How to handle a depressed friend.

LegacyUser

First a bit of info: I am male, late 20's. I have a good friend, she is 24, recently arrived here from pola n d... We are not a couple... small romance in the past alright but nothing serious. It's dead and buried now; we're only friends.

The problem: It appears she is chronically depressed. I am only seeing this now. She is up and down like yo-yo. She seems very positive one day, then ridiculously depressed the next. It came to a head today when she cracked up at lunch time and broke down into tears in the middle of a city centre cafe. She feels trapped here. She reckons she doesn't stand a chance of getting a job at home; that's one of the reasons she came here. On the other hand she could go back home, but apparently things aren't too good with her old man being a big drinker and he bates her an awful lot. She's working on and off since she got here... it's been a tough time to arrive here as there are feck all jobs for a while anyway - maybe that will improve in September.

It's as if the world is literally caving in on her. She is on very tender hooks. She lives with 2 lads I think, they seem grand, but sometimes when she is super sensitive their slaggings can get to her and she would be suffering in silence again. She came clean with me today, telling me that she hates everything that's going in her life right now. I genuinely feel sorry for her and I have a feeling that I'm one of the few people she knows well enough that she can tell stuff to.

Problem is I'm not a psychologist. True, I've been down once or twice in my life, but I realise how easy I have it when I see what sort of a bottomless pit she seems to be stuck in. Behind all the smiles, she is withering. I can see it.

How on earth can I help her improve? If I offer advice it seems to fall on deaf ears. She has an awful habit of snapping back at me and complaining, that at this stage I can't tell when she's being serious about what she's complaining about... that's not meant in a bad way. She is a really really decent person, but sometimes you'd never think it.

I wish she had some decent girlfriend with her but she doesn't... so...

Any suggestions? How do I help this molly pick herself up?

The_Conductor

There is a vibrant Polish community here in Ireland- organised by Polish/Irish who've been here for over 40 years. They organise a number of regular events for younger people and also act as a drop-in centre where Polish people can go for tea and a chat about whatever.

A few links for you:

Polish Information and Cultural Centre- 56/57 Lower Gardiner Street, Dublin 1
"The Polish House" 20 Fitzwilliam Place , Dublin 2 (they have barbeques and other events)......

(My godmother is a Polish GP living here in Dublin since the 60's- if you PM me off-list I will give you her phone no- she will no doubt be able to give other suggestions and pointers.)

Ireland is almost sold in Poland like the US was sold to us for years (short of the streets being paved with gold that is....) Polish people often have very unrealistic expectations about what to expect here, and irrespective of how good they are at working- our workforce is fast approaching saturation point (to the point that unemployment is actively creeping upwards again for the first time in 4 years). It has reached the stage where being available for work is no-longer a guarantee of work- employers are picky and are now in a position to choose between candidates. Come September, students will be going back to college etc- so a lot of posts which were filled by students *may* be available again. At the end of the day its a case of knocking on doors- applying for jobs, going to interviews, putting your best foot forward etc. I would suggest that you talk to someone who interviews people regularly and try to organise a few mock interviews for your friend- that sort of feedback may be invaluable to her.

I know she is depressed, unfortunately all she can really do is keep trying- and with a little help, she will get where she wants to go.

Victor

looking_out wrote:

The problem: It appears she is chronically depressed. I am only seeing this now. She is up and down like yo-yo. She seems very positive one day, then ridiculously depressed the next.

This sounds like manic depression - depressiuon followed by excessive hapiness, but it needs a psychologist / psychiatrist to diagnose that. Try to get her in contact with a doctor, who will be able to recommend her to a specialist. Its quite possible that her expenses will be modest, but check that her social insurance is in order.

As a friend, be there for her when she needs someone, but don't let her abuse your care. Try to put some positive things in her life. Keep her busy - an idle mind strays too far and can end up thinking the worst of an OK situation.