I need advice, I'm such an idiot

Surfer Chick

Hi

I've been married just over a year.

Before I got engaged I met this bloke. He was so nice and we became friendly. Anyway it turned out that we ended up being with each other a couple of times.

I stayed with my now husband as I could never hurt his feelings by breaking up. Anyway when he asked me to marry him I said yes and finished all contact with this other guy.

Now I'm married just over a year and this guy has started texting me again. He's bringing back up the past and we really did share some beautiful moments and I'm absolutely falling in love with him. He wants to meet up with me and I just know we would end up making love if I meet him but that would be so wrong.

He is married too. I don't know what to do. Its so hard. I do really really love him but I don't want to hurt anybody.

AngryBadger

The excuse that you don't want to hurt anybody holds absolutely no water. If you wanted this guy then you shouldn't have gotten married. The fact that you did is far worse than actually cheating on your partner.

The only way for you to go is to leave your husband because you obviously are not in love with him if you cheated on him before marraige, and now you're pretty much looking for a handy way off the hook so you can do so again.

Mrs_Doyle

Wow, I am finding it difficult to feel sorry for you.
You say you didn't tell your husband (then boyfriend) because you didn't want to hurt his feelings?
But you were ok with betraying him, cheating on him, sneaking around behind his back, lying to him......?
Perhaps you married in haste, and for the wrong reasons, but if you think you would sleep with this man if you met them then I don't think you should continue in your marriage.
Perhaps you should end your current relationship, if you could really call it that, before considering starting a new one.
Also, try to have some consideration for your ex lovers wife, she doesn't deserve to be deceived.

event

dont meet him

Tchocky

Well if all you are doing is texting him and not meeting up, how can you say that you "really really love him"?

Also, you're "falling in love with him" from text messages?

Beruthiel

Surfer Chick wrote:

He is married too. I don't know what to do. Its so hard. I do really really love him but I don't want to hurt anybody.

You don't know what to do :rolleyes:
Never contact him again. You're married, he's married, 4 people will get painfully hurt if you start anything.
If you don't love your husband enough to stay with him, then get a divorce and move on. He deserves to be with someone who would never dream of being with anyone else because she loves him so much.

Ruu_Old

You are going to hurt more than one person if you go and meet up with him. Focus on what you have with your husband.

Surfer Chick

I do have consideration for his wife and for my husband. We were going to meet up to discuss our future and what we should do but i'm scared to meet him because i'm so attracted to him and have such love for him. I know we'll end up being with each other again and I wouldn't do that while married.

I don't know what happened. It all went too far too quickly. We really have feelings for each other and can't help our feelings.

He also has 2 kids. He said he's going to leave his wife for me.

I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me and thats not what I want. I just need advice on what to do. Should I stay with my husband and maybe be unhappy for the rest of my life or make the leap and go with my soul mate?

Tchocky

Soul mate?

Are you sure?

You said ye had been with each other "a couple of times", and now he's texting you. I'm overwhelmed here with love :?

Leave them both alone, tbh
get a divorce and stay single til you can cop on

Surfer Chick

Tchocky wrote:

Well if all you are doing is texting him and not meeting up, how can you say that you "really really love him"?

Also, you're "falling in love with him" from text messages?

You don't understand. We've met up on tons of occasions. We know each other inside out. I love him so much and he loves me. When we made love it was the best i've ever had. I can feel his love for me.

Mrs_Doyle

Surfer Chick wrote:

I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me and thats not what I want. I just need advice on what to do. Should I stay with my husband and maybe be unhappy for the rest of my life or make the leap and go with my soul mate?

Ok, no, I don't think you should stay with your husband.
But not just because you would be unhappy, but because he deserves so much better.
And No, I don't think you should enter into a relationship with your old lover, not immediately anyhow.
Perhaps you need to be alone for a while, and he certainly needs a cooling off period to consider his next move, especially as there are children involved.

For what it's worth, I think the term 'soulmate' might be a tad on the romantic side considering the circumstances.

garthv

You sound like an absoloute mindf*uck, you have no respect for you "husband" whatsoever. Either come clean to your husband now or end it with your husband. If I was married and i found out that my wife was doing this behind my back I'd be straight out the door.
Think of the other people you'll hurt instead of yourself for once.

Surfer Chick

I know the circumstances aren't perfect and the fact that there are kids involved is just terrible. I'd never want to hurt anyone let alone a child. But as i've said we can't help our feelings for each other.

We are soulmates I know it. I've never met anyone like him before in my life. We just met each other at the wrong time in life. I know the right thing to do is just cut all contact now and leave it at that. Its so hard though.

Surfer Chick

GaRtH_V wrote:

You sound like an absoloute mindf*uck, you have no respect for you "husband" whatsoever. Either come clean to your husband now or end it with your husband. If I was married and i found out that my wife was doing this behind my back I'd be straight out the door.
Think of the other people you'll hurt instead of yourself for once.

I am trying to think of the other people i'll hurt but what do you do when you crave to be with someone so much it hurts.

Anti

Your unhappy with your husband, and he might be unhappy with his wife. You both should tell your partners and leave them. and them both feck off somewhere like croatia. Then you'll probably both end up cheating on each other.

You made your ****ing bed. now lie on it !!

AngryBadger

Surfer Chick wrote:

You don't understand. We've met up on tons of occasions. We know each other inside out. I love him so much and he loves me. When we made love it was the best i've ever had. I can feel his love for me.

Look. You can dress this up however you like, but it comes down to the logistics of what you're doing at the end of the day. NOT THIS fairy tale unicorn BS ur trying to peddle. Let's review the scenarios:

1: You stay with your husband, and continue seeing this guy, eventually you get rumbled and your whole world and the world of this guys wife and kids goes to pot

2: You leave your husband and maybe this guy leaves his wife. There's a lot of pain involved, but at least your husband isn't being strugn out for the better part of his entire life

3: You stop seeing this guy, and pretend to be a committed loving wife to the man you've already betrayed and duped out of some misguided sense of penance or somesuch crap, over time your feelings atrophy into a bitter kind of resentment toward your husband and anything that springs from your relationship

Scenario 2 is the only one that can even remotely end well, and at that it'#s still pretty bad.

The fact that you think you're experiencing "true love" doesn't alleviate or excuse the fact that you're quite happy to wreak havok on a whole bunch of innocent people. If you had any shred of real feeling for anyone other than yourself you would have ended it with your partner before you married him. You didn't have the courage to do it then, and ever since you're trying to presuade yourself that the reason was because you don't want to hurt him while you continue to pursue a situation that will utterly destroy him in time.

End it.

AngryBadger

Surfer Chick wrote:

We are soulmates I know it.

Right except that you have no soul.

Surfer Chick wrote:

I know the right thing to do is just cut all contact now and leave it at that. Its so hard though.

That and leave your husband.

Anti

GaRtH_V wrote:

You sound like an absoloute mindf*uck, you have no respect for you "husband" whatsoever. Either come clean to your husband now or end it with your husband. If I was married and i found out that my wife was doing this behind my back I'd be straight out the door.
Think of the other people you'll hurt instead of yourself for once.

i concur !

LegacyUser

I think its obvious what you're going to do, you sound like you've made your mind up and just want people to tell you it's ok.

Think of his KIDS, they'll be the ones most effected.

dudara

As someone who was at the painful end of a similar situation, this is, in my view, a load of horsesh*t.

You are married, or it is just a matter of convience for you? Respect the vows that you took and treat them with dignity, or no one will ever respect you again.

Either stay with your husband or leave him, but do not carry on with this stupid selfish and ultimately destructive behaviour.

Surfer Chick wrote:

We are soulmates I know it.

So why didn't you marry him instead, and why did he marry someone else.

The words "cake" and "eating it" come to mind here. Grow up!

Noopti

I know we'll end up being with each other again and I wouldn't do that while married.

Do you have any willpower whatsoever?
The people above me have pretty much summed up my feelings on this.

Surfer Chick

He was married already when I was with him for the first time.

I didn't know this. He didn't tell me he was married with two kids until about 6months later when I had already fallen for him.

I'll do the right thing. Thanks for the advice

Mrs_Doyle

Surfer Chick wrote:

I know the right thing to do is just cut all contact now and leave it at that. Its so hard though.

You have to understand that no matter how romantic and tragic you try to make it sound, the main thing people will focus on is that fact that you cheated on your then boyfriend, and are considering cheating on him with the same man now that he is your husband.
You don't have to cut all contact, not if you genuinely feel you have a future with this man, but you need to stop being so theatrical and start being real.

Ok, fine, I will stop being judgemental, and start giving logical advice

I think you should leave her husband, regardless of whether you begin a relationship with this other man.


If you really do think you are going to leave your husband then make arrangements regarding accommodation.

Don't punish your husband, he has done nothing wrong. Don't tell your husband you are leaving him, and then expect him to move out, arrange to stay at a friends, break it to him, move out for a week or so, and meet after that time to discuss what financial arrangements need to be made, what you want to do regarding your home etc.

Inform you ex lover of your decision, and ask him not to contact you during the time that you will be staying with your friend.

He needs to consider his next move without your influence.

After a month approx you will both be in a better position to decide where you want to go from there.
You will have had time to think, time to adjust to the idea of leaving your marital homes for good and beginning a new relationship with each other.
You also need to realise that the aftermath will not be pretty; people will be hurt, and families torn apart.
You will not just walk away into a happy ever after ending.
There will be financial strain, legal issues to address, such as custody, sale of property and belongings. Child support - etc.

I hope you have considered the bigger picture, if not, maybe now is the time to do so.

Beruthiel

Surfer Chick wrote:

I'd never want to hurt anyone let alone a child.

Lying to others is one thing, lying to yourself is unacceptable. The above comment is bull**** - if you really meant it, then you would leave these kids with their father.

We are soulmates I know it.

So how come you married your husband if you actually believed that?

Its so hard though.

Welcome to being a grown up - no one said it would be easy

ianmc38

Surfer Chick wrote:

He also has 2 kids. He said he's going to leave his wife for me.

How many married men getting a bit on the side have said this exact line? A better figure would be the % that have followed through.

I'd like to know what type of relationship you have with your husband that you need to ask for advice like this on a public forum.

I would love to go on a rant on how everything you posted disgusts me, but I don't particularly want a banning so i'll restrain myself.

Tchocky

"He didn't tell me he was married with two kids until about 6months later when I had already fallen for him."

I would question his honesty & motives.

Surfer Chick

He's taking the kids with us.

I know its going to be very hard on his wife but she beats the kids so I've told him i'll love them as they are my own so he's going to take them from her and off with us. If this does all happen theres no way we can stay in the country. He is very wealthy so we are going to buy an apartment in Spain and live there for the time being.

Marksie

Surfer Chick wrote:

He was married already when I was with him for the first time.

I didn't know this. He didn't tell me he was married with two kids until about 6months later when I had already fallen for him.

I'll do the right thing. Thanks for the advice

What planet are you ON cos it aint this one. He is married when you met him, he didn't leave her then while you have your infatuation (its not love..its infatuation accept it).
You get married..god knows why!
After a year he gets back in touch by text... If he was your souls mate he would have left then. you were a Fling nothing more nothing less.
You are totally self delusional and living in cloud cuckoo land.

I pity your husband TBH. Your soulmate will never leave his wife and kids.

I am not usually this brusque with posters but ye gads how old are you???

I am not sure you know what the right thing is!!!!

Chinafoot

Surfer Chick wrote:

We were going to meet up to discuss our future and what we should do

Don't you think thats a conversation you should have with the man you made what is supposed to be a life-long commitment?

Surfer Chick wrote:

I know we'll end up being with each other again and I wouldn't do that while married.

So it was ok to do it before you got married? No offence but you seem to have very little respect for your husband and your marriage.

Surfer Chick wrote:

He also has 2 kids. He said he's going to leave his wife for me.

Don't be surprised if he in turn leaves you for someone else further down the road. Or if you decide someone new that comes along is really your soul mate when you dont want to deal with whatever challenges your relationship may throw at you.

Surfer Chick wrote:

Should I stay with my husband and maybe be unhappy for the rest of my life or make the leap and go with my soul mate?

Oh you should definitely leave your husband. You should never have married him as you clearly have no respect for him. You should leave him and let him get on with his life and find somebody that will love and respect him instead of suffering a lifetime of your undoubted infidelity and the humiliation that would go along with it.

Sounds like you and your "soul mate" deserve each other.

Surfer Chick wrote:

He's taking the kids with us.

I know its going to be very hard on his wife but she beats the kids so I've told him i'll love them as they are my own so he's going to take them from her and off with us. If this does all happen theres no way we can stay in the country. He is very wealthy so we are going to buy an apartment in Spain and live there for the time being.

Oh. dear.

This gets more and more ridiculous. I hope you'll be wearing a helmet for that inevitable drop back down to earth.

Surfer Chick

look none of you know the full story so please don't slate me.

he would leave his wife for me. He loves me more than anything. He'll come on here and declare it and I love him.

dudara

Surfer Chick wrote:

He's taking the kids with us.

I know its going to be very hard on his wife but she beats the kids

And you believe him!! You're only making yourself seem like an even bigger fool.

metrovelvet

You say your falling in love with this other guy? I believe there is a moment where you know your about to fall and you have the choice to step back. I think you are at this precipice right now. Make the right choice. Saying that, if you are vulnerable to falling for other men, perhaps its a good idea to take a good look at your marriage. Beruthial is right. Do you love him enough to sustain a lifetime of resisting other men?

You already know this other guy is a liar because he didnt tell you he was married the first time around. How can you even have lunch with someone who was so dishonest with you?

Are you aware of how PAINFUL divorce is? What a mess you will find yourself in?

And the plan is essentially that he and you are going to kidnap the children? She beats the kids? Is that what he told you?

AngryBadger

Surfer Chick wrote:

look none of you know the full story so please don't slate me.

he would leave his wife for me. He loves me more than anything. He'll come on here and declare it and I love him.

*sigh*

Look this is my final throw here, and i'm not even trying to be unpleasant now. But no matter how much you may want to believe all the garbage you're spewing here that doesn't make it so.

You're in a situation that's only ging to get worse, and you're refusing to deal with it, or take responsibility for it. al that's ahead of you is a massive explosion and a world of hurt.

Beruthiel

Surfer Chick wrote:

look none of you know the full story so please don't slate me.

You are asking us for our opinion, we cannot give a correct one if you do not give the full story to start with

Tchocky

Surfer Chick wrote:

look none of you know the full story so please don't slate me.

he would leave his wife for me. He loves me more than anything. He'll come on here and declare it and I love him.

I'd have trouble believing him, to be honest. Why didnt he tell you he had a wife & kids until 6 months later?

Of course we don't know the full story, so help us help you?

fallout_girl

and the kids are less effected when their dad loves another woman and might leave their mother regardless of what the op does?
OP, i do agree with most people here that staying with your husband is not going to make either him or you happy as resentment will eventually kick in (assuming that you don't love your husband).
in saying that tho i don't think that it is wrong to go for what makes you truly happy. you only have this life. i find some people here quite black and white while in real life it can happen that you fall in love with somebody you shouldn't have.
of course people will get hurt and yes, it is very unfortunate that kids are involved. but this whole perception of somebody as a homewrecker just because you try to be happy is imo very very judgemental...

you possibly should get away from it all for a week to clear your head. if you feel you have to meet up with the guy do that in a publis place where it is impossible to let anything happen.

Vegeta

to sum up you cheated on your partner and now that he is your husband you want to leave him for a married man. you need help

only you are responsible for your actions so come clean and live with the fallout

fallout_girl

Mrs_Doyle wrote:

You have to understand that no matter how romantic and tragic you try to make it sound, the main thing people will focus on is that fact that you cheated on your then boyfriend, and are considering cheating on him with the same man now that he is your husband.
You don't have to cut all contact, not if you genuinely feel you have a future with this man, but you need to stop being so theatrical and start being real.

Ok, fine, I will stop being judgemental, and start giving logical advice

I think you should leave her husband, regardless of whether you begin a relationship with this other man.


If you really do think you are going to leave your husband then make arrangements regarding accommodation.

Don't punish your husband, he has done nothing wrong. Don't tell your husband you are leaving him, and then expect him to move out, arrange to stay at a friends, break it to him, move out for a week or so, and meet after that time to discuss what financial arrangements need to be made, what you want to do regarding your home etc.

Inform you ex lover of your decision, and ask him not to contact you during the time that you will be staying with your friend.

He needs to consider his next move without your influence.

After a month approx you will both be in a better position to decide where you want to go from there.
You will have had time to think, time to adjust to the idea of leaving your marital homes for good and beginning a new relationship with each other.
You also need to realise that the aftermath will not be pretty; people will be hurt, and families torn apart.
You will not just walk away into a happy ever after ending.
There will be financial strain, legal issues to address, such as custody, sale of property and belongings. Child support - etc.

I hope you have considered the bigger picture, if not, maybe now is the time to do so.

that's pretty much what i meant...

Surfer Chick

What I mean by saying you don't know the full story is that you don't know us, you don't understand the love between us and how close we are.

You may think he has lied to me about his wife beating the kids but he didn't. I know it. He's even allowed me meet his kids, thats how much he is into this. I've met them and they know me and they are beauts.

Noopti

He loves me more than anything. He'll come on here and declare it and I love him.

I'm beginning to doubt the legitimacy of this thread.....

Tchocky

Surfer Chick wrote:

What I mean by saying you don't know the full story is that you don't know us, you don't understand the love between us and how close we are.

You may think he has lied to me about his wife beating the kids but he didn't. I know it. He's even allowed me meet his kids, thats how much he is into this. I've met them and they know me and they are beauts.

But why did he wait 6 months to tell you he was married?

Surfer Chick

He didn't tell me because he was afraid I wouldn't be with him anymore.

Maybe there's an easier way out of all of this. I sometimes think whats the point

ams

Hmmm he lied to you for 6mths about a HUGE thing like being married and you want to be with him????????????


Are you nuts?

Surfer Chick

Yes I must be nuts. All the odds are against me but I love him and he loves me. The only reason I'm doing this is for love.

LegacyUser

OP maybe you should talk to your husband first before you consider doing anything, there are obviously problems within the marriage that need to be worked on, talk to him see how he feels. He may feel that the marriage isn't working either, i suggest doing this before you make any hasty decisions

Good Luck whatever you decide

dr.bollocko

I reckon your only mistake was getting married at all. I guess looking back i think u chose who you thought was the one, I mean I think we have all had those relationships where perfection slowly wilts.......
Do u think u would have ever left ur husband if the other guy didnt come along?

Be prepared for that gash of pain in your stomach when its all said and done and u realise u have left him. Grit your teeth, steel your stomach and u can get through it, because it probably is the right thing.

Im sure that there is still room for some romance in your life, so I think it would be worse if u lived a lie and stayed in an unsuccessful marriage. Too many ppl hop into marriage like its a warm hottub on a cold october day.
Nice twist at the end with the kid beating, that was like, jesus, before I had some idea of what to do, now, your guess is as good as anyones.

But good luck!!!

Froot

Surfer Chick wrote:

Anyway it turned out that we ended up being with each other a couple of times.

I stayed with my now husband as I could never hurt his feelings by breaking up. Anyway when he asked me to marry him I said yes and finished all contact with this other guy.

Now I'm married just over a year and this guy has started texting me again. He's bringing back up the past and we really did share some beautiful moments and I'm absolutely falling in love with him. He wants to meet up with me and I just know we would end up making love.

I do really really love him but I don't want to hurt anybody.

Ok so "you were with eachother a couple of times"...this indicates your what? about 13?

you could never hurt your husbands feelings by breaking up with him...cheating on him is ok though...well done :rolleyes:

Shared some beautiful moments? such as "being with eachother a couple of times" or is there this whole other fairytale your not informing us of?

Your falling in love with him...you want to be with him more than they guy your married to? you cannot have it both ways in the long term.

End up making love? kind of a different way of putting it since you were "with eachother a couple of times".

In short your destroying the lives of two people. Firstly yourself, the fact that you have no concept of what reality is makes this decision even harder for you I;m sure because you obviously have no consideration for anybody and so you must be feeling around in the dark trying to get out of this one.

Secondly your husband who in my opinion is either extremely naive or unlucky to be stuck with a woman as hypocritical such as yourself.
Your only (compassionate) course of action at this point in time is damage limitation. Tell your husband, break up with him and then do whatever the hell you want.

You owe it to him to show him what kind of person you are, and let him forgive you or give him the chance to have a normal life instead of delaying the innevitable.

Surfer Chick wrote:

You don't understand. We've met up on tons of occasions. We know each other inside out. I love him so much and he loves me. When we made love it was the best i've ever had. I can feel his love for me.

you really are taking the piss...

Thats like saying "Should i have a horrible crappy life, or a really nice life with another guy.

dont ask questions you already know the answer to. Get it over with then forget your bloody account on this site and never post pointless crap like this again.

hshortt

Trying to resist the moral statements and I'm ignoring the judgements from others.

Go and explore your opportunity. You'll regret it if you don't. It's not possible to escape hurting your relevant partners so be prepared.

Regarding taking children away from their mother, taking a child from a legal guardian without their consent will get you into trouble.

Cheerio
Howard

Chinafoot

Surfer Chick wrote:

What I mean by saying you don't know the full story is that you don't know us, you don't understand the love between us and how close we are.

You may think he has lied to me about his wife beating the kids but he didn't. I know it. He's even allowed me meet his kids, thats how much he is into this. I've met them and they know me and they are beauts.

Uhmmm I'm quite confused. In your opening post you said

Surfer Chick wrote:

I stayed with my now husband as I could never hurt his feelings by breaking up. Anyway when he asked me to marry him I said yes and finished all contact with this other guy.

Now I'm married just over a year and this guy has started texting me again. He's bringing back up the past and we really did share some beautiful moments and I'm absolutely falling in love with him. He wants to meet up with me and I just know we would end up making love if I meet him but that would be so wrong.

So you've been married for over a year and cut off all contact when you got engaged. So thats quite a while without any contact and now its just text messages. Yet you're so close and so in love?! And his kids know you even though you havent seen him since you and your now husband got engaged?!

Up the garden path doesn't go far enough to sum this situtation up. I feel so sorry for your husband.

ianmc38

This like every 3rd post in PI these days is blatant trolling BS. The OP obviously had her(?) brain removed at birth.