Boyfriend watches Porn What Do I Do?

Zulu

metrovelvet wrote:

Do you take a slice of lemon with that?

Holy christ give me a break.

Apologies - just taught we were going down, old, well worn tracks...

Kiera

Inneedofadvice wrote:

Keira, what age do u think i am?? JUst because Im not keen on porn doesnt mean im thick....

I wasn’t insinuating you were young, just that you maybe lead a sheltered life if porn is the only thing you have to worry about. Never said anything about you being thick either.

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Tar.Aldarion

So OP, understand that you are being irrational yet?
Let us know how you handle it...

Over. Reaction.
You should be apologising to him.
Looking through his laptop eh?

Nevyn

Look not everyone likes porn , not everyone likes anal sex.

Op you need to have a talk with your bf about this and explore what it is you find objectionaible and how to come to a comprimise in your relationship about this.

LegacyUser

To the OP. I am a male on the other end of a story very similar to this. A few months after I met my GF she found some of my pron. I lied and said it was not mine (the circumstances around the find meant me saying it was not mine was a believable story) which after much arguing and tears she believed me. this was a long slippery slope and I wish I had told the truth. The only reason I didn't was because I loved her and didn't want to loose her.

Several "indiscretions" have happened since and I have denied other "finds" because it's almost like I'm in too deep if you know what I mean. How can I reverse the lies now without it being the biggest row ever and probable split up because of the lies.

My partners take on porn is that it is disgusting and degrading but moreso it is more to do with her insecurities about me looking at another women. I wish I could discuss this with her but I keep this part of my life secret and we are now married!!!!

To close from the other side of the fence is does not mean he does not love you or finds you any less attractive. This is just a male thing. It is the way god made us. You have to accept it.

The best thing you could ever do is give him a hug, tell him you know he looks at it but that your ok with it. If you don't want to be involved by watching it that's ok. You need to give him the space to do this.

Marksie

Inneedofadvice wrote:

possible but just lately he sounds like a pornstar with things he says, wants to do and yes when Im uncomfortable he knows it and doesnt push. It really isnt the porn thats the major problem ok i dont like it and as u say i have the problem with my insecurities ect but he lied about it.

Well it seems that apart from the fact you dont like it it is not the pron tha is the issue.
I take it from what you say he is making the lingo of a porn star? Perhaps you should openly and honestly smile and say have you heard yourself.

In fact the issue is around communication here. He lied, but it was something he enjoys watching and he felt he couldnt express himself that way.
Your reaction was an overreaction
i thikn you should just sit down in a nice relaxed atmosphere..dont make judgements or get offended
and just talk about your fantasies and what he finds so attarctive about porn and why he wants to do some of the things.
I am actually not talking out of the top of my head here.
Have you ever heard of margot anand?
She has workbooks covering a lot of this and i have had a look at a section here: Opening to trust
"hiding gives strength to negative feelings; sharing in an atmoshpere of trust and intimacy dissipates their power."

she describes some exercsies for you to perfrom with your partner:
"sexual fears" whre you both openly and honestly talk about them
"Describing sexual fantasies": again you take time to talk about them.
"describing a peak sexual experience:"

the aim is to get you to openly comminucate and get a greater understanding of your partner

it doesnt happen immediately and you have to have several sessions.. and inded if something upsets you you walk away and think about it before discussing it.
But even if it hurts it gets it into the open and then you both can move on.

Metrovelvet: I haven't been on boards long so didn't know about any past. I was responding from what i feel within myslef. Yes, I have been hurt and badly. But we can move in two directions, outward or inward. OUtward will in fact promote more healing than becoming inward looking. Using vibratoprs or watching porn for that matter can become a sole obsession because all you have to worry about is the batteries running out or the dvd getting scratched. But you are essentially closing down from experiences, someone posted somehwere: not all good experiences are nice. If you have been hurt it IS important to heal. But also important to try and understand why it happened and learn from it. It may sound facetiuos but believe me i AM talking from experience

LegacyUser

nhaofwn - I would really appreciate if you could pm I would really love to talk further with you..THanks

Anti

Inneedofadvice wrote:

Im not sure if this post has already appeared but I was on my bfs laptop last night when he was out and discovered that he has been looking at porn, I have had my suspicions for a while and have asked him over and over and he promised me he wouldnt ever look at porn because he thought it was disgusting...Then I see what he was looking, Iwent mad and as soon as he came home went for him, I probably should have left to cool down but i didnt, he apologised and said he wouldnt do it again, He knows that pron makes me feel inadequate and unattractive because there is no way I could ever compete...I just want some advice as to what do next? Am I being unfair? Does this mean he doesnt love me!?

You sound exactally like my girlfriend, im having suspicions that she is secretely here aswell. in case your not ill break it down for you. He watchs porn because he enjoys it. He probably enjoys masturbating while watching it too. It does not mean he finds you unattractive or that he dosent love you. He dosent give out to you for watching to much corrie or eastenders. And to a fella its the same thing kinda.

Just let him be ffs.

kizzyr

Thaedydal wrote:

Look not everyone likes porn , not everyone likes anal sex.

Op you need to have a talk with your bf about this and explore what it is you find objectionaible and how to come to a comprimise in your relationship about this.

This is the best answer the OP has received. If she is upset about her boyfriend looking at porn then she is upset about it. Telling her she has issues and needs professional advice because she isn't jumping over the moon that her boyfriend looks at porn isn't abnormal. If I were her the biggest issue with this for me would be the lies that surround any conversations about the porn. I wonder how adequate and great he'd feel is she took herself off the Anne Summers and bought a Rampant Rabbit or two and used that for herself as often as he looks at porn:rolleyes:
OP however you may feel about this my advice to you would to think this through yourself and understand exactly what it is about porn and your boyfriend using it that makes you feel bad. Then sit down with him and discuss this rationally. I do think you owe him an apology for looking through his laptop. I'd start off like this and then say that you'd like to talk about your reaction to it with him. Men (and a lot of women too) look at porn and thats never going to change. Provided its general enough stuff there really isn't anything to be worried about. The whole scene is so fake, if any man touched me like those women supposedly like to be touched he'd never get near me again. There are certain places you are meant to take it slow. Maybe he could hide the user history which is easily done and that way unless you really go looking you're not going to find it.
Good luck with this, I do think its something you are going to have to accomodate in your relationship but as with all relationships this topic should be up for discussion.

justregforthis

Inneedofadvice wrote:

nhaofwn - I would really appreciate if you could pm I would really love to talk further with you..THanks

This is nhaofwn. You cannot send PM's unless you create an account (sign up to boards). I have created this account so you can PM me. You will probably need to create an account to PM. would be more than happy to discuss all this with you.

King of Kings

gamer wrote:

Most women in porn,are dumb blondes with fake boobs,

The king reckons you are a total clod if you really believe that

King of Kings

Inneedofadvice wrote:

nhaofwn - I would really appreciate if you could pm I would really love to talk further with you..THanks

have b/f and g/f finallly twigged each others boards id's??

LegacyUser

op- i know exactly how you are feeling. please ignore replies in saying its your fault because its not. you have an issue with something and it needs to be dealt with. if someone is an alcoholic people dont say 'leave them alone, drink is legal'. your feelings and relationship are being hurt because of this issue. you have every right to feel hurt betrayed etc.
but i am speaking from expierence when i say this. if you dont resolve this issue it will only get worse. it got to the point with me and my boyfriend where i was getting jealous watching a film with a pretty girl. i wouldnt let him look at porn on the net, dvd, magazines or go to stipclubs etc. now i realise that i cant control what he does. and i shouldnt want to. it just clicked inside me that i was pushing him away while i though i was bringing us together. i still have my reservations about stripclubs but there's more to that. just today i saw he was looking at porn on the net last night (its my pc before people say i'm snooping) and it did hurt for a second. i let myself get angry, upset and jealous, then i let it pass. i dont say it to my boyfriend and i feel better after a few minutes. it means he isnt hiding anything from me and we can be totally honest with each other. if he wants to look at porn its fine once he doesnt expect anything off me.
i hope you can overcome this together and remember he loves you. do something you enjoy on your own and let that be a tension release for you. gym, dancing anything like that. good luck

mada999

porn is not bad! most guys have it....you have nothing to worry about unless its interspecies erotica

po0k

There's good porn and there's bad porn, and then there's erotica.

Look at advertising aimed at women and tell me that isn't a bloody close relative of porn.

chump

mada999 wrote:

unless its interspecies erotica

What's wrong with interspecies erotica. Prude!

Smellyirishman

Thaedydal wrote:

Look not everyone likes porn , not everyone likes anal sex.

There is a world of difference between porn and anal sex though. In one you can avoid it (partner watching porn) , in the other you are part and parcel of the whole idea. As long as he is not pushing it on her then there should not be a problem.

She does not seem to have some outright moral fight against porn, rather she just feels inadequte compared to the girls. Heed the words written here, your boyfriend loves you, him watching porn is natural, it does not change a thing.

I do agree however that she needs to talk to him about it; speak with him, tell him you don't want to see it or practice anything in it (Well, anything slightly out of the norm) but tell him he can watch so long as it's out of sight, out of mind. It will propably make the two of you much more relaxed.

Seraphina

just to point out to everyone blabbing on about watching porn being natural.

porn is a man made invention, its not natural.

Anti

Seraphina wrote:

just to point out to everyone blabbing on about watching porn being natural.

porn is a man made invention, its not natural.

I dissagree, As i know there are lots of women behind the scenes in porn films, directors, editors , sound producers ect ect....... Porn is NOT just man made. Men have fantasies about 2 women in bed /dog / donkey / 2 other guys ect ect. These ppl just put other peoples fantsies on film for others to enjoy. I have no problem with porn, unless its the nasty stuff /animal/watersports/fluf ect ect, i dunno if im making a point, but all that just came to mind.

Tar.Aldarion

Seraphina wrote:

just to point out to everyone blabbing on about watching porn being natural.

porn is a man made invention, its not natural.

Jesus, anti, your post isn't much better.

Anti

yeah, im sorry about that one, Mod can you remove my two posts please.

The Real B-man

Beruthiel wrote:

He's not asking you to, is he?

I just want some advice as to what do next?

Leave the poor lad alone and let him watch it

Am I being unfair?

Totally

Does this mean he doesnt love me!?

If he didn't love you, he wouldn't be with you

Amen.

constitutionus

to be honest luv its probably a good thing. ALL blokes i know use porn, mainly as a release so as not to use their girls as sex toys. if the guy really disrespected you he'd be telling you to take it dogyy style and answer to the name of "lassie" when he's shagging you.
i hang around with mostly girls so i know how hung up you get over these things but the fact is the guy probably has a higher sex drive than you and doest want to preasure you (which is a good thing, it means he loves you!!)

porn is about HIS needs not your image. its understandable your confused by what he's doing but its not a reflection on his feelings for you. and you dont have to act like a porn star to keep him. look at it this way, if the rest of your relationship is ok this is a non issue. and if it affects you this much TALK TO HIM. it may address an issue in the relationship you havent crossed yet, just go in open minded and dont fly off the handle unless you want to end it. look at it this way , if he found your dildo and it was 20 inches long do you think he would think you didnt love him cause he was 6 inches?

talk to each other, non judgementally. non commitatly . you'll be ok

The Corinthian

kizzyr wrote:

Telling her she has issues and needs professional advice because she isn't jumping over the moon that her boyfriend looks at porn isn't abnormal.

Going through his private things is, or at the very least despicable.

Seraphina wrote:

porn is a man made invention, its not natural.

Neither is cooking your food. What's your point?

aidan24326

I notice some people are talking about his 'needs' in relation to viewing porn. I'm not sure when porn ever became a need. It's something many people enjoy, but you can hardly 'need' it barring some kind of addiction or unhealthy obsession. He watches porn because he likes it, and it's a little escape into fantasy land, that's all. No harm in that either.

Inneedofadvice, there are some contradictions in what you're saying. On the one hand you say you and your bf have a very good sex life, that you're open minded etc. Yet your attitude to sexual matters seems a tad prudish. What's so awful about porn anyway? Why do you find two people having sex on camera so objectionable? It's a bit of harmless titilation. So what if he watches an odd bit of porn, him and millions of other men.

Feeling inadequate in comparison to some pornstar is a bit daft. If everyone thought like that we'd all feel pretty inadequate all the time. Men like watching porn sometimes, we might even like the look of some of those blonde busty types that star in it, that doesn't mean we want to go out with them. It's harmless fantasy.

Mike...

Join in, start with soft porn.

you might enjoy it.

metrovelvet

If he didnt watch it he would be completely dependent on you for sexual gratification and then he would end up resenting you for that dependency.

If it makes you feel any better, I have an acquaintance in LA [EL LAY] whose job it is to hold the boom mic on a porn set. Its like any other film making but with cheaper film stock. These people are grotesque in real life [ you can see all their veins popping through their enormous fake breasts and layers of body make up have to be applyied and reapplied [the lighting on a filmset makes you sweat it off] Also did you know 70s porn is making a come back in the US because the bodies are more natural and less fake? Now that everyone's getting plastic surgery the fantasy is for more natural bodies.

I see porn nearly everyday on my television, gay and straight and its like so what? Bad lighting, bad acting, stupid voices,cheap sets, blah blah blah. If someone wants to sit around and **** to that, let them. Nothing, however can compete with the touch of someone who loves you.

if the guy really disrespected you he'd be telling you to take it dogyy style and answer to the name of "lassie" when he's shagging you.

Uh oh. My shame... mein kampf...:p

Gordon

anti wrote:

yeah, im sorry about that one, Mod can you remove my two posts please.

Edit your posts and click the 'delete' button if you wish to do that. If that doesn't work let me know.

Dragan

I had a good think about this yesterday, as sad as that is, and would just like to say something to the OP in light of the last few posts.

1) You have not been honest with us, so i think you may not be honest with yourself - your reasons for not liking porn are vague at best, i suggest you be totally honest with yourself and move on the from there. Does it feel like he is cheating? Do you feel like he needs something that you cannot give? Are you afraid that this ideal of sex will cause him to leave you?

2) You went through his stuff - that is just plain wrong and you need to admit that, and apologies to him over it. He was doing nothing wrong , just because YOU do not agree with something HE is doing does not make that wrong, nor does it give you the right to go through his stuff. If you did that you me you would know about it, believe me, so i think him being so understanding about that is a sign of how much he loves you.

3) You see the lie as being the biggest issue i think, but you have forced the lie in a way. It is human nature to avoid what we cannot change, if you have offered a hard line on porn in the past then i can understand him not wanting to get into it with you.

4) You have been offered a lot of advice and opinion on this thread, yet the one you have latched onto and requested PM's from is the one that strikes me as being what you want to hear from your boyfriend.....aplogetic and feeling bad about the whole thing. This is not going to make anything better you know.

5) You have no moral high ground here, he lied about what is at the end of the day small issue......you went through his stuff behind his back. The playing ground is level on this one, he could get uppity over that if he wanted to, as i said the fact that he does not indicates his love for you.

6) You need to make things better for him as well as for you. Deny him something and he will be unhappy, and this unhappiness will leach into everything eventually. Sort it out so you are BOTH happy is my advice.

Marksie

Dragan wrote:

4) You have been offered a lot of advice and opinion on this thread, yet the one you have latched onto and requested PM's from is the one that strikes me as being what you want to hear from your boyfriend.....aplogetic and feeling bad about the whole thing. This is not going to make anything better you know.
.

Yes, i spotted that. Seems to be quite common, asking advice then latching on to the posts that fit what is most comfortable. Rather than reviewng the lot and looking at all viewpoints

foxyloxy

If you are adamnant about your feelings then this isn't gonna help. But I found I assumed I didn't like porn.... I had never watched it. It was always classes as dirty, wrong, degrading, disrespctful whatever.... something nice girls didn't do.
Eventually with someone i really cared about I decided to investigate if I thought I hated it, or if I knew i hated it.
So I got a couple and watched them on my own.
It wasn't as awful as i imagined. Some was amusing, some was tacky and some was quite.... Good!;)
I realsied that I'd been self concious about what to expect, how I'd compare etc.... but having looked at it I reaslised it was all make believe!
Its not for everyone, but at least now I made an informed choice. Just wondering if have done the same.

sutty

Ok, I have just read all of this. Thought I should put my 2cent in as well.

OP, you said you are both each others first partners. Which would mean a lack of experience in what is "normal" during sex. IE: him thinking talking dirty or "porno talk" is normal. When really its not. Most people don’t say a word during sex. Well most of the time But that is more like a reflex than a active thought. The fact that you find this disturbing is also normal and ok. but again, it is just a lack of experience on both parts. Try telling him you find that unattractive or a turn off. He'll stop it pretty fast.

That said, shooting an idea down because you think it is "porn" is also not a good train of though. You could try being more open (note I did not say should) to new ideas. If you do not enjoy it or don’t want to try it. Then don’t.

As for your issue of competing with porn actresses. Its not a race. You and your B/F make love. A porn actress goes to work, there is a huge difference. He is also with you and at least wanting to try things with you and not going else where. If you get my meaning.

The lying on his part. Now I can see this is your main problem. Although it was not made completely clear in your first posts. The reason he lied is, that he knew how you would react and he didn't see that changing. He will continue to lie to you (as said by the poster who you want to pm) he will apologise till his face will be blue. But he will still continue to lie. Its because you have made him feel ashamed and he has gotten defensive from it. He's hiding it because he doesn't want you going crazy at him and making him feel more ashamed. Its as simple as that. I think the only true way you are going to get him to stop lying is to be more open to the idea that he is going to look at porn. You have to remember. He is not you. You both have different interests and ideals.

Now here’s the other bit. Your invasion of his privacy. How would you feel if he started going to your bag or phone while you where not around. I know you have said it was wrong of you to do. But have you said that to him yet? He may not have broth it up. But he may be feeling pretty hurt by that. I know if someone done that to me and then went nuts at me for what they found. I would tell them where to go. Love or not. Your snooping was a betrayal of that.

If you are going to talk to him about this. The most important thing is to do it openly but calmly. The last thing you want to do is put him on the defensive. Other wise all he will do is say "I wont do it again... I swear" which we all know will not be the case. The best thing you can do is make a settlement. But what type of one is up to you and him.

galah

Just get your boyfriend *really* bad porn, moustaches and all - that'll take the edge of things, and you can laugh about it together...

(I usually browse the sex shops back home for really bad German porn to bring back to my boyfriend - it's loads of fun...;-))

Sleepy

kizzyr wrote:

I wonder how adequate and great he'd feel is she took herself off the Anne Summers and bought a Rampant Rabbit or two and used that for herself as often as he looks at porn:rolleyes:

More than likely he wouldn't feel inadequate at all... more turned on by the thought that his girlfriend was such a sexual creature. The OP's issue would seem to stem from the stereotypical idea of men being able to separate love and sex, while most women struggle to do so.

I remember reading that most married men who visit prostitutes do so because of sexual activities they want to explore that their wives weren't prepared to indulge them in. Now if this is something like hard-core S&M or whatever, I can understand someone not wanting to explore that, but according to the book I was reading, many of these things were as simple as someone wanting to try certain positions or oral sex!

What I'm trying to get at here OP, is that by going off on your boyfriend for using porn (and that's what men do with porn, use it) only serves to make him keep part of his life secret from you and that's not a healthy thing in a relationship. Like a few other posters have suggested, you owe him an apology for invading his privacy and, I would suggest you should have a conversation about him about the porn letting him know that it's okay with you if he wants to watch it when you're not around but that you'd appreciate if he didn't leave it lying around where you could see it and that you find the language a total turn off in the bedroom.

po0k

Just gargle next time and be done with it.

upsfan

Dragan wrote:

4) You have been offered a lot of advice and opinion on this thread, yet the one you have latched onto and requested PM's from is the one that strikes me as being what you want to hear from your boyfriend.....aplogetic and feeling bad about the whole thing. This is not going to make anything better you know.

That's not entirely true, the one she latched on to was one who seemed in a similar position to her BF but he just wished he had been honest about it from the beginning; he advised her to talk about it with the BF and to accept it, pretty much the same as what everyone else suggested. He's just someone who was personally in the same position who is probably slightly more qualified to advise than people who may not have been.

turbot

Guys,

There is a really obvious solution.

To the OP, if you are insecure that your boyf likes porn, why don't you:

- Video yourself talking dirty and stripping for him

Tell your boyfriend you are concerned about his porn habits once more, and you have a video that best explains this.

- Play the video.

Firstly, it will probably be your biggest thrill this year.
Secondly, he'll be so shocked he might go mad for you.
And... you'll most likely have more fun in bed.

Sex is about exploring, and having fun, remember.

metrovelvet

Good idea turbot!

Zulu

Bravo, turbot. Bravo!

upsfan

turbot wrote:

- Video yourself talking dirty and stripping for him
... it will probably be your biggest thrill this year.

...all fun and games until someone finds it (not necessarily your BF) and uploads it to the Internet!

manonthemoon

turbot wrote:

Guys,

There is a really obvious solution.

To the OP, if you are insecure that your boyf likes porn, why don't you:

- Video yourself talking dirty and stripping for him

Tell your boyfriend you are concerned about his porn habits once more, and you have a video that best explains this.

- Play the video.

Firstly, it will probably be your biggest thrill this year.
Secondly, he'll be so shocked he might go mad for you.
And... you'll most likely have more fun in bed.

Sex is about exploring, and having fun, remember.

Really stupid idea, Turbot.

If she does that, bf will be comaring OP to porn stars. Exactly the thing she is worried about

turbot

ManOnTheMoon,

No - her boyfriend will most likely develop a new found appreciation for her... and even better, he'll wake up next to a porn star.

He may already compare her to pornstars, so she's better off if she's classed as one.

That she can do that, implies she could be very wild indeed, which keeps the sexual tension high.

unnameduser

he is going to continue doing it. Most men do. It natural and there is nothing wrong with it.

Leave him alone. It has nothing to do with you nor does it say anything about you or his relationship.

Just be glad that he isnt contacting other women on the internet.

metrovelvet

Also if you create an environment where it is forbidden than it becomes even more delectable.

Turbot - thats a good idea but Im not sure its practical for OP because performance takes training.

Have you done this yourself?

turbot

MetroVelvet(Vice),

Not exactly, though I'm confident I'd be successful in an audition ;-)

More than this; if she notices that performance requires practice, she'll learn something that will make her better in bed anyhow.

metrovelvet

The latest developments in this thread have given me so many ideas I think I could direct it!

OP practise in the mirror first. Learn some dance moves like hip and body rolls. Learn how to confront yourself. Give yourself attitude in the mirror. Seduce yourself.

When you feel comfortable with that - bring out the camera - play with lighting and angle. Think if it like dressup when you were a little girl but just more.... you know...

Dont forget -its your body- you can touch it!

turbot

OP,

Get a cadburys creme egg and say on the video:

"This is how I eat mine"

And proceed to nibble it so slowly it dissolves in your mouth, like the most sensuous chocolate eating experence of your life.

And then say:

"Now I need a magnum".

Also, a lot of porn films have really tacky music. Maybe you could play some in the background.

Tar.Aldarion

Creme eggs + home made videos are the way to go. Damn, the gf would be in the good books with me.

metrovelvet

Where should the camera be? Long mid or close up.

Maybe OP should get a friend to help. Turbot you help her!

And whatever you decide to wear or not wear during this shoot, ice your nipples first and gloss your lips.