Lost middle child

LegacyUser

Hello everyone.
I need advice about insecurity and my feelings of (unreasonable) resentment towards my parents.
I am a middle child and only son and seem to posses all the unwanted characteristics of being such. I come from a middle class catholic family and my parents are from strict country backgrounds. I have a high achieving older sister and i only realised the implications of this on my own behaviour since reaching my late teens. I am now in my mid-twenties and life only seems to become worse(a bad word, less fullfilling maybe) as the years go by.
When i went through my teen years i started to feel like an underachiever in everything. My mother was academic and i rebelled against this, wasting my intellegence by misbehaving in school. My father was very much into gaa and i reacted by not partaking in any sports. Looking back on this period of my life i was not thinking "i wont play sport to piss my father off" but rather any time i tried to play i would feel incredibly insecure as though i could not perform and would let others down. Both my sisters are academic and very interested in sport. They have very good relationships with my parents.
My lack of interest in sport meant i have never connected with my father and similarily my lack of academic drive seen my mother spend many frustrated nights ( and years ) shouting at me for not studying. To this day i cant forgive either of them even though i know logically they were only trying to do their best for me.
After leaving school i went to college because that is what my parents expected and wanted. I became involved in drugs and spent four years in bed barely doing enough during the last term of each year to scrape through.
After college i did not go into the field i studied. I got in trouble due to drugs and moved to Dublin to get away from it. I always seem to move to escape the past but the new place ends up just as bad or worse than the last. I started working in a relatively well paid but ultimately dead end job. This upsets me but i dont know what to do about it.
My friends think i am outgoing and confident because that is the image i like to portray to them. They are the best thing in my life and i love them very much.
I only ever seem to be with girls who like me because i do not have the confidence to go after those who i like myself. I am very lonely in Dublin because since i moved here i cant seem to make friends and i find it harder and harder to approach girls.
Basically i am insecure about everything. I cant please my family, i dont have a good job or future and i cant seem to make new friends or start and stay in a good relationship. I see people with confidence and resent them because they seem to think themselves better than others while i am the complete opposite.
I have considered counselling but i am weary of the cost associated or its effectiveness. In a way i think of it as giving in, as though seeking help will make it a self fullfilling prophecy and admitting i have a problem will see my life swallowed up by it.
Thank you for reading this and please dont think i am self-absorbed and narcissistic. In my mind my problems are very real and i try to hide them from people (especially my family) as much as possible.
I am very interested in people who are middle children and if you feel the same way please share here.
Thanks for taking the time.

Well to be honest you do come across as rather immature and self absorbed (but you do realise this). Nothing you have posted suggests that your parents are in any way abusive, mean or out of the ordinary. You're right, your resentment towards them IS unreasonable, so you're the one who will have to change your way of thinking. It is very, very common to have a high achieving sibling (and I know how it feels since my sister will be going to Cambridge) and there is no point in comparing yourself to her. You have to tell yourself that not being as academic doesn't make you a useless person. Parents often don't understand how bad they make you feel by expecting you to live up to a sibling's standards so try not to take their comments to heart. You are not your sister and it's unfair of them to compare you to her.

You saying you "can't forgive" your parents for acting like normal parents is immature and OTT. In my experience most dads pressure their kids to share their interests, and most mums moan at their kids for not studying. I have the feeling that if your mum hadn't pressured you to study you'd be here complaining thats she should have taken an interest and that it's her fault you didn't do well at school. She can't really win.

Your problems in college can't be blamed on your parents either. If you didn't want to go you shouldn't have gone - they couldn't make you. Since you did go, you had an opportunity to change your situation, be able to be independent and learn to think for yourself, but you didn't take it. Blaming the drug thing on them is just an excuse. It sounds like taking responsibility for yourself and trying to do well in college/attend classes was too much effort and you just avoided it. This most likely isn't what you wanted to hear, but having a pity party is no use to you. Your problems stem from your own self image and your unwillingness to take responsibility for yourself. You say you keep moving to escape the past, but of course it won't work, because it's your attitude that's causing the problems. You're an adult now, forget about trying to please your parents and feeling resentful about the past. You are totally free to go down whatever path you want to, and the choice is YOURS. If you don't want to stay in your job, start looking for other jobs now. If you're not qualified enough for what you want to do, look into doing a course or diploma. It seems like you're waiting for someone else to do it for you, and that won't happen. It sounds like a cliche, but you have to make things happen for yourself.

And just a suggestion, maybe you could consider doing some kind of volunteer work. It can really help you to feel better about yourself and you would be doing something really positive and interacting with people you might not normally meet. I think it would do you good to see that a lot of people are much worse off than yourself through no fault of their own and then maybe you would be a bit more grateful for what you do have, such as a college education and what sounds like a stable family. You can volunteer with deprived kids, the homeless, immigrants, the elderly, whatever floats your boat. I don't know if you're still on the drugs but there are programs to help young people who are addicts and so on.

LegacyUser

I had expected someone to come along and call me a baby and to get over it so Thank you for the long and detailed reply. I guess that is what you are doing but in a better way so thank you.

You saying you "can't forgive" your parents for acting like normal parents is immature and OTT.

I do think i am immature in a lot of ways but not for this. I think i would be immature if i showed a resentment to my parents which i most certainly do not. I treat my parents with more respect than most others. I just cannot communicate with them despite trying. I feel this way in all relationships and with practically everyone i meet.

Blaming the drug thing on them is just an excuse. It sounds like taking responsibility for yourself and trying to do well in college/attend classes was too much effort and you just avoided it. This most likely isn't what you wanted to hear, but having a pity party is no use to you. Your problems stem from your own self image and your unwillingness to take responsibility for yourself.

This is true and i realised this a long time ago. If you can see i understand this i hope you can also see that i have been trying for years to take responsibility for my actions and change it but it never seems to work. I suffer from constant mood swings, one day feel like everything is fine and the next i go to bed and cry for hours on end.
Though i appreciate your opinion i would like for someone who was once in a similar situation to give me advice rather than to be told i am selfabsorbed and immature which i already know.

You don't resent your parents? But your first line was:

"I need advice about insecurity and my feelings of (unreasonable) resentment towards my parents."

Maybe someone else who has been in the same situation will help. I replied because I identified with you, because I *could* have been in your situation if I had reacted differently. I understand everything you said, I have felt resentment towards my parents in the past, for the same reason as you (not feeling good enough for them) and mostly for having a crap relationship and making my childhood/teenage years miserable with their constant fighting and splitting up. I used to blame them for things but realised at 19-20 that it was too late to do anything about it and I had to move on. You can't change the past and you will be bitter and miserable unless you change things. I have suffered from depression and low confidence and it took me a long time to realise I could do whatever I wanted if I tried hard enough. At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter if you're immature or not for not being able to forgive your parents. It's the fact you can't that's the problem.

Have you also considered that you might be depressed? I know you can't afford counselling but maybe you could talk to a doctor or someone about your feelings.

LegacyUser

You don't resent your parents?But your first line was:

I also said

In my mind my problems are very real and i try to hide them from people (especially my family) as much as possible.

and

I think i would be immature if i showed a resentment to my parents which i most certainly do not.

it took me a long time to realise I could do whatever I wanted if I tried hard enough.

I wish it was only so simple. Say to myself "you can do anything" or "you can be happy" and everything will be ok. But it is not like that and i know because i do try. Life is full of ups and downs but there are not enough ups to make the downs worthwhile.

You are exactly the kind of person i want advice from. Have you gone through councelling for your depression and low confidence or was it your own will power? I have taken active steps over the last few months. I gave up binge drinking which has helped a lot. I joined a gym and the physical benefits really started to make me feel better also. Last week for no reason i just crashed and felt like **** again. This has really scared me because i believed i was making progress but now it fells like i will be battling this for the rest of my life no matter what i try to overcome it.

Have you also considered that you might be depressed?

Every day.

I know people who talk openly about their depression but i dont relate to them. They seem to have more obvious problems or real reasons for having them.

I dont know if i can or cannot afford councelling. I dont know how much it would cost, where i could do it and if i would have to take time of work(7-5.30 mon fri) for it. Can someone answer these questions for me?

Nevyn

Talk to your dr and get a referal you can easily get an appointment in the evening. Your dr will have more information on cost as well.