Body Language

cinnamon

Hi, this may sound like a stupid question
there is a guy I like in work. I talk to him a good bit and we get on really well. I am a bit shy but I can still chat to him. He is a good bit younger than me though and I have been hurt in the past so sometimes when talking to him I might fold my arms or keep a protective arm across my body. I thnik it may be a bit of a defense mechanism. The age thing doesnt bother me - he is quite mature in a lot of respects. But if he is interested, what would it look like if my arms were folded all the time?
Sorry if this is a really stupid question. I really like him - I suppose I'm really afraid of dropping my guard

spurious

It would look like you're not interested.
Touch him lightly on the forearm as you speak to him. Maintain eye contact. Laugh at his jokes.

Peace

I can read body language and if it was me I'd wonder why you were so defensive.

Some people can't read body language to save their own lives, so who nows what yer man is thinking.

Femelade

cinnamon wrote:

Hi, this may sound like a stupid question
there is a guy I like in work. I talk to him a good bit and we get on really well. I am a bit shy but I can still chat to him. He is a good bit younger than me though and I have been hurt in the past so sometimes when talking to him I might fold my arms or keep a protective arm across my body. I thnik it may be a bit of a defense mechanism. The age thing doesnt bother me - he is quite mature in a lot of respects. But if he is interested, what would it look like if my arms were folded all the time?
Sorry if this is a really stupid question. I really like him - I suppose I'm really afraid of dropping my guard

i dont think guys take much notice of your arms being folded or not. Just smile loads when talking to him...well not so much that you look dememented, and eye contact is always good.
I wouldnt worry about the arms tbh.

cinnamon

thanks for the replies.
Yes it does look like i'm not interested. This guy did a social studies course so he might know about body language.
Yes I will try and stop folding my arms. Mostly when sitting chatting to him I fold my arms, unfold them, play with things - generally very fidgety. I am really afraid of appearing too eager though. I really don't know if it would freak him out that an older woman would be interested in him

LegacyUser

It just goes to show that body language is a load of old tosh. You've just said you like him but you keep your arms crossed. Proves the point.

If he likes you he'll like you with your arms folded or not. I never been put of some one thats liked me because they cross there arms. Ask him out for a drink.

Dragan

cinnamon wrote:

Sorry if this is a really stupid question. I really like him - I suppose I'm really afraid of dropping my guard

It may or may not mean anything to him....but it would be best to try and open up a bit more in that way when talking to him....if you are interested in him you will need to do this for yourself as well!

I would like to point out that a good looking lady who is a bit older can be a bit of a fantasy....for me anyway!!!....so it might be best if you consider that what ever signs you might give he might write off as his own wishful thinking!!

Don't be too obvious, but be persistant.....maybe if you have a common interest or are in the same place at the same times sometimes ( this can happen, especially things like clubs, pubs and even gyms ) then "run into him" a few times outside of work as well???

Best of luck!!!

FlutterinBantam

Good bit younger?.... Are we talking 5..10...15...20 yrs.....!!!!!

Need to have some idea before advice could be given here.

Otherwise a waste of time

Colm_OReilly

It will come off as defensive, even if that's not your intent.

The first couple of times you open up your BL you'll feel nervous. Anxiety is good, it means you're growing.

Spurius is right about the touching. Touching makes contact real and enriches the experience. But, don't be embarassed if he looks at your hand when you touch his arm. He mightn't be socially calibrated enough not to draw attention to it.

On the flip side, don't be upset if he doesn't react to your touching, he definitely notices it. If he starts touching you back - excellent.

Finally, on eye contact, if you break eye contact by looking down and then back up, it's a sign of attractin. Up and away, a sign of boredom.

Take some risks,
Colm

Marksie

Folding arms, is a classic defense mechanism.

Try and keep them open, point your body towards when he is talking and look at him in the face.. without staring someting like this not this :eek: .

the question is why are you afraid of dropping your guard if nothing of importance has happened between you two. Surely if you are interested it is best to establish if he is interested before worrying about any future possibility of being hurt?

LegacyUser

It's a bit offputting really.
Can U not find something else to do with your arms ?

metrovelvet

Why dont you try unfolding your arms and see how it changes the conversation and the feeling in the room.

Stand up tall and straight, own your space, dont fidget, be present.

I don't know about the touching because it's a work environment.

Colm_OReilly

the question is why are you afraid of dropping your guard if nothing of importance has happened between you two. Surely if you are interested it is best to establish if he is interested before worrying about any future possibility of being hurt?

I don't know exactly the reason but it could be down to habit.

When you're looking at posture if someone has held their head low for so long the muscles are used to looking down. Holding your head high requires extra muscular effort as well as conscious effort to tell you to keep your head up.

I used to keep my hands in my pockets since that was comfortable for me. However, citerus parabus having your hands out of your pockets displays more confidence. I had to go through that anxiety phase of keeping them out of my pocket. Now it feels natural for them to hang by my sides.

Colm

Marksie

NortSoide wrote:

Can U not find something else to do with your arms ?

Wave them over your head or flap like a chicken.. attracts attention alright.

Metrovelvet: good point, it is a work environment. I have known someone done for touching between elbow and shoulder. They meant nothing by it, but current legislatrion says it don't matter its how the other person feels. And apply the 7 second rule when looking at someone.. no more than seven seconds directly

Cake Fiend

Am I the only one who would be very surprised if this guy even notices whether her arms are crossed or not?

Demetrius

I agree with Sico. Many guys ( and people in general) aren't bothered by really subtle body language like an arm-fold or arm across the body so long as it isn't coupled with an icy glare.

metrovelvet

Guys do not notice it in an obvious way but it does send subtextual signals which are picked up on on an intuitive level.

Learning to master your body language and vocal tones has subtle tremendous influence.

LegacyUser

Sico wrote:

Am I the only one who would be very surprised if this guy even notices whether her arms are crossed or not?

You're not the only one!

I asked the lads in the office today and not one of them said they ever noticed or would be bothered.

The only way we get the hint is by the way a girl responds to a conversation and her facial expression and even that some times doesn't put us off!

Pixie4

He may not have even noticed that you tend to fold your arms...you are so conscious of it yourself that you assume that he has picked up on it too but maybe not! Just try and relax when you are in his company.....I'm gonna repeat a question already asked....how much younger is he???? Just curious. Hope it all works out for you.

cinnamon

double quote

cinnamon

ok age difference :eek: I'm 30, he's 21 and I know ppl are gonna say blah, blah we're at different stages etc. But I am not looking for a husband, I'm a "mature" student and he is looking to open his own business, so I think we meet in the middle - I am quite immature for my age and he is mature for his.

Someone mentioned why I'm afraid to drop my guard if nothing has happened between us - I think it's the age thing - I dont want to act all girly and silly and look a fool if there is nothing there

Ok and I know ppl will say - God come on you're 30 - be a woman and just ask him out but sorry I'm just not that brave

Pixie4

Snap!! I totally understand where you are coming from...am in the same situation myself....I'm just hoping that it'll all work itself out naturally...maybe thats naive but here's hoping.....really hope it works out for you too....feck the age difference, afterall its only a number!!

cinnamon

Pixie4 wrote:

Snap!! I totally understand where you are coming from...am in the same situation myself....I'm just hoping that it'll all work itself out naturally...maybe thats naive but here's hoping.....really hope it works out for you too....feck the age difference, afterall its only a number!!

hi, do you mean you have the same situation regarding age or the body language thing?

Marksie

Cinnamon,

When i was 21 i went out with a 30yr old who i worked with. Even though the relationship didnt last (3 years) we are still good friends after 21 years.

Life is too short to close off. I have found that yes while i have been hurt, there is so much joy to be had just keeping open.
So my advise is to take the chance, rather than look back and regret not going for it. Just ask him for a drink, acting "girly and silly".. just be yourself dont try to be anyone else.
The only person who will feel that you are afool is yourself, what is your inner self telling you?
Slightly off post but I think forget body language and take a more direct approach

cinnamon

marksuttonie wrote:

Cinnamon,

When i was 21 i went out with a 30yr old who i worked with. Even though the relationship didnt last (3 years) we are still good friends after 21 years.

Life is too short to close off. I have found that yes while i have been hurt, there is so much joy to be had just keeping open.
So my advise is to take the chance, rather than look back and regret not going for it. Just ask him for a drink, acting "girly and silly".. just be yourself dont try to be anyone else.
The only person who will feel that you are afool is yourself, what is your inner self telling you?
Slightly off post but I think forget body language and take a more direct approach

Hi Mark
Thanks for the advice. Yes the age doesnt bother me at all. I am only getting to know this guy but already we have so much in common, in fact it is scary the amount we have in common. I would love to be direct and ask him out but I can't.
Can I ask you was it this woman who initiated it with you? If he is interested, I think he should do the asking.

PS I think my inner self is telling me to be careful, I may get hurt. so I really don't want to ask him out. I am too shy for that

Marksie

cinnamon wrote:

Can I ask you was it this woman who initiated it with you? If he is interested, I think he should do the asking.

Well she was my boss at the time. And it, like with yourself took time to develop. hard to tel really: I remember now after 21 years how it DEFINITELY sarted.
We were jusst talking about university experiences on day. And i just said, "you know if we were at uni togeher we would have been good friends I think"

Her reply was " we would have been much more than that"

and THAT is how it started

Actually it didnt reall matter whoi did the asking because BODY language gave it all away.
we were open all the time. Lots of eye contact etc.

cinnamon

marksuttonie wrote:

Her reply was " we would have been much more than that"

I like it. Very sexy, older woman confidence. It's a bit pathetic but I probably wouldn't have the nerve to say this. I can flirt with ppl I don't fancy but with ppl I do, it's lucky if I can hold a conversation with them.
I'd imagine it was her confidence that drew you in (well apart from other things).
I suppose I just have to be a bit bolder.

Colm_OReilly

I can flirt with ppl I don't fancy but with ppl I do, it's lucky if I can hold a conversation with them.

You're not alone, most people are like that.

I suppose I just have to be a bit bolder.

Feel Fear. Do Courage. Gain Confidence.

Colm

Marksie

cinnamon wrote:

I'd imagine it was her confidence that drew you in (well apart from other things).
I suppose I just have to be a bit bolder.

Not really cinnamon to be honest, her marriage was ending and she was lacking in confidence.
She just took the chance.

cinnamon

Sorry to be so nosey - just trying to get the guy's perspective!
So the two of you got on really well. Before she "came on" to you, did you even consider her as 'girfriend' material, or as someone you would be interested in.

I'm just curious as to what goes through a 21 year old guy's head when in such a situation. I mean it is fair to assume that this guy sees me as too 'old' for him. I know when I was 21, 30 was really old :eek:

Marksie

cinnamon wrote:

So the two of you got on really well. Before she "came on" to you, did you even consider her as 'girfriend' material, or as someone you would be interested in.

I'm just curious as to what goes through a 21 year old guy's head when in such a situation. I mean it is fair to assume that this guy sees me as too 'old' for him. I know when I was 21, 30 was really old :eek:

I wouldn't assume anything to be honest cinnamon.
Did i consider her girfriend material.. well she was married! but breaking up.

Someone i was interested in, definitely, from many aspects actually: Age was never an issue, ever. Period

I was different than other 21 year olds anyway (probably anone who kows me would say i am just dIfferent lol), and it was :eek: ... 21 years ago and i am from the UK.

Point is cinnamon... there is only one person you can ask and thats the person involved. Have you ever thought of just asking him something non- threatening like: i have tickets for the cinema would you like to come, or theatre.

Looking back now and if someone asked would you enter a relationship with a 30yr old again.. based on MY experience YES. Based on hers and that after 21 years we can pick up the phone after 6 months and its as if we had seen each other yesterday: The answer would be yes for her as well. (ACTUALLY i meant if i was 21 and with a 30 yr old. I am 42 so the answer would definitely be YES ..end joke)

constitutionus

by the way in regards to the arm crossing thing, while most people know its a defensive thing some guys think its about emphasising the breasts! a bit like when a girl puts her hands on her hips. some think she's pissed off, some think she's saying "check these out!" just thought you'd like to know

AngryBadger

cinnamon wrote:

Mostly when sitting chatting to him I fold my arms, unfold them, play with things - generally very fidgety. I am really afraid of appearing too eager though. I really don't know if it would freak him out that an older woman would be interested in him

Yea, see, if someone was like this around me I'd assume she was interested and obviously nervous about it. Thing is just because a guy knows you're interested, 9and I'm not saying he does), doesn't mean he's going to do anything about it, so maybe you need to worry less about what vibes you're putting out there and more about how you're going to bag him!

AngryBadger

constitutionus wrote:

by the way in regards to the arm crossing thing, while most people know its a defensive thing some guys think its about emphasising the breasts! a bit like when a girl puts her hands on her hips. some think she's pissed off, some think she's saying "check these out!" just thought you'd like to know

.....Thanks for giving away my only two reasons to argue with girls

Third_Echelon

MembersClub wrote:

It just goes to show that body language is a load of old tosh. You've just said you like him but you keep your arms crossed. Proves the point.

If he likes you he'll like you with your arms folded or not. I never been put of some one thats liked me because they cross there arms. Ask him out for a drink.

Its not a load of old tosh.... Its actually the most important form of communication... 58% of your communication/transaction with a person is through body language alone. 35% is your tone/emphasis, 7% are the actual words that you use...

Folding your arms is a classic defensive pose. It also is a sign of insecurity, embaressment etc.

We don't consciously recognise these signals, but they give a feeling of defensiveness or uncomfortableness. We actually pick this up without actually thinking "she's being defensive". A 3rd party looking at your conversation/interaction will pick up on it straight away though.

Getting back to the OP, if you actually like him, try and adjust your body language. Keep up eye contact (not too much though), and generally be open to him. By folding your arms, you are defeating yourself from the very beginning of the conversation...

cinnamon

Third_Echelon wrote:

, if you actually like him, try and adjust your body language. Keep up eye contact (not too much though), and generally be open to him. By folding your arms, you are defeating yourself from the very beginning of the conversation...

Yes there is a lot of eye contact. I've started keeping my body open with him, so will let you know if anything happens. We have a staff night out in a couple of weeks, so if anything is supposed to happen, it will probably happen there. I won't get my hopes up though.