In a rut and could do with some advice

fgfdgfdgfdxgr

I'm a 26 year old bloke and outwardly I'm a happy, nice guy etc.
My problem is that for the last few months I've been feeling really down.
I'm just bored, bored with myself, my job, my life and my confidence isn't much better.
I've always had fairly low self-esteem and in the past I was on meds for depression.
Lately I've been really, really tired..as in sleeping for a few hours in the evening and struggling to sleep until 3 or 4 am at night.
I've tried exercising by joining a gym (I was told that can improve your mood), and while its a great way for me to forget everything for an hour, most of the time I'm pissd off, and feeling down and bitter.
I feel like being on my own a lot, and while I try my best to mix and be social it doesn't seem to work.
Most of my friends are people who I knew from home, school, college and I've lost touch with them due to jobs and girlfriends etc..
No one has a clue that I've been unhappy lately, my sisters know that I went to a doctor for depression a couple of years ago, but I see any point in worrying them now because all that should be in the past.
The thing is I need to give myself a kick in the ass, and snap out of this mood, but I'm kind of struggling at the minute.
I don't have a girlfriend and thats something that bothers me. A lot.
I had one serious relationship nearly five years ago now, and in the meantime I've gotten drunk, done the whole nightclub/one night stand thing and seen maybe three or four girls for around the two month mark.
In the majority of cases, the women I've been seeing it and to be honest I just don't have a clue why.
To be honest I feel like a bit of a failure, I imagined by this stage I would have a steady girlfriend and all that depression $hit would be in the past buts its not.
The only thing that motivates me is work, and working to pay my mortgage and thats it.
I want to meet new people etc, but everything in this country seems to revolve around alcahol and pubs.
And Im brutal at the whole chatting up women lark, my confidence isnt up to much, as they say I simply have 'no game' and I don't see there being a girlfriend anytime soon.
The more people I meet the more I feel that there's only a handful of decent women about, and Ive even become a bit cynical about my friends who Ive known for a few years.
I need a change, something to occupy my mind and I need to get the whole depression thing under control for once and for all because the last few months have been bad.
I know Ive rambled on, but its a bit of a relief to have write this.
I don't know if any of guys have ever been in my shoes, but if so you might reply to this thread cause I'm running out of ideas.
I've seen a counsellor and tried tabs and neither them are options again for me, that I am certain of.
Is it possible for someone in my shoes to one day have it all, happy life, no depression, girlfriend etc?

Ruu_Old

Theres plenty of fun to be had without alcohol even though things seem revolve around it. I know, I never had a drop of drink when I used to go out non stop. When was the last time you went on a holiday? Go and see some of the world, different cultures and broaden your mind a bit perhaps.

LegacyUser

Have a think about changing your job and working somewhere thats a bit more sociable where you can meet more people - Ive been there very recently and decided to do this, I took a massive pay cut to work somewhere I knew Id meet more people and start afresh...and its working

Dragan

There is nothing wrong with being a bit down sometimes. Everyone goes through it. However, if you are not happy, and have not been for a while then maybe it's time for a change?

It's never been so easy to change country and go and live somewhere else for a bit. As Ruu was saying, maybe you could do with an extended holiday? Go and do a bit of traveling and see if that inspires some happiness in you?

Don't get caught up in "having acheived stuff" because first you need to figure out if the things you want are what YOU want for you, or what you THINK you want for you!

LegacyUser

I'm a fella of 23 and identify with a lot of what you say...
I agree that socialising in this country isn't very easy if you're not into "ten pints and rolling home at 6am". As someone who would have one or two when out for a night I don't find the pub / club scene too fulfilling. My self confidence wouldn't be up to much either and as for "chatting up" :rolleyes: lol

I know what you mean about being bored with your life. When I'm fully qualified in my job (a year or two) I'm hoping to get away from this country, travel and work abroad and meet new people.
Really do believe that the only way to get out of a rut like this one is to break away from what you're used to and make radical changes in your life... it mightn't be easy but what do you really have to lose?

Sleepy

I can empathise with you OP as I feel quite similar about a lot of aspects of my own life.

You mention you have a mortgage which I assume means you've paid a chunk of off by now and that you've had a capital gain on the purchase. Maybe selling up and heading off travelling / starting afresh somewhere new is the answer?

Black Swan

What do you really enjoy doing? Hiking, swimming, fishing, films, sports, whatever? Find a group that likes it too, join it, and become the most enthusiastic member doing what you and they like to do. You will make friends who like what you like, and you don't have to drink and do pubs for that. And who knows, you just might meet a girl there that likes doing what you like to do, too?;)

the_syco

fgfdgfdgfdxgr wrote:

My problem is that for the last few months I've been feeling really down.

When I'm tired, for long periods (ie: days, not just for a few hours), I become "sad", but I now know if its because I'm tired, and not because of some external factor.

fgfdgfdgfdxgr wrote:

Lately I've been really, really tired..as in sleeping for a few hours in the evening and struggling to sleep until 3 or 4 am at night.

I'm the same. One thing I've found that works is a routine, if you can get into the habit. I suck at following routine's, and the current job involves shift-work, so no routine at the moment Also, don't eat too late, as that stops from sleeping (as your body takes a while breaking down the food). Try mind-numbingly boring music, such as waves, etc, as I find I can sleep easier then, rather listening to silence.

fgfdgfdgfdxgr wrote:

I feel like being on my own a lot, and while I try my best to mix and be social it doesn't seem to work.

Went through this phase myself. Only stopped, as I started doing stuff with people who had similair intrests as me (eg: golfing, metal, etc).

fgfdgfdgfdxgr wrote:

happy life, no depression, girlfriend etc?

Having a gf shouldn't be your "magic spell" to a depression free life, I think.

=-=

Try picking up a few hobbies, such as golf (get a few 2nd hand clubs), football, etc. Most of these have clubs, and you can make friends in them.

Colm_OReilly

fgfdgfdgfdxgr,

First off, thanks for sharing. A few points and questions if I may.

Diet - energy levels are very closely related to diet, so check that out. I personally recommend the Paleo Diet though I know it can be very hard to stick to. But if nothing else, eat more fruit and cut down on dairy.

Also, it's important to distinguish between physical energy and emotional energy.

I want to meet new people etc, but everything in this country seems to revolve around alcahol and pubs.
And Im brutal at the whole chatting up women lark, my confidence isnt up to much, as they say I simply have 'no game' and I don't see there being a girlfriend anytime soon.

A gf won't solve your problems.

By the way, most people in a pub/club situation aren't super estactic, and most of them are looking around to see who's about, and who's having fun. A lot of people are nervous and not enjoying themselves.

My suggestion is to really think about what you want. The clearer you can make this the better. Don't worry about how right now, just concentrate on what. Then you'll find it easier to take action.

Is it possible for someone in my shoes to one day have it all, happy life, no depression, girlfriend etc?

Absolutely! But there's two things you need to do first. One, figure out exactly what you want. Two, believe it's possible.

Hope this helps,
Colm

csm

You sound a lot like i did a couple of years ago.

I had many of the same feelings as you seem to have and I'm happy to say I'm on the other side of it now.

What worked for me was counselling first and then i quit the postgrad i was doing and left to go travelling for a year. the time away on my own helped so much and when i came back i was a different guy. But i must stress that i still have a lot of the same thoughts and feelings i had when i was feeling really low (especially the drink based social scene and meeting new people stuff you mentioned). I know how to deal with them a little better now but i don't think that depression can just up and disappear, i think you just have to learn how to deal with it as best you can. either with medication/thought control/counselling/regular exercise/good diet whatever.

Advice is hard to give after you read just one post but my experience was that a new girlfriend didn't help, and joining clubs and trying to meet new people only helped in the very short term to take my mind off things. I needed a complete break to re-appraise my life so I went travelling. I met loads of new people, my self-esteem rocketed, as did my confidence and I'm now much better equipped to deal with the crappy things that sometimes do happen. So I heartily recommend it, but that doesn't necessarily mean its good for you in particular.

Just remember that there are thousands of people who have gone through and go through the same things you are, so there is plenty of advice out there. the samaritans might help (1850609090), as could a close friend or family member (although sometimes they don't know how to deal with it). you say you don't want to worry your sisters again, but i'm sure they would want to help you out rather than see you miserable. and why have you ruled out a counsellor or medication? stigma? did they not work before? if so, did you try a different counsellor or other medication?

These are all just suggestions but nobody here is an expert so you would be best served talking to someone who is. Best of luck! There is light at the end of the tunnel, but it requires patience, work, and often help from others to get there

magpie

Go without a coat when it's cold; find out what cold is. Go hungry; keep your existence lean. Wear away the fat, get down to the lean tissue and see what it's all about. The only time you define your character is when you go without. In times of hardship, you find out what you're made of and what you're capable of. If you're never tested, you'll never define your character.

Henry Rollins