Relationship with a girl from Pakistan

concerned01

Hi, I need some advice and I don't know where else to ask.

I've posted this here, although it is more a cultural question and not of Islam, I hope people here may have experiences to share.

Two months ago I started a relationship with a girl from Pakistan who is living in Ireland. We work together in a company I manage and even though we have only been together two months, we have become very close.

The trouble is that her farther is a devout Muslim. She will not tell him we are together and she said she is afraid to do so. I don't want to hurt her and am not sure how best to deal with her father. He speaks little english, so even though I've met him I would find it hard to discuss anything of this with him.

The other complication is that her sister was married last year to a man in Pakistan that her did not know. From what I've picking up this is also planned for my girlfriend.

Does anyone know of a similar situation and how is best to go about resolving it?

Thanks for any replies.

wes

That is one hell of a pickle to be sure. All I can think of is that you need to talk it over with you girl friend. Remember she does not have to marry the man her father has chosen, its against Islam to force her to do so. She has to do this of her own accord.

Does she live with her parents btw? If so this complicated things more.

I am sorry I was not more help.

Medina

Hi,
I think posters are a bit wary of trying to give you 'advice' because its such a complex and tricky situation you are in.

In Islam law, a Muslim girl is not allowed to marry a non-Muslim man, you haven't said whether you are or not but this may be causing her some concern.

Would you consider converting for her sake? Personally I don't think thats a good idea as in my very humble opinion people should only convert for God's sake and should believe what they take on. However as Wes said, you're in some pickle there. It would be a drastic measure but maybe the only one if you are not a Muslim already.

the_new_mr

Sorry I couldn't answer sooner concerned01 but I've been busy and haven't had a chance to get a crack at the forums since Tuesday night.

Your situation is a little tricky but not impossible.

As Wes has already pointed out, she can't be forced to marry a man she doesn't want to. This is very clear in Islam and arranged marriages of this kind are against Islam and is one of the misconceptions that people often have about this largely misunderstood religion.

Parents playing matchmakers is perfectly okay obviously (as it would be in the west or in any non-Muslim family) but the final say is up to the bride and groom. I know that there are a number of Pakistanis who often don't see their potential spouse until the day of the wedding and often feel that they have to go through with it without even getting a chance to get to know the other person. This is very unfortunate and needs to stop really.

As Medina has said, a non-Muslim man can't marry a Muslim woman. It appears to me that from the text of your post that you're not Muslim. This brings out the fact that you have a decision to make if you are both serious about this relationship having a future. As Medina has also said though, a person should only ever change their religion for God's sake and never for any individual. Worship is meant to be pure for Him and you'd only be fooling yourself and your friend if you converted just to marry her without really meaning it.

If on the other hand, you're willing to consider finding out about Islam and embracing it because you truly believe it is the right religion then all that remians for you to do after that would be to convince her father of that and that you both love each other and want to live a life together as Muslims. Here's a good link to get a start on finding out about Islam:
http://islamonline.net/English/Discover_Islam/index.shtml

If and when you do decide to meet her father, I would suggest bringing another Pakistani man who could interpret for you if something needs to be understood well. Find out what language he speaks first though because there are a number of lanugages spoken in Pakistan. Maybe her brother or uncle or something? Obviously someone who is favour of your situation.

A note on this. If her father tells you that it's already arranged for her to marry a man back in Pakistan then perhaps you can very politely tell him that, since she doesn't want to marry this man and wants to marry you and that you want to be a Muslim (or maybe already are by that point), that you know that this would be un-Islamic. You'd need to choose your words very carefully here though. Your knowledge of Islam may impress him on the one hand but on the other hand, he may get embarrassed and/or offended and might get a bit angry leaving you in a most difficult position. A Muslim marriage should really have the blessing of the parents as much as possible so you don't want to make an enemy of him.

I pray that everything works out for the best for you both God willing.

Very interested to know how you get on. Do let us know!

DublinEvents

Hi Concerned01

I agree with the opinion of the_new_mr, but I have a few questions which need to be sorted out before we can give further suggestions.

Firstly, is the father of the girl also in Ireland with his daughter? If yes, then I'm sure if you talk with him, or make someone convince him on your behalf, he will understand the situation (given that you are a Muslim or convert).

The reason I'm saying this is that if the father was liberal and open-minded enough to bring his daughter to Ireland and make her do a job, he will/should be open to discussions about his daughters marriage with someone living in Ireland.

Secondly, can't the girl talk with her mother, and she can try and convince her husband about this marriage?

Some other questions that need to be asked are if the girl and her family recently shifted to Ireland, or have they been settled here for a few years now?

If they have been here for a while now and the marriage of her sister happened a few years ago, chances are that the father will be open to consider marrying her to someone living in Ireland now.

No doubt marriage is a big decision in one's life and it should be done with the consent of the parents.

InFront

I think previous posters have given you pretty good advice.

Honesty is the best policy. If the girl's father or family find out about the relationship inadvertantly, they will probably be angry for hiding this from them. As the_new_mr said, if you just speak politely and with an understanding of Islam to her father, perhaps he could be convinced of a resolution.
It certainly is a complicated problem and there isn't an easy solution. An empty conversion to Islam would be creating a marriage that is built on a lie and I don't think it would be a good idea in the long term.

But please also remember that it would be unfair to ask the girl to forsake religion or family for you. Depending on her family's response to the relationship, she could find herself in that position and it would be an awful decision to make, I imagine. I'm sorry if that doesn't help much, it is a difficult situation to find yourself in.

the_new_mr

InFront wrote:

Honesty is the best policy. If the girl's father or family find out about the relationship inadvertantly, they will probably be angry for hiding this from them.

Words of wisdom from InFront there I love the way you say so much in so few words. Think I need to take a leaf out of your book

Wibbs

Good advice alright. Regardless of the faith involved, keeping stuff like this secret is not the best plan. Any parent would probably have issues with that. It shows a lack of respect for them, never mind their faith.

the_new_mr wrote:

Words of wisdom from InFront there I love the way you say so much in so few words. Think I need to take a leaf out of your book

Naw. I like reading your stuff. I have to take my time with it. Makes a nice change.