Friend getting Married this Weekend, BIG MISTAKE!

LegacyUser

First of all, I want to apologise for the spelling mistakes that are bound to be included in this thread.
This is going to be a long one...................

My friend, of about 10 years, is due to get married this weekend.
She is 25 years old and has a 7-year-old child.

When she became pregnant with her child it was a shock to everyone, my friend, I will call her Polly for the sake of this post, was the most sensible out of all of us. She was very much the career girl, and to be honest, although she was a bit older then me, I didn't even know she was sexually active until she announced her pregnancy.
At first she was devastated, she cried her eyes out, shouted about how her life was over, and she heard those very same words from both her parents.
Eventually she calmed down a little, but determined not to be a single mother, herself and the babies father got engaged and bought a house.
She was only 18 years of age, he was 23, but they felt this was the right move, in order to give their future child the best life possible.

If I am honest I think the real motive behind this move was more of a 'what will the neighbours think' inspired move, as in, she couldn't bear people looking down on herm on thinking of her as a teenage, single mum, in her mind she was above that, and would do what it took to escape that stereotype.

From the moment she had the baby, whom I will call Rosie for now, she completely resented her boyfriend, she blamed him for her pregnancy, and she blamed her child for the disruption to her life.
I know that sounds very cold, but she will admit it herself, she went through a very bitter and resentful patch, and she resented everyone around her for the situation she was in.

Needless to say, her relationship fell apart and she returned home to her parents.
Her father allowed her to stay at home for just one week and then told her to get out, to go back to her own home sort things out with her fiancé, for the sake of her child.
So at 19 she returned to her own house, and they gave things yet another go.
I think at this point she actually hated her boyfriend; She blamed him for everything that had gone wrong in her life. She blamed him on the fact that she had left college that she couldn't pursue her original career path, that she was working as a civil servant, and barely earning enough to pay the bills.
She blamed him every time she had to get up in the night to feed her child.
Her boyfriend was no angel in all of this, he too felt trapped because Polly and Rosie, and he let her know it.
He could be pretty cruel at times, and over the years he said some fairly terrible things.
Towards the end of their relationship he started to stay out all night with his mates, and he was drinking at partying a lot.
Eventually, aged 20, she decided to call it a day. Her parents thought it was probably for the best and allowed her to return home.
I can remember her mother crying at her 21st, saying things shouldn't have turned out the way they did for Polly, she was so disappointed and that broke Polly's heart to know that she had let her parents down.

When Polly was 22 she had got her life somewhat back on track, she was single, and Rosie was that little bit older, her parents allowed her more freedom, and babysat more often.
We went on a girly holiday that year, and I can remember Polly talking about this guy, lets call him Tom, from work, who was 'stalking' her with messages.
Now she said it in a jokey way, and admitted to having snogged him on one occasion, but she said she didn't fancy him and wasn't interested. She kinda slagged him to us at the time.
So it was a bit of a surprise when she told us a few months later that they where a couple.
Tom was 2 years younger then Polly, but from what she told us, he seemed like a decent lad, who was happy to take on Polly's daughter.

So fast-forward about a year and Polly is telling us she is engaged..... I was very very surprised as I had never even heard her mention that she loved him, or even really liked him, but she always was a bit secretive about her feelings, so I congratulated her, and wished her the best.

About 3 months later they had bought a house, things where moving very fast, and 1 month later they set the date for their wedding, for 12 months time.
I remember talking to Polly one day, asking how she was getting on. She said she barely saw Tom, as he was working two jobs, she said he would get in at 6.30, have something to eat, and then go out to work from 8 - 12, all in order to pay for the wedding, and the mortgage.
I told her this was crazy, that they where putting themselves under too much pressure, that they would bicker so much through tiredness and stress, that by the time the wedding day came around they wouldn't even want to be in the same room as one another, let alone get married.
I suggested she move the date back another 6 months, or a year, I mean, what difference does it make if your planning on being together for life anyhow..?
But she wouldn't hear it.
About 6 months ago, Polly, aged 24 at the time, was taken to hospital with a stroke that her doctors believe was almost entirely down to huge stress and strain. Did she put back the wedding? No!

Last night was the night of the wedding rehearsal.
Polly and Tom bickered from start to finish, Tom openly insulted members of Polly's family and fought with Rosie, Polly’s child.

Polly spent most of the night rolling her eyes and speaking through gritted teeth, and by the end of the evening, everyone had come to the conclusion that they are making a mistake.
Her best friend informed me that only 2 weeks before Tom proposed, Polly had threatened to end the relationship, and has since said to her best pal that sometimes she wishes that she had have stuck to her guns, and ended things then.


I am going to this wedding and I feel sick to my stomach knowing how unhappy they seem to be.
At this stage, it is as if they feel they have reached the point of no return and have no choice but to go through with it.

But what do they do? The wedding is this weekend... Is it too late to back out?
What would you do?

Gordon

What_to_do - just a note on Anonymous posting. When you post unregistered your post/thread will await in a queue pending moderator approval. Your post will basically show when a moderator sees it and approves it so no need to repost your threads or posts more than once.

LegacyUser

ok, thanks

Gordon

Have you spoken to your friend about this in the twelve months previously?

oulu

I think you should stay out of it to be prank. If not you could get stressed and end up where polly did.

LadyJ

It's not too late for them to back out but you can't make them do it. Some people will do anything to avoid ending up alone and it's hard to change a person's mind at the best of times.

Talk to your friend by all means but don't expect anything to come of it. Just be supportive and maybe some day she will come to her senses. You can't save everyone.

Also,marriage isn't the be all and end all. They can always split up.

tbh

What would I do?

I'd sit my mate down and say "look, I wouldn't be a friend if I didn't raise my concerns about this wedding. I think, based on what you've told me, that you may be making a mistake. If you want help getting out of this, I'm here for you. If you want to go through with the wedding, I'll still be here for you".

And after that, you let her get on with her life.

Beruthiel

If you wanted to talk to your friend about this, then anytime in the last year would have been an idea.
Now is not the time.
As the old saying goes, marry in haste, repent at leisure.
If their relationship is really that bad, they will eventually break up. She will have learned her lesson and it's not one you can teach her I'm afraid.

Strokesfan

I think it's too late to stop it... and you might be put in a position of blame later on down the road, I'd let her make her own mistake..just stand by for support

LegacyUser

Over the last year I have asked her to at the very least consider putting the wedding back. To give herself more time.
I just want to make clear that I do not think this guy, Tom, is a bad guy, I actually think he does love her very much.
I think he will give her everything she has always wanted, a home, marriage, stability, but he is not the right man to be giving her these things.
I reckon there have been about 4 occassions over the last year where I have tried to talk to her, without insulting her, or Tom, but it is hard to tell someone that you don't think they should be with their current parthner without them getting defensive.
I remember starting a sentance with, 'well if it was me' and she just cut me off, said 'well it's not you, and we can't all do what we want, when we want'... to which I replied 'Why can't we? Why would you do something you didn't want to do?' She just told me I didn't understand.

Beruthiel

what_to_do wrote:

Why would you do something you didn't want to do?' She just told me I didn't understand.

You have your answer then, she doesn't want to hear it.

I'm guessing she is getting married because she is under the impression that not many men will take on someone elses kid (total bs btw) plus she now has a home and a place to bring up her kid. Leave her to it, there is nothing you can say or do that will change her mind.

Gordon

Aye, the best thing you can do is be by her side and try to help out as much as possible imo.

LegacyUser

This is horrible, I feel so useless.
It is going to kill me to watch them walk up the aisle this weekend, knowing that they are about to make a big mistake.

I know its childish, but I have actually been thinking up all sorts of 'get out' plans.
I was thinking that her Mam could announce to the guests that she had a bad asthma attack, or something, and that due to health concerns, they have been forced to postome the event.
That way she wouldn't have to 'call off the wedding' and have people talking about her.
Obviously I wouldn't suggest she lie to her fiance, she would explain her doubts to him.

God, even reading that, it sounds so ridiculous and desperate, but thats how I am feeling for her now, totally desperate......

I guess I already know that she is going to get married this weekend, and then have to deal with everything that follows.

It is just a horrible thought.

Gordon

Isn't one of the sayings about loving someone: "to love someone you have to be able to let them go". Or words to that effect. I think if you are to be a true friend you've got to let her make her own way. You've tried to speak to her about it, now it's past that time and she's doing the deed.

SingingCherry

Let it go. You've tried to talk to her and she doesn't want to hear it. No bride wants to hear days before her wedding that a good friend of hers doesn't think she should get married. You don't understand what she's going through. You don't know how she feels. You might think you do, but you don't.

Every bride is stressed during the planning of a wedding. Every couple fights and bickers during this process. (I had a screaming match with my parents on Harcourt Street 2 days before mine! Klassy!) I think it's a bit over the top that all of the guests at their rehearsal decided they shouldn't be together. They are both adults, they don't need others deciding things for them.

If they don't want to do this, they will come to this conclusion themselves, and if they decide to walk down the aisle and get married this weekend, then stand by her, smile where you should, shed a tear or two out of sadness and say it's because you're happy for them. She shouldn't have to be there for you and your concerns on that day, you should be there for her.

LegacyUser

SingingCherry wrote:

Let it go. You've tried to talk to her and she doesn't want to hear it. No bride wants to hear days before her wedding that a good friend of hers doesn't think she should get married. You don't understand what she's going through. You don't know how she feels. You might think you do, but you don't.

Every bride is stressed during the planning of a wedding. Every couple fights and bickers during this process. (I had a screaming match with my parents on Harcourt Street 2 days before mine! Klassy!) I think it's a bit over the top that all of the guests at their rehearsal decided they shouldn't be together. They are both adults, they don't need others deciding things for them.

If they don't want to do this, they will come to this conclusion themselves, and if they decide to walk down the aisle and get married this weekend, then stand by her, smile where you should, shed a tear or two out of sadness and say it's because you're happy for them. She shouldn't have to be there for you and your concerns on that day, you should be there for her.

I haven't just decided that they should not marry based on the events of last night, thats why I wrote such a detailed post, I don't think they should Marry based on all thats has happened in the past, and how I know that Polly has a tendancy to plough full steam into something because she thinks its what she should be doing, and not what she actually wants to be doing.

I am not going to saying anything more bout this to her, unless she comes to me to talk about it.

I just feel very sad that it has turned out this way.

Black Swan

what_do_do wrote:

I guess I already know that she is going to get married this weekend, and then have to deal with everything that follows.

If and when it falls apart, be a friend.

tbh

what_to_do wrote:

I haven't just decided that they should not marry based on the events of last night, thats why I wrote such a detailed post, I don't think they should Marry based on all thats has happened in the past, and how I know that Polly has a tendancy to plough full steam into something because she thinks its what she should be doing, and not what she actually wants to be doing.

I am not going to saying anything more bout this to her, unless she comes to me to talk about it.

I just feel very sad that it has turned out this way.

your priorities are different to hers. Rightly or wrongly, she's making this decision, not you, and it's ever-so-slightly arrogant to assume that - if you can just explain it to her so she understands the situation like you do - she'll do it differently. She may be fully aware of all the factors you've outline, but decided to get married anyway. Don't get me wrong, I'm not having a go at all - I think you are a good friend - but at the end of the day, it's the girls life, and she can do what she wants. Just be there for her, and under no circumstances give it the old "I told you so" when what you say will happen, happens. now thats a *true* friend

Marksie

Beruthiel wrote:

I'm guessing she is getting married because she is under the impression that not many men will take on someone elses kid (total bs btw) plus she now has a home and a place to bring up her kid. Leave her to it, there is nothing you can say or do that will change her mind.

True B. never bothered me being with someone with kids... i used it as great opportunity to regress .

OP: Way, way, way, too late.
And why are you feeling sick? you aren't the one getting married. If it is going to upset you that much don't go.... it would be a big help having you there in such a state with all thats going on

It is your friends life, you wont be thanked for too much interference.

You never know, they might surprise you once all the stress has died down.

If tom is a nice guy will give her what she has always wanted: you dont have the right to decide that he is not the man for her.

TBH you are coming across as a gloom and doom merchant: akin to those knitting while the guillotine was working.
and you find em at all weddings cacckling over the turkey and ham saying "I tell you it will never work"

tbh

devils advocate: Does Tom have a right to know all this before the wedding?

LegacyUser

Woah, I am sorry if I have given you the impression that I am actively trying to stop this wedding, or that I am whinging and wailing to anyone who will listen that I think they are making a huge mistake.
I am not!
Nor am I constantly in her ear telling her to not to go through with it.
I have saved my whinging for boards, and have not upset anyone with my thoughts.
Tom is a good guy, and it would be just great if it all worked out, but knowing the girl as well as I do, I just have a feeling that this is not going to end happily ever after!

connundrum

tbh wrote:

devils advocate: Does Tom have a right to know all this before the wedding?

Tom should know, but it should be Polly to tell him.

Seems like she's looking for the quick fix.. a stop-gap. Everyone knows that a quick fix does what it says on the tin, and I wouldn't be surprised to hear that they had broken up in 6+months time.

If its not right then there will be a whole load of resentment, which is always ugly.

But to the OP, all you can do is be a friend when/if it falls apart.. its all anyone can do when a friend won't listen to advice. Its always a shame when a kid is involved

LegacyUser

Well ... I think it's a bit late for U to do anything now. I think U have already done your little bit - but to no avail.

U will have to see what the future brings for them.

To tell U the truth - call me old fashioned - but I would not have anything got
to do with a woman who had someone elses child or who was married before.
I think Tom is a brave lad.

Crea

Well you've tried to bring it up and she doesn't want to listen so I think you should leave it.
Go to the wedding, smile, congratulate them and don't say a word of your doubts to anyone on the wedding day. She will appreciate your support on the day and will find it easier to go to you if things go wrong.
She knows your doubts but now is the time to give your support. You will be a better friend by going to the wedding than by staying away.

The_Conductor

Blue_Lagoon wrote:

If and when it falls apart, be a friend.

This might be the best advice you can get......

LegacyUser

Hi, I just wanted to update you.
Wedding went ahead on Saturday, Polly look terrified as she walked up the aisle, and I began to fear the worse.... but, as the day went on she started to relax, and she seem genuinely happy at the reception.
I am delighted!
We got chatting in the bathrooms and she said her gut was telling her that this was gonna be a good marriage, she felt excited and optimistic, and she reckoned they bickered so much in the run up to the day because of stress, tiredness, money issues etc.

I have never been so glad to be wrong about something.
I really wish her all the best and I hope they will be very very happy together.

ircoha

How was the wedding then, I am getting to this very late so please tell us how it was.

For me its been tough on her and her parents did not do much for it.
1 week and then out...
The mother blubbering at the 21st and she with a health grandchild, perhaps the mother needs to visit some romanian orphanages for a dose of reality.

Re the wedding: no worries it is only a dog licence and can be reversed.

Re your role, be there for her when she needs you.

finnpark

I think anyone at the wedding that sees this post will work out who it is. I think you are taking a bit of a risk.