No sex

LegacyUser

OK. I'm new here, but this is the problem. I've been dating my bf for nearly 4 months now. I'm 25 he's 30. I love him to bits and he told me he feels the same. Our relationship is mostly good. We get along good and have tons of laughs. But we haven't had sex yet. We have fooled around, you know, foreplay and stuff. And have been naked together and slept together, but no sex. Every time we get close to having sex he just backs off. I asked him why and he keeps saying he's just not ready yet. I'm starting to think that I'm just not attractive enough. I love him and I want our rrlationship to work, but I just don't know what to do. Has this ever happened to anyone else?

Marksie

if you mean by sex, penetration, some of the best lovemaking can be had without it. If we take his comments at face value then perhaps he is not ready for penetrative intercourse.

It has happened with me and female partners it is just a matter of letting them catch up.
We concentrated on really exploring each other and setting foundations so that my partner felt very comfortable with penetration when it finally happend.

My advice for now is to concentrate on all other aspects of "foreplay" and just make love with each other leaiving pentetration to one side. You never said that he didnt get an erection which is a sign that maybe he doesnt find you attractive. Penetration is only one small part of it. It is entirely possible to drive each other completely wild without it.

It may be that he is worried about possible pregnancy or that he has simply not reached the stage you have.

If it continues, just communicate openly what you are feeling. But try not to pressure him into performing.

Ruu_Old

Maybe he needs a bit more confidence or you to control and guide him a bit more (but don't be too pushy). Good luck, give him time.

The_Conductor

I think you are going to have to sit down with your boyfriend and discuss this. There could be any of a number of reasons for this- i.e. he could be quite religious (catholic) in his views, or indeed it could be any of a long list of other things. Do not beat yourself over it- its highly improbable that he does not find you attractive- there very obviously is something bothering him though. Talk to him....

ircoha

smccarrick wrote:

I think you are going to have to sit down with your boyfriend and discuss this. There could be any of a number of reasons for this- i.e. he could be quite religious (catholic) in his views, or indeed it could be any of a long list of other things. Do not beat yourself over it- its highly improbable that he does not find you attractive- there very obviously is something bothering him though. Talk to him....

talking is key, as stated above. You need to explore it very slowly and be aware that perhaps he was abused as a child or in school etc etc. There may be medical rereason for him not being able to get an erection etc. Slowly but surely is the key, with loads of communication, verbal and otherwise.

Good luck:)

jesus_thats_gre

Damnunpretty wrote:

I'm starting to think that I'm just not attractive enough.

Everytime you think this you should consider slapping yourself for making it al about you.. There could be many reasons he is not "up" for it.

The fact that he is with you for a few months, tells you how he feels about you, enjoys your company and does everything other that have actual sex makes it pretty obvious that it is nothing to do with being not attracted to you.

Try to gain his trust and understanding instead of acting like an insecure 12 year old about it.

abetarrush

Not takin the piss or anything but he could be gay

LegacyUser

Yip same thing happened to me and my girlfriend.

The first time we tried to have sex I lost my erection and then every time we would be fooling around and come to try again I just kept thinking about what happened before and I would lose it again.

She was great about it and would tell me not to worry about it. Once I did build up my confidence and got going we couldn't stop and still can't . Its called performance anxiety and its very common.

I'm sure if he didn't love you he wouldn't be with you now

Gordon

jesus_thats_gre wrote:

Try to gain his trust and understanding instead of acting like an insecure 12 year old about it.

Try and make your point without the personal insult next time please.

LegacyUser

ircoha wrote:

talking is key, as stated above. You need to explore it very slowly and be aware that perhaps he was abused as a child or in school etc etc. There may be medical rereason for him not being able to get an erection etc. Slowly but surely is the key, with loads of communication, verbal and otherwise.

Good luck:)

Oh s****! I never even considered he might have been abused.

free2fly

Don't blame yourself OP. I was in a similar situation a while back. He had a problem, not me. He couldn't get over a previous love who had cheated on him. It affected our whole life together. I'm not saying that this is the problem with your boyfriend. I am just saying don't feel bad about yourself because of this. I'm sure he would feel terrible if he knew you felt this way because of him. Take it slow with him. Be patient. And be sure to comminucate your feelings. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Damnunpretty, first thing is that this isn't horrendously unusual... I think.

It happened to me before, I was going with this girl for a few months, we were 25 and 26, we were mad about each other,and like you, we were in the sack but I just didn't have the bottle to have intercourse. Without being too graphical, we did pretty much everything else except have intercourse.

One time, after 3 weeks of going out, I asked as we were having a bit of a mooch on the couch if she wanted to do it. She said "we are not sleeping together". I thought, "No problem - I'll leave it be. No pressure on her. No pressure on me to perform I suppose. And no risk of babies/anything else".

So it went on that we would just horse around the bedroom but no intercourse. From being in bed with her, I can tell you that the main issue for her was getting pregnant... condom or no condom.,.. I think it freaked her out. I was completely grand with this. Probably a bit too much so in fact, because it has twisted me into her way of thinking now, in that it freaks ME out that I might accidentally get a girl pregnant. Summary now is that I'm 29, and I have slept with one girl that I completely trusted, but I'm so bloody careful now that I probably don't enjoy myself as some of the other lads... I'd rather wait and at least try to get it right....

One thought for you - If you are serious about him, be patient. If he was serious about you, he'd be paient too if the roles were reversed. Don't force it. otherwise it's thrashy and crap. just let it happen when it happens.

LegacyUser

Hammer1999 wrote:

Yip same thing happened to me and my girlfriend.

The first time we tried to have sex I lost my erection and then every time we would be fooling around and come to try again I just kept thinking about what happened before and I would lose it again.

She was great about it and would tell me not to worry about it. Once I did build up my confidence and got going we couldn't stop and still can't . Its called performance anxiety and its very common.

I'm sure if he didn't love you he wouldn't be with you now

amen to that !!