Girlfriend Problem

LegacyUser

My gf was doing some online registering with her phone on the meteor website on my computer and she never signed out but just minimised the page.

LAter on I went onto the PC and it was still there so I had a look at her last calls/texts (i know i shouldnt have but I did) and I saw that she was txtin this number on average 10times a day (more than she would even text me!). I presumed it was one of the girls and didnt really give it a second thought.

I have since found out that this is a bloke who fancys her like mad and she is becoming more and more flirty with him, I have mentioned him in the past and she just laughs it of saying hes like that with all the girls (which he isnt). She doesnt know I know she texts him all the time and I want to bring it up but I cant tell her I know cos I checked her calls on the meteor website!

Im becoming increasingly worried about this and she wont let her phone out of her sight now. I have tried bringing this up and she just laughs it of saying its nothing (which it isnt over ten times a day is far to much to be txting a bloke she knows I have a problem with), anyone any advice on the issue?

AngryBadger

You'll just have to confront her about it. tbh if you're in a relationship where you think nothing of snooping through her phone records, and she thinks nothing of flirting with some other guy I think you need to have your head examined.

Failing that you could doggedly pursue some crazy Spy VS. Spy type scenario, and try to catch her out. But that would just be stupid.

bboyblast

I was in the same situation. I was suppose to be getting married next year. I too seen she was texting a guy she works with. She finished it a few weeks ago now I am so messed up. Think the only thing to do is confront her

Laslo

What's to decide? If you're positive she's texting some other guy ten times a day and she denies that she's in touch with him all that much then she's lying to you to try and cover something up. Dump her. If she asks why, simply explain to her that it's a small city and word gets around. Leave her with something to think about before she finds some other sucker to treat like crap.

Black Swan

It would seem that your relationship is in jeopardy. You two need to talk.

Ruu_Old

While you were wrong to check through her numbers, don't go off at her like a lunatic or anything. Sit down and calmly discuss where you want your relationship to go. A serious chat is in order I'm afraid OP.

Asok

Ring the number from her phone and see what answer you get i.e. "Heya hotrings"

BeardyGit

Sorry to hear your relationship is in doubt....eh, actually, I'm not.

You were a bit of a dope to go reading it in the first place. Time and time again people read each others private correspondence and then act like they have a valid excuse. It's as good as saying "The envelope was already open" when someone pulls you up over reading their credit card statement.

As harsh as it sounds, you deserve everything you get from here out. Your suspicion will consume you eventually and you'll more than likely end up coming out as the bad guy. Doesn't matter what justification you think you have, you invaded her privacy. And to my mind, she's better off without you if that's the way you respect her.

Sorry if you don't like it - But it's black and white on this one.

Gil

free2fly

Sorry, but I have to agree with Gil Dub. You shouldn't have gone through her personal records. You were obviously expecting to find something. Well, I hope you're happy. You found what you were looking for.

I would suggest having a serious conversation with her, but she is not going to be happy about what you did. It is going to destroy her trust in you. I recently experienced something similar with my now ex partner. It was very hurtful to find out that he had done that to me. Good luck OP. I hope things work out for you. Oh, and btw, he found what he was looking for as well.

Laslo

IMO, invading someone's privacy like that makes you an untrustworthy a$$hole - however cheating on someone and lying about it when you're supposed to be in a trusting relationship makes you the scum of the earth. I'd have to side with the OP on this one - even if I don't respect him for stooping so low.

j4vier

hold on it seems that now its the op s fault...
alright checkin her msgs wasnt a nice thing to do, but i think what she is doin to him is far worse than that.
tbh even if he felt something was goin on, he obviously needed some evidence in order to confront her.

tap28

I think ye are being very harsh on him. While going through her records is not good, if I had a choice between call the bad guy for snooping or gf carrying on behind my back and me being made a fool out of, I know which one I choose.

If your relationship is to surive you need to sitdown and have an open and frank talk with gf. IMOP it's make or break time.

Supercell

Asok wrote:

Ring the number from her phone and see what answer you get i.e. "Heya hotrings"

Yep, maybe the G/F sees it as innocent and cute, but that soon becomes more, ring the fupper and tell him to stop texting your G/F.

If she doesn't like it then maybe it is time to consider single life again for a while.

Mr. Presentable

Two wrongs don't etc, etc

Shouldn't read her texts, though if she left them for you to read, maybe you were meant to. Console yourself with the fact she will probably treat him like she treated you. For some people the grass is always greener.

TBH I wouldn't want a relationship with either one of you.

Laslo

TBH, the best advice you could receive personally is to leave the relationship with your dignity. She doesn't need or deserve an explanation... and you need to do some soul-searching.

Chinafoot

Eh sorry I must have missed the part where the OP said that he has undeniable proof that his girlfriend is actually cheating on him with this other guy...

...oh wait, that's cos he didn't say it.


She's been texting some bloke that the OP has a problem with. Big deal! If he has a problem with this guy then it is exactly that...HIS problem. Just because they've been texting doesn't mean she's getting her jollies from him too. Maybe herself and this bloke get on well. Just because he fancies her doesnt mean that she intends to do anything. Flirting =! cheating.

From his first post it doesnt even sound like he was suspicious of her before he checked up on her texts. Instead he was just being nosey and completely invaded her privacy. Seriously bad form.

OP: If you are worried about what your girlfriend is up to then talk to her. However, I don't see how you have any right to confront her given how you came about this "information". If you want it resolved then sit her down and tell her what you did, apologise for it and try and talk it out.

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Ok I just have to get a few things straight. My gf openly reads my messages all the time and I have absoulutly no problem with it tbh I have nothing to hide. Shes just nosey and I dont mind so it doesnt bother either of us. She was also the same(although I didnt care who she was textin so never really looked at her phone), until recently when she start being really suspicios about it and bringing it everywhere with her, thats why I checked her call log cos I was suspicious and this bloke was always leaving her flirty messages on bebo and when we were out etc. So thats why I checked her call log, I didnt think anything of it cos weve always never hid anything thats just the way we are.

And im not a freak or anything ive been going out with her 4 years and this is the first time ive become suspicious etc and its also recently that she has being going out with some new friends and hes always there, thats why ive become worried.

So last nite I brought the subject up, I asked her why she kept textin him to which she replyed "hes bored". So I asked how often she texts him and she said a couple of times a week, to which I just said "bull****, more like 10 times a day" which she denied. Then she ust said Im being jealous, but if any girl texts me I get hundreds of questions about it. I wasnt going to tell her I checked her call log so I couldnt really go any further so i just let her know of how I disapproved with it.

SO i dunno what im gona do next, id love to go out this weekend and have a few words with him, but im sure he'll go running to my GF telling her and she will then go mental at me.

And by the way there is no way im gonna break up with my GF of 4 years cos shes textin some bloke I dont approve of like some people are suggesting. And i seriously doubt she has cheated on me, its just im afraid thats what will happen if I let this continue.

LegacyUser

I think U ought to make her your ex girlfriend.
I think this sort of stuff can only get worse and worse.

gary the great

Id make sure hes well aware that your her long term partner and you dont take kindly to this flirting. Maybe when your out dont say anything to him but just use body language instead so he knows if he makes a move you'll deck him.

gary the great

NortSoide wrote:

I think U ought to make her your ex girlfriend.
I think this sort of stuff can only get worse and worse.

I think it would be ridiculous to throw away a 4 year relationship cos shes texting a bloke.

Imagine the breakup - "Im breaking up with you after 4 years cos although I love you I think your texting a bloke and im not happy about it"

The bloke shes texting is proboably giving her a bigger ego and shes enjoying it, only the OP knows if shes going to act on it though, but its unlikely if there in love.

I still think you should let this guy know that his texting is unacceptable and will earn him a beating if it doesnt stop. He obviously doesnt seem to care that shes taken so make it clear to him.

po0k

"If you don't want it read, don't write it in the first place."

Curiosity killed the cat etc.

Call her on it, or give her the cold shoulder.

The_B_Man

she checks ur messages when u receive them, ye? just ask to do the same to her. if she doenst let u then dont let her read yours! simple.

sure all u need to tell her is u know shes txtin him all the time and goin out drinkin wit him. that'll plant the seed in her head that'll lead to her own self destruction.

LegacyUser

OP why would you put up with this behaviour???
You girlfriend is not showing you any respect at all. Plus why is she texting him is the real question imo. 10 times a day is excessive and more than a bit of flirting
She knows you dont like it yet still does it???
I doubt she'd never think twice about dumping you if you were texting some girl.

I'd have dumped her, I think you need to get some self respect
Then again you can continue to be treated like sh*t and a doormat.

Grimlock

You have been together 4 years and never checked her messages but you feel the need to know.
Deep down you don't trust her and you don't like the contact with this guy.
I've never been in the situation but I have a good friend that has. GF always accusing him of cheating, then suddenly she got very secretive about her phone and ran off when ever she got a txt / call.
She was cheating and from what you've said I'd be amazed if your GF isn't cheating too.

Even if she's not, you guys have some serious trust and communications issues.

el tel

If you don't like what she is doing then tell her so and give her a choice. to either please you and stop, or please him and continue. If she chooses to get her kicks doing the latter then that's it, finish with her. Only a fool would dabble with all that texting behind their partner's back lark.

Belgareth

No matter what you found, going through personal records like that is wrong. I did it once and surprise surprise didnt like what I found and ended up in a worse state.

If she is texting someone that much then she is definitely up to something so you have a problem whereby you are suspicious and she is up to something not exactly honest. I'd admit what I did and see what happens, both are in some way wrong, just a matter of how much. This could be the time for all to come clean and wipe the slate, get to trust each other. If not then its going to be hard, but if she doesnt want to be faithful (and I think flirting with 10 txt messages is a bit much) and you cant be trusting then it doesnt look good?

Sorry if thats harsh, but maybe this could be a new beginning whereby you both treat each other with a bit of respect?

LegacyUser

Ok I know im a scumbag goin through her records but I just did it again (I had good reason to so I dont care what you think of me, whats shes doing is worse and I need proof to sort this out once and for all) and found out that every single day they are textin each other, including 14 times to day already.

Im gonna go up to her tonight and sort this **** out once and for all, im not having it. I know she will deny it and say shes just texting him a couple of times a week at most but im gonna set her straight. Cant believe shes lying to me like this.

Belgareth

fdjffoiggio wrote:

Ok I know im a scumbag goin through her records but I just did it again (I had good reason to so I dont care what you think of me, whats shes doing is worse and I need proof to sort this out once and for all) and found out that every single day they are textin each other, including 14 times to day already.

Im gonna go up to her tonight and sort this **** out once and for all, im not having it. I know she will deny it and say shes just texting him a couple of times a week at most but im gonna set her straight. Cant believe shes lying to me like this.

Yeah do that, it'll eat into you like a cancer if you dont, you need some resolution to this. Hopefully if she is just on an ego trip, you can call it quits, you both did wrong and maybe move on? Keep us up to date!

Two wrong dont make a right, but they can cancel each other out sometimes.....

rsta

Once any of that text flirting starts in a relationship and if one partner is hiding it from another its plain as day that the relationship is over.

I'm sorry to say but how can you trust that person again?

A bit of flirting isnt bad, but to the point where she is hiding it from you says its more than just flirting.

OP I would go ahead and cut her loose. Sounds like a bad egg to me. Even if you continue a relationship with her you will only doubt her again at some stage.

Good luck tonight and let us know how you go. Cheers.

Laslo

I have to say, anyone who thinks this is trivial and that he shouldn't dump her is being naive in the extreme. She's being a total cow, being extremely disrespectful to her boyfriend and, well, it's probably only a matter of time before she cheats. If she hasn't already. IMO he should dump her. Not easy after 4 years but better than suffering this bizarre and disgraceful behaviour any longer.

secret_squirrel

Just drop her like a stone.

No explanations - just tell her to get out of your life.

Even if she isnt cheating physically, she is cheating in her head.

14 Txt's a day every day is not platonic.


Alternatively -

ask yourself (and her) what she is getting from yer mans 14 texts a day that she isnt getting in your relationship - and try and fix it double quick.

Nevyn

If i had a friend my partner didnt like them or approve of them as a friend I sure as hell would not drop my friend.

Who the hell is a bf/gf think they are dictating who thier bf/gf can be friends with and who they are and are not allowed to communicate with ?

Tbh, I've texted plenty of people tons every day and it doesn't mean I want to do anything with them. More often than not, I'm not interested in them, I'm just chatting with them. I'm also ok with light flirting in a relationship as long as the partner is ok with it and not throwing unreasonable fits about it.
In conclusion, the pair of ye are a bit daft, tbh. OP stop snooping, and the gf should have a mutual respect of privacy or mutual openness with OP.

secret_squirrel

Thaedydal wrote:

Who the hell is a bf/gf think they are dictating who thier bf/gf can be friends with and who they are and are not allowed to communicate with ?

14 Texts a day - everyday - do you seriously believe they are all innocent?

Especially when she has already proved she has got something to hide by lying about the amount of messages.

If they arent innocent - then he has a right to find out whats going on.

He also has the right to call her up on the fact that her texting and her lying about it is damaging the relationship

secret_squirrel

secret_squirrel wrote:

14 Texts a day - everyday - do you seriously believe they are all innocent?

It's not impossible. Her hiding it is another matter though.

Nevyn

14 texts is nothing over the space of a day or an evenings converstaion with someone.

what is an issue is that the bf has an issue with the gf being in touch with a certain person.

This may not be as one sided as people think. If the bf is going to get stroppy because she is talk to her friend and be paranoid then yes she will not tell him
but should she have to hide the fact she is talking/texting with a friend ?

I believe they could be innocent.
I believe that with the paranoia, attempts of control, the lack of trust and lack of comunication is what will kill this relationship not someone texting thier friend.

LegacyUser

Of course he shouldn't have gone through her call log but that's a whole new thread re privacy.

A couple of years ago when I was in college I got on great with a girl who was in a relationship for 3 years. We were always texting i.e. 10 or more times a day, I knew she was in the relationship but loved the attention because I fancied the pants off her. I know her boyfriend at the time was very jealous of me and she kept telling him that he was being stupid. Eventually she did cheat on her boyfriend with me over the course of a year and he(and me btw but I deserved it) ended up getting hurt badly.

My point is, if the original poster's gut tells him that he can't trust his gf then he's probably right.

I feel rotten for what I did and would change it if i could but I know if it wasn't me she would have cheated on him with someone else. I've seen it happen a few times with other people since. I believe no guy and girl would be in constant contact everyday unless there was an attraction between them.

BeardyGit

Write what you will OP - You've really shown how low you can stoop by going back again to look through her records again. I think you used the word "scumbag"? I won't disagree.

Can you explain just how you think you're in a superior position here? You're just as devoid of respect as you claim her to be - The only difference here is that all you can do is count texts - But we KNOW you're acting like a low-life.

I can't wait until you tip your hand, letting your girlfriend know you've been spying on her. I just hope she has a chance to dump you before you can act. You'll deserve it too.....

smallpaws

I believe no guy and girl would be in constant contact everyday unless there was an attraction between them.


Sad to say, but that's what I think too, especially after talking like you already did with her. It may be one sided, it may be the guy really digs her and she just likes the attention and doesn't want you getting all jealous over nothing (hence lying to protect a guy is essentially harmless to you), but ........like another poster said, if you feel it in your guts, you're probably right.
People lie all the time, but guts hardly ever do.

Caryatnid

smallpaws wrote:

I believe no guy and girl would be in constant contact everyday unless there was an attraction between them.

I agreee with this. I've had/have various guy/girl mates, and really I don't think people text people ten times every day unless there is an attraction there.
Ten texts to one person in one day every now and then is totally normal, if you're organising something/talking about something or whatever, but not every day.

ANYWAY, This is what I really wanted to say:
Why are so many people giving the OP stick about checking the messages? I used to feel like this when I was younger and more naive, but now I've actually been through this situation and I feel totally different.

I was 'the girl' in the OPs story. I was the one just 'getting too close' to another guy while I was with my boyfriend. The truth is, I was actually unhappy with the situation and didn't tell my boyfriend about it because I didn't know how to bring it up. I didn't delete all the messages from 'the other guy'. My boyf checked my phone, and found the messages. He's actually really into personal privacy, and I know he was looking for something else but found this by accident.

I was really glad that he had checked my messages. I felt he had a right to know, and I was too ****ty and nervous and crappy to tell him. I was not mad at him for checking my messages because I totally deserved it, and tbh if I had really wanted him not to find out, I wouldn't have deleted them.

The final outcome was good. My boyfriend confronted me, we talked about the situation, and fixed it.

I don't know if this will help you at all OP - I don't want to give you too muc advice as I think that other people have given you lots of advice by now - but I just wanted to give you a different perspective. I think you should definitely confront her. Good can only come of that. Else you're in limbo. Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

Fanny Cradock

Gil_Dub wrote:

I can't wait until you tip your hand, letting your girlfriend know you've been spying on her. I just hope she has a chance to dump you before you can act. You'll deserve it too.....

ahh, the self-righteous poster. normally i think your posts are spot on gil_dub, but you've totally overreacted here. the vitriol you spew in your post is pretty shocking and completely uncalled for. he’s already stated that she regularly checks/ed his texts, and he really only checked hers after she became a little secretive and protective regarding texts she was receiving of late. because of this little fact, your justification for wanting a total stranger to get dumped is invalidated. remember: SHE CHECKED HIS TEXTS TOO.

Dustaz

i gotta agree with Fanny on this. Normally Gill_Dub is one of THE best posters on this board, but i have to agree that i think your way off the mark*.

We've all fallen foul to curiosity and it doesnt seem to be a taboo within their relationship. I dont think hes too much of a scumbag for doing what he did. Plus hes forewarned about a possible problem in their relationship.

Gotta agree that 14 texts a day is NOT just simple conversation. 14 texts a day is definite flirting and probably more.


* Mind you, as if to show that not everyone has gone mad, Thaed has completly missed the point and is talking nonsense as usual.

Mrs_Doyle

If I looked at my BF's phone records I wouldn't be able to 'NOT' say it to him.
I would tell him I looked, accept the bollocking that might follow and then ask what the story was with txting this oerson 10 times a day and then feeling the need to lie about how often they where txting them.

I know its not right to look at phone records/read someones txts or emails without their permission etc, but if I actually did do it, my main concern would be getting to the bottom of it, I wouldn't get preoccupied with getting away with the original snooping.

There might be a very logical explanation and you wont find out what it is until you come right out and ask for it.

BeardyGit

Maybe I'm getting the wrong end of the stick on this one....The OP wrote in his original post that his girlfriend was logged onto her O2/Vodaphone/Meteor/3 webpage and minimised it, instead of logging out. The OP's curiosity got the better of him and he had a look. Not what I'd do personally but fair enough, some people can't control themselves. He comes on here and states his piece, acknowledging he shouldn't have but that's the way it is.

Skip forward a day and he's back here to say he's been looking through her records again. This isn't casually picking up a mobile and having a look in the sent items folder, it's looking at her account using the webpage where she has mistakenly remained logged in. This is being done without her consent and while I'd let the curiosity thing slide the first time, the repeat visit a whole day later is blatant invasion of privacy. Now it's considered, planned, very deliberate invasion of privacy and abuse of trust.

Now that smacks of deliberate subterfuge on his part and he's basing his assessment of her guilt on nothing but numbers of texts to someone he also mentioned he's suspicious of in his first post. Why is it that he has asked her outright what's happening, received an answer from her that there's nothing going on and yet he still thinks counting text messages and watching her account info without her permission will prove her guilt. It won't. If he doesn't trust her, and I'm not saying he should for one minute, why doesn't he deal with it like an adult.

Don't act like some sort of misguided sleuth, attempting to trap the perpetrator by deceptive and ill considered means. Bring it out in the open and address it. Have enough respect for yourself to deal with it swiftly and with the minimum fuss and effort necessary. Decide you trust her and stop spying on her or else decide you don't trust her and get on with what you have to do.

Surely this is obvious? I'm all for calling her out if she's a lying, cheating bitch. But you're not going to prove that or support an accusation - All you'll do is compound your suspicions with something you can't actually substantiate. Now, if she let you read the text messages, you'd be in a different place and I'd say fair play to you for being assertive enough to take control of the situation and put her on the spot. But you're not - If she's changed her behaviour regarding you reading her texts openly (a questionable behaviour in the first place on both your parts), take it as an indication that she's up to no good if you want. I hope that clarifies my take on this.

It has nothing to do with me being self righteous - It has everything to do with two wrongs not making a right.

EDIT: Just one thing to add - I don't necessarily want to see the guy getting dumped. But let's remember that there are two sides to this story and we're only hearing one. If he thinks it's okay to behave like this, what's to say he's the loyal, loving and understanding partner everyone assumes he is? Does anyone think it possible the way she's behaving could be a consequence of creepy, possessive behaviour? Might be unlikely, but if he can't draw the line here - Where does he stop?

Julesie

But Gil_Dub i think the reason the OP went back to check the text log again is because his girlfriend blatantly lied to him when he first broached the issue with her. At least now he has his facts straight, knows exactly how much they have been texting each other and can tell his girlfriend as much. From what the OP has said so far i do think he is dealing with this in a grown up manner and the fault lies solely with his girlfriend but then thats the beauty of an internet forum, we are only getting one side of the story.

Fanny Cradock

very true, it is an abuse of trust. however, the deed has been done, and what remains is the question as to why the girlfriend has twice denied that she is texting this guy a number of times a day. personally, i don't think his her actions to date necessarily imply anything upon the lines of cheating – maybe it’s all harmless fun. this said, the guy has been going out with her for 4 years and would be in a better position to judge any unuasual behaviour. i think that the truth of the matter will determine if the OP, or for that matter the girlfriend is the villain here. possibly the end will justify the means.

Nevyn

Yes she should not have lied but why did she feel that she had to ?

Either she is 'carrying on' behind her bf back or

her decided he does not like her being friends with someone who happens to be male and wants her not to be in contact with her friend and is making her life miserible until he gets his way and is checking up on her to make sure she does not contact her friend.

It could be either.
Either way there are a lot of issues in this relationship and they need to talk about them and sort them out.

daveg

Personally I think you may have some trouble ahead mate. She is texting another male 14 times a day. That is not good.

My advice would be to ignore the male testosterone shíte posted here telling to you kick her to the kurb etc etc. You need to sit down and discuss in an adult manner. You need to tell her that you checked her text habits (and that you were wrong to do so). However you need to calmly tell her that you are concerned about this texting and that you would like an explenation for it. If you are unhappy with the reply you need to let her know and make sure she knows you find this unaccepatable and that it has to stop.

LegacyUser

OK heres what happened:

I said to her " if I left my call log on the vodafone website, would you look at it when i went home", to which she replyed "Ye, sure you have nothing to hide do you". Then I said well I looked at hers, then I questioned her about the frequency of her texting dis bloke. She continued to deny it even though I had proof, which pissed me of.

The she came straight and said she just feels sorry for him cos he sits at home all day (he cant work at the moment due to a medical problem) on his own and he doesnt really have any friends. She also said he asks about how I am (I had an accident recently) and he knows shes totally in love with me. I totally believe her, she reassured me that she is totally in love and happy with me and would never cheat. She just said hes a nice bloke but theres no way in hell she'd ever get with him cos shes so happy being with me.

Now I have no reason to doubt her on any of this because I do trust her. I told her im cool with her texting him cos im not really the jealous type. She totally saw it from my point of view and so everything is cool.

We also agreed that if one of us ever wanted to check the others messages etc they could as there is nothing to hide between us (although I wont be doing it again anyway!)

I just told her I was annoyed for her lying about it and hiding it from me but she said she didnt want me to feel jealous or anything so just didnt say anything.

So I think its problem sorted!

secret_squirrel

OP 1 - 0 Vitriolic Gil