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Accident reports

Mr. Presentable

These excuses were on accident claim forms of a major insurance company.
You may have seen them before, but maybe not

1 The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

2 I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

3 A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

4 The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

5 I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

6 The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

7 I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

8 I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

9 As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

10 The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

11 To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

12 My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

13 An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

14 When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

15 The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

16 I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

17 Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

18 The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

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Diddy Kong

nipplenuts wrote:

13 An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

If only we could all claim that one

Kojak

Excellent.

jobonar

nipplenuts wrote:

11 To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

15 The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

16 I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

17 Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

18 The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

^the best 1's

! very good tho!

Lone Wolf

nipplenuts wrote:

16 I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

Excellent and 13 is great too.

poggy

nipplenuts wrote:

5 I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

rofl

this one is class.

Capt'n Midnight

The OP's were from Jasper Carrot who swear they were true.

These are probably from the same source - some duplicates

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"My car got hit by a submarine."
(The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim

==================================================
Norwich Union, which yesterday revealed that freak incidents involving animals top the list of bizarre motor claims.

The company has compiled a list of the "ten weirdest claims" it received last year, and at the top of the list was:
"A frozen squirrel fell out of a tree and crashed through the windscreen on to the passenger seat."
In second place was: "The car was parked, when a reindeer fell on the bonnet." The others were:
"As I was driving round a bend, one of the doors opened and a frozen kebab flew out, hitting and damaging a passing car."
"A herd of cows licked my car and caused damage to the paintwork."
"A zebra collided with my car when I was at a safari park."
"While I was waiting at traffic lights, a wasp went down my trouser leg, which made me hit the accelerator and prang the car in front."
"I couldn't brake because a potato was lodged behind the brake."
"My parked car was hit by a bull which had escaped from an agricultural show."
"A cow jumped on my quad bike."
"As I came over a hill, I hit a cow in the middle of the road, which then hit the bonnet and shattered the windscreen with its rear end" (the cow survived).

===============================================
Car Accidents...

* I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
* As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
* My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
* The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
* A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
* I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
* I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
* I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
* The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
* I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.

Incidents with Pedestrians

* The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
* I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
* To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
* The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
* The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
* I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
* A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
* I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.

Collision and Calamity

Some drivers can have accidents even when there are no pedestrians or other vehicles in sight...

* Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
* I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
* I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
* In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
* The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
* I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
* The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
* I pulled in to the side of the rode because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
* The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

Who is to Blame?

Drivers are often asked to explain on the insurance claim form who they think was to blame for the accident...

* The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
* I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.
* On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
* I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
* The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.
* I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
* An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.