Foreign Girlfriend Driving me up the wall.

LegacyUser

Okay, going anon for this one, and won't be going into specifics...

I met this girl about a year ago in her home country, and we really hit it off. We fell in love and spent a lot of time together over the past year. When I finish college, we planned that I was going there to live, and we'd be happily ever after.

She's currently living with me in Ireland, and for the past four months, we've grown steadily more impatient with one another. A lot of it has to do with not getting enough sleep, or working too much, but either way, we get pissed off with each other a lot.

Much of the problem comes from the fact that we're in each others faces 24 hours per day. I'm the only thing she has over here, and I would feel guilty leaving her to go out with the guys, or whatever. She seems like a hinderance to my whole life, and makes me feel guilty about everything: getting up to go out when she'd prefer to sleep, making her go to work when she feels everyday like quitting, etc.

She's going home next month, and she'll be there for a good four months before planning on returning. She keeps talking about what we'll do next time, but I think I'm almost at the end of my tether on this one... I know I still love her her, but I don't know if I can do this anymore.

Some advice on the best, most considerate, and least painful way to end it would be greatly appreciated. I'm tearing my hair out, here.

Lust4Life

Just be completely honest with her.
And do it before she goes home - face to face.

Maybe if you helped her make new friends it wouldn't be so bad?
Shoulda took her to the Boards Beers and let her mingle.

Relationships are never easy. It all depends on how much work you are willing to put into it. If you aren't willing to put in the work, then it is best to end it quickly.

L4L

free2fly

There is no painless way to end a relationship OP. Just be honest with her about your reasons for the breakup. I'm sure she already knows that it's a problem.

galah

Just let her make her own experiences in Ireland, let her make her own friends - and most of all, do your own thing, too! Allow each other some freedom (if she wants to sleep, let her sleep, and go out alone, for example!), otherwise it won't work! Just imagine it the other way round - you go and live in her country - you would not want to be "stuck" there, either!

If you really, really want this to work, freedom is key - that way, you actually have something to talk about when you both get home, she won't feel so dependent on you, and you have some freedom, too, to do what you want...Don't plan ALL your lives around each other, anyone would go crazy over that!

If you want to end it - do it face-to-face.

Ruu_Old

I wouldn't go and end your relationship right away. I think you are having difficulty living with her and feel a bit trapped, maybe thats all it is. Don't wrap her in cotton wool but I understand how you feel. Maybe get her to join a club, allow her to go out more in the daytime into town or something.

Beruthiel

Conflicted wrote:

we've grown steadily more impatient with one another. A lot of it has to do with not getting enough sleep, or working too much, but either way, we get pissed off with each other a lot.

Much of the problem comes from the fact that we're in each others faces 24 hours per day. I'm the only thing she has over here

All that can be fixed if you still care for her.
It would of course, require effort on both your parts.

Mr. Presentable

The fact that she's foreign, as you call her, shouldn't be a factor. Though it implies your less than full respect for her.

Anyone who has a relationship for any length of time will tell you there are always times when it needs work. If it's your wish to maintain the relationship you must both be prepared to work hard at it once in a while.

Life is not all gravy. Thank goodness. I mean, really, the stains!

BossArky

Take up running - it will get you out of the house for 30 mins of "own" time and give you a way to let off steam and vent frustration through exercise. Sounds odd but it works.

Manny7

nipplenuts wrote:

The fact that she's foreign, as you call her, shouldn't be a factor. Though it implies your less than full respect for her.

I think his point is that she has no links here except for him.

OP, if you're finding it tough imagine what it's like for your girlfriend. She's moved over here for you, leaving behind her old network. However you're still in your old pattern and want to continue seeing you mates etc (as is natural). The best thing that she could do is follow the advice people always give here for people who feel lonely/have no friends, get out there and join a club or find people with similar interests. She could so this alone or the two of you could do it together, she just needs to meet people who are not always going to be friends of yours first and friends of hers by extension only.

My then-girlfriend certainly had these issues when she first moved to this country, we're happily married now so it can work out. If you do really want to make a go of it, make the effort to meet new people together (or help her to anyway) so that you are not her only link to this country.

AngryBadger

Strikes me as odd that somehow it's your fault she has nothing voer here but her job and you. Shouldn't she be getting her finger out and finding something else? Being in a relationship doesn't mean you own someone, and if she can't handle you having your own thing going on then that's her problem not yours. I'd cut her loose since I could only see this kind of ting getting worse, ad I'd have serious doubts about someone in a relationship who seems to think the other person is like their property or something.

Kell

Conflicted wrote:

and I would feel guilty leaving her to go out with the guys, or whatever.

Why? Unless she specifically says "what would I want to out with YOUR mates for", convince her into spending time out without you if thats what you want.

From being in a similar boat several years ago and the ex having nought in the country bar me (awful work schedule), I know full well what its like having someone there 24x7. Just be sure she doesnt resent the fact that you can go out when you like and she feels she cant (if thats the case).

I wouldnt jump ship though at this stage. The four months away from eachother is probably exactly what you need.

K-

metrovelvet

Four months is nothing! It takes two years to create a life in a new country. Have you advised her on the best way of making new friends?

Why dont you bring her out with your friends?

A lot of it has to do with not getting enough sleep, or working too much, but either way, we get pissed off with each other a lot.

Quite frankly it sounds like you are two little kids who really really need a nap.

Drapper

Conflicted wrote:

Okay, going anon for this one, and won't be going into specifics...

I met this girl about a year ago in her home country, and we really hit it off. We fell in love and spent a lot of time together over the past year. When I finish college, we planned that I was going there to live, and we'd be happily ever after.

She's currently living with me in Ireland, and for the past four months, we've grown steadily more impatient with one another. A lot of it has to do with not getting enough sleep, or working too much, but either way, we get pissed off with each other a lot.

Much of the problem comes from the fact that we're in each others faces 24 hours per day. I'm the only thing she has over here, and I would feel guilty leaving her to go out with the guys, or whatever. She seems like a hinderance to my whole life, and makes me feel guilty about everything: getting up to go out when she'd prefer to sleep, making her go to work when she feels everyday like quitting, etc.

She's going home next month, and she'll be there for a good four months before planning on returning. She keeps talking about what we'll do next time, but I think I'm almost at the end of my tether on this one... I know I still love her her, but I don't know if I can do this anymore.

Some advice on the best, most considerate, and least painful way to end it would be greatly appreciated. I'm tearing my hair out, here.

Foreign or Irish your post title explains allot about your immaturity to deal witha situation regarding relationships! As already explained, she has given up allot to be with you:-

1. she is in a foreign environment;
2. you are the only person she trusts here;
3. we speak a different language so she may not be comfortable with english! (this is a big stress......I've been told)
4. you are meant to be her boyfriend?

You need to introduce her to friends and get her involved in social activities, her country may have an embassey and they may have social events! outings etc.........

I have a "foreign" partner and to be honest I do not see her as a "foreigner" but as a mate! and best friend........... maybe you need to take responsibility, talk to her and discus the future, don't go on if you have doubts! that can't be worked on!;)

LegacyUser

Drapper wrote:

Foreign or Irish your post title explains allot about your immaturity to deal witha situation regarding relationships! As already explained, she has given up allot to be with you:-

1. she is in a foreign environment;
2. you are the only person she trusts here;
3. we speak a different language so she may not be comfortable with english! (this is a big stress......I've been told)
4. you are meant to be her boyfriend?

You need to introduce her to friends and get her involved in social activities, her country may have an embassey and they may have social events! outings etc.........

I have a "foreign" partner and to be honest I do not see her as a "foreigner" but as a mate! and best friend........... maybe you need to take responsibility, talk to her and discus the future, don't go on if you have doubts! that can't be worked on!;)

Okay, there's a bit of confusion on this one. My girlfriend is not foreign. Perhaps that was a poor choice of wording. From overseas, is perhaps the best way of putting it. Native English speaker.... American, in fact. Not sure that that changes everything, but people who think that I see her as a second class citizen or whatever just because she's "foreign" can just change their tune. Perhaps it's my fault for explaining poorly.

Okay, so to recap:

1. She doesn't like me going out with friends - Last week I went over to a mates house to play a few internet LAN games. I came home the next morning, and she had stayed up ALL night watching TV, claiming that she couldn't sleep unless I was there.

2. She's completely indecicive - Whenever we want to do something together, it's always a battle to decide what to do. It's not that I'm lacking in suggestions, it's just that she shoots down all of them, without making any suggestion of her own (what movie to watch, what to eat, she never knows what she wants... she only knows what she doesn't want. Drives me crazy.)

3. I have tried to bring her out with friends, and introduced her to new people. Brought her to a wedding, and engagement party, threw a huge barbeque and invited 20-odd people to it, went away on holidays with her where we met a ton of new people, etc.) I've tried my best to accomodate her with regard to getting her out, but she's still depressed, sleeping 14 hours a day, and fully expectant that I'll stay by her side at all times.

4. She's distracting me from my family, friends, job, and hobbies - I have very little time left for my brother, my mother, my friends, or for myself (she moans at me every time I boot up my pc, for instance)

5. She's clingy and needy - When I'm at work, I'm in charge of things. It's my job to make decisions and delegate, etc. And she comes along and is hugging me and trying to kiss me and generally embarassing me and undermining my authority. I know it might seem childish, but it's something akin to your mother coming up, spitting on a bit of tissue and rubbing your face clean during a job interview... does anyone get this point I'm making?

Okay, so I'm sorry to rant, but hopefully this will give you all a better, more complete picture of what I'm dealing with.

Do I sound like I just need a break? Or does it sound to you lot that we're incompatible. She's going home in ten days, and the consensus is that if I decide to break up with her, that it needs to be done face to face.

Any more opinions would be greatly appreciated.

(Now, I gotta get back into bed before I wake her up.. )

Magic Pips

Ok first of all relax. You love her. <- full stop

All this pressure is down to living in each others pockets, as you know yourself. This is not only up to you to fix.

i was in this position myself, arguing all the time etc... we broke up and i'm still not sure we should have.

Sit down and have a talk, stress the fact that you love her, and want to see her happy.

see how that goes...!

MonkeyWrench

I can relate to what you are going through from both your girlgriends perspective and yours as I have been in similar positions before. Its not easy for you and it certainly ain't easy for her either. I think ye both need to sit down and talk about what is annoying the both of ye. She probably has a list of stuff that is annoying about you too as you have your own and i'd make a sure bet that whatever is on her list is probably directly relating to her depression.

Sit down, talk it all over in the space of a couple of days and then see if this has made a difference. If it hasn't then i'd imagine that you will probably break up with her while she is on her 4 month stint away.

good luck

Lindaloo

Being the only person she has is difficult for both of you and I sympathise with you both. It'll all work out in the end, be patient with her though, when you move over to her country, it'll be you on your own so don't give her too much grief.

Have your friend's not got girlfriends that could invite her out etc.?

She's lonely, that's the long and the short of it, when she goes home she'll be okay again and when you're on the phone for the 4 months, you won't remember how hard it was when she was living here.

I'd say stick with it, you're pure frustrated but you sound like you really love her, stick it out and it'll work out.

Good luck

shoegirl

A friend of mine had the same problem with his ex-fiance. She was from outside the EU so couldn't work without a VISA, so she was basically bored. Eventually she got bored enough to go off with somebody else, so that put an end to it.

I myself had absolute hell from an ex about 5 years ago who was Irish but too damn lazy to work. Inevitably the ex became difficult (again I think a lot of it was boredom and lack of respect), so on top obvious financial strains at the fact that in the end I was working in a low paid job and simply couldn't carry the 2 of us, it was absolute hell. Eventually I changed the locks after the ex had gone missing for the 2nd time in 2 weeks for 4 days.

If she is European I'd suggest she look for a job, if not, I'd suggest she goes and does some kind of educational course where she'll have things to do, and people to meet etc.

po0k

Snip. Cloud.

If she's not satisfied, she could get off her arse and go find something to do.
Has she no interests or hobbies herself? She's gotta give you some personal space, seems to share the common misconception that when in a relationship with someone, the person's previous life ceases to exist or matter.

This advice applies equally in any gender mix.

BossArky

She needs to get out on her own to build confidence of handling herself without using the OP as a crutch.

Maybe she's still settling down if this is her first time away from home. What kind of age group are we talking about? I would have thought that since she is native English speaking she shouldn't have too many problems getting to grips with the culture.

LegacyUser

Age group early 20's

LegacyUser

I'm 21. She's 20.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Conflicted wrote:

Okay, there's a bit of confusion on this one. My girlfriend is not foreign. Perhaps that was a poor choice of wording. From overseas, is perhaps the best way of putting it. Native English speaker.... American, in fact. Not sure that that changes everything, but people who think that I see her as a second class citizen or whatever just because she's "foreign" can just change their tune. Perhaps it's my fault for explaining poorly.

Okay, so to recap:

1. She doesn't like me going out with friends - Last week I went over to a mates house to play a few internet LAN games. I came home the next morning, and she had stayed up ALL night watching TV, claiming that she couldn't sleep unless I was there.

2. She's completely indecicive - Whenever we want to do something together, it's always a battle to decide what to do. It's not that I'm lacking in suggestions, it's just that she shoots down all of them, without making any suggestion of her own (what movie to watch, what to eat, she never knows what she wants... she only knows what she doesn't want. Drives me crazy.)

3. I have tried to bring her out with friends, and introduced her to new people. Brought her to a wedding, and engagement party, threw a huge barbeque and invited 20-odd people to it, went away on holidays with her where we met a ton of new people, etc.) I've tried my best to accomodate her with regard to getting her out, but she's still depressed, sleeping 14 hours a day, and fully expectant that I'll stay by her side at all times.

4. She's distracting me from my family, friends, job, and hobbies - I have very little time left for my brother, my mother, my friends, or for myself (she moans at me every time I boot up my pc, for instance)

5. She's clingy and needy - When I'm at work, I'm in charge of things. It's my job to make decisions and delegate, etc. And she comes along and is hugging me and trying to kiss me and generally embarassing me and undermining my authority. I know it might seem childish, but it's something akin to your mother coming up, spitting on a bit of tissue and rubbing your face clean during a job interview... does anyone get this point I'm making?

Okay, so I'm sorry to rant, but hopefully this will give you all a better, more complete picture of what I'm dealing with.

Do I sound like I just need a break? Or does it sound to you lot that we're incompatible. She's going home in ten days, and the consensus is that if I decide to break up with her, that it needs to be done face to face.

Any more opinions would be greatly appreciated.

(Now, I gotta get back into bed before I wake her up.. )

Ok, you've told US this, but have you told HER???
Have you ased what SHE wants? And if what she wants is unacceptable, then tell her.

Drapper

SyxPak wrote:

Snip. Cloud.

lamao

daiixi

metrovelvet wrote:

Four months is nothing! It takes two years to create a life in a new country. Have you advised her on the best way of making new friends?

Actually general concensous from a lot of people who have done it would say that it takes six months to create a life in a new country. I've done it twice and I'd definitely say six months. I've been in Ireland now for two years and I've been comfortable here for a very long time.

Then again, you've actually got to make an effort and want to make friends/fit in/get a job you enjoy.

the corpo

You mentioned her being depressed. Maybe this is a much bigger deal than you realise. Her behaviour sounds like she's down deep.
Sounds to me, and my uninformed ways, that rather than making any drastic decisions you really need to properly talk to her, about every single one of these issues, ask her can she see the problems, and ask her whats really going on.

Maybe

metrovelvet

It sounds like depression. Maybe homesickness? Moving is one of the most stressfull things, next to divorce and bereavement.

Is it legal for her to work in Ireland?

Friendship is bi-product of shared activity. She should maybe take some classes. And from an outsiders perspective its very difficult to make friends with Irish women. Its a cliquish nation and very introverted compared to what Americans are used to and that can be very diffcult to negotiate when you are not au fait with the social codes.

Also we make both speak English, but we are still speaking two very different languages, not so much in terms of vocabulary, but in terms of meaning and interpretation. We misunderstand each other a lot [imo].

juanjo

I think she's just a selfish, controlling person, probably obsesive as well, and it won't bring you any good. I know an irish bloke with the same problems with a polish girl, and i always told him to split with her. this girl is even worse, left work cos depression due to having problems with him, she lives with him not doing anything at all and rings him all the time when he's working, crying and sort of using the foreign fact all the time to say how bad she feels and so.

When you are with a person your main goal should be bring as many happiness and good moments as you can to your mate's life, rather than turning it into hell.

My best advice, leave her, it'll be hard at the beginning but after a while u'll see u've done the right thing.

free2fly

metrovelvet wrote:

And from an outsiders perspective its very difficult to make friends with Irish women. Its a cliquish nation and very introverted compared to what Americans are used to and that can be very diffcult to negotiate when you are not au fait with the social codes.

Also we make both speak English, but we are still speaking two very different languages, not so much in terms of vocabulary, but in terms of meaning and interpretation. We misunderstand each other a lot [imo].

Hmmm...strange you should think that about irish women metrovelvet. I have found irish women to be very friendly and open to letting me in. I have many very close female friends in Dublin. And I am an American. Perhaps it is just the particular group of women that you have been exposed to in Dublin?

OP no what what you decide you need to talk to her before she goes home. As i said before, be honest with her. From what you have said it sounds like she has issues. You are both too young to be getting that serious about each other tbh. I was married and a parent at your age and missed out on so much. Be young and free while you can.

metrovelvet

Dublin is different. Im talking about Ireland.

OP tell her to join the American Women in Dublin Club. They have a link on the US embassy site.

free2fly

metrovelvet wrote:

Dublin is different. Im talking about Ireland.

OP tell her to join the American Women in Dublin Club. They have a link on the US embassy site.

I respectfully disagree with that as well. I have female friends in West Cork, Galway, Tipperary and Ballymena as well.

eiretamicha

Ok, I'll try not to write a novel here, OP, but I really think I can shed some light on this situation.

I'm an American married to an Irishman. Two years ago, after finishing my study abroad course in Aberdeen, I moved to a small town in Co. Tyrone to live with him (my then boyfriend). I had never lived with a guy before in my life...and lemme tell you...Wow. It was a MASSIVE change from what I was used to.

First of all--we had no cash. He was just fine on his own before he met me, he made just enough money to support himself, but when I came into the picture, and couldn't legally work because I was a "visitor" and not from the EU, our spare cash flow went down to zero. Because of this, there was no going out to the pub (something we were both quite used to), no going to the cinema, and no extensive travel outside of his town because we couldn't afford the bus fare. In short? We were trapped in his town--and this drove us nuts.

Of course, I couldn't have picked a better time to move in with him (October), and being from Florida, the lack of sunlight didn't bother me a bit. :rolleyes: I ended up with SAD, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, which was basically sudden and major depression due to lack of sunlight. Now, don't misunderstand...I absolutley despise living in Florida, and actually prefer rain, clouds, and mistiness...but for some reason I couldn't get out of this slump of depression. I was sleeping until 2pm every afternoon and found myself counting the seconds until he'd come home from work. When he did come home, I'd just cry to him about nothing at all. It was awful. When we move back, we're getting UV lights for the house.

As for the clingy and needy part? I have to mention that public displays of affection are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT IN THE STATES!! I could not understand for the life of me why my Aidan would shy away from kissing me in public or holding my hand while walking down the street. He bragged about me all the time, told all his friends about me, and introduced me to every new person we met...but when it came to kissing, holding, hugging, etc...he just wasn't comfortable with it. I (stupidly) thought he was embarassed of me...and we had many arguments because of it. Finally I realized that many couples in Ireland weren't as open with public displays of affection as many couples in America are. It's just how it is. After living in Florida with me these past 9 months, he is much more open now and we definitley kiss and hug more in public, but still no broad daylight make-out sessions (lol) or hand-holding. It's just not his thing, and I've learned to understand it...but it definitely took time. Your girlfriend might be in the same situation as I was, thinking that you're embarassed of her or something. You should definitely talk to her about this and explain as best you can.

Anyway, just telling you this so you might understand what it's like from her point of view. She's alone in a different country and you're all she has. Now if you can't deal with that, then yes, you should probably end it with her (and don't be a pansy, do it face-to-face before she leaves). But if you love her and think you can talk to her about these problems, try and work it out. There's definitely still hope for your relationship!

Hope I've helped at least a little bit!

metrovelvet

I got SAD there also!

I think its hard for Americans to adjust to the less open culture.

And free2fly - thats ok. It may also be an age thing. As people get older and have familes they tend to settle down and hang out with their families.

You guys are very very young no? Maybe too young for this kind of thing?

ircoha

SyxPak wrote:

Snip. Cloud.

If she's not satisfied, she could get off her arse and go find something to do.
Has she no interests or hobbies herself? She's gotta give you some personal space, seems to share the common misconception that when in a relationship with someone, the person's previous life ceases to exist or matter.

This advice applies equally in any gender mix.

Post edited. Cloud.

Cake Fiend

ircoha wrote:

I suggest as a moderator you edit this post

I suggest as a moanyhole you edit the stick in your ass. Also visit www.senseofhumour.com/purchase.php. (Also notice that Syxpak is not a moderator of this forum. Why do people always bring up the mod thing? Should I be very careful about what I post here because I'm mod of the Recycle Bin? :rolleyes: )

OP, see how you feel after 4 months apart. If you're pining after her at this stage, give it another go. If you're still glad to be rid of her, IMO you shouldn't drive yourself to depression over a relationship at your age.

secret_squirrel

OP you are a little young imo - which prolly isnt helping.

Its been my experience that American women can be a little more neurotic than most, (wild generalisation I know) which prolly wont help but you need to think if the relationship you have is worth the effort.

Tbh it sounds like you have already made your decision, and so has she.

ircoha wrote:

Promoting domestic violence, or assault of any description on women is unacceptable, I suggest as a moderator you edit this post

I suggest as a noob you stfu.

eiretamicha

secret_squirrel wrote:

Its been my experience that American women can be a little more neurotic than most, (wild generalisation I know) which prolly wont help but you need to think if the relationship you have is worth the effort.

It's not our fault, though, it's all the pollution over here.

metrovelvet

Its also because we are used to a lot of status which you just dont get in Ireland.

free2fly

metrovelvet wrote:

I got SAD there also!

I think its hard for Americans to adjust to the less open culture.

And free2fly - thats ok. It may also be an age thing. As people get older and have familes they tend to settle down and hang out with their families.

You guys are very very young no? Maybe too young for this kind of thing?

I'm sorry dear I didn't quite understand what you meant by that. Would you mind expanding on that a bit? Are you implying that I'm too old or too young to understand?

LegacyUser

I think he was referring to me?

You're probably right... it's not like I asked for all this to happen

metrovelvet

Not at all. I was saying that depending on what your age group is the experience can be different, thats all. You sound like you have been successful. I know plenty who have been frustrated and lonely as foreigners in Ireland for this very reason. I also, did not have too much trouble myself, but I boiled it down to having been familiar with the culture most of my life.

And when I said "you guys" I mean OP and his girlfriend.

Kell

Conflicted wrote:

I'm 21. She's 20.

Then you are WAY too young to be putting up with this sorta crap.

I take back anything said in my earlier post and advise you to move on with your life.

Having been there, unless she is prepared to do something about her situation (which she obviously isnt) dont shoulder the responsibility of sorting her life out.

Move on.

K-

Blazer

Sico wrote:

I suggest as a moanyhole you edit the stick in your ass. Also visit www.senseofhumour.com/purchase.php. (Also notice that Syxpak is not a moderator of this forum. Why do people always bring up the mod thing? Should I be very careful about what I post here because I'm mod of the Recycle Bin? :rolleyes: )

OP, see how you feel after 4 months apart. If you're pining after her at this stage, give it another go. If you're still glad to be rid of her, IMO you shouldn't drive yourself to depression over a relationship at your age.

sorry for going off track

yes you should..you're a mod on boards.ie not just the recycle bin..
there is a general rule across boards on all threads that no thread should contain any suggestion of violence..if you have issues with this then maybe you should stick to posting in the humour section.

Cloud

I've edited the objectionable posts.

Beruthiel

Mathew
If you have a problem with a comment, report it and stop taking this thread off topic.

OP
At 21 years of age, you are too young to have this sort of responsible relationship on your shoulders, you should be out partying.
If you were in your 30's my advise would be different, but at your age I think it's time to call it quits. If she is going home then tell her before she goes.

eiretamicha

Beruthiel wrote:

Mathew
If you have a problem with a comment, report it and stop taking this thread off topic.

OP
At 21 years of age, you are too young to have this sort of responsible relationship on your shoulders, you should be out partying.
If you were in your 30's my advise would be different, but at your age I think it's time to call it quits. If she is going home then tell her before she goes.

I respectfully disagree. What does age have to do with being able to maintain a "responsible relationship"? I am 22 years old and quite happily married. My husband is 26. We were 21 and 25 when we married. If two people are in love and want nothing more than to spend the rest of their lives together, why should their age matter? What is the cut-off? 29? 30? When are we not "too young to have this sort of responsible relationship on our shoulders"?

That said, I know plenty of 30 year olds who are definitely not ready to be in a commited relationship. I think maturity level is what matters in this aspect, not necessarily age.

Kell

eiretamicha wrote:

What does age have to do with being able to maintain a "responsible relationship"?

Its not so much having a responsible relationship. Its about knowing when get the hell out of a dysnfunctional one and suggesting that the OP shouldnt be in the middle of a dysfunctional relationship at his stage of life.

eiretamicha wrote:

If two people are in love and want nothing more than to spend the rest of their lives together, why should their age matter?

Your circumstance is completely diff to the OP and therefore completely irrelevant to the topic. He has stated he is unhappy and wants to get out of the relationship.

K-

eiretamicha

Kell wrote:

Its not so much having a responsible relationship. Its about knowing when get the hell out of a dysnfunctional one and suggesting that the OP shouldnt be in the middle of a dysfunctional relationship at his stage of life.

Your circumstance is completely diff to the OP and therefore completely irrelevant to the topic. He has stated he is unhappy and wants to get out of the relationship.

K-

I've already offered my opinions and advice to the OP. I was simply making conversation with Beruthiel--didn't have much to do with the OP's specific circumstance at all. *shrug*

Beruthiel

eiretamicha wrote:

didn't have much to do with the OP's specific circumstance at all. *shrug*

Then perhaps now would be a good time to take a look at this forums Rules and Charter. Comments with regards to the OP's topic are all that are allowed in this forum.
I was also married at 21, and I firmly believe it is waaay too young. You're quite welcome to come back and post again when you are 30 and let us know if you still are happily married.
It is quite clear from the OP's comments that things are not going well, so yes, if at this stage he is not happy then there is no point going on.
You're early 20's are for partying, if you avoid doing the partys then, you will start when your 30 instead, it can't be avoided you see, all of us need a time in our lives when you get to let your hair down.

metrovelvet

Beruthial -

eiremachta has said shes from Florida. From what I understand they start early down there.

Its a southern thing.

eiretamicha

metrovelvet wrote:

Beruthial -

eiremachta has said shes from Florida. From what I understand they start early down there.

Its a southern thing.

Actually, I was born up north in Rhode Island and was raised there for half of my life...don't have any "southern" family members. Getting married at the age I did had nothing to do with being a "southern thing". And seeing as the people from my husband's town don't seem to leave their mom's and/or get married til at least their late 40's, can't blame it on being a "northern" thing for him either (he's from Co. Tyrone). My reasons for marrying at my age differ in no way from the reasons that lovers choose to marry at age 30, 40, 50, etc.

Beruthiel wrote:

Then perhaps now would be a good time to take a look at this forums Rules and Charter. Comments with regards to the OP's topic are all that are allowed in this forum.
I was also married at 21, and I firmly believe it is waaay too young. You're quite welcome to come back and post again when you are 30 and let us know if you still are happily married.
It is quite clear from the OP's comments that things are not going well, so yes, if at this stage he is not happy then there is no point going on.
You're early 20's are for partying, if you avoid doing the partys then, you will start when your 30 instead, it can't be avoided you see, all of us need a time in our lives when you get to let your hair down.

I have 100% faith in my marriage. Simply because you had a bad experience does not mean they all turn out that way. It's a bit close-minded to even suggest that, IMHO. But each to their own.

And I find it rather sad that people believe partying ends once you're married. My husband is not just my lover, he's my friend as well. We go out with his friends, my friends, and just by ourselves and we never fail to have a great time. Personally, I have found that I party way more now than I ever did before I was married, perhaps because we now have double the friends. The only difference between going out when I was single, and going out when I met my Aidan is that now I don't have to worry about sleezy guys trying to dance with me.

Then again, maybe I have a different take on "partying".

Just to add, I was not aware that in order to post a comment on a thread here in PI, that said comment must deal solely with the OP's specific question. I was under the impression that staying on topic with a thread was just that...staying on topic with the whole thread...which includes others' comments. I do apologize if I've misunderstood.