Male ego/sex-drive v relationship/maturity

LegacyUser

Here's one that has me thinking. Over the last six years I've been single and loved every second of it. I've had many one night stands with different girls and there have been a few girls I have had ongoing things with. Pretty much all of the girls were very pretty and a good few of them were very beautiful. So much so, that most of my friends were always slagging me about how I was always surrounded by gorgeous girls. All of these girls were very nice too and I'm still friends with an awful lot of them but a relationship never blossomed out of any of it.

And then something happened....

I kind of got to a point where I no longer felt the desire to go home with the prettiest girl I could meet. I think my ego had finally gotten itself enough pats on the back and I was chilling out. Another aspect of it is that because I love sex I decided that I'd rather have no sex than bad sex and while one night stands can be great, most of the time the sex is average at best and just because a girl is a babe doesn't mean the sex is any better. So over the last while I've just been going out and partying and having fun and not bothering to hit on girls and it's been absolutley brilliant! I have totally had more fun than I would have otherwise and coincidentally have gained some great new female mates.

And then something happened again.....

About 2 months ago I girl I knew from a while back as mates walked into a freinds birthday dinner and I instantly felt a tingle. Something I haven't felt in a long time. We hung out and had an amazing laugh. I have spent the last while hanging out with her more and we kissed once but she's not into messing with boys at the moment (blame her ex on that!) so she's taking it really easy (It also seems that being with all those previous girls have developed a reputation that may be working against me!). Even thinking about the sound of her laugh makes me happy, while it's still really early, I'm defintiely feeling something.

What has me thinking is that out of nearly all the girls I've been with she's not exactly at the babe end of the spectrum. She's certainly not ugly and while I love the fact that I'm attracted to her for all the right reasons I'm worried that not having a strong physical attraction may cause problems further down the line. At the moment we're going very slow but she knows I'm chasing her and although she's taking it handy I know she fancies me too. I think it's a matter of time before we kiss and if we do it will be more for more than a one night stand. But there is still a bit of me that wants to be with a gorgeous girl (that makes me sound much more of a dick than I am!) and I'm nervous about that side winning and me messing around this girl that I think I'm kind of mad about! God the male ego is a difficult thing!! (For the record I'm in my late 20s. That may seem to old to be dealing with these issues but a lot of guys never deal with them!! ! )

free2fly

What, exactly, are you asking for here OP?;)

secret_squirrel

Indeed, how is this a problem for you?

Do you want tips on managing your ego or what??

LegacyUser

I think you should row your overinflated ego to an unihabited desert island and explore that deep and meaningful relationship....

Colm_OReilly

It seems the OP is concerned that, while he's quite happy with this girl, he might resent her looks in the future.

Ask yourself what you really want: the feelings you get with this girl or the feeling you get of pulling a babe?

Ask yourself: Is it fear of not being the guy you used to be or anxiety because this is something new/different to you?

As simplistic as it might sound, you don't know what will happen down the line, or how you feel down the line. Sounds like it's a pretty interesting place to start from. You can never really be certain about the future, so worrying about it certainly doesn't help does it.

Hope I've been useful,
Colm
Note: No offense intended in any of the language used in this post. Just trying to offer a new perspective to the OP.

LegacyUser

free2fly wrote:

What, exactly, are you asking for here OP?;)

Doh! Sorry about that!

I'm just sharing my thoughts to get feedback and wondering if other guys or girls have had similar experiences or any thoughts on the subject.

Dagon

That's a really interesting post mate, and the funny thing is, I posted almost the exact same thing a while back (anonymous) and got some helpful responses.

In my post, the problems was similar and at the time I was really liking a girl but was unsure whether I should go for it and go for a relationship because I wasn't overly physically attracted to her and had been with more attractive girls.

For me the problem seemed to be: beautiful girls who wreck your head VS really nice personality/life soulmate potential..but not exactly babes

In the end, I decided that there needs to be a certain amount of physical attraction for it to work out long term, I think if I had started a relationship with the girl who I really loved personality wise (but she didn't have a great body) I may have always been looking around thinking about other girls.

Now I've found someone who I find really attractive and sexy but she is also genuinely nice person and we get on amazing. It isn't easy mate, but at last I think I'm able to stick with this girl. I don't think I need to go out and "score" babes anymore because I'm happy with my girlfriend.

But I do see where you're coming from, cos even though I might not have been getting about as much as you had, being with really nice girls every now and then does kinda get lonely because you need to find someone who you like in more ways that just physically... then it's a bit frustrating to the old "male ego" when you do find a soul mate... and she is nowhere near even close to some of the babes you have been with in the past. But you know none of them were relationship material so what do you do?

If you are sufficiently attracted to the girl you're persuing now, both as a soul mate and a sexual partner, then go for it. And maybe she will be really good in bed as well You're in your late 20's, maybe it's time to just see where this relationship takes you instead of constantly chasing after different girls - cos this doesn't really lead to any deeper fulfillment after the night is gone... I think you're ready for something more special!

katikaze

interesting thread. first off, don't you find the whole beauty thing perspective based? as soon as someone has clear skin, ok hair and is not fat, they can be classified somewhere in the attractive column and many people in the attractive column have bad times - skins sunburnt, hairdresser messes up. also, beauty nowadays (media wise) is more generic; petite even featured women with amazingly healthy bodies skin and hair. its easy enough to purchase that look!

point is, i find peoples looks change as i get to know them. think of portraits; one artist sees the prominence and largeness of certain features, another appreciates the curves and if your picasso in his whatsit period, you see geometric shapes.

so, this girl might not be your idea of beautiful but the beauty should be in her or the eye of the beholder; not so on the outside.

was she similar looking before? theres also alot to to be said for posture and the way someone moves - it gives us a clear insight into what the person is (chin high, back straight, direct stare = open honest, direct. downward gaze = introverteted)

anyway, i think it's nice that you're getting the tingles like that. enjoy!

LegacyUser

This is an interesting thread for me.

A couple of years back i was chasing this bloke - we got on brilliantly, always had a laugh and i felt he understood me more than anyone ever had before. However i never got beyond chasing him because in the past he had always been with a certain type of girl - small, blonde, very slim. Everything i am not. I would never look at myself as unattractive but clearly in his eyes i wasnt good enough/small/slim/blonde enough.

It just used to irriatate me so much that he based so much on looks, despite saying to me that he got on better with me than anyone else before. And he didnt just want to be friends - we kissed a few times and it was very obvious that he fancied me just as much as i liked him.

So i guess what im saying OP is that you should definately give this a go with the girl who is not your definition of a 'babe' physically. If you are feeling tingles already then a strong physical attraction will probably develop as it often does.

You are scared that this will cause problems in the future but dont think so far ahead and just roll with it and see what happens.

You could be surprised.

Beruthiel

seacat
Why not just stop thinking so much and just go for it?
From experience, I can tell you that the more you start to care for someone, the more attractive they become to you.
Suddenly you will notice their eyes more, or the way they smile when you say something to them. If you like this girl for who she is, then I believe she will grow on you as each day passes.

LegacyUser

The only thing is, in the real world, after the initial "romantic" phase is gone, you will want someone who you find sexy and attractive, as well as a real soul mate. If you want a long term, real, relationship, there simply has to be good sexual chemistry and you have to be mutually turned on easily. Otherwise, you may end up wanting to cheat with super-babes just for the sexual thrill. Then going back to your soul-mate for a companion.

bragan

Beruthiel wrote:

seacat
From experience, I can tell you that the more you start to care for someone, the more attractive they become to you.
Suddenly you will notice their eyes more, or the way they smile when you say something to them. If you like this girl for who she is, then I believe she will grow on you as each day passes.

Couldn't of said it better myself. There more you like someone, the more attractive they become.
I have been going out with my boyfriend for just over a year. At the start i wasn't that attracted to him, and i went through the same mental dilemma as you are. But we got along so well, that i decided to go for it. Truth is, i love him so much now that words can't even describe it(corney, i know!). And i can't imagine ever meeting someone that im as attracted to, as him.

The Corinthian

seacat wrote:

I'm just sharing my thoughts to get feedback and wondering if other guys or girls have had similar experiences or any thoughts on the subject.

It’s normal; you’re beginning to feel an urge to settle down. Unfortunately you’ve a lot of womanising instincts to get out of your system if you do intend to do so. Takes a while.

air

As a male I'll have to cut in and totally contradict the previous 3 posts which were all by females. In my experience physical attraction never grows as time goes on - quite the opposite in fact. I went out with a girl for about 6 months @ one point & she was essentially perfect personality wise etc, but there was no spark there physically (1st night was drunken). In the end it kept eating away at me & it got to the stage where I really didnt like here physically & had to end it.
I'd advise to give it a go for a while but if you still have doubts in a month or two, go the way of Dagon & hold out for a hottie.
Edit: corinthian posted in between - was referring to the 3 posts above that

secret_squirrel

The Corinthian wrote:

It’s normal; you’re beginning to feel an urge to settle down. Unfortunately you’ve a lot of womanising instincts to get out of your system if you do intend to do so. Takes a while.

Sums it up nicely excellent post.

OP you also need to realise that if you intend spending a significant amount of time with someone (say years and years) then frankly both your looks are going to deteriorate.

You need to get over your physical perfection hang up otherwise you run the risk of being one of the saddo old 35+ blokes that are still chasing 20 yr girls.

You will soon come to realise that whilst looks are immediate, figuring out someone on your level intellectually and emotionally can literally be the experience of a lifetime.

Trinity

Are you worried about what your mates think of your choice of girlfriend?

Are you worried they'll be thinking you can pull better than that?


why are you putting so much thought into this if you like this girl you will know.

it think you are more concerned about what other people will think.

if there is an 'initial' attraction there to begin with then i believe it can grow. And surely your standards are high enough that if you are sleeping with her you must find her somewhat attractive. I agreed to go out on a date with a guy i didnt find particularly attractive to begin with but as time went on and after a few weeks his personality shone through i thought he was gorgeous!!

theres a lot of truth to that saying its whats inside that counts however i do believe attraction is important to keep the spark alive after all if you end up married to her you have to climb into bed with her every night for the rest of your life.

try using your heart instead of your head. You'll find the answer is there.

LegacyUser

To the op, im with my bf two years and some people may say he isnt the best looking fella in the world, i wasnt even physically attracted to him at first and many of my previous bf's had been very handsome so i often wondered what was i doing with him. But truth is now after two years with him im so attracted to him and its not based on his looks. i love him because he loves me, we are so comfortably in each others company, we share our lives with each other and to me thats what being with someone is all about. My handsome ex's were boring, selfish and vain that even with their "physical" good looks they were the most ugly people i have met. Yes everyone would like a good looking partner on their arm, but beauty fades quickly and it really is whats on the inside that counts. So to all the people that look at me wondering what im doind with my "ugly" man, he just so happens to be the most beautiful person that i have ever met and thats all that matters!

dr.bollocko

I like "bi" above, that post makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and like everything is going to work out....

Was thinking, another potential side to the problem:

should a relationship even be started if you arent sure right away if there is a long-term connection there?
I mean is that what most people think when they are starting a new relationship? "Will this last?"
Cos I have to say I go through all sorts of stages, but at the very early stages of a relationship im just the giggly "Im gonna get LAID" person.

cance

OP i would share your concern,

they say love is blind but i dont buy it, surely you have to be attracted to somebody to make it work.

you said yourself your friend is pretty, but if you dont find her attractive i would suggest not persuing it, as she is taking it easy you have a perfect "step back and be friends" scenario.

Not finding her attractive does not mean you find her ugly, it just means she doesnt do anything for you.

dark and curvy! wrote:

It just used to irriatate me so much that he based so much on looks, despite saying to me that he got on better with me than anyone else before. And he didnt just want to be friends - we kissed a few times and it was very obvious that he fancied me just as much as i liked him.

well im sorry lady, but life isnt fair at times. granted this guy messed you around a little but he must have felt that in the long run he would only end up hurting you when his eye wandered.i have been friends with gorgeous girls and had chances with a few of them, but they just didnt do anything for me despite how much i enjoyed their company. that is where i draw the line between friendship and relationship.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. ALOThas happened since.....

This weekend I went on a trip with some of her mates to their friends country cottage and I can categorically say that I now think this girl is absolutely amazing and while I can't say I'm quite simply in love (that's not something I say say or feel lightly. I don't want anyone messed around). I really, really want to find out what I'm feeling and I know it will hurt like hell if I never get the chance. I smile at the thought of her voice, her laugh, her quirky mannerisms and sooooo want to be intimate with her....phew! I can actually even imagine her smell and get goosebumps. She just has......something special. And I'm not the type to feel this everyday!

On the first night on this trip we went for a 3am walk alone together and kissed and made love. We were totally drunk and the next day she kinda acted like nothing had happened. It didn't prove akward or anything though. In fact we had one of the most fun weekends you could imagine. I felt completely relaxed with all her friends and family and it was unbeleivable craic. They genuinely seemed to take me in close and some of them even said that no matter what happens they'd really like to see me again as they think I'm one of the nicest people they'd met in ages and have been inviting me to stuff since. Which is really cool! Good reports all round I reckon! Her recent ex also came up in conversation and it seems pretty clear that alot of her friends didn't like him at all and privately said I was in a different leauge (one above him for the record!!). Although I did do one thing which she afterwards told me she thought was distasteful (she was right and I said sorry), which has me really paranoid! I guess she'll forgive me though!

At the same time she doesn't seem to be completely eager to be honest. Or at the very least she is certainly taking things slowly (she told the collective group that she's over boys and won't have sex for the next three months). As soon as she left the room her big sister said, "Ah jaysus. You should just hit her a slap. Or even better give her a bleedin shag." (cue much laughter!)

When we got back from the weekend I sent anonymous flowers to her house as a thanks and she said it took a bit of time but that she worked out it was me. She was utterly over the moon and it was lovely.

And then a friend of hers suggested she might actually be getting close with a recently seperated male friend. This kind of threw me as I know she is very fond of this guy and talks about how good looking he is, how he's every mothers dream and how incredibly talented he is (he's a very well known young Irish actor). Although other friends have said they're no more than just great mates and they haven't kissed or anything at all. Maybe I'm just getting too worried here (perhaps a little understandable in this situation!!)

What shall I do??! I'm an extremely open and honest person who always lets people know what I'm thinking but I'm afraid that if I do that here it'll just scare her off. That said I'm actually prepared to go as slow as she wants. She has invited me with some of her friends trying to go away to Donegal when she has a week off soon. A female friend told me to stop holding back and so a bit of me is thinking that I'd like to whisk her away on a surprise trip just for a couple of those nights to a place in Europe I know she really wants to go and not try and have sex but at the same she'll at least know how I feel. But again I'm afarid that this might be excessive, I don't want to freak her out or be a dope if she is actually seeing someone. Although I kinda like this idea because I'm a real romantic and these things don't really happen much in our lives so I think they should be embraced when the time is right and it could be pretty amazing. Although as I write I'm wondering should quitely invite her to do this with me rather than do it as a surprise that could go all wrong? What do you think? Or should I go for something that while nice and big is maybe a little more local and subdued? The funny thing is, if things don't work out between us I think I could deal with it and we could become mates anyway. What really, really gets me is the idea that through waiting or holding back she either decides not to try with me or to ends up seeing someone else so I never get the chance to find out what this is I'm feeling.

Does anyone happen to have a special button that sorts these things out? God, I'm good with girls but this is HARD!!! AHH!