Worried about a friend

embraer170

I'm starting to be rather worried about a friend, let's call him John. I've known him for five or so years

- He's 20 and has only two people he could call friends left (we used to have some mutual friends but he drifted from all those) - me and another guy and in fact both of us live in different countries to him. Furthermore the other guy is a totally destructive friendship, he's eight years older and has dragged John, who is immature and real easy to influence, into all kinds of terrible stories (and John has acknowledged this). He was always a bit arrogant and childish but as he's getting older, he's going from bad to worse (and there is the reason the other friends drifting).

- Only child, shy and has big problems meeting / interacting with people. Just finished his first at university and hasn't met a single person he could go out for a drink with. Oh he also failed some exams which hasn't helped his self confidence.

- He had said he is depressed now and again and probably has mentioned suicide once (or I could be imagining that last bit) but refuses to seek professional help. "What could I be told that I couldn’t figure out myself". He only sees his problem as being shyness but I'm convinced it runs deeper.

- His mom and dad live far from him though I believe they're good parents (especially his mom) I don't think they know the extent of what he's going through (and he lies to them all the time too). They also throw money at him meaning he can live pretty much in his own lonely world...

I'll admit he's caused me more problems and humiliated me more times than most but I still care - a lot actually. Recently I've really started to feel I'm losing him and not sure what to do. His other friend is about to have a child soon which will change things there, and John evidently fears that.

I can't go out and make friends for him obviously, but what can I do? When someone stops communicating and I feel he doesn't even make an effort....

Any advice? Thanks!

Aard

I've found the best way to keep a friendship going is to talk. Talk talk talk. And I don't mean about the weather. Talk about real stuff with him, ask him about his past, his insecurities. You probably don't know him half as well as you think you do. It might be awkward at the time, and he might even get defensive, but learning more about your friend is really the only way. He's obviously got problems, he IS human after all, and with few friends and lying to his family, he probably doesn't get a chance to talk about them. It may be a cliché but a problem shared is a problem halved. Tell him all that you wrote in your post there. Try to see things from his perspective, and don't say things that will just annoy him (like if he doesn't want to see a 'professional' then don't keep going on about it even if "it's for his own good"; I've been on the receiving end of that line before, and it only makes things worse). And whatever you do, don't let him take on the role of the victim. It's a comfy place to be where he'll get the attemtion he wants, but really it'll just damage him more.

Good luck!

Ruu_Old

John needs a good talking to imo. He needs to realise himself and admit that he has problems first otherwise hes not going to get anywhere. Theres obviously something else troubling him that he hasn't told you.