, and more mature, you can be almost guaranteed they will respond with even better understanding, even if religion is not your motive.

Kissing girls, however, is something I am completely ok with:) Maybe I am a slow learner or something, but I dont think Ive learned anything about kissing from the first awkward encounter in old wesley those few years ago until now...imo having no experience of kissing doesnt really set you behind anyone else. It's not rocket science:)

If you let your friends know about this, it will just become an interesting feature of your character, it's nothing bad.

Overall my advice would be: let yourself get comfortable with where you are. Go out, relax, and kiss as many guys as you want, and if you want, forget about them after it. But you shouldnt feel as though you have to go any further just because of where you think your age dictates you should be. It's your life after all.

CathyMoran

My first time was with someone for whom it was their first time also, we both learned how to do it together and it truely was a special experience. I was unfortunate to have another experience a few years later with a guy who had been with more than one person, it was play it by numbers and horrible, so experience is not necessarily a good thing.

Being a virgin in your 20's can be a challenge as there is a lot of pressure to get it over with but in the end of the day you are better waiting until it feels right.