Boyfriend watches Porn What Do I Do?

Dragan

metrovelvet wrote:

Smoggy - how do you think the brazillian, the bee stung blow job mouth, and all these fake breasts have become so widespread [excuse the terminology] in popularity in the past few years?

Because the women who have them want them, whatever there reasons, or will we be doing a Germaine Greer now????

miles teg

metrovelvet wrote:

Thats why I dont get this advice of transposing what you experience watching porn into what you do with a lover.

To me thats like watching the Brady Bunch and looking for examples of how to run your family.

There are other ways to break taboos and deal with your hangups. Additionally, porn may supply more hangups than it relieves.

I don't want to get caught up in the heated debate but I think you're post indicates that you have a misconception about porn. you say that to you, porn is like watching the brady bunch to learn how to run a family. So you obviously believe people watch porn to learn how to improve their love making.
I think you need to realise that people watched the brady bunch for the entertainment of it and that's also what people watch porn for, entertainment. They're not particulary looking for the holy grail of sex techniques.

Zulu

metrovelvet wrote:

Thats why I dont get this advice of transposing what you experience watching porn into what you do with a lover.

Who gave that advice? I think most people here are advising that people see porn as fictional, as entertainment.

I guess you guys like it faked.

:rolleyes: In a word - pointless.

Smoggy - how do you think the brazillian, the bee stung blow job mouth, and all these fake breasts have become so widespread [excuse the terminology] in popularity in the past few years?

...because women want them? Or are you suggesting that men are forcing their partners to get fake breasts??? ...Those evil, evil men and their porn and their controlling ways:rolleyes:

metrovelvet

Have you been reading the thread at all or just jumping to my posts which you seem to be half reading.

It has been suggested to OP that she use porn and make her own porn to learn how to get better in bed. I am saying that I dont see how using one medium which is specific for a certain cause and applying to to something entirely different is practical.

Yes I know its for entertainment. Its not for life. I am aware of that - but some people arent, like people who suggest it be used to improve bedroom skills.

Someone here has suggested OP use porn to improve bedroom skills and to me THAT is like looking at some idealised family show to get tips on how to run or relate to your family. So take it up with that poster, it was his suggestion not mine.

because women want them? Or are you suggesting that men are forcing their partners to get fake breasts??? ...Those evil, evil men and their porn and their controlling ways

No. Is that what your suggesting since you did bring it up?

Now get off my ass all of you.

Zulu

metrovelvet wrote:

No. Is that what your suggesting since you did bring it up?

Evidently not.

Fanny Cradock

So far I’ve got to give the bout to Zulu. Come on metrovelvet... eye of the tiger and all that!

Smoggy wrote:

How can porn be harmful ?

Anywho, I'll temper my below statement with the fact that I'm a man and, yes, I have watched porn.

Dismissing porn as always being a harmless bit of fun is to miss the potential addictiveness that some guys (girls?) may encounter when watching it. If, during your formative years, you watch porn and are convinced that sex in a real relationship will always involve some girl getting spit-roasted, atleast 2 women or objectifying women as merely a sperm receptacle, then that's a harmful effect. As a medium used "healthily", porn can be fun - spice up the sex life, but, for some people, it's not without it's dangers.

I'm sure the OP has stopped reading this thread by now, but I suggest that she talk with her BF about it, hopefully, she'll realise that just because he is watching porn it doesn't mean he's perverted or even has problem like i talked about above. The women on the screen are just fantasies and, as such, nothing to threaten the relationship.

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for your replies however I would like to point out that I am in no way in need of professional help as some of you stated, I came on here looking for advice before I talked to my bf not to be slammed and told I need professional help, for those of you that stated this you obviously watch porn and think it's fine while being in a long term relationship etc, to some it may seem harmless but not to me and I am sure there are many more that would agree with me and not say im deluded....We (my bf and I) have discussed same and its all sorted now, Im not going to gointo what happened etc..Thank you so much for all of you who gave me helpful advice and didnt slam me

AngryBadger

Part of the bitchiness in the debate this has degenerated into is caused by most sex being mainly physical for guys, and most sex being mainly emotional for girls. We're wired completely differently in that regard, which is why most guys have no problem watching some "actress" get sprayed in the face, whereas a lot of women are appaled at the very notion. And obviously in the middle of all this you have the fact that porn is essentially a showcase for male dominance, you're almost always talking about big, strapping guys bludgeoning tiny little women with huge eyes and dosed in make-up. So that's probably a fairly large part of the reason many women find it offensive.

However, here's the thing, a lot of what's going on in those porn movies is speaking directly to our baser desires. Most guys want to be the dominant force in a relationship, and a lot of girls want them to be that force. this doesn't mean the guys are dominant in a "Shut up and make me a sandwich B*&^%" kind of way, (although sometimes it does), it's more of a protection thing, in that when a woman is with an strong confident guy he's capable of giving her the security she needs, and guys thrive on providing that kind of security to someone they care about. But security is something men don't wrestle with the way women do.

Don't twist what I'm saying here, I'm not espousing some mad gender disparity in terms of power or anything, but females in our kind of society bear huge responsibility in terms of child rearing, and bearing, and the stability of a strong male partner as a foundation for that can be a huge boon. So it's generally more of an issue with females that they don't have a partner because their basic biological urges are telling them they should have one. Whereas for guys, well we're wired to sow oats so we're not all that bothered by having or not having a single ever-present partner, in fact we're more thrilled at the prospect of having many partners since that's our biological imperative.

I think part of the problem with porn is that there are a great many people out there, both male, and female who find some of the content very arousing, for different reasons. But because we're not really the liberal society we'd like to believe, it really isn't the done thing to discuss it over dinner. So what you have is a bunch of people who are genuinely disgusted by the idea and realisation of porn, a bunch of people who embrace it wholeheartedly and a bunch of people who secretly want to get blasted or be spanked/spitroasted/whatever but are too afraid to admit to it, which leads to a whole 'nother subset of problems.

Obviously no-one should watch porno as a means to improve their prowess in the bedroom, but it does feed the more carnal elements of our nature, and there's nothing wrong with that. We can indulge in all the crazy whip creamery of coital mystery without anybody actualy being disrespected or feeling like trash, but everybody going home smiling afterwards

.........so boar-gy anyone?

oh, one last thing, guys aren't forcing women to get ridiculous surgery for horrific looking boobs, or dose themselves every time they want to go out. You do that all on your own. Sure we respond to it, but so do you if a guy makes similar efforts. If you have such a problem with it, and I can understand why you would, then just don't subscribe to it. But stop putting the blame on us guys for responding the way we're supposed to. If ye went out of yere way to get more attention and none of us batted an eyelid you'd still be whinging.

oulu

Because he likes porn does not change the way he feels about you, if you feel less of a person because of his porn desires then what will it be next time looking at Page 3 in the Sun, you have to let him be who he is and trust him, why should he change to suit you think about it, do you really want to change him into something that you think is right ,and do you really think that he wont watch porn again ie just delete history and so on, or does he have to go to his mates house and do it there, If you really think he will stop you are deluding yourself ,some people like porn some dont respect for all I say, next he cant ever look at a girl on the street, you need to get over yourself your job to do it not his

Muggy Dev

AngryBadger wrote:

Part of the bitchiness in the debate this has degenerated into is caused by most sex being mainly physical for guys, and most sex being mainly emotional for girls.

Oh pleeeese!

AngryBadger wrote:

But because we're not really the liberal society we'd like to believe, it really isn't the done thing to discuss it over dinner.

Have you figured out why sensible,mature adults choose not to discuss porn over dinner?

AngryBadger

Muggy Dev wrote:

Oh pleeeese!

What? That's a perfectly reasonable statement.

Muggy Dev wrote:

Have you figured out why sensible,mature adults choose not to discuss porn over dinner?

It's a figure of speech, but well done on being a soft landing anal retentive.

metrovelvet

I dont know if its thats true AB. I know several women who are cheating on their husbands because of respectively 1. not enough foreplay 2. Cant keep it up long enough and 3. Just needs variety [boredom].

I dont know how true it is for the men either.I think as you grow older that cliche becomes less true.

AngryBadger

metrovelvet wrote:

I dont know if its thats true AB. I know several women who are cheating on their husbands because of respectively 1. not enough foreplay 2. Cant keep it up long enough and 3. Just needs variety [boredom].

I dont know how true it is for the men either.I think as you grow older that cliche becomes less true.

Which part are you talking about not being true?

Sure as most men get older it's less about the wham-bam aspect of sex, and more about the softlt-softly aspect of companionship, tha doesn't mean people tendencies dissappear tho......right? Please god let that be right!

Muggy Dev

AngryBadger wrote:

well done on being a soft landing anal retentive.

......better that then someone whose posts are riddled with cliche and self delusion.

AngryBadger

Muggy Dev wrote:

......better that then someone whose posts are riddled with cliche and self delusion.

Please enlighten me then, this is the internet after all, and I'm always happy to be corrected.

metrovelvet

Both parts.

I think women stop using sex to find love as they get older and get more in touch with the sensation part of it and men arrive at a place where wham bam thank you man eventually gets old and empty. Both arrive at a place where the emotion can enhance and amplify the sensation and vice versa but neither are so polarised in either pure sensation or pure emotion when it comes to sexuality. Of course there are those who never evolve either.

I don't think looking to porn for skill is ultimately a solution for a vapid sex life [within relationship] but could perhaps be seen as an accessory to one. No amount of porn will show you how to make the other feel like the only person who has, does and ever will exist for you.

LegacyUser

Inneedofadvice wrote:

Im not sure if this post has already appeared but I was on my bfs laptop last night when he was out and discovered that he has been looking at porn, I have had my suspicions for a while and have asked him over and over and he promised me he wouldnt ever look at porn because he thought it was disgusting...Then I see what he was looking, Iwent mad and as soon as he came home went for him, I probably should have left to cool down but i didnt, he apologised and said he wouldnt do it again, He knows that pron makes me feel inadequate and unattractive because there is no way I could ever compete...I just want some advice as to what do next? Am I being unfair? Does this mean he doesnt love me!?

Hi There OP.

The first thing you want to do is ignore most of the posts in this thread. Much like they ignored you. As much as the posters think they are broadminded some are actually very narrowminded. So much so that they think you have a problem. When you don't. You are quite normal as it happens.
I can't believe some people have the gaul to question your sexual experiance from your little post. What are they... children? Oh wait... most are. Or they want to give the illusion of being sexperts.

Lots of offense to some of the posters but I think you are real lucky you didn't post "My boyfriend said he was giving up smoking and I caught him smoking" Other wise at this stage you would have been advised to take up the cigs for the sake of your relationship

You don't feel comfortable with Porn. Fact. You even gave your reasons.
He watched porn and then lied to you about it. Fact.
You had a right go at him. Fact.

Personally I think the only wrong thing here is you "going for him"... thats not good. It does not help him be honest with you. If you want some one to be honest and open to you well you have to let them do just that, not make them feel like they are entering a gladiators arena where death is a blessing.

Don't think you are unusual not liking porn or let any tell you that you are "odd". Lots of people don't like porn. My mum doesn't. Fact! Some for moral reasons much like they don't like supporting such a seedy industry. It is an industry that has as much a dark side as chld porn but as well as that it has the whole fake hollywood side. And it has a whole home entertainment and gratification side. Which many couples enjoy.

But it all exists and is a billion dollar industry.

Why? Because men are tittilated by porn et al. And within that tittilation there are many many reasons of tittilation. And women are to. But in general terms not to the same extent as men. Studies have shown that.

For some it replaces imagination. Others its a fetish side. And the list no doubt goes on. But alot of it is just a visual jack off material. As a whole "Visual" thing. Not that certain girl with the blue eyes. It is not a personal medium. Not that some people might get too involved. And if you fella was one of them E.G paying the same webcam girl a visit every second night etc. Issues!

Now if you can't express to your boyfriend why you don't like it or if he has no value you on your concerns (I'd say he does though which is why he has lied to you... as in he does not want to hurt you but still likes the odd bit of porn in his life which has nothing to do with you) I'd suggest that you do join in with his activities. Start of with asking him if he'd down load a few flicks for you. when he says what type would you like my love reply " One of the girls at work mentioned a flick called Big Black d***s with chicks and "Monster c***s".

Or just surf the above on his lap top some evening. You see all these bloke who like a bit of porn, well its the goose gander thing. Not a lot of blokes would like to think his other half was surfing the above. And hey.... were they to find it on thier lap top I think they might understand this whole inadequate thing you mention. Still you can just say it's only porn and you like a little touch yourself session now and then. Sure there is no harm in it.

Now his looking a porn bears no reflection on you. Don't know what you mean about bringing "Stuff" into the bedroom" but regardless of porn don't bring any thing into the bedroom you are not happy with. That's just life. Is he has suggest that he would like to pee on you. Say I am not a toilet go piss on your LCD on one of those women. In fact make him do it. When the screen/pc goes frizzle you can giggle to yourself. But look on the postitive side, he is not replacing you with porn as obviously there are bedroom antics a foot. It is just **** material to him. To you it is not.. see above and do the Monster c**k thing.

And don't question his love for you. He is probably lying to you because he knows you don't like it. Hell you probably had a right go at him, but guess what, He is still here/there. That my dear is because he loves you.

Or he is afraid you will kill him if he leaves you

Anyway I have rambled on enough. My ill educated english probably does me know favours!

I hope maybe there are a few words in there somewhere that help. The most important thing I can tell you is that if you want him to be honest with you and you want to talk to him then do that. you know... maybe the fact that he gets off on ten guys banging some bird for 5 mins is just that. I can assure you he is not thinking of you doing it. Or wishing he was one of them. Just eye matter for the brain.

oh and another thing. Is your fella new(ish) to the net? Because if so it is kind of standard proceedure to look at porn and be amazed at how accessable it all is versus the whole top shelf mag and under the counter porn film senario of real life. The majority of us got bored with it after awhile. You can't beat real life sex tbh.

daiixi

Muggy Dev wrote:

Have you figured out why sensible,mature adults choose not to discuss porn over dinner?

I am a sensible, mature adult as are the majority of my friends and we have had many discussions about porn over dinner and other meals/beverages etc.

It's all simple. If you don't like porn, fine, don't watch it. But if someone does like watching porn, let them. As long as it's between consenting adults then it's fine. I hate cigarrettes yet I'd never make a partner quit just because I don't like them and I'd hate for them to lie to me about smoking. Instead I'd prefer them to not do it around me and that's what the OP's bf did.

I don't see what all this fuss has been about.

AngryBadger

metrovelvet wrote:

I think women stop using sex to find love as they get older and get more in touch with the sensation part of it and men arrive at a place where wham bam thank you man eventually gets old and empty.

I'd agree with that.

metrovelvet wrote:

I don't think looking to porn for skill is ultimately a solution for a vapid sex life [within relationship] but could perhaps be seen as an accessory to one. No amount of porn will show you how to make the other feel like the only person who has, does and ever will exist for you.

Yeah, see I'm not suggesting that people look to porn for anything, I'm observing that there will always be people who watch porn, obviously many of them are sweaty-palmed teens, but a lot of them are also people who just can't get their kicks in their relationships because a lot of what they may be into is seen as taboo, and I'm not necessarily talking about crazy dressing your penis up like a schoolgirl stuff.

I think in general people are very inflexible with their views on sex and sexuality, and that's their prerogative, but it's inevitable that this kind of attitude leads to a crazy porn sub-culture, which I think is unhealthy.

daiixi wrote:

I hate cigarrettes yet I'd never make a partner quit just because I don't like them and I'd hate for them to lie to me about smoking.

see, now, why can't I come up with great analogies like that?

daiixi

Watch, read, learn

Eh tbh I'm not that big a fan of pornography but I managed a porn store for two years. One thing I learned - people from all walks of life love porn and there's nothing wrong with it.

Muggy Dev

metrovelvet wrote:

Of course there are those who never evolve either.

Would you say that,in general terms, porn retards or perverts this evolution in men in this respect or does it enhance it? Or indeed,is its effect nuetral?

metrovelvet wrote:

No amount of porn will show you how to make the other feel like the only person who has, does and ever will exist for you.

Beautifully put.

AngryBadger

Muggy Dev wrote:

Would you say that,in general terms, porn retards or perverts this evolution in men or does it enhance it? Or indeed,is its effect nuetral?

Beautifully put.

ack ack ack....sorry just gagging on the smell of BS :rolleyes:

metrovelvet

AngryBadger wrote:

I'd agree with that.
I think in general people are very inflexible with their views on sex and sexuality, and that's their prerogative, but it's inevitable that this kind of attitude leads to a crazy porn sub-culture, which I think is unhealthy.

I dont think they are inflexible I just think its fear and it brings up control issues. How to make someone feel safe - is not going to be learnt from a porno- and that is step 1, perhaps the most important one. Then people will let go.

MugDev wrote:

Would you say that,in general terms, porn retards or perverts this evolution in men in this respect or does it enhance it? Or indeed,is its effect nuetral?.

It depends on the man, how dependent he is on it and how much he does or doesnt carry with him into the reality of true contact with a woman, which unlike porn, requires, demands even, emotional risk - the kind that will make you grow [sorry about the pun ].

AngryBadger

metrovelvet wrote:

I dont think they are inflexible I just think its fear and it brings up control issues. How to make someone feel safe - is not going to be learnt from a porno- and that is step 1, perhaps the most important one. Then people will let go.

Right, but I'm not saying anyone SHOULD watch porn, I'm saying porn is a reaction to the taboo attitude many people have toward aspects of sex and sexuality. Obviously trust which is crucial to this part of a relationship is something you grow into with your partner. But if we were't so afraid of acknowledging the truth of some of our urges then we wouldn't have such a severe sub-culture of porn.

metrovelvet

Oh yeah. I would completely agree with that. Except is it a "sub culture"? I was flipping through the channels last night. You know what I saw -"she male" on one then followed on another channel by gay porn with cocks that were so big it was comical and on another one asian porn. Its out it in the open. I even remember having it on tv as a kid and one my childhood friends dad used to write for porn. I can tell you playtime at her house was a trip.

Im not saying people shouldnt watch it. I personally have no respect for it so I cant take it seriously. And I dont think its really that instructional in the end.

If art and science compensate for what is missing in nature, perhaps we should ask what the popularity in porn tells us about male sexuality that no one wants to talk about and what its compensating for?

AngryBadger

metrovelvet wrote:

Oh yeah. I would completely agree with that. Except is it a "sub culture"? I was flipping through the channels last night. You know what I saw -"she male" on one then followed on another channel by gay porn with cocks that were so big it was comical and on another one asian porn. Its out it in the open.

I think the stuff we're seeing on "popular" channels isn't porn, so much as it's this popular chic of docu-everything, what we're looking at there is docu-porn, people passing off intelligence as spouting about something that only exists as a reaction to social taboo.

metrovelvet wrote:

If art and science compensate for what is missing in nature, perhaps we should ask what the popularity in porn tells us about male sexuality that no one wants to talk about and what its compensating for?

I could just as easily argue that men's seeming "addiction" to porn is borne of women's inability to acknowledge and adequately satisfy men's sexual appetites.

metrovelvet

Sorry AB - I should have been clearer. Im in New York. It is definitely porn. Its not a documentary - I know what your talking about - and its not that.

Oh Im not arguing anything with that last question. It is a question.

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote:

Oh yeah. I would completely agree with that. Except is it a "sub culture"? I was flipping through the channels last night. You know what I saw -"she male" on one then followed on another channel by gay porn with cocks that were so big it was comical and on another one asian porn. Its out it in the open. I even remember having it on tv as a kid and one my childhood friends dad used to write for porn. I can tell you playtime at her house was a trip.

Im not saying people shouldnt watch it. I personally have no respect for it so I cant take it seriously. And I dont think its really that instructional in the end.

If art and science compensate for what is missing in nature, perhaps we should ask what the popularity in porn tells us about male sexuality that no one wants to talk about and what its compensating for?

Good food for thought. From both sexualities.

I think it compensates for truth. People are not wiling to open up to each other. In more ways than one. Sex being a small one. Honest is a hard thing to swallow. We all want it but can't swallow it.

AngryBadger

metrovelvet wrote:

Sorry AB - I should have been clearer. Im in New York. It is definitely porn. Its not a documentary - I know what your talking about - and its not that.

Ah fair enough.

metrovelvet wrote:

Oh Im not arguing anything with that last question. It is a question.

Also fair enough, there's clearer a broader issue that's not being addressed which fuels a need for porn, I think the really interesting part of that is where you have people watching porn who are driven by entirely non-sexual urges....crazy

Húrin

Inneedofadvice wrote:

I just want some advice as to what do next? Am I being unfair? Does this mean he doesnt love me!?

Maybe check out some porn yourself!

I wouldn't worry about it. You can easily compete with porn stars because unlike them you are tangibly real. Unless your boyfriend is insane or a complete moron, he would never swap porn for a real woman with real feelings, personality, etc...

LegacyUser

Porn.

Ummmm. It wouldn't matter if he was looking at porn or npot a long as its not interfering directly with your relationship with him.

So the relavent questions are:

is he looking at porn to supplement his sex life with you?

is he using it as a total substitute, (a lot less sex with you, and a lot more personal time for him)?

or is it just for his own 'personal' time?


The first is tricky, adn is smoething you should be able to negotiate with him,

the second is an absolute no no in my opinion.

The third, is absolutely not to do with you, unless he discusses it with you. That's his own thing.

You have to figure out which it is and deal accordingly.

don't be upset, think about it and Good luck

Zulu

Iamnotasheep wrote:

...I'd suggest that you do join in with his activities. Start of with asking him if he'd down load a few flicks for you. when he says what type would you like my love reply " One of the girls at work mentioned a flick called Big Black d***s with chicks and "Monster c***s".

Or just surf the above on his lap top some evening. You see all these bloke who like a bit of porn, well its the goose gander thing. ...Is he has suggest that he would like to pee on you. Say I am not a toilet go piss on your LCD on one of those women. In fact make him do it....see above and do the Monster c**k thing.

OP please disregard all of the above. All porn issues aside: If you want a healthy relationship, don't play games with your partner, just be open and honest.

Zulu

Muggy Dev wrote:

Hi Metrovelvet.I have been admiring your recent posts.

Beautifully put.

...when you're ready! Please take your head out of her arse and make a point

......better that then someone whose posts are riddled with cliche and self delusion.

Bravo! :rolleyes:

Would you say that,in general terms, porn retards or perverts this evolution in men in this respect or does it enhance it? Or indeed,is its effect nuetral?

I would say, in general terms, that you are attempting to lead this thread OT.

neuro-praxis

Love, real love, is sacrificial. If I was regularly doing something that my partner didn't like, I would stop. Of course, pornography is addictive so he will find it difficult to stop even if he wants to.

My advice is this: stop wigging out, take a big deep breath, and both of you admit where you've gone wrong to each other. Then talk things through to reach a compromise.

Pornography has shown itself (anecdotally) to have a negative impact on the sex life of couples in long term relationships - basically because masturbating all the time means your appetite is sated. I have a hell of a lot more issues with pornography than that, but we won't go into my post-feminist-shunning ways right now. I'd probably be burnt at the stake here. I think that it is always ok for one person in a relationship to voice their feelings if the behaviour of their partner is hurting them. I don't like pornography for a myriad of reasons, and neither does my husband. That's not to say it's not arousing - of course it is. That doesn't mean it's good, or positive, or healthy.

And if he were using it, my issues with that wouldn't be related to feeling I couldn't match up with those women. It would be because our sexuality is a joint thing, something that we can enjoy together daily, something that serves the other person, and him (or me for that matter) off by himself having "quality time" online is entirely self-serving and sorry, I don't think there's room for that in a loving relationship.

Goodshape

neuro-praxis wrote:

our sexuality is a joint thing, something that we can enjoy together daily, something that serves the other person, and him (or me for that matter) off by himself having "quality time" online is entirely self-serving and sorry, I don't think there's room for that in a loving relationship.

What if he was feeling the need for a bit of release and you either couldn't (busy with something else maybe) or just weren't in the mood to help him out?

Are you going to inconvenience yourself? or just let him sit on it until you're god damn good and ready?

I don't think having a bit of 'quality time' alone is detrimental to a loving relationship. Being in a situation where you are forced to be dishonest about it would be though.

Marksie

metrovelvet wrote:

Oh yeah. I would completely agree with that. Except is it a "sub culture"? I was flipping through the channels last night. You know what I saw -"she male" on one then followed on another channel by gay porn with cocks that were so big it was comical and on another one asian porn. Its out it in the open. I even remember having it on tv as a kid and one my childhood friends dad used to write for porn. I can tell you playtime at her house was a trip.

Im not saying people shouldnt watch it. I personally have no respect for it so I cant take it seriously. And I dont think its really that instructional in the end.

If art and science compensate for what is missing in nature, perhaps we should ask what the popularity in porn tells us about male sexuality that no one wants to talk about and what its compensating for?

Porn in one form or other has been with us throughout history. It is not a new phenomenon, what has changed is our attitudes towards it. Pompeii for example has freizes depicting sexual acts, and same sex unions.
And i belive there is a small roman or greek stauette of Pan having sex with a she goat. Not to mention the friezes on indian temples.

What is the issue revolves around our attitude towards what we see, why we watch and why it is being produced in the first place.

Certainly it is believes that some of the Roman pornography is in fact a social statement... a joke if you like. But it may involve religious or sacred connotations.

Certainly some of the texts produced are instructional both from a physical and spiritual viewpoint. Richard Francis Burton, when he translated the karma sutra scandalised victorian society, but he concentrated only on one aspect.
Sacred Tantra texts involve 18 books, only 2 of which are involved with sex itself. But it is that aspect that western ideals tend to think about.

Modern pornography is not about promoting sexual awareness but about making money. And it is about making money out of the sexual repression endemic in the west.
I do not have a personal objection to Porn,though always at the back of my mind i am aware of hey..is someone being used here. I have watched it and as my awareness of self grows, so interest in it waned... though one or two that ARE quite good and well shot. If someone finds it stimulating when they are on there own thats absolutely fine, though the use of imagination is better. Where it is used to titillate both partners then thats ok too.. Where i have an issue is when it becomes an obsession and that by watching it people think this is how we should perform.

Essentially what its compensating for in males AND females is a lack of the connetion to the sexual self. By not understanding what or who you are and your desires and needs one absorbs from the readily available media because it is easy to get and easy to assimilate.. males then believe this is the way to perform and females believe they have to compete. There are plenty of really good books out there if one wants to learn, but reading them takes longer, but it is fun to share with a partner.
If you believe that loving yourself and knowing your desires is the first step in loeving anyone else, then when porn becomes an obsession it effectively blocks this. However, if you are in touch AND both recognises each others needs and desires then Porn per se is just another stimulant like a vibrator or any other sex toy.

To actually relate it to the thread:
OP: if you can accept that this is part of what he likes that would be best, accept and allow to watch..by getting angry you will feed the repression and hence a possible obsession. Its a case of you don't want to watch it. But he finds it stimulating. Where the issue arises if this is being brought into bed with you then it is moving away from a stimulant into an obsession. Then you two have to talk openly.
An analogy is that when apart you two may masturbate, (you may when together) But you may fantasize in your head, your partner needs direct stimulus.
If your partner asked you to stop masturbating when apart.. how would you feel?
Its more of a rhetorical question

Actually i am going to add to this an observation of the fascination with Porn : Simply look at the number of posts and the number of wiews for this thread, its far and above any other currently running.

Gordon

Zulu wrote:

...when you're ready! Please take your head out of her arse and make a point
Bravo! :rolleyes:
I would say, in general terms, that you are attempting to lead this thread OT.

Zulu, take your condescending posts to another forum. Last warning.

Incidentally I think many of you have been posting away without noticing the OP has actually solved this problem. So to that I'd like to say well done and I wish you both all the best for the future.

Seeing as this thread was mainly a discussion on people's views on porn and considering that little notice was paid to the actual OP then It could be deemed that the spirit of the thread has been metamorphosed due to the single-visioned momentum of the posters within. Hence I could move this over to Humanities if you lads 'n lassies prefer to keep this up there?

Marksie

Gordon wrote:

Incidentally I think many of you have been posting away without noticing the OP has actually solved this problem. So to that I'd like to say well done and I wish you both all the best for the future.

Seeing as this thread was mainly a discussion on people's views on porn and considering that little notice was paid to the actual OP then I could move this over to Humanities for the battle of the pornbots to continue?

No problem Re: moving to humanities
Actually Gordon there were so many posts on this i missed that one by the original poster solving the issue:) could you quote please?

metrovelvet

Maybe you should since we are about to go down the art history path.

Gordon

marksuttonie wrote:

No problem Re: moving to humanities
Actually Gordon there were so many posts on this i missed that one by the original poster solving the issue:) could you quote please?

Here is the closing post by the OP. To be honest, it is sometimes understandable that an unregistered post can be missed as it will be posted over until the mod validates it. By then people will have already responded to later posts and won't have gone back to see prior to these posts. Such is the problem of unregistered posting, however I don't think there is a better alternative.

Now, on the thought of having art history discussions on PI I'm definitely moving this on...

To the Humanities mods, I'm not quite sure where this topic lies exactly but I think to sum it up roughly it's a debate on porn - whether it's right or not. I think! My apologies if this forum is the wrong place for it.

AngryBadger

neuro-praxis wrote:

Pornography has shown itself (anecdotally) to have a negative impact on the sex life of couples in long term relationships - basically because masturbating all the time means your appetite is sated...my issues...would be because our sexuality is a joint thing, something that we can enjoy together daily, something that serves the other person, and him (or me for that matter) off by himself having "quality time" online is entirely self-serving and sorry

See I sort of agree with you on the point of sexuality in a relationship being a "joint" phenomenon, but i disagree with the assertion that porn has a negative impact on couples sex lives since I think that porn is not the cause but a symptom of the problem. I think in the majority of cases peopledrift toward porn because for one reason or another they're not satisfied by the sex life they do have with their partner. I don't think it's fair, or accurate, to suggest that most problems start with one party watching porn and losing interest in sex with the other.

To say that not watching porn is a necessary sacrifice to a healthy relationship is incorrect in my view. Certainly is one half of a relationship is using porn in stead of satisfying both themselves and their partner there is a problem, but I believe that problem is something that leads to someone indulging in pornography, not the other way around.

neuro-praxis

Goodshape wrote:

What if he was feeling the need for a bit of release and you either couldn't (busy with something else maybe) or just weren't in the mood to help him out? Are you going to inconvenience yourself? or just let him sit on it until you're god damn good and ready? I don't think having a bit of 'quality time' alone is detrimental to a loving relationship. Being in a situation where you are forced to be dishonest about it would be though.

Hrm, I don't know. I am sure I have turned my husband down from time to time, as he has me. That's pretty normal - your libido doesn't always connect and then there's periods, work stress etc...But is the answer to this problem pornography? Surely if you're in a bad way you don't need porn to help get you off. And sure, sometimes I go for it even when I'm not in the mood. It's always worth it.

And by the way, there's no such thing as being forced to be dishonest. You make your choices.

The Corinthian

marksuttonie wrote:

Actually Gordon there were so many posts on this i missed that one by the original poster solving the issue:) could you quote please?

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=51892588&postcount=158

I suspect that the theme of the solution was 'brushing it under the carpet', TBH.

neuro-praxis

AngryBadger wrote:

I think that porn is not the cause but a symptom of the problem.

So men (in relationships) only watch pornography because of relationship problems? I would have thought men watched pornography because it was arousing.

AngryBadger wrote:

I don't think it's fair, or accurate, to suggest that most problems start with one party watching porn and losing interest in sex with the other.

I agree. Good thing I didn't suggest that. I did suggest that pornography can affect the libido of a man and this has a negative ripple effect on the sex life of the couple. He's getting off on watching other women do sexual things. Is that automatically good for relationships?

AngryBadger wrote:

To say that not watching porn is a necessary sacrifice to a healthy relationship is incorrect in my view.

I think it is a necessary sacrifice if one party in the relationship has problems with pornography. If both parties are happy enough, well then, each to their own.

AngryBadger wrote:

Certainly is one half of a relationship is using porn in stead of satisfying both themselves and their partner there is a problem, but I believe that problem is something that leads to someone indulging in pornography, not the other way around.

Ok. I think it might be a chicken/egg syndrome though. Single guys watch pornography. (Personally I don't think it's good for sexuality in general, but that's a long, separate, complicated subject. ) They don't just quit when they start dating someone. Surely then the "problem" of watching pornography exists prior to the relationship. Which might undermine your position, pardon the pun.

Nevyn

The Corinthian wrote:

I suspect that the theme of the solution was 'brushing it under the carpet', TBH.

That type of solution has work for many people for many years about many things. Some people want a happy relationship so much they will be content to be happily deluded to get one.

AngryBadger

neuro-praxis wrote:

So men (in relationships) only watch pornography because of relationship problems? I would have thought men watched pornography because it was arousing.

We could debate that one for years, but surely a man in a relationship wouldn't be watching porn if he already had a healthy sexual relationship with his partner?

neuro-praxis wrote:

I agree. Good thing I didn't suggest that. I did suggest that pornography can affect the libido of a man and this has a negative ripple effect on the sex life of the couple. He's getting off on watching other women do sexual things. Is that automatically good for relationships?

Sure, but you're talking about the symptoms, that a guy watches porn and that effects aspects of his sexual relationship with his partner, and obviously that overflows into their emotional bond. I'm talking about the cause, that in a relationship setting a guy is not going to be watching porn unless there's something missing from the relationship. A lot of things about a mans' sex drive change when he's seeing a single person, u can find the two people's appetites are almost in sync and a lot of urges that existed before just dissipate. So, in my view, for the most part if a guy is watching porn in a relationship it's because there's a problem with some other aspect for the relationship.

neuro-praxis wrote:

I think it is a necessary sacrifice if one party in the relationship has problems with pornography. If both parties are happy enough, well then, each to their own.

See I think if BOTH parties were happy then the guy wouldn't be watching porn in the first place

neuro-praxis wrote:

Ok. I think it might be a chicken/egg syndrome though. Single guys watch pornography...They don't just quit when they start dating someone. Surely then the "problem" of watching pornography exists prior to the relationship.

While you may be correct about most guys watching porn prior to relationships, I don't think this is a practice that continues with regularity when a guy is involved in a relationship. I think something like porn suddenly loses its' appeal once you're in a relationship with someone you're genuinely attracted to. So I suppose I'm saying if someone watches porn, and continues to watch it throughout a relationship then there's a problem in that relationship from the word go. Certainly there may be cases where people are addicted, but i think that's a subset of problems, that for the most part the problem comes first because of something unrelated to porn, and the porn-supplantation of actual intimacy comes later as a symptom of that problem.

The Corinthian

neuro-praxis wrote:

Hrm, I don't know. I am sure I have turned my husband down from time to time, as he has me. That's pretty normal - your libido doesn't always connect and then there's periods, work stress etc...

The difference in libido in many couples is quite large - far more that ‘from time to time’. Indeed, it appears that the longer the relationship, the more likely this is going to be.

Also you’re forgetting fetish - where one party is into something that the other party is not.

But is the answer to this problem pornography?

No, the answer is masturbation. Pornography is simply a tool, much like vibrators are for women.

This is not to say that there are not issues with either. Men can become ‘addicted’ to pornography - but then again some women actually end up doing much the same with their rampant rabbits. Additionally, there is a lot of modern pornography, which is IMHO socially harmful, as it portrays women in a particularly misogynistic light.

However, given the alternative solution - infidelity - it’s probably a lesser of two evils.

Surely if you're in a bad way you don't need porn to help get you off.

Of course not. And we can survive on bread and water too, but as a rule we prefer not to - religious reasons aside.

Thaedydal wrote:

That type of solution has work for many people for many years about many things. Some people want a happy relationship so much they will be content to be happily deluded to get one.

True. Bah.

metrovelvet

AngryBadger wrote:

I think in the majority of cases peopledrift toward porn because for one reason or another they're not satisfied by the sex life they do have with their partner. I don't think it's fair, or accurate, to suggest that most problems start with one party watching porn and losing interest in sex with the other..

Sometimes I think that porn is helpful in this regard. If a man is 100% dependant on the woman he is with for sexual gratification perhaps resentment and hatred could build. At least this offers some autonomy and isnt cheating.

AngryBadger wrote:

To say that not watching porn is a necessary sacrifice to a healthy relationship is incorrect in my view. Certainly is one half of a relationship is using porn in stead of satisfying both themselves and their partner there is a problem, but I believe that problem is something that leads to someone indulging in pornography, not the other way around.

We could debate that one for years, but surely a man in a relationship wouldn't be watching porn if he already had a healthy sexual relationship with his partner?.[/QUOTE]

Some people just indulge in it. There doesnt have to be a problem.

marksuttonie

Ive seen much of this in art history classes of one sort or another and yes it has always been around. But its too difficult to make a sweeping generalisation on these pieces.

However, there is something very specific about the film medium which changes the goal post quite significantly.

WHen you look at a painting or scultpure, YOU can decide what you are going to look at and when you are going to look at it. You can disect it. In film, and this isnt just porn, the director decides what you are going to look at and when you are going to look at it. So it immediately sets up a relationship with the viewer and the screen in which one dominates the other.

Either way, porn is not sexuality, porn is the performance of sexuality so what are you learning and experiencing but SOMEONE elses, some profit driven director's interpretation of what it is the red blooded male wants.

Zombrex

neuro-praxis wrote:

So men (in relationships) only watch pornography because of relationship problems? I would have thought men watched pornography because it was arousing.

Speaking from experience, men in relationships turn to porn because they are not getting as much sex from thier partner as they would like.

For a very few men porn is a better experience than having real sex, but for most they would rather be having sex. But if they are not, for what ever reason, they masterbate and use porn to help this. A lot of women don't seem to get this, but it is actually hard for a man to masterbate without some form of visual arosal. They are not masterbating because they are watching porn, they are watching porn to help them masterbate, and they are masterbating because they are not having as much sex as they would like/need.

This could be a sign of relationship problems, or it could be a relationship problem in itself. Or it might not be a sign of any problem, just a result of the fact that the man might have a higher sex drive than the woman.

neuro-praxis wrote:

I did suggest that pornography can affect the libido of a man and this has a negative ripple effect on the sex life of the couple.

That works on the assumption that the man is turning away from his partner to find sexual gradification from materbating to porn. While this is probably true in some cases I seriously doubt it is true in most. Most men turn to materbation because they have already been turned away from sex by their partner.

neuro-praxis wrote:

He's getting off on watching other women do sexual things. Is that automatically good for relationships?

Its not really a sign either way in of itself. One would need to know why he is masterbating rather than having sex with his partner. It might be because he things she has gotten really fat and he no longer finds her attractive. Obviously that is no good for the relationship.

But equally it might be because she is on her period, or is not in the mood for sex, and is repulsed by the idea of him masterbating to her. Then porn provides a necessary arosal for the man which the woman is unwilling to.

neuro-praxis wrote:

I think it is a necessary sacrifice if one party in the relationship has problems with pornography.

I think compramise is a better idea than sacrifice.

The idea that a man should just not masterbate in a relationship when he is not getting as much sex as he would like is not pratical. If the woman does not want him masterbating to the images of other women then she should provide some visual arosal herself, be it actually there in front of the man or with pictures or video. Otherwise she needs to accept that men need some form of visual arosal to masterbate, and if it isn't her its going to be someone else, be it hard core porn or the girl in the Vodafone ads, it doesn't really matter.

neuro-praxis wrote:

Ok. I think it might be a chicken/egg syndrome though. Single guys watch pornography. They don't just quit when they start dating someone.

They would if they were getting all the red hot steamy sex they wanted from their partner. Trust me on this one, great sex is much much better than the best porn w**k

neuro-praxis wrote:

Surely then the "problem" of watching pornography exists prior to the relationship. Which might undermine your position, pardon the pun.

Pornography isn't the problem. Lack of sex is the problem. Single men (most) don't get nearly as much sex as they would like. Therefore they masterbate, and any bloke with an internet connection is going to masterbate to free internat porn because it is right there and very arosing. But they will masterbate to what ever they can get their hands on (pardon the pun ).

If a guy is still having the problem of lack of sex when they are in a relationship they are still going to masterbate and therefore they are still going to use pornography to do so.

johnthebastard

Whats wrong with watching porn. Most men do. It has nothing to do with the relationship they are in. It's a release. It's different from sex with a partner. One is love and the other an itch that needs scrathing !