Death of a parent

445279.ie

I lost my mother recently and finding it kinda hard.

Anyone else have the same experience and some advice?

muletide

really sorry for you but you might find more compassionate people in the Personal Issues forum.

Alot of people treat AH as a stand up show

scojones

Moved from After Hours as it certainly isn't the right place for this. I hope you can find the help you need here OP. Best of luck.

445279.ie

muletide wrote:

really sorry for you but you might find more compassionate people in the Personal Issues forum.

Alot of people treat AH as a stand up show

ok thanks. not thinking too clearly recently and didn't search properly.

ircoha

Its not easy

What u need is some BEREAVEMENT COUNSELLING, depending on where u are in the country it should be availabe to you, ask yor doc's secretary or call your local SW office.

Keep well.

Pet

Counselling is the best option I think.

I didn't go for ages, and it really did me no favours. I was stuck in a bad place (mentally as well as situationally) for a number of months, and just kinda vacillated and basically just shut down inside and didn't address the myriad issues that surround the death of a parent.

Be prepared; there are strange thoughts that you have; you can be not just angry but furious at everyone around you, especially your family/siblings. You can have survivor's guilt; there's a lot of stuff you'll never get to talk about and you'll never get closure on. That's the part that comes after the first few months - realising all the conversations you'll never have, the things they won't get to see you do, etc.

What saved me from going bat**** insane was the fact I had good friends who rallied around me and basically carried me through. If you have friends or family who you can rely on, don't be ashamed or hesitant to do it, you need it.

It's a tough time and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. There are a load of clichés which people will tell you - "It gets easier" or "You never really get over it, you just live with it" etc, and they sound like bull****, but at the heart of it, they're true.

But take my advice about the counselling. I didn't then and I regret it now - I dropped out of college, basically spent about 6 months inside, didn't see very many people (and I'm usually quite outgoing/sociable) and generally lived quite unhealthily. When I eventually went, I felt much better for it. Don't make the same mistake as I did.

Btw - it's been 18 months and I'm in a much better place now, so it IS possible. "There's always a light at the end of the tunnel" - there's another true cliché for you.

sideFX

rebel72 wrote:

I lost my mother recently and finding it kinda hard.

Anyone else have the same experience and some advice?

It took me 5 minutes to open this thread. Really sorry to hear that. I haven't experienced this so have no idea what you're going through and i daren't imagine.

I went to see a councillor when my Gran died cause i struggled with it big time. I had to. I wouldn't let myself talk about it with anyone else cause for some reason i didn't feel safe, if ye know what i mean? Honestly it did me the world of good. I have to say i did find it quite hard for the first half hour but after a couple of sessions (that's all i really needed but is different for everyone) of talking, laughing and crying in a completely safe environment i felt a whole lot better and found it easier to cope.

Again, sorry to hear it and i hope you're feeling better soon...

445279.ie

It's only been 7 weeks tomorrow and I've been relatively good. But my best friends father died yesterday and I've just come back from the funeral and it brought back some horrible memories.

I'm a very outgoing person and usually very positive. But now I'm angry most of the time and VERY intollerant of what I consider other people stupid issues. Work got me through recently but now it's really p*ssing me off.

sideFX

rebel72 wrote:

It's only been 7 weeks tomorrow and I've been relatively good. But my best friends father died yesterday and I've just come back from the funeral and it brought back some horrible memories.

I'm a very outgoing person and usually very positive. But now I'm angry most of the time and VERY intollerant of what I consider other people stupid issues. Work got me through recently but now it's really p*ssing me off.

Seriously, you'll be doing well to listen to the other posters post about councilling. I think they said they made a mistake by not going sooner. Learn from their mistake rather than your own. God i hope that doesn't sound harsh. It will be the best thing you do no matter how much your head lies to you telling you you are ok.

There are generally 5 stages to mourning the loss of someone that you go through. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

It's a difficult thing to do is go to a councillor but you will be able to work through it and cope better. Even google '5 stages of mourning' and see if you can learn anything that might help you.

I wish you well..

InFront

I have no experience of losing a parent, but I'm sorry to hear about what's happened.
It's only a small thing, and it sounds a bit silly I suppose, but it's the only real advice I can give. My mother lost her mother when she was a girl, and she says what got her through it was speaking to her when she was alone - literally speaking out loud into the air. It might be easier to do it by the grave, or before you go to sleep, as some sort of comfort.
Everybody is different, but Mum seems to have found it helped her anyway.

Best of luck. You sound as though you have been doing well.

SarahMc

7 weeks? That is still so raw, if you weren't finding it hard, I'd be worried about you..

I lost my mother a year ago, and still go to pieces at other people's funerals. I went to counselling after my father died, around the two month mark, as felt like I couldn't function, would be doing something totally mundane, and just start crying etc. The Counsellor reassured me this was totally normal, there was nothing wrong with me, and the only cure was time.
I went through the anger and intolerance too... It will pass, in time you will look back and remember your mother with fondness.

Through Grief
There is no way round grief, only a way through
Grief cannot be hurried.
You need time to mourn and accept tragedy
Grief and bereavement come to us all.
You will find it impossible to accept.
You cannot believe it has happened to you.
You yearn for them.
Grief is the price of love and being loved.
And you must grieve - you need to release your feelings.
It is natural to cry and sob.
As natural as smiling an laughing.
Do not deny or hide your grief - accept it.
It is a healing process, a way of coming to terms with loss.
Let your tears and feelings come.
Do not bottle them up.
Crying is not self pity - it is a necessity - so cry when you need to.
Eventually you will come through that long, dark tunnel.

Linoge

rebel72 wrote:

It's only been 7 weeks tomorrow and I've been relatively good. But my best friends father died yesterday and I've just come back from the funeral and it brought back some horrible memories.

As Sarah Mc was saying, that will probably never ever change unfortunately.

rebel72 wrote:

I'm a very outgoing person and usually very positive. But now I'm angry most of the time and VERY intollerant of what I consider other people stupid issues.

I'm the same, I find it very hard to be sympathetic to anyone (even to you after seeing your first post, changed my mind though!)

Just dont forget that just because peoples problems aren't neccesarily as big as yours, doesn't mean that they aren't hurting. Its difficult to do I know, but try.

Blue Taurus

Sorry for your loss. I lost my Mam almost 5 months ago. There was times after her passing when I thought I was loosing it completely. Mam battled serious illness for years. Still though, her passing was very much unexpected. She was a fighter and always responded well to treatment. In the end she met an obstacle that was just too high and I suspect she was sick of putting on a brave face and fighting pain.

7 weeks is still very early. In my experience the worst phase comes after the first few weeks when the people who support you tend to drift away. I felt so low that I actually half thought about ending it all. But I realized quickly that would cause more hurt and I had to go on and life my Mother wanted for me. My immediate family has been great, we talk all the time and try to help each other though bad days. However outside of them I have felt let down by some people. Friends, colleagues and extended family get very uncomfortable when I mention Mam, so I generally keep things to myself. I guess people get nervous talking about such subjects and don’t want to upset me. At the start I got mad about people going on about everyday stupid sh*t, but that is the way of life, I even find myself worrying about everyday stuff now. We all have to live.

I tried counselling a few times and I have found it very useful. The lady I went to assured me the feelings I felt were quite normal and encouraged me to grieve.

I miss my Mother more than anybody will ever know but I know now that I will somehow get through this. She would want me to carry on and be happy.

You will get through this. Give yourself a break from time to time. Do things you enjoy. I have had some nice weekends away and so on. Surprisingly enough I also found work helps. The routine of getting up going in and meeting people everyday takes the mind of things.

Sorry about my rambling reply but this is a subject close to my heart. Everybody grieves differently, do what feels right for you. Keep the faith. You will be fine.

knockinglass

get counselling!!! lost my Dad,my brother,my gran and a close mate within a few years of each other went through the mill but life becomes normal eventually if in dublin try turning point in dun laoire

metrovelvet

rebel72 wrote:

It's only been 7 weeks tomorrow and I've been relatively good. But my best friends father died yesterday and I've just come back from the funeral and it brought back some horrible memories..

Your grief is young and raw and is a product of the love you had/have for your mother. 7 weeks is still so new... [I think at that stage I was still automatically picking up the phone and dialling my dads number and had to remind myself that he was dead]. Its so so hard. You wont get over it you never do, but you do learn to live with it and when the anger fades your love will return.

Im so sorry.

rebel72 wrote:

I'm a very outgoing person and usually very positive. But now I'm angry most of the time and VERY intollerant of what I consider other people stupid issues. Work got me through recently but now it's really p*ssing me off.

Perfectly normal. Your in mourning and your priorties are at a totally different level than theirs. You just experienced the loss of life, they probably just lost their pencil or some other inane worry.

cashback

Sorry about your mother OP.
My father died suddenly two months ago. Completely out of the blue as he was in his mid-fifties, very fit and had no signs of problems. Heart attack.
I was in Sydney at the time so that made it harder. Having to come back alone. I was just in shock.
Just when we were getting over that, my grandmother died two weeks later. She had been sick but it was the timing was bad. I found it hard to grieve for her, having just dealt with my fathers death.
It's very hard on my mother, losing a husband and mother in such a short time. But she's doing ok I think.
My sisters are younger too and it's tough on them.
I know though that in time things will get better.

445279.ie

Thanks very much everyone for your kind words and advice. I'll look into counselling next week and get the ball rolling on that.

H
xxx