The Importance Of Sex

LegacyUser

I've been going with a girl now for about 18 months. We get on great. The one thing though is that I feel our sex life is dead in the water. Or slowly dying. I happen to love sex (as most blokes do I guess) and find myself getting down a lot lately over this. Bascially when I try and talk to her about it I get a 'oh god, here he goes again' type of response. I asked her last night does she enjoy lovemaking and I got 'well it wouldnt be on my list of priorities', which in my head is 'I couldnt care if we never made love ever again'. Now I know that sex is not the end-all of a relationship but for me, the physical aspect is very important. She told me that she 'doesnt feel closer to me' when we make love. Maybe I am naive but I thought girls were a bit more emotional than guys when it came to this kind of stuff. I personally think a lot of it has to do with the fact that recently she has put on a little bit of weight. But it is really affecting me. I know I love this girl, and am very patient, but I almost feel that it will be the breaking point. I have tried to talk to her about it. Even suggesting romantic stuff with baths, candles seems to be dismissed. Anyone else have any similar experiences?

declanoneill

Sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, but it is an important part, and can certainly be a deal breaker.

How often do you have sex? Is it always the same position? Does she take an active role or just "lie there and think of Ireland"?

How old are you? Assuming you're 25 or under, personally, I'd run if the sex was dying off. Have fun when you're young, you'll spend enough time NOT having sex when you're older

Hagar

If you feel you will be happy with this girl in an increasingly celibate relationship stick with it and the best of luck to you both. Otherwise get your coat.

Caryatnid

In my opinion, and experience - sex is not the most important part of a relationship, but lack of sex/sexdrive can often point/hint at other problems.

Women, and men - I think it's important to judge your girlfriend as an individual person, instead of a 'woman' - often associate sex with the 'wellness' (bad word, I know) of a relationship. I'm not talking about a one-night stand, but within a long term relationship, like yours.

I presume you know more than myself - but from reading your post, it seems she doesn't really fancy you any more. Perhaps the excitement or 'in love' part of the relationship is gone. I think this can go because
a) you are just not suited........or
b) you have gotten lazy at working at the relationship.

I dunno if this helps. Hope it does, somehow. Good luck.

IMO you can be with anyone for a year - but after a year is when you actually have to work at a relationship - the excitement of a 'new person' isn't there any more - so you actually have to put more effort into it.

Cary.

Chinafoot

Mysteron wrote:

I personally think a lot of it has to do with the fact that recently she has put on a little bit of weight.

If this is the case then she may be feeling down on herself and possibly believes that you don't find her attractive. If she doesn't feel attractive and comfortable with herself then chances are her sex drive will drop significantly.

Make her talk to you. This is obviously a big issue for you. The physical side isn't the be all and end all but I do agree that it is an important part of relationships and to be honest I'd be quite worried about her comment that it doesnt make her feel closer to you.

BoozyBabe

I don't think it looks good tbh.

Was your sex life great at the beginning of the relationship & has just dwindled now?

I was with my ex for 5 years. At the beginning of the relationship we had quite a bit of sex, but for the last year or probably more, we had very little.
Why? I was never in the mood. We'd have sex once every 6-8 weeks on average probably, & that was only because I felt sorry for him that he wasn't getting any.
I knew there was something wrong, & a couple living together shouldn't be like that, but though I wanted to change it, I had no real desire to change it.

Looking back, the relationship had died on me. I loved him very much, but was not attracted to him in any way anymore. When I eventually broke up with him, I didn't even mourn the end of the relationship as I had come to terms with it long before it ended.

I had thought it was me, I just had a low sex drive, with no real interest in it, but I'm now in a new relationship for just under a year & I can't get enough, I probably even have a higher sex drive than my (now) boyfriend.

This is going from a girl who didn't care less if she didn't get any for months on end, to wanting it at EVERY opportunity she can get it. The only thing that changed was the partner.

Sex may not be the most important thing in a relationship, but it is definitely one of the most important. Without it, most relationships are nothing.
For me, it definitely is about the closeness & intimacy you feel with your partner, & I don't think there's anything more powerful than sex to allow you to feel that.

OP:- do you think your gf could be going through what I did with my ex?

Dreamer 7

My man would love us to have more sex than we do but like ur gf it wouldnt be high my priorty list. However we do get down to it at least 3-4 times a week and we have two young children so the circumstances are a little different.
Personally i find talking about sex the big turnoff, i prefer to be approached physically and get carried away so i dont wanna stop!
Also its great that you are suggesting romantic stuff candles etc, but instead of talking about it do it and surprise her!
Is everything else ok in the relationship or as boozybabe said could the whole thing be gone off the boil???

Teamhair

I wouldn't be the most highly-charged woman around sexually, but I think it is important for two people who are in love to actually make love. It binds them in a way that nothing else can. The intimacy of it is something that shouldn't ever be forgotten and can't be replaced by any other activity.

The reason I'm replying to this is because right now I'm in a relationship with a very special man whom I love more than life itself. I'm absolutely mad about him but truth is, we're having problems of a sexual nature also. We make love occasionally and its fantastic but oddly, he's unable to climax and also seems very reticent about actually touching me. And he pulls away when I try to touch him in a way thats more than a kiss or a cuddle or a hug. Unless there's few beers on both of us (we turn wild!) its generally quiet, gentle lovemaking. I often get the feeling that he's not telling me something, maybe something thats happened to him in the past. I don't know. He's had so much happen to him over the last few years, and he suffers the odd bout of depression that last a few days or so and gets easily stressed by his work. Its been my experience in past relationships that men are generally more than happy to touch the women they're mad about! Sometimes its a case of having to push them off you! But not this guy and I do worry. I guess I just want him to want and desire me as much as I do him, and it gets me down when I sometimes think that maybe this isn't the case. Its clicheed, but a woman when feeling rejected will autmatically think, "it's me" and there's nothing guaranteed to crush a woman more than the fact or even the suspicion that she's not loved or desired or needed.

Anyway, all this came out this morning and he refused to talk about it. He stormed off slamming the door and I don't know if he's coming back. I've texted him, no reply and I really feel like crap. I've taken the day off work so I'll probably be on Boards most of the day if anyone wants to throw in their 2 cents! Please, no comments that he may be gay. I'm 100% certain that this isn't the issue. Well, 99% certain.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys. Yep, I am over 25. And I would say that at the moment, its usually once a month or so... I am aware that a lot of it is on her part, what I mean is that she isnt very confident with her body at the mo. But at the same time, I dont really see her doing anything about it (sorry to be cruel).... which to me means that she is comfortable enough to carry on like this. Our sex life was much better before, more 'experimental', now, sadly it is a case of her 'just lying there'. I have to make the moves, and any deviation from the norm (ie, a different position) is usually met with a sigh. I dont think it is a case of her not feeling attractive towards me - I think it is prety obviously that I love her body both from what I say to her and the body language. It more a case of me now not feeling in any way attractive to her and doubting my suitability for her. Trying to talk about it also has an affect of making it sound mechanical or whatever. And yes, her comment about not feeling closer to me breaks my heart!

sullivk

I agree with boozybabe on this 1...
Was with my b/f for 3 years, when we first got together we couldn't get enough of eachother but then the last year of the relationship was awful...I could easily have gone without sex for months, he constantly begged me so I did it once a month just to keep him happy...
That relationship eventually ended.
I'm with my new b/f 9 months now and my sex drive is incredible...
The closeness and intimacy is amazing...
Maybe u need to be more romantic, SUPRISE her with candlelit dinners, baths, walks on the beach (sounds cheesy but it works!!)

If she laughs at ur efforts and nothing changes then mayb ur relationship has run its course and if she isnt willing 2 make an effort then mayb shes trying 2 tell u something

Kell

Mysteron wrote:

I would say that at the moment, its usually once a month or so...

:rolleyes: +

Mysteron wrote:

I have to make the moves, and any deviation from the norm (ie, a different position) is usually met with a sigh.

= Seriously get your coat.

If she is not flicking your switch anymore and doesnt want to talk about it, move on. Its only been 18 months so chalk it up to a learning experience.

K-

Fanny Cradock

her rather cruel and hurtful statement about not feeling closer to you after making LOVE, and her dismissal any time you attempt to broach the subject, would suggest to me that there may be something fundamentally wrong with the relationship. I don't wish to put any phantom doubts in your mind, but are you sure she feels the same way about you?

Dragan

declanoneill wrote:

Sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, but it is an important part, and can certainly be a deal breaker.

Indeed, sex is an important aspect of a relationship.....it is a physical way of expressing your emotions....it's also highly enjoyable and a way to make each other feel damn good about yourselves.

If it 's not there then the relationship is not working, especially if one party is missing it more than the other.

Take that from someone who knows.

I know you can feel like a prick, cuz your not supposed to care about sex, simple fact is you are. Most girls do, most boys do.

It's important, simple as.

tomtoes

Do you think maybe she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore and is too afraid to make the decision to break up and move on? I think maybe she could be trying to push you away subconsciously and in doing this she is hoping that you will make the decision for her??

It's possible that she still loves you very much but there must be something in the relationship that she is not happy with. She may be afraid to talk to you about this because she is afraid to be on her own. I think maybe she is staying in the realtionship for the sake of it and not becasue she truly wants to.

I'm not saying that just because your sex life isn't going well that this is always the case. Just speaking from experience.

Hope it works out for you.

Pipp

Im going to post my experience to see if it helps you as its from a different point of view.
Ok, Im with my partner eight years and I truly love the guy, wholeheartedly. I still think hes gorgeous and when things are good between us I still get the old "flutter in the chest and weak knees" I got when I first met him. We have a passionate relationship, and I can honestly say I didnt know what that meant until I met him.
However, all of this stops and stops completely when things arent right. When we fight it seems that all physical contact stops. We both do it, and will both openly admit to it. It doesnt change the fact that I love him and fancy him like mad, and vice versa. Its just that he and I are very similar in the way that if theres something that Im annoyed at him about I just cant bring myself to be physical and neither can he. So, it takes a little time and some work to get back to where its good. We both know the score and we can spot the signs so thankfully we sit down and discuss stuff, sort it out and try not to let things fester and kill our physical relationship. It doesnt always work but we try.
The reason Im saying this is that it might be worth asking your lady if thats the case with her. Maybe you just need to have a real heart to heart and go right back to basics.
Does she love you as much as you love her? If she does you can fix this.
Maybe she is really embarrassed about her weight gain and needs you to reassure her in a way that will stick in her head.
All Im saying is dont give up.

Laslo

I have to say, personally I'd be out of there. My pride wouldn't take that at all.

BossArky

Its over.

Tell her you want to break up.

She'll ask why, you tell her the reasons you posted here.

At least you make get a bit of talk out of her.

You may then stick together. If not, it really is over.

cupsoftea

I don't think I agree with all the dump her immediately replies.

Firstly you say she has put on weight. This can have an huge impact on a woman's sex drive. Suggesting romantic things is a good idea. But for example when i'm feeling a bit chubby getting naked in a bath where it's all on show doesn't do it for me so other things might be a good idea.
Going out and doing things together is a good idea, nice meals out, concerts etc. And make sure she knows you find her attractive. If she has a birthday or something coming up or if you can afford it anyway a spa voucher might make her feel attractive and sexual again.

And I agree with the poster who says that her lack of sex drive might be indicating that she is not happy with something in the relationship. Do ye talk about the future, does she feel the relationship is going somewhere etc. It seems to me (and sorry for generalising) that alot of men seem to think the lack of sex is the problem, when it is merely the result of the problem.
Are you absolutely sure that there isn't something else that needs fixing?

Also is your sex life becoming routine. I don't mean, the same positions and only in bed etc. But is it a case of she comes first and then when that is out of the way that she has to stay there waiting for you to come while she thinks of what to have for breakfast- (a few of my friends just complained of this recently so i thought maybe its ye're routine to?)

Of course it could be that she has a low sex drive and nothing will help. But I hope its not this.

Trinity

Hi

i think sex is extremely important. The couple that plays together stays together and in my opinion, without sex your just friends and i'm sure you have enough of those that you dont have to commit to and let life pass you by.

what would upset me more though is the fact that as you say you are greeted with a sigh if you try a new position etc


i find that highly offensive and degrading. and i'm a woman! SOrry i cant find anymore eloquint words to describe how that would make me feel if someone put me down like that!!

How dare anyone 'sigh' at someone else and make them feel like a piece of ****, particularly someone they are supposed to love as if to say i'm bored get off me. I'm sure she is not taking you or your feelings into consideration at all.

And then you are greeted with the oh here we go again when you try to broach the subject. Does she have any respect for you? at least you are trying to work things out.

what type of relationship do you have outside of the sex?

TBH (and it is just MY opinion), it sounds like she is either bored or just has that 'settled' attitude.

some people when they get into a serious relationship just let themselves go and stop trying cos they feel they dont have to anymore, they are out of the game and have bagged them a keeper. You see it all time not just in women but in men. They stop trying.

what that old joke about the wedding cake and the disappearing sex drive?

She wouldnt fancy someone else would she? (just another thought dont read too much into it and no offence!!)

Marksie

Teamhair wrote:

I wouldn't be the most highly-charged woman around sexually, but I think it is important for two people who are in love to actually make love. It binds them in a way that nothing else can. The intimacy of it is something that shouldn't ever be forgotten and can't be replaced by any other activity.

The reason I'm replying to this is because right now I'm in a relationship with a very special man whom I love more than life itself. I'm absolutely mad about him but truth is, we're having problems of a sexual nature also. We make love occasionally and its fantastic but oddly, he's unable to climax and also seems very reticent about actually touching me. And he pulls away when I try to touch him in a way thats more than a kiss or a cuddle or a hug. Unless there's few beers on both of us (we turn wild!) its generally quiet, gentle lovemaking. I often get the feeling that he's not telling me something, maybe something thats happened to him in the past. I don't know. He's had so much happen to him over the last few years, and he suffers the odd bout of depression that last a few days or so and gets easily stressed by his work. Its been my experience in past relationships that men are generally more than happy to touch the women they're mad about! Sometimes its a case of having to push them off you! But not this guy and I do worry. I guess I just want him to want and desire me as much as I do him, and it gets me down when I sometimes think that maybe this isn't the case. Its clicheed, but a woman when feeling rejected will autmatically think, "it's me" and there's nothing guaranteed to crush a woman more than the fact or even the suspicion that she's not loved or desired or needed.

Anyway, all this came out this morning and he refused to talk about it. He stormed off slamming the door and I don't know if he's coming back. I've texted him, no reply and I really feel like crap. I've taken the day off work so I'll probably be on Boards most of the day if anyone wants to throw in their 2 cents! Please, no comments that he may be gay. I'm 100% certain that this isn't the issue. Well, 99% certain.

I dont know which one to answer first though what i tell the OP may aply here.
OP: it appears that she may be unconnected to you. It may be that she is not connected to herself properly in some way. Lovemaking in a realtionship Is very important, not for 100 different positions, but to bond with the person. It may be a self esteem issue with her if she has put on weight. Before you go doing anything drastic step back a little and try and communicate. Avoid saying YOU are making etc. refer to yourself as in I feel. In that way it may not mean that she gets defensive.
Some good ideas about mood setting have been put forward, but as someone said going back to basics... when you first stated dating how did it feel.. go back to that and start by showing affection. nothing grandiose, just little gestures, touches smiles. reconnect with her and be patient! dotn necessarily expect her to have sex.If you learn to touch and explore again..massage is good, but stop short of actual sex thats fine, dont get hung up. its a gradual process.

Teamhair: some may apply here for you as well. unfortunately he has gone completely on the defensive , but it seems the situation is similar. Let tjhings cool down a little. he may have issues over climaxing and opening up and being vulnerable. Its very hard to do but be gentle.. you may have touched a raw nerve. I hope he does come back to yu. But dont expect answers straight away. its going to be a lng process, but be open to him. Hopefully by doing that and not getting defensive or upset he will begin to open back. don't immediately suggest counselling or anything, just gently persist in touching him and stop if he shys away.. dont get upset and pull away..smile to let him know its ok. Be open and he may begin to be open himself. Possibly juts hold him let him know that he is not being threatened.

dooloo

you cant go on like this.

you need to have it out with her and give yourselves a chance. if she's not willing to make an effort, then it's time to leave.

Ickle Magoo

From a woman's perspective, I would hate to be in a sexless relationship....if my relationship went down that route then I would need to get to the bottom of what was causing the issue and if that wasn't forthcoming, I would leave.

You really need to sit your gf down & tell her how much you miss the physical side of your relationship & ask her why she doesn't enjoy being physical with you. Best of luck.

Marksie

Ickle Magoo wrote:

You really need to sit your gf down & tell her how much you miss the physical side of your relationship & ask her why she doesn't enjoy being physical with you. Best of luck.

I agree with the first part Ickle, but the second part i think would get her defensive.

Turn it around a little "i dont feel that i am giving you as much enjoyment in sex as I could"

In that way you aren't challenging her directly which will get a closed response.
Be prepared if she does open NOT to get upset just listen, accept, think.

Try and avoid accusations or losing the temper.

Ickle Magoo

I took from the OP's gf stating she could take or leave sex & rolling her eyes whenever he mentions having sex that she couldn't really get much more negative or defensive, perhaps the direct approach could be the best way of opening honest & frank discussion?

"i dont feel that i am giving you as much enjoyment in sex as I could"

just sounds like a cheesy roundabout way of trying to get into her knickers rather than a serious discussion on something that is jeopardising their relationship....just a girls perspective.

gamer

i read some article in paper,it says womens interest in sex, declines 12 months into a relationship,men never lose interest,she may have a low sex drive,go to sex consellor as couple or else break up,is there any romance left in this relationship,like buying flowers,spontaneous kissing .if romance is gone ,then maybe its time to leave.Sounds like she doesnt like sex,maybe shes a lesbian and doesnt know it,or has a low sex drive.

Hermione*

The fact that she's disinterested is one thing, and is quite possibly linked to her weight gain. What's more inportant imo is her refusal to acknowledge and/or resolve the issue. If she's not willing to talk about it, she's obviously not willing to inconvenience herself for the sake of the relationship.

Talk to her about it again, and tell her it's making you doubt the purpose of the relationship. Seriously, do you want to live your life like this?

Marksie

Ickle Magoo wrote:

I took from the OP's gf stating she could take or leave sex & rolling her eyes whenever he mentions having sex that she couldn't really get much more negative or defensive, perhaps the direct approach could be the best way of opening honest & frank discussion?

just sounds like a cheesy roundabout way of trying to get into her knickers rather than a serious discussion on something that is jeopardising their relationship....just a girls perspective.

Possibly, i was thinking off the top of my head there Ickle and its hard to put across a complex idea in a sentence. Then again isnt the wheole thing becasue he isnt getting in her knickers??? . But i think the principle of using "I" is what matters.(from a tantra pesrspective ).

I believe that direct wouldn't open an honest discussion but would get a door slammed (metaphorically) in the face. Given the fact it hasn't woked before why should it that approach work again?

What we can agree on is that something has to be done and, whatever the approach, she has tio be brought tio the table as it were.

Black Swan

Trinity1 wrote:

i think sex is extremely important. The couple that plays together stays together and in my opinion, without sex your just friends and i'm sure you have enough of those that you dont have to commit to and let life pass you by.

Indeed! Right on! Especially the part about play!;)

daRobot

Walk away.

If she's like this now, god only knows how bad she'll be if/when you get married.

Some people just have incompatible sex drives.

magnum69

the way i look at it, your gf's having a problem and it might be more than the problem with weight...why not talk to her about it? once this is figured out your sex problem might get a healthier look.;)

Busterpuss

being a woman myself, if im not interested in sex, i just dont fancy the person, end of.

Ickle Magoo

Busterpuss wrote:

being a woman myself, if im not interested in sex, i just dont fancy the person, end of.

That is what I was trying to say & why I think the direct approach is best....you put it much better. I don't think any amount of cajooling & "What else can I do for you in bed" is going to help much...sorry

Miss Fluff

No interest in sex is often symptomatic of other problems. She is either really conscious of her weight of she's just not that into you anymore . Either way you need to sort it out, to be so palpably disinterested and rude by sighing etc will not do your self-confidence any good. As someone pointed out, you might as well just be friends than be in a sexless relationship. I know so many women who let sex dwindle towards the end of the relationship because they don't want to be with their partner anymore. To emotionally disengage is hard for most women and it's hard to be the usual temptress in the bedroom when you don't fancy your man anymore. Simple as.

Busterpuss

hate to be so blunt but its true, was with a guy for 4 years and while having our break up argument he said to me "we dont even have sex now whats it going to be like in ten years" i knew then it was over for good. had no interest. I do agree that a womans sex drive goes down when she settles into a relationship, for various reasons but it does not mean sex stops altogether or slows down to once a month or watever, but honestly, i can only speak for myself, if im not havin the sex in a relationship, im not interested.