Relationship advice badly needed

LegacyUser

Ok, I'm going unreg for this, because I don't know how many people that know me or my partner are on this.

About two months ago I found out my partner had been cheating on me. I found out by reading their texts-as I was sick of feeling lied to about something, and that they were way to close to a friend of mine and it was a whole messy situation. I was suspicious, they were acting guilty and the third person, well lets not talk about them because I don't trust myself not to hurt them. There were a lot of people saying that something weird was going on between them, and for a few months I backed them up, saying they wouldn't do that to me, that me and my partner were living together and no way would they cheat under our roof.

Turns out I was wrong. They admitted to kissing and groping and touching each other down there, skin to skin, when I confronted them- after trying to tell me it was just 1 kiss, and it happened once. Thing is I'm hearing now that it went on for longer, and it was nearly sex, and it probably was sex, under my roof, maybe in my room, in my bed. My partner denies this, saying its just rumours, and the third person will not comment. which makes me think maybe its true.

They had an emotional affair for sure, which carried on for a while. They would send each other dirty texts, and hang out alone, a lot. There was a weird tension between them and it seems very improbable that they didn't fool around while in our house, and since that first incredibly painful kiss. They both tried to downplay what they did after that first kiss to flirting, but I feel that flirting is "oh, hey there you look pretty" and kind of taking the piss. but "God you make me so hot I can't sleep. I've to relieve myself now" is not flirting. It’s practically porn.

Anyway, I was shocked and sickened but thought I could deal with it, but then I started feeling *really* angry, and then I heard the fresh rumors, and it made me feel worse.

I'm swinging between feeling really depressed to really angry, and I just don't know how to deal with this. I want to stay with my partner but I don't know how to get rid of the negative feelings I'm having now that the shock has worn off. I don't who to talk to. I can't sleep properly since shortly before I found out- just the feeling that something was wrong was keeping me up, and now I'm tormented by images of them doing stuff-that they mightn't even have done when I'm awake in bed at night- and nightmares when I do drift off. I'm at the end of my tether, and much as breaking up would seem like the solution I know it'll make things worse.

I don't know who I'm angrier at me, or my partner. I hate the third person. They are the only person I have ever wanted to see bad things happen to. and that’s not a good thing. It’s making me a bad person.

Can someone please tell me how to get over this without using violence or losing my friends due to becoming bitter and obsessed?

(and I know this bit is shallow but its made worse by the fact the third person is ugly, or at least I'm much better looking then them, so they cheated with someone uglier then me-who was meant to be my friend!!)

I'm going to go now before I start to rant.

CathyMoran

Speaking from experience. I also thought that I could deal with it in my own way. In my case we separated for a long time after the event (he saw her and I met a lovely new guy). It still hurt though even when we eventually got back, and my unease with him almost killed the relationship (he thought that it was in the past but I still had not dealt with it). Go to relationship counselling, that would be the best piece of advice. If you need someone to talk to about this please feel free to PM.

spurious

Your partner is the one made some sort of commitment to you.
The third party made no such commitment to you - why hate them so much? They owed you nothing.

Your issues are all with your partner. The trust issues that made you look through his/her texts, the issues that made him/her look elsewhere for whatever it was he/she was getting.

You need to talk to your partner and work out what both of you can do to fix this, if you both want to.

Elessar

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Ditch your partner, you deserver better than that. If you simply shove it under the carpet and hope you'll all be happy families again you are mistaken. It will happen again. And again. And again.

Save yourself the heartache and dump this person.

CathyMoran

spurious wrote:

Your partner is the one made some sort of commitment to you.
The third party made no such commitment to you - why hate them so much? They owed you nothing.

Your issues are all with your partner. The trust issues that made you look through his/her texts, the issues that made him/her look elsewhere for whatever it was he/she was getting.

You need to talk to your partner and work out what both of you can do to fix this, if you both want to.

I have been in the situation where an ex of mine (who had been dating a new girl for 6 months) who was still a good friend wanted to take things further , I didn't as it was not the right thing to do. The third party does have a moral responsibility if they know that the other person is dating someone else.

My partner had his affair when he was going through a VERY rough time in his life, the counsellor that he was going to seduced him, that is the only reason why I even considered taking him back, it is still very hard to trust him again and I still feel the hurt but I have to look forward as I know that he would never do it again and I love him, but it took me 3 years to even begin to get over it. Brushing it under the carpet does not work either.

Laslo

There's no debate. Dump your partner. He/she's cruel and vicious by the sound of it. Get away from that person - you don't need scum like that in your life.

MojoMaker

Kick your boyfriend out immediately and see if he runs into the arms of the other guy straightaway. You'll know for sure then. That's a nasty situation you're in for sure. Who has claim to the house? i.e. if you parted who would have to leave?

The Sweeper

Elessar wrote:

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

See this?

This isn't quite correct.

People cheat, because, to be really blunt, the person they're with isn't enough for them. If you stay with your current partner, and they've cheated on you once, there is a chance they will cheat on you again - mainly because people don't change. I don't mean your cheating partner won't change their ways, I mean you won't change yourself (and why should you?) so whatever it is about you that isn't lighting their bulbs isn't going to suddenly start working.

It is possible for someone who's cheated in the past to settle down with someone who is everything they want, and they will never stray again. But whatever the reason they strayed initially, their good intentions won't change that reason if they remain with the same person they cheated on.

You'd be better off splitting up with your partner and find someone who is everything you want them to be and who thinks the same of you. You can't blame a third party really - you can't live your life thinking "if it wasn't for that person, my partner wouldn't have strayed". Because what'll happen the next time someone else like that comes into your lives?

Confront them and distance yourself. Too much is unconfirmed for you to ever have trust in your partner again, and at the moment you're just torturing yourself with your own imagination.

smallpaws

They admitted to kissing and groping and touching each other down there, skin to skin, when I confronted them- after trying to tell me it was just 1 kiss, and it happened once. Thing is I'm hearing now that it went on for longer, and it was nearly sex, and it probably was sex, under my roof, maybe in my room, in my bed. My partner denies this, saying its just rumours, and the third person will not comment. which makes me think maybe its true.


It would be hard to beleive they didn't have sex. I know you don't want o believe it, but looking at it from the outside in, that's all I can imagine. How on earth can anyone think they really didn't have sex? If your parnter actually wanted to rectify and heal things with you, there'd be accountability, apologies and reasons why this happened.

They had an emotional affair for sure, which carried on for a while. They would send each other dirty texts, and hang out alone, a lot. There was a weird tension between them and it seems very improbable that they didn't fool around while in our house, and since that first incredibly painful kiss.

Can you ask yourself why you would put up with a partner who would not only cheat emotionally but physically as well, over a long period of time? I know you're feeling hurt and low and like you don't deserve better, as this sort of thing always destroys self esteem, but you have to get a handle on that--do you really want someone who would not tell the truth even when busted with dirty text messages? It's been more important to them not to get caught than to show you/your relationship with them any respect. I would get a counsellor and talk out your feelings with him/her and in the meantime, get rid of this person from your life. You need time to sort through it and your partner needs some sort of sense of consequence, IMO.
Good luck and you deserve better than this, you really do. You deserve someone who actually loves you and acts that way;it doesn't sound to me like this person really wants to be with you.

melekalikimaka

what the hell are you doing with your partner still! thats harsh, a can of whoop ass is in order for all involved, even you for tolerating this.

small

I can't imagine the confusion you're feeling right now, but I would say you definitely need to dump your partner and you need to get serious space away from them in order to sort your head out. You may get back together in the future, you may not. Don't make the fatal mistake of "taking a break for a while". They need to be gone, for both your sakes. This, in my opinion, is the only way "to get over this without using violence or losing my friends due to becoming bitter and obsessed". Anything less is like trying to build a house on an earthquake rupture.

craichoe

Where you live !?! in your house .. Under your roof!!!

I'd go nuts!

Get rid of them, you will not be able to get over that, it will fester until it pops out someplace and will just end up badly for both of you.

Seriously .. get this CRAP out of your life.

Tis true though, everyone is tempted by the flesh, just depends how badly... everyone is a potential cheater, cheating is an act not a characteristic