Guilt from Abortion Decision

LegacyUser

A few years ago a girl I was kind of seeing got pregnant, we weren't in a serious relationship. We met up a lot of times over a 2 year period but never a full time relationship thing. It was fun, but we both knew thats all it was.

We were both in our early 20's and it was her decision to go for an abortion, I agreed. She was adament about it, I didnt try to presuade her otherwise. We both knew we weren't going to stay together and she was also from another country so it just wasnt going to happen.

I got really down about it for a while after it happened and its only now I think I can say it doesnt affect. At the time I just retreated to my room, ignored all my friends (and lost most of them), got very depressed and honestly think my personality has changed now. I used to be carefree but now often go into cycles of depression\happiness, I suppose I dont know if this has been caused by what happened but I wasnt like this before it.

But has anyone else gone through it?

I later heard from the girl a few weeks\months after the abortion and she had become quite unwell from it all, mentally I mean. Her mother had even put her into a hospital. We had no contact after that. She is ok now but we dont stay in contact.

I dont need any sermon on the rights and wrongs and morals etc, whats done is done. I deep down believe what happened was wrong and there were plenty of options other than abortion but when you are young you take the easy way out. I really dont think I could tell my family so it was an easy decision at the time.

Anyone go through this? Regrets?

I am sure this will be a divisive issue. But dont turn the thread into a pro versus anti abortion. And I dont want to hear about religion.

If my girlfriend was to get pregant now I would be delighted, I am looking forward to having children. I just wish this never happened previously.

AngryBadger

Have you spoken toa professional councellor about some of this? Whether it's affected your personality or not it's obviously something that you had trouble dealing with, maybe talking to someone about it would help you straighten some issue out?

Nevyn

Even if it was the best decision may for all the right reasons at the time you still have to go through a grieving process for what could have been.

As you are starting to a more serious relationship with your current gf you see how things could of went and as you get your headspace to such were you don't have reservations about having a child now at this stage in your life you are naturally going to feel down that the first child you do have was not the first possible child.

I would suggest you go talk to your dr and get a referal to a counsellor because you need to sort through your feeling on this other wise it will haunt you and marr the many happy moments you have head of you in your life when you do become a Dad and hold your first child in your arms and hear them call you Dadadada and see them talk thier first steps ect all if can be awfully bitter sweet unless you deal with your feelings now and learn to acknowledge them so that when you are reminded and you will be that you can get on with you life with out getting twisted up about it.

LegacyUser

Hmm, yeah, I didnt think about when having my first child if that is going to mess me up. Happily my girlfriend knows what happened so I have a clear conscious about it that I am not hiding something from her. I had to tell her as she didnt know what was wrong me (we started going out a few weeks after the thing).

I know I have bottled all the feeling about it and just ignored them. Maybe talking to a professional mighn't be a bad idea.

Odysseus

It sounds to me that you have a lot to talk about mate, as the others suggested seek some therapy, as you said its not about the rights or wrongs in relation to your situation, its about giving your the opportunity to put words on your experience. Best of luck with it.

Dreamer 7

Yes OP ive been there about 2 years ago, my situation was different from yours as I had two beautiful children already. We both made the decision but it didnt make it any easier.

The whole day was surreal as i flew over in the morning and was back home by 9 that night. I put it in a box and didnt think about it as I ha just come thru 2 very dark yrs of PND and didnt want to trigger it off again.

Just 3 weeks ago I was cooking the dinner when a song came on the radio that reminded me of that day and i just lost it. He found me on the floor sobbing my heart out, i couldnt even stand with the pain inside me. It came out of nowhere , he had to go to work and that night was the darkest Ive had in a long time. I felt like i was only grieving now 2 yrs later.

Ive put the memories back in the box for now, I cant cope with the4 thoughts and regrets i feel about the whole thing, maybe Ill be ready one day but not now.

The worst thing i think is that there is a lost soul wandering around over there, with no way of finding its way home. I was its mammy and I abandoned her. God Im gonna stop now before it sets me off again.

To be honest OP I dont know if it gets any better, but I really hope it does:(

shoegirl

You can't change the past. But you can influence the future.

Definitely worth talking to a counsellor or close friend about your feelings. There is no shame in being depressed, whatever the original cause.

Surfer Chick

IMO abortion is totally and utterly wrong and its an easy way out.

BUT, saying that my friend had an abortion, on her own, without telling any of her friends and i don't hold anything against her for it. I wish she had have spoke to a friend first but there you go. lifes a bitch, then you die, or commit murder

Talliesin

Be careful as to where you get the counselling though. If your Dr. suggests CURA get a second opinion.

Nevyn

Surfer Chick, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Talliesin

Talliesin wrote:

Be careful as to where you get the counselling though. If your Dr. suggests CURA get a second opinion.

Why?

Mrs_Doyle

Dreamer 7 wrote:

The worst thing i think is that there is a lost soul wandering around over there, with no way of finding its way home. I was its mammy and I abandoned her. God Im gonna stop now before it sets me off again.

Thats one of the most upsetting things I have ever read. I could never go through with an abortion for that very reason.
A few years ago I was very ANTI-ABORTION, until a friend became pregnant at 18 and her bloke didn't want to know, her mother called her every name under the sun and threw her out, and her Dad wouldn't even look at her.
She had an abortion and it broke her heart, she was never the same, and when she returned her mother welcomed her home on the condition that she never mention it again.
That poor girl was never allowed to grieve, I am sure one day she will crumble under the weight of what happened.

I still couldn't have an abortion myself, but I realise that women have many motives and reasons for going through with it, reasons that we culd never posisbly understand.
I try now not to judge, but to be there as much as I posisbly can.
It is not a black and white issue, and just because you or I might not do it, does not mean that we have the right to condemn those who do.

Beruthiel

Deleted User wrote:

Why?

They are not pro abortion and wouldn't be much help to the OP

LegacyUser

The thing that always plays on my mind is I picture what the child could have looked like, I always have a picture of a young boy and as the mother is from another european country he has many of the features of the people from that country. And I always think, well by now he would have been x years old.

Thats the thing that bugs me.

Trinity

talking to someone should help.

you shouldnt carry so much guilt, it is ok to grieve but it was a mutual decision you did not force her into it.

I dont mean to sound patronising but had it not happened you may not have met your girlfriend, things have to be right and when the time comes to have children you will know its right.

had you both gone through with the pregnancy your life certainly would be a lot different but not necessarily for the better.

try to put the past behind you and look to the future.

Beruthiel

TheGuilty wrote:

Thats the thing that bugs me.

Regret is a dead emotion.
There is absolutely nothing you can do about the past, turning stuff like that over in your mind with 'what if's' will do nothing but totally melt your head.
Go see a professional who will hopefully teach you how to deal with this.

Mrs_Doyle

Mrs_Doyle wrote:

a friend became pregnant at 18 and her bloke didn't want to know, her mother called her every name under the sun and threw her out, and her Dad wouldn't even look at her.
She had an abortion and it broke her heart, she was never the same, and when she returned her mother welcomed her home on the condition that she never mention it again.
That poor girl was never allowed to grieve, I am sure one day she will crumble under the weight of what happened.

I still couldn't have an abortion myself, but I realise that women have many motives and reasons for going through with it, reasons that we culd never posisbly understand.
I try now not to judge, but to be there as much as I posisbly can.
It is not a black and white issue, and just because you or I might not do it, does not mean that we have the right to condemn those who do.

That is such a sad story parent's really can be cruel sometimes, the same happened to a friend of mine.
She raises the baby alone with the help of her family, and I can remember how some people initially reacted with shock and how some acted appaulingly, It made me wish I never get in that situation , ever!!

Going Demented

I had an abortion in December 2004. Like you i was very happy go lucky before it and it was teh toughest decision of my life (i was very anti abortion, go figure, you NEVER know until you are in the situation for those of you making comments). Well afterwards it hit me and i went off the deep end. Even went so far as attempting suicide on the anniversary last christmas. DONT go near CURA. I did and i regret it to this day. The IFPA offer councilling and they are very good. I went to the doctor and was told i was suffering from depression. Saw a councillor. Felt good to just get it out. My mother would not let me speak about it, still doesn't. It breaks your heart at times but you cannot change the past. I am seeing a psychiatrist now and i THINK finally i am beginning to accept it. I regret it, i wish i could change it, but i cannot and you can't drive yourself crazy thinking what if or wishing you could go back. Best of luck. I would advise you to go speak to your doctor!

BoozyBabe

Surfer Chick wrote:

IMO abortion is totally and utterly wrong and its an easy way out.

Oh right, & what you're doing isn't utterly wrong & an easy way out!!!:mad:

No one here gives a toss what your opinions are, & you were specifically asked to keep them to yourself, so do that!!!

To the OP, all I can say is what others have already said:- what's done is done, you can't change it, & wishing you could will only make you unwell.
Things happen for reasons.

Concentrate on the future & when your chance to be a parent comes round again you'll know more than most of us, just how precious that is, & you'll cherish that with all your heart.

& Dreamer7, your story is heart-breaking. I'm really sorry to hear how you're feeling, but at that time in your life it was what you needed to do. It's easy looking back now when perhaps circumstances are different, thinking you shouldn't have done what you did, but I'm sure it wasn't just a rash decision.

Regret's a hard thing to live with, you should really try to get past it. Maybe have a long talk with your partner & get it all out of your system, instead of letting it build up inside.

Best of luck to the two of you. I hope it's never something I have to experience.

Take care

Danes

Beruthiel wrote:

They are not pro abortion and wouldn't be much help to the OP

Its true that CURA are not pro-abortion but they do orgainse post-abortion counselling for anyone who needs it. There is usually a waiting list though so I'd advise speaking to a GP and getting a referral from there.

Nevyn

Cura's idea of post abortion couscelling is to get the person to admit what they did was morally wrong and seek forgiveness that is after explaining in detail the errors of thier ways.
The last thing a person need is such tender care.
Both the wellwoman/wellman centres and the IFPA do referal for post abortion couselling for men and women or get your dr to do a referal.

The Corinthian

It's amazing how partisan this thread became within a few posts.

OP, if you are pro-life go to Cura, if you’re pro-choice go to the Well Woman centre or some other organisation that is as pro-choice as Cura is pro-life - whoever agrees with your World view best. The reality is that you’re not going to get impartial counselling or advice. Not even here.

LegacyUser

Hey Op - going through the same thing as you.

my wife got pregnant last feb (we have another child already) unplanned.
We were both shocked and not really ready for it.
I'd be of the opinion that "hey we're a family - another kid isn't going to ruin things" but my wife was adamant after the tough pregnancy before and the PND afterwards she wanted an abortion.

I told her a few times that I wasn't going to stop her but it was not what i wanted.
She went anyway and I cried while she was away.
When she came back we tried to get on - she was weak and ill and I looked after her...
Then she was out drinking and partying as if nothing happened.
.but within a few weeks we weren't talking and split up.
We've never blamed the abortion: she blamed me for being a control freak I blamed her going out from one end of the weekend to the next.

Anyway after a few months apart we are attempting a reconcilation but i dunno if I'll feel at ease with her again. sometimes wonder if I'm wasting my time with the reconciliation. although I do love her...the trust is gone.

back to your point - the hurt is still there but I've kinda gotten over it - i do feel guily cos i didn't put my foot down on the issue. When we had our first child she bought up england and I shot it down. Sometime I wonder why I fought for my child and not the other one - that confuses and freaks me out sometimes - I think I was lucky cos i have another child to focus on.

Anyway hang in there. I'm sure it'll get better in time. Maybe when you have kids yourself the hurt will heal

ircoha

Beruthiel wrote:

1 Regret is a dead emotion.

2 There is absolutely nothing you can do about the past, turning stuff like that over in your mind with 'what if's' will do nothing but totally melt your head.
3 Go see a professional who will hopefully teach you how to deal with this.

I dont agree with the first sentence but I do the second and third.

Have a browse in the self help section of a good bookstore as well.

One word of advice on the counselling, only u can be sure u are telling the right things to the counsellor and only YOU can decide to follow the advice.

Take care, it is not easy, and you cannot change the past

Danes

Thaedydal wrote:

Cura's idea of post abortion couscelling is to get the person to admit what they did was morally wrong and seek forgiveness that is after explaining in detail the errors of thier ways.
The last thing a person need is such tender care.

:eek: Really????? Do they not use professional counsellors?

Nevyn

Danes not all couselling is non dirctive, Cura is a catholic agency and thier points of view and policy are formed as a result of that.
Any further discussion of them would be off topic mind.

LegacyUser

Goin unreg for this.

I was in similar situation to poster above, G/F was adamant that she did not want it for several reasons, including medical ones.
She was adamant that she did not want me to come with her. Which i bitterly regret, even if it was just to hold her hand.

We are still together years later and talked it through. It was rough for a while but we managed. It hasn't gone away though and i can still see her looking at certain topics on TV for example and know what she is thinking.

Its a regeret but one we have learned to live with by talking and being open, but at one small level it is still there

delop

I wonder if the irish suffer from genetic catholic guilt, even if we think we dont.

For example i was working in the med a few summers ago in a type of holiday rep (though not what you see on Sky10 type job, and in the tea room one day there was a conversation about a girl that had been there last year. To make this brief...

She quit...
Boss asked why, guessed she was pregnant and offered to take her somewhere local.
The girl agreed

Im a bit cynical, thinking the boss just didnt want to loose a worker/slave and mumbled something... I was asked to clarify..

I said that it sounded terrible to me that a boss would do that, I asked was she offered councilling and was laughed at. One girl said she had 2

Well now that got me thinking, they were all english and I was the only Irish and just dosent seem as big a deal to them, I know small study group