BF Vs EX

LegacyUser

Basically my ex boyfriend broke up with me almost a year ago. We didn’t have any contact for a few months. He then contacts me.

During this period, I met someone else but my ex was trying to woo me back (and still is).

I decided that I would give the new relationship a chance. I really liked this new guy. He excited me. He still does. We’ve been together now about 7 months.

But things aren’t going all that great with the new guy. He is always busy……feel sometimes like im down way low on his list of priorities. I might see him at 10/10.30 at night (we don’t live together – I go see him), and then he’s off to bed.

Im trying 100% to make it work. Last night I told him this and his reaction was like he didn’t care. He did mumble something about having to communicate more, but it was getting so late (we were in bed – awful time I know to bring something up, but felt I had no choice). He told me it wont always be like this.

Anyways, my ex has decided to visit some friends over here and has asked to meet me. I would like to see him. I want to see if I have any feelings for him. Maybe I do. But at the moment am very confused. I feel I still miss my ex. I know he would like things to go further when we meet. I would normally never think of cheating, but I am pretty lonely. I don’t want to loose it all.

Femelade

meet him if you like, but dont cheat.
If you think you are going to cheat then finish with your boyfriend first. Cheating is a very low thing to do , and it is very unfair on your boyfriend,for you to cheat on him just because he is busy all the time.. Busy doing what? is it all work, or is he busy hanging around with his friends over you?

dr.bollocko

Why do you want to go out with either guy if neither prioritise you in any way?

It sounds like "Should I go out with this guy who thought so little of me he dumped me, or this guy who doesnt care about me."
The answer is neither! Ditch them both because you deserve better.

See this weeks savage love, similar situation, similar answer.

Beruthiel

dr.bollocko wrote:

Why do you want to go out with either guy if neither prioritise you in any way?

It sounds like "Should I go out with this guy who thought so little of me he dumped me, or this guy who doesnt care about me."
The answer is neither!

Exactly what I thought when I read this thread

Carcharodon

Well i dont think i can be an expert like the above people and tell you to "dump" the both of them.

I will say though that if you meet the other guy, it is still cheating, even if you dont do nothing with him.
I had it done to me and it is extremely hurtfull and if your boyfriend finds out he will find it very hard to get over it. Its hard to forgive someone that consciously made a decision to betray them.

Your feeling neglected at the moment and the easy option is to meet the other guy, try and work on your present relationship before anything else.
Or take a break and give yourself time and space to think

dr.bollocko

U cant seriously suggest that you view just meeting with an ex as cheating?

Beruthiel

Carcharodon wrote:

I will say though that if you meet the other guy, it is still cheating, even if you dont do nothing with him.

I'll be going to an ex's house warming party in a couple of weeks, are you saying you consider that cheating?!

melekalikimaka

dr.bollocko wrote:

U cant seriously suggest that you view just meeting with an ex as cheating?

well if she was my gf(i've had the same comments made before with an ex before we broke up) and she said this to me on the monday say, then the sunday i discover she's going to meet up with her ex she hasnt seen in a year whom more than likely i'd feel threatened by as it is, i wouldn't be jumping for joy, i'd probably put two and two together

fuzzywiggle

You shouldn't cheat on your boyfriend just because you don't feel he gives you enough attention. Sounds like you're just falling back on your ex when things aren't going rosey with your boyfriend. Grow up a bit.

LegacyUser

Do girls actually have to see a guy again to see if they have "feelings" for him? What could happen in a night that would relight something like that? I thought all that stuff was bollcoks.

I always thought wooing ex's was pretty much impossible, but maybe i just break up on bad terms too often. They always want to stay friends because they enjoy my company, but i've never rekindled anything. Maybe its because i never wanted to, i dunno.

Wow, this **** is complicated.

Dragan

One seems to have no time for you, and one already broke up with you....as previously said why go out with either?

And can i also point out that people rarely break up because everything is going so well????

Carcharodon

Carcharodon wrote:

I will say though that if you meet the other guy, it is still cheating, even if you dont do nothing with him.

Double negatives aside, you must be joking?! Meeting up with an ex is cheating? Get a grip...

OP I'd echo that you shouldn't go out with either, tbh...

Carcharodon

Beruthiel wrote:

I'll be going to an ex's house warming party in a couple of weeks, are you saying you consider that cheating?!

You must be living on a different planet...
Are you in the same situation as OP ??
I presume their is trust in your relationship and maybe your current partner knows your going.
The OP was not saying she was just going to meet ex as a friend, the ex wants her back and she is contemplating cheating.
Anything you do behind your partners back is a form of cheating.
Her current partner wont know they are meeting, do you not find that wrong ?
Its sneaky... why not have some respect for the person she is actually with?

Carcharodon

bluewolf wrote:

Double negatives aside, you must be joking?! Meeting up with an ex is cheating? Get a grip...

OP I'd echo that you shouldn't go out with either, tbh...

The ex wants her back and she thinks she could cheat!!
The basic fact is that they are not just casualy meeting as friends, there is more to it...

How can you tell someone not to go out with either by reading 15 lines of text.
Iam sure there is alot more to the relationship than this, you cant judge someone elses long term relationship by just reading a couple of lines...

LegacyUser

No - the current boyfriend doesnt know that I may meet him. He wont be around. I couldnt cheat i.e kiss or anything further, even if he really wanted to.

I know I sound bad. But its a difficult situation. I spoke to him last night about things and he got a little pissed off. How can I tell him that I am going to see my ex? You are right, it does sound a bit sneaky...something that Im not. If I was, i wouldnt be seeking advice, Id just go do it.

LegacyUser

Carcharodon I kinda see where you are coming from.

I'd bet the current BF doesnt know anything about the ex trying to woo her back and I'll also wager that the BF wont be told that OP's ex and OP will be meeting.
Reason???
She wont tell the current BF because she knows something is fundamentally wrong with her meeting the ex behind the current BF's back

While its not cheating its not the best of behaviour now is it?


If current BF found out about this cloak and dagger meeting imo the OP wouldnt have a dilema as she'd be populating Dumpsville.

Fanny Cradock

confus101 wrote:

No - the current boyfriend doesnt know that I may meet him. He wont be around. I couldnt cheat i.e kiss or anything further, even if he really wanted to.

I know I sound bad. But its a difficult situation. I spoke to him last night about things and he got a little pissed off. How can I tell him that I am going to see my ex? You are right, it does sound a bit sneaky...something that Im not. If I was, i wouldnt be seeking advice, Id just go do it.

you clearly think it's sneaky to meet your ex or else you wouldn't be moralising over it so much. the fact that you are scared to tell your BF and, therefore, will likely not say anything speaks volumes of the state of your relationship and also your true desires when meeting the ex. indeed, i can only assume that there is a LARGE part of you that wants to get back with him. possibly you never wanted to break up in the first place, or maybe you couldn't be arsed resolving things with your current BF. either way, the more i think about it, the more i believe that you meeting your ex is inappropriate considering the rough patch you and the BF are going through, and, more importantly, meeting him when you are FULLY aware that he is trying to "woo" you. if you didn’t fancy the guy, and were not into his advances, i’d wager that you wouldn’t want to meet him at all.

i'd advise sorting stuff with your current BF (this may even mean breaking up) before complicating issues by adding the ex factor.

metrovelvet

Regardless of your ex you should dump your boyfriend. He sounds like a loser.

Dragan

metrovelvet wrote:

Regardless of your ex you should dump your boyfriend. He sounds like a loser.

Not really Metro....he just sounds like he is really busy.....we do not know what he is busy for, only that at the moment he is neglecting his girlfriend a little bit, and that he feels awkard talking about it.

Maybe he is putting in long hours at work to try and get a promotion.....maybe he worries about someday providing a stable life for the OP but does not want to say it as he feels it might be too early to start talking about such things????

Either way, i think to call him a loser is a bit harsh, not without knowing more info.

Negligent? yes. Loser???? Maybe not.

LegacyUser

Dragan wrote:

Not really Metro....he just sounds like he is really busy.....we do not know what he is busy for, only that at the moment he is neglecting his girlfriend a little bit, and that he feels awkard talking about it.

Maybe he is putting in long hours at work to try and get a promotion.....maybe he worries about someday providing a stable life for the OP but does not want to say it as he feels it might be too early to start talking about such things????

Either way, i think to call him a loser is a bit harsh, not without knowing more info.

Negligent? yes. Loser???? Maybe not.

Exactly...if the man is busy, then the man is busy...

metrovelvet

Time is love Dragan.

Dragan

metrovelvet wrote:

Time is love Dragan.

Rubbish, absolute and total and unbelievable garbage!!!! Time is love to those who need that constant affirmation that there partner loves them.

When i was a kid my father worked 12 to 14 hour days, often 7 days a week. He would come in from work and the first thing he would do is give my mother a kiss, sit her down, make her a cup of tea and have a chat about the day.

This happened everyday that Mam would be there when he came in without fail.

My Dad how to work those hours simply to support his family....and the hard work that he put in allowed for better positions, better hours and better money through the years.

THe time that they would both be awake at home together they would make the most off....if a chore needed doing they would both do it, or divide whatever needed doing between them.

After 32 years my parent are still happily married, and as odd as it is to say ( you just don't look at your parents this way ) are still very much in love with each other.

My Dad made the ultimate sacrifice to provide for his family, and that is he gave up spending some time with them to make sure we had what we needed. His family understood this and made the most of the time we could.

I know people who spend all day everyday together and that times means NOTHING to them.

Time is love my ass.

Your definition and ideal of love is set by your parents, i was very fortunate to have the parents i had....love is precious, to be treasured and enjoyed, not to be ASSUMED because someone is around a bit more.

OP - I suggest you have a proper chat with your BF, in a situation that he cannot dodge and then think about things......find out why he is busy and why it won't last much longer.....he may have an issue communicating his emotions in which case you need to let him know it is okay.

As for the ex, i could never understand people who get back with ex's.....they had there chance, no????

metrovelvet

Thats cute Dragan. Your parents are of a different generation with different expectations though. But they do sound very loving.

And not everyone gets their definition of love from their parents.

And yes spending all day together doesnt necessarily mean anything.

But really, I dont get the sense that OPs boyfriend is is the same place that your dad was. Its very clear from what your saying that your family and your mother was a priority to your father. It just doesnt sound that way here. But I also know people who are working so hard to provide for their kids and never get to see them. Is that loving when the kid thinks that nanny is its mother?

Yeah the getting back with the ex business - there's a danger of being yo-yod. If he dumped her and I were her, I would really have problems trusting him.

Dragan

metrovelvet wrote:

Is that loving when the kid thinks that nanny is its mother?

It depends entirely on the intention, as much in that case as it does in the case of the OP's boyfriend.

If the intention is to provide for the child, however misguided it may be, then yes, that is loving.

If the intention is to avoid the child and get on with the career, then no, that is not loving.

Nothing is black and white, people can do what the THINK is right, for all the RIGHT reasons and yet it can backfire, or with hindsight you see a different path that might have led to better places.

We know nothing about the OP's boyfriend, or what his intentions or, or what he is like. To dimiss him as a "loser" is cold, stupid and unhelpful in my opinion.

I think the OP would be better to be persistant, explain to her boyfriend that she would like to spend more time with him and why, and to find out WHY he is so rarely available to her.

OP , i would suggest you do not approach this with a "grass is greener" attitude and just have a chat with your boyfriend about things....it can take time to open up for some people, so maybe you can try and help him out with this???

If you persist and he can offer no good reasons, or is unwilling to try and grow with the relationship then it would be best to call it a day with him.