How do I handle this???

LegacyUser

My b/f is 21, we'v been friends for bout 7 years and hav been 2gether 8 months.

His mother kicked his father out of the family home about 9 years ago due 2 his extreme violence toward both her and the kids.
2 months ago my boyfriend confided in me that from the ages of 8-11 years he was repeatedly raped by his alcoholic father, as were his 2 older brothers.

Only his immediate family (and myself) know.
When he told me I told him 2 go 2 the police about it but he is 2 ashamed and embarrassed, he wants 2 put it all behind him and lock it in the back of his mind... Iv told him by doing this he's just making things worse. The reason he told me about it in the first place is because he was having trouble getting an erection. He says that wen we have sexual contact he thinks about his father, he cant wipe it from his mind. Iv suggested councilling but he says no way!

Since he was kicked out of the house his father has spent time in prison for masturbating infront of young children and raping a girl in England (these are the only offences i am aware of btw).
These cases were featured in local newspapers and the family have suffered much shame because of this man and my b/f refuses 2 go 2 the police because of this.


I love him so much and I can't bear the thought of him being hurt...
How can I help him? He wont seek help from outside sources.
Please help me help him!

ThrownAway

Sorry to hear that if it's true. The best thing you can do which you are doing right now is just to be there for him and support his decsions.

Strokesfan

That's awful. At least he told you about it. He probably doesn't want to relive all the details by giving statements and getting therapy. You just have to respect his decision about what he wants to do and be there for him and be very patient. That's the only way you can help him I think, he's said it to you and now you know and that's it.

Ruu_Old

Terrible situation, just let him know that you are there for him in whatever way he wishes and let him know that he is loved. Best of luck.

Nevyn

One in Four

One in Four exists to support and give voice to people who, as children and/or as adults have experienced sexual violence and to provide a space that by its very existence challenges feelings of shame and self blame. In the often perceived hopelessness and despair of such trauma the possibility of meeting others on the journey offers hope and encouragement.

As a service it respond to the needs of women and men who have experienced sexual violence whether it be as a adult, or as a child.

One in Four also provide support to individuals who have been or who are supporting someone who has experienced sexual abuse and/or sexual violence in childhood or as an adult.

One in Four provide multiple services to individuals, both directly and indirectly. Directly, through individual psychotherapy, group therapy, advocacy/support, open evenings, and 24 hour support through our online message boards. Indirectly through campaigning, policy making, in-house research, training, and consultancy work with statutory and non statutory agencies.

One in Four are a professional service in that it employs accredited trained psychotherapists and experienced qualified staff. While it is based in Dublin, we work on a national level and we will respond to calls nationwide.

Contact Information:
One in Four
2 Holles Street , Dublin.

Tel: 01 - 6624070
Fax: 01 - 611 4650

E-mail: info@oneinfour.org
Web: www.oneinfour.ie

* - information updated 16 Novem

Male Survivors
The neglect and denial of male sexual abuse reinforces the consequent isolation of males who have suffered sexual violence as children and particularly as adults.

http://www.rcni.ie/maleSur.htm

This is the web for the rape crisis network centre which had contacts for all the crisis centres in the country.
The have help for surviours and those that are close family and friends.
Even ifyou can't get him to go you can go and get help to help him.

Sleepy

Be there for him when he wants to discuss it but don't bring it up yourself. Listen when he needs to talk about it and after he's got what he needs to say off his chest encourage him to get some help explaining that you respect it's his decision and that you'll always be there to listen but that you do feel it would help him.

Be understanding if he experiences problems like this again and remind him that a penis isn't the only thing he can use to bring you to climax...

That's the best advice I can give. It never ceases to amaze and disgust me how much abuse has gone on in this country, I've all too much experience of being in similar shoes to the ones you're in right now.

EDIT: I'd second Thaed's suggestion about contacting the rape crisis centre yourself if he won't go. I'm a regular guy with a little experience in this. They're pros.

LegacyUser

I cant force him in2 doing anything so the best I can do is stand by and support him, Ive told him that im here 2 listen if he wants to talk to me about anything...
Thanks for all your advice on the matter and ill check out those websites aswell.
Thank you