Give me one good reason...

LegacyUser

...why I shouldn't take my own life? This is something which is increasingly crossing my mind. I'll explain (this could take a while).

I had a terrible childhood, was always bullied at school for reasons I don't exactly know. What I do know is I acted differently to many others, was very good at my studies and had (and still have) strange interests that nobody else has. My family even moved house because of this, and when that failed my parents told me I bring it on myself - they've never encouraged me. I look back at embarrassing things I did as a child and it makes me cringe.
Simply put, I hate myself. I never liked how I looked; in recent times I've been told otherwise though never took the comments on board. I never take anything positive on board yet the negative remarks enter me like a knife in the heart and remain there forever.
I'm 22 and haven't had much experience with girls. Out of desperation I managed to get my first kiss at 19. I've been close with two girls, the first one really hurt me and ever since that I've found it extremely hard to trust anyone. The second told me today that she "needs space" - which I don't know how to interpret, though she says she doesn't mean it in a bad way. My mam even told me last week that she thinks I'm incapable of being with a girl because I'm too suspicious of people. I feel such a failure when it comes to girls, I don't know how to treat them properly. When I get emotionally close to a girl I start getting paranoid, if she doesn't contact me as much as I'd like or if we fall out then I start feeling sick in my stomach, can't eat, and contract diarrhoea until I'm reassured that things are ok. Not the kind of person someone wants to be with.
I just quit a job I hate and now have the dubious task of finding something else, which I'm absolutely dreading. There's very little that I actually want to do. I fear change and am still a bit of a child in my head, not wanting to progress with the times.

Why should I continue on like this? If I have to endure this for another 60 odd years it'll be hell.

Riamfada

Hi

I can empathize alot with what you are saying . Alot of people have had very similar experiences as yourself. I know this is a cliché and not what you want to hear but alot of people were bullied in school , I for one was bullied right up untill 4th year of second level both mentally and physically so I can understand the pain and self hatred this causes.
It sounds to me that you have very loving parents. From what you say it would appear that they would do anything for you and to help you however our parents arnt professionals and they can become frustrated seeing a child go through such horror yet can do nothing to help which makes them say things they dont really mean , in my own case i often got "oh for F's sake would you ever just grow up" or "here we go again". But i never doubt their love and I hop you never doubt your parents.
Relationships are one of lifes best and worst situations. Its a shame you had a bad first relationship and girls often say they "need space" its the easiest way to break up with somone. Ive heard it plenty of times even though when I was 19 I thought I was going to die alone and never find anyone.

Im sure you feel alone and are going through mental turmoil and Im not going to say it'll get better or its not that bad because I thats a load of crap but only you can change it if you really want out. Its a spiral thats almost impossible to get out of but you should really see your GP or call the Samaritans because you are not alone no matter how much it feels like it. You quit your job and that was brave . Ruffle up your life, change your style and look for a job that will make you happy. Go back to college if you must and emerese yourself in things that you love and make you happy. I dont know you at all but I really hope you get through this and remember there is always people who care and who would do anything for you. Life will get better although it dosnt look like it now .

Mr Magnolia

You should maybe talk to a professional

www.samaritans.org/talk/local_branch.shtm

Tel (Republic of Ireland): 1850 60 90 90

Don't despair. Good luck.

Black Swan

I was in the dumps once and someone gave me a copy of a small paperback written by Viktor Frankel called Man's Search for Meaning. It reads like a novel and is about Frankel's survival of the Nazi concentration camps during WWII. You might want to check it out. It seemed to help me.:)

Marksie

There are a mutlitude of reasons why you should stay with us.
You are a unique indvidual, there is no-one quite like you in the world.

Despite what you might feel at the moment you do enrich the lives of people you know and those around you.

Your life is not a closed book with only one possible path. When things look dark it can seem that way but there are many paths that you can take. But opportunities present themselves all the time, it may only be small things initially, even a glorious day. But nothing is irrevocable for you, there is so much for you to experience and be in the future.
As you grow older your life experience will grow and things will change. Change is important for development, there is no need to fear it, but it can be hard to accept that you are going into the unknown, it IS scary, but exciting and exhilarating.

The effect of leaving us will have a major impact on those who know you. and it will not be positive.

I have previously posted on my experience of losing my nephew and all the effects you can either check them out or PM me.

In the short term, and this is something for you to consider, i visited my GP and obtained anti-depressants following a long conversation. I was only on them for a few months while i sorted things out and worked out where i wanted to go.

In essence, they helped me to climb out of the dark place where i was stuck. When things were clear, i stopped them and now look back at all that as a strengthening experience.
I wont say i will never get down again, but i can look back now and see exatcly where i made life affiriming choices and recognise when this is happening again.

For now, my advice would be to go to your GP, be open and discuss the matter, he may refer you to counselling or prescribe or both.

The point is these are positive choices you will regain some measure of control in your life.

I truly wish you well

blessings
mark

turbot

As the saying goes, suidice is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Why should you stay alive:

1) Because it's possible, despite your past, that your future could become brilliant (often accelerated by working on yourself and dealing with your issues)

2) Because it's impossible to tell what might happen in the afterlife, and the punishment for suicide might be that you have to wait in line, for a thousand years, amongst especially boring people.

3) Because if you don't feel good, there are loads of ways to feel better. Combine enough and you can incrementally improve. Improve enough for long enough and soon you'll be ok, and then good.

4) I'm curious what your interests are. In my experience of life, as someone who for a long time thought he'd never meet people on his wavelength, now in my late 20's, my friends are all into exactly the same stuff I am, yet when I was your age, I doubted this as even being possible.

5) Because to have more success with girls, it helps if you educate yourself. There are some resources out there that I've heard people swear by, for example:

http://www.doubleyourdating.com/

6) Because your past does not define your future

7) Because one day you might meet an uber-sexy girl who looks like she could be in playboy, who happens to share your quirky interests

8) Because it's naughty

9) Because our world is full of so many amazing experiences, that are possible if you work hard, adopt a good attitude, treat people well and aim for what you truly want

10) You're better off living your life as an experiement as to how much fun you can have, despite everything, instead of being grumpy.

Read:

"Ask and it is given" by Ester Hicks

Serpentine

God this post makes me so sad. I was in a boat very similar to this a few years ago and thank god I grabbed life by the balls and did something to shake it off. Do you really want to do that to your family, to all the people around you? You might dismiss them but do you want that hanging over your parents & friends?
No matter how perverse you may think your interests or how important it is to you to have success with girls, I'm telling you life itself is more important. Don't take the easy route, yes I know it takes some form of guts to take your life, but wouldn't you rather feel the sense of achievement that YOU turned your life around? You're the only person who can overcome this and I know you can. Your post is strong & articulate & I mean it, I was just like you and now I look back & think was that me?! You won't be like this for another 60years your situation will change so much trust me, are you not curious to see how?
"Don't let the world bring you down..not everyone here is that ****ed up and cold, remember why you came & while you're alive, experience the warmth before you go..."

Deadevil129

When you ask for reasons why you shouldn't kill myself you often hear a lot of stuff you don't really want to... For example...

You're life will get better, it wont always be like this.
I've been there, I know exacly how I feel.
You're being selfish.
People are much worse off than you.

I used to get fed evey one of those remarks and at the time I'd sit back and say "I don't want to hear it", which nobody does when they feel like you, but if you pull through how you feel now, you'll notice that every one of those statement rings true eventually.

If I'd have commited suicide years ago when I wanted to, if nothing else, I would have missed out on hearing people say things that made me realised "Hold one, you do care". I'm extatic that I'm still here, even through all those years of being bullied as a kid and having people brush me off during conversation, strangely enough, things got better. I'm a little like you, lots of quirky intrests, many times I've had people say "please, just stop talking, not one more word about *insert intrest here*", but I've actually found someone who doesn't necisarily love what I love but listens with open ears nontheless. He's also the first person I've ever heard say to me "no, go on, this is really interesting", well, said it with a straight face.

It's amazing what little things can do, in a year of meeting someone who was interested in what I had to say I became more outgoing, met new friends and gained some confidence. Whereas I used to panic before speaking out load, now I don't think about it and if I say something stupid, than so be it, lots of people say worse than I do.

Nobody can offer you a solution, only advice, talking to a proffesional would be a very good idea. But I will swear to you, you will reach a point where you decided "Christ, I'm glad I didn't kill myself." Yes it's really sad to look back on your childhood and think of how you were treated and to think of things your parents said or didn't say but at the end of the, it's the past now, maybe it made your life a living hell then, but don't let it make your life hell now.

LegacyUser

Please my friend dont do it. Please dont. I am in a horrible place right now, physically and emotionally but I keep thinking things will get better. Maybe they wont, but I am not going to give in. Never, life is far too precious to throw away.
Its sounds cliched and probably silly, but there is a line the clint eastwood film ''the unforgiven'' when they talk of killing a man ''its a hell of a thing to kill a man, you take away everthing he has and everything he might have''.
I mean that about yourself. Who knows where you will be in 6 months? Can you really deny yourself hope? Please think also of those who you will leave behind, do you want to hurt them? Please, please get some help, ring the samaritans, they have been kind to me on many occasions especially when I felt as low as you did. I wish I was there to talk to you in person, I really do. I am not a strong person by any stretch but I think at the most basic level I cant let go and the fact that you posted here means the same for you. You need someone to tell you that you shouldnt. Well take it from a stranger, I care, I really do. I dont have to meet you to know that you are worth having in this world. Dont hate yourself and do ring the samaritans, 1850 60 90 90 they are amazing people who do not judge.

If you really feel that you want to do this, take time to make sure that you have done everything possible to make yourself feel better - the worst thing you can do is to do it when there is still hope? Give yourself time and you will find that there is so much that you CAN do to make this better. If I thought that there was no hope and your pain was so great I would not try to stop you as I would respect your decision, but I cant respect it if you have not tried all that there is first. See a counsellor, there is no shame in that these days, your mind is just another part of your body that can break down like your knees or your throat or your even your hair! Getting it fixed is the way to go? You will be surprised how much they can help you, read about life and how great it is, even if you dont beleive it.

But dont, dont do anything until you have tried everything else. And even then, dont do anything. You could have the winning lotto numbers waiting for you, the girl of your dreams could be one casual meeting away, you could do anything but you cant if your gone?

ROund up:

Go to a counsellor.
Talk to your friends/family.
Read up on things like how to meet girls.
Talk to you GP too, they can help sometimes.
Ring samaritans when you are really low.
Try sport, its amazing how it can pick you up?
Join clubs, get hobbies.

Take care and keep posting, let us know how you get on. I CARE, if that means anything to you?

Dragan

Yeah, life can be rough….but no one said it was gonna be easy right?

Give you one reason not to kill yourself? How's about the fact that you are gifted with a life that others have taken from them against there will everyday? How's about you could be living in a country where to try and think an original thought would get you beaten, or shot. How's about the fact that you have no physical or mental disabilities that impede you on a daily basis? How about the fact that you can think and speak for youself? How about the fact that you took the step to quit a job you hated despite how scary that was? How about the fact that your are stronger than you think you or, else you wound have ended you life already?

I don't mind saying this under my actual account, but I was where you were for a while. The feeling is unreal….you just feel like there is no hope. For me it all changed when I just grew up in my head a bit. I was about 19 at the time….wow…I had 19 years that were tough…..i had the rest of my life to make it better.

I'm not saying "grow up", that is what I had to do and it is what I did…..i am just pointing out that as bleak as things can be….you still have plenty to be thankful for.

netwhizkid

To the OP, I was once in a similar position like yourself, however you must remember that things will always improve. I myself was bullied severely in Primary School mainly due to childhood obesity (which I have lost over the last two years), and a rather high-intellect, a 12 yr old showing the principal how to work those new Fangled Telecom Eireann Gateway 2000's gave me a many a bruise in the playground.

Anyway some of this carried over into secondary school and I dropped out after switching schools (however the school I switched to was amalgamated back into my old school 6months later) I dropped out after that. I didn't have too many friends and was seen a recluse and a bit of a herb.

However in the last two years I have swung my life around, I used always be pessimistic about the future but in 2004 everything changed I began to take a brighter outlook on life and having the best holiday of my life in New York that Easter (despite having been there before) and following my beloved Kerry to the foot of the Hogan stand that September evening put me on the right track for life.

Now so this year I have myself a nice car and have started going out and socialising, heck I even now have a few drinks something I couldn't even contemplate two years ago, I can go talking to women, I get rejected but so is life, I'm sure she will be rejected too sometime. Life has so much to offer I am loving every minute of it. I am only 19 now but sure have changed a good bit, you could do the same watch that Movie "40 Yr old Virgin" it is a comedy yes but has an underlying common message. You can do it buddy we all get sad at times I myself when I hear that moaner inside my head turn on some of my favourite music and that quickly cheers me up.

As others have said, seek help it is a permanent solution to short term problem, You can succeed I felt miserable too but am no on top of the world.

justafriend?

A reason to life - remember that tommorrow is another day! And tommorrow's possibilities and opportunities are endless..... if only you could realise that all you need to do is reach out and grasp them...!

You have gotten some really good advice here. You really need to contact your GP, or the Smaratians.

Aware is also a really good organisation that helps people who are suffereing from depression (an their families)- they also have a telephone help line.

My friend became incredibly low after her friend committed suicide - the impact it has on loved ones is just devestating.

I know that she herself never actually considered suicide.....but she just couldn't understand the point of living anymore..... and would constantly wonder why are we here.... etc.... she lost all her energy and became totally lethargic....

She went to a counsellor and got some professional help.... now she looks back on that as a very low point in her life but is stronger for it.

There are so many people out there who want to help all you have to do is be brave enough to ask!

I sincerly hope that you feel better soon!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, though I'm not feeling any better today than I was last night. My sleep is all over the place, fair enough I am getting it, though when I wake up in the morning I lie in bed for hours as I've no desire to get up. I've only been out of bed for an hour.
I'm still asking myself questions about my friend. I don't want to get into any detail about her since she's a member on here so there's every possibility she could read this. The only thing I will say is that I care about her deeply and I've no idea what I've done wrong.
I don't really want to get into detail about my interests either, that would probably expose me there and then. Though I know for a fact that no girl would ever be into them.

Ok, out of my shell I come, little need to be anonymous anymore.

She read this thread earlier, immediately knew it was me, and talked to me about it. We have broken up . Still, I respect her decision and I feel better now I know. Some people say the truth hurts but to me, uncertainty hurts even more.

So now I contacted my clinical psychologist. Not sure why, but I was trying to go this alone for the last 4-5 months to no avail. But after reading what I wrote last night I thought to myself "what am I doing?" so called him up to book an appointment.

I suppose that's it for now...

Marksie

Karsini wrote:

So now I contacted my clinical psychologist. Not sure why, but I was trying to go this alone for the last 4-5 months to no avail. But after reading what I wrote last night I thought to myself "what am I doing?" so called him up to book an appointment.

I suppose that's it for now...

Well done, the greatest journeys start with a single step.

I hope everything goes well for you
best of luck

Riamfada

i hope everything works out okay for you

remain unknown

hey OP,
I felt the same as you just over a month ago. I was so depressed. Hated myself and everyone else. Funnily enough this boards got me through alot of it. Talk about it to people. It will get better. Take each day at a time. Your still young, like me, and are just starting to build your life. Dont rush into it, because if you build your life too quick, your foundations will crumble. Build a strong base. Start by doing the things you love. You say you have strange hobbies, thats a good thing. It means that there are things in life u enjoy doing. As was quoted to me before on this

"Sometimes your life needs to fall apart, so you can rebuild it how YOU want"

Remember that you are in control of you. You sound honest and caring. Work on those traits. Socialise, laugh, play and enjoy. Without sounding harsh, you HAVE to fix your own life, nobody else will. Have you ever had something that broke, that you then went and got fixed? Think of your life like that. Things break, but things get fixed. Upgrade yourself! Stand in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and ask who you are. What you want in life. What makes you happy. You will be surprised. Self realisation is a scary thing, but in a good way. Stand in the middle of a field and scream until it hurts. Then you will know what pain is. When the pain goes, you will understand why life is the way it is. Sometimes your life has to be in the sh!t, for you to realise that what you actually have, is a pretty cool life.

Best of luck man, if you ever need a pint, just PM me!

The_B_Man

do you have any siblings? u oviously still have your mother. how would you feel if she died? if u kill urself, she'll be gutted. thats a basic reason for not killin urself. how would u do it? hang urself, stab urself? u really think u can do that to urself.

regardless, things in life tend to pop up outta the blue. there was me feelin miserable the last while for wastin me college degree and workin in a crappy job, when all of a sudden i have a job interview for a really good job on friday that will set me up for life. wat if i had;ve topped meself yesterday. see what i mean. ur welcome to feel miserable and waste ur life if u want, but the truth is u just dont know what the future holds. plus, think of all the ppl at ur funeral that'll be depressed. that'll be ur fault.

Kuz_3040

Life is very hard to deal with at the best of times but its how we deal with it that makes us who we are in the future your still young and have everything to live for. At the end of the day you got ask yourself "have you done everything you possibly could ever do and achieved everything you need to in life" basically have you lived your life is what you need to ask urself. if u have then fine uv aint got nothin left to live for which is harsh but at the end of the day der isnt a single person living or dead who can say they lived their life to fullest and done everythin they needed to do. We are all here for a reason and all have a purpose and in my opinion ur only 22 and still have far too much left to do. Im not goin to say that i hope things get better for you because i dont need to simply because things will get better no hope required you just need to make sure things get better for you

nudge

I was in a similar place to you for scarily similar reasons. I always felt different and like I was odd most of the time. However, I got counselling a few years back and it helped me a lot. It is not a magic cure but it sure as hell helped me feel a lot better. The biggest thing it taught me was that I am normal and sometimes saying things out loud to a stranger makes the problem seem like not such a big one because you actually hear yourself saying it. I have to say since the counselling, i have had very few negative thoughts. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hey, I'm really sorry about how you're feeling and what I'm about to say might sound stupid but it made sense to me when I was feeling kinda like you are. Is there a particular TV series you like? Do you want to know what happens? Is there a sports team you follow? Do you want to know how they do next season? Have you seen a trailer for a film that looked good and that you'd like to see? This stuff sounds so insignificant but it's little things like that that make up our lives and it the smallest thing can bring you, if not happiness, hope.