Sex Issues - Whats the best way to approach it?

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

I have been going out with my girlfriend for around 3 months now and we are doing as well as you can expect to do after 2 months really as in we get on really well and have a laugh and whatnot. Basically, she is a virgin(but she doesn't know I know this) and I am not but that's no big deal at all that she is. Basically, she stayed over in my house the other week and I was performing oral sex on her and I was really horny and I asked her to perform oral sex on me.

I am trying so hard not to be rude here but I basically asked her if she could drop the hand on me. She said that she was really bad at it and I said if you feel uncomfortable, don't bother, it's no big deal. Anyway, she clearly wasn't confident doing it so I stopped. One of my stupid friends made a coincidental joke to her saying "I hear you don't like ****" one night out on the piss, which made her think I told him this...but I didn't and it was just my mate being a typical joker by talking crap which happened to be coincidental.

Anyway, she brought this up with me the following day(and she was clearly quite down) and was concerned and asked me if i told him the incident that happened(whereas she said she was crap @ giving handjobs) and I said "No of course not..." and she believes me but it was just coincidental of him to say it. Now she told me also the following day, that there is a guy in college who is always going on about "Girls are crap at giving handjobs" and I gather from her telling me this that she has a bit of a complex about it. I am also going away on holidays shortly for 2 weeks to America and she told me she panicked when she heard my mate say it because she thought I would go do the dirt on her away since I am not getting "action" here from her. Now, I really like this girl and I do not want to pressure her into anything. At all. I like her so much I don't care about the sex, I will wait until she is ready. One thing I want to know is though, next time we are fooling around or she stays over, and I get really turned on again, would I be able to ask her then to perform oral sex on me or should I just ignore it or should I tell her what to do? Or do I just continue the trend of me relieving her and wait until she is ready or comfortable...I mean I always "relieve" her.

Basically my question is, do i talk about with her on another day when I just meet up with her or should i wait until we are sleeping over again and also, what is the best way to bring it up with her? I don't want her feeling uncomfortable about it and i really like the girl so don't want her to think I am just with her for sex either. Basically, I don't want her to not trust me or feel uncomfortable, I respect this girl and don't want to ruin it. Any ideas?

kdouglas

i could understand if she was generally uncomfortable with sexual contact, but if she is letting you perform oral on her, then she obviously doesnt have a problem with it.
sit her down and talk to her, tell her that your not trying to seem like all you want is sex/oral/hand-jobs but fair is fair, she should at least return the favour.

she obviously is worried about not doing it right or something, but the only way she is going to learn is to practice, so maybe next time she is over, have a couple of drinks to relax a bit and then see if she wants to "play", tell her not to worry about doing it wrong or hurting you, and maybe give her a hand to start off?

Akrow

If you talk to her the same way you explain yourself here, then the girl will know that you think she's special.

You say she's a virgin... so am i right in assuming that she's generally inexperienced? If so, then you have to explain to her that it's a right-of-passage thing. It'll take some practice before anyone gets good at oral sex or handjobs, contrary to some guys who might tell a girl she's a natural.

Explain to her that this is new to her, and that the two of you are going to have a lot of fun perfecting your techniques on one another. She'll feel a lot more comfortable if you are humourous about it, as opposed to acting too serious about the whole matter.

After all, it's supposed to be fun?

kdouglas

Akrow wrote:

After all, it's supposed to be fun?

yea, good point, make sure it's fun too,be able to laugh during sex is good.

ircoha

You must travel with care here.

If you want the relationship to work you cannot go down the, " i blew u so u must/should blow me route". She has to like doing it in the same way as u like going down on her.
Yes of course there is give and take in a relationship but not, in my opinion at that level.

If you pressure her into doing it " to please u" so to speak and it goes wrong then it is game over.

there is a hugh difference between a hand job and her performing oral sex on you.

Both take practise but the latter is a more complex issue for obvious reasons, for example does she "do it to completion/etc/etc/ does she use a condom/flavoured or otherwise - google for oral sex and you will get all the options.

Your friend did not help either and neither does the following joke:
the start is as u describe and the reason she wont is that she thinks he will not respect her anymore.
Anyway of course the man promises that he will still respect here etc.

She goes down on him and then goes to bathroom to clean up and the fone rings:
he picks up and as the call is for his moth, he calls: Hey cocksucker, its for u:(

the reason I tell it is that depending on the girl, oral on you can be a bridge too far as it is not the same as u on her and it has all sorts of issues.


One final point, when u go down on her if u adopt the 69 position with u below, then perhaps.......:)

In closing, take it slow and have fun.

LegacyUser

Sorry I made a mistake, i thought oral sex was a handjob. Apologies. I wasn't expecting her to go down on me. I was just looking for a handjob.

Sorry for the mixup.

Has anyone ever been in this position before where you just decided to sit it out and wait and see? Obviously, i would never want her doing something she doesn't want to do but I just get so turned on but if needs be, i can control it. Afterall, i respect this girl a lot. I just want to satisfy her and her also for me and i hope time will sort it out. I repeat, i just want her to be happy. Do you think she will get desires to do stuff to me like I do to her which in turn will make her want to experiment without me actually saying anything? Obviously, I'm a guy and all i think about is sex but still, i don't want to pressure my girlfriend into doing things she doesn't want to do.

loadabollocks

you seem to have attitude towards the situation, so in my opinion it will all happen in time.....she will relax and learn to feel more comfortable with you sexually.
i know its frustrating when your dick is screamin at you but think how much fun you will have when it starts to progress

LegacyUser

heres a female view. shes just scared of disappointing you. truth is she might never had done it before and thinks because you're experienced you'll be able to tell straight off and make fun of her or lose interest or whatever else rubbish is in her head.
tell her how you feel. dont go into how horny you are. it'll pressure her. she doesnt really have hard issues with it if shes willing for you to touch her. clearly she enjoys it.
but was it just that other night when she stayed over that she didnt want to try? i remember when i was starting off and things were starting to progress i had a problem with things moving faster, mainly because i confused the guys wishes for pressure. i was ready to take the next step but i hated feeling it was him controlling the situation by edging things on, or so it seemed. we talked it out that night and after that, in fact the next day, it was me moving things on.
imo its a wee bit selfish of her to think she should be the only one receiving anything sexual from this. but she might be so inexperienced at the moment she mightnt be able to enjoy herself yet and she feels you're getting more out of this fooling around then you.
maybe show her your post to make her understand what you are thinking. but leave it a few more times when the chance for her to return the favour arrives. she might surprise you!

spinandscribble

how many times has this happened? just once? give the girl time to prove herself if so. all this stuff with the friend and her paranoid friends are making her think way too much about it and causing undue stress!

Trinity

How old are you both?

Its a very scary time for young girls, they dont give lessons in school on how to do it!!

just reassure her that you can teach her, you set the pace, tell her when shes ready thats ok but...........

i would stop all physical activity altogether to be honest until she was ready. I'd be more than frustrated if i was doing all the giving all the time and getting nothing back. She has to realise that thats not the way relationships work.

the longer you go on like that the longer it will probably continue.

Sleepy

Next time you're together just take her hand and show her how to do it, don't say anything, just teach her how you like it. Afterwards you can tell her that there's no such thing as 'right' or 'wrong' in bed, just "what's right for you"

Trinity

Sleepy wrote:

Next time you're together just take her hand and show her how to do it, don't say anything, just teach her how you like it. Afterwards you can tell her that there's no such thing as 'right' or 'wrong' in bed, just "what's right for you"

Thats actually not bad advice

a little GENTLE guidance can turn out to be arousing, put your hand over hers and move her hand at your pace that you like then when shes comfortable let go.

get the mood right first though dont just grab her hand and plunge into it or it will be like forcing her but make it romantic with a bit of kissing and cuddling first and build up to it.

Anti

Sex issues. Whats the best way to approach it ?

Teabag her while shes sleeping and see what she says !

Nah im just messin


I think the best thing is to simply sit down and talk to her. And try and make her feel comfortable about it. As she seems nervous about not making you enjoy it.

sleepy's idea is a good place to start. but you could get a slap from that. or she could just go all shy withdrawn.

LegacyUser

I would suggest you talk to her and tell her that you have no expectations about climax or anything and that your willing to let her practice on you. Then just give her free reign and let her experiment, when she does something you like, let her know! She might want lights on, or at least a little to see the general makeup (although it's fairly straight forward for guys!). Just let her feel her way around and try some things without any expectations.

Guide her if she wants a "helping hand" but remember to keep it fun and don't discourage or get overly agitated! Nobody is an expert at first, nobody, let her know that you are comfortable with her being unexperienced because everyone has to start somewhere and you don't mind being her subject! Also, unless your happy in the role, don't become a complete "giver" as then she has less incentive to learn how to return favours.

LegacyUser

girls view wrote:

heres a female view. shes just scared of disappointing you. truth is she might never had done it before and thinks because you're experienced you'll be able to tell straight off and make fun of her or lose interest or whatever else rubbish is in her head.
tell her how you feel. dont go into how horny you are. it'll pressure her. she doesnt really have hard issues with it if shes willing for you to touch her. clearly she enjoys it.
but was it just that other night when she stayed over that she didnt want to try? i remember when i was starting off and things were starting to progress i had a problem with things moving faster, mainly because i confused the guys wishes for pressure. i was ready to take the next step but i hated feeling it was him controlling the situation by edging things on, or so it seemed. we talked it out that night and after that, in fact the next day, it was me moving things on.
imo its a wee bit selfish of her to think she should be the only one receiving anything sexual from this. but she might be so inexperienced at the moment she mightnt be able to enjoy herself yet and she feels you're getting more out of this fooling around then you.
maybe show her your post to make her understand what you are thinking. but leave it a few more times when the chance for her to return the favour arrives. she might surprise you!

I wrote back to this already and my comments were posted but I have no idea where it is now!

To be honest, I put it down to lack of experience totally. She gets nervous and she is also a panicker in general, as in if she gets a thought in her head, she can overanalyse it and panick. To give an example, the night my friend said to her "I hear you don't like **** and semen" when he was just trying to joke around(he was pissed which is why he said it, he wouldn't say that pathetic stuff normally, well i hope not!) but anyway, when he said it to her and she thought I had told him that behind her back, she went into the girls toilets and panicked, she told me that she thought I would just do the dirt away on holidays(when i go in 3 weeks) on her because i am not getting "action" here. I asked her why did you panick so much(i knew but just wanted to see wat she would say) and she said that he basically quoted her. Although, she did say to me that she didn't mind me talking to my friends about it because she knows what guys are like to which i replied "no i wouldn't be like that with my friends since your my girlfriend and i respect you so much, i don't talk about that stuff". I was thinking about showing her the post but i don't want her to think it's a massive deal and I also don't want her to know I know that she is a virgin cos i want her to tell me in her own good time and I don't want her to panick. I hope time sorts it out but I am trying to think next week when she is back and i see her and she calls over to me and we are getting "affectionate", should i just chill the jets and not expect anything in return. I just don't want her to be unhappy or nervous. Maybe i will leave it a few more times before bringing it up again...? So confused and i am usually so decisive in general.

We are both early twenties and in our final year in college.

I'm a messer in general and by that I mean, I am always being sarcastic and joking anyway with her so if i was to bring it up wit her, I would do it the best possible way and without making it a massive deal. I'm good at that sort of stuff.

ConfusedGuy

hey guys, just bumping this thread since boards.ie only processed the above post a few mins ago.

Trinity

You sound like a really nice guy and i must sound like a bitch but i stick to my original opinion and that is to stop pleasing her.

it is sooo easy to get into a routine and right now this is yours. if you continue this way it will be like this for a long time.

you are putting yourselves into a rut, sexually.

Does she panic when you are making her cum? i doubt it. so the next time you get romantic and are kissing and smooching on the bed take her hand and guide it.

if she pulls away say its ok we wont do ANYTHING until your comfortable. and stop all messing about and have a cuddle.

it sounds harsh but its the only way.

and yes i am a girl and yes its not easy but you have to learn sometime dont you and unfortunately practice is the only way

Kell

ConfusedGuy wrote:

and I said if you feel uncomfortable, don't bother, it's no big deal.

WTF did you do that for? Stating that your bad at something doesnt equal that your uncomfortable with it. Perhaps a more apt approach would be to suggest the fun you would both have honing her skills. Having made light of the situation, you would be mentally and physically relieved, and in the process make her more comfortable with your requests. Easy peesy, Japaneezee.

Personally, I would avoid the BIG CHAT as you might come across too strong and leave her feeling "ooh fúck I have upset him" in which case she will feel compelled to perform. Next time you are fooling around, place her dainty/slim/chubby whatever little fingers wherever you like and say "i like this" (even if its up your bottom. I hear some guys like this). Its really that easy. As someone said earlier, if she likes oral then she is obviously comfy with elements of her sexuality. *Being a virgin doesnt mean your a prude.

K-

*Kell entering the middling years of virginity.