Thirtysomething

Celtic67

Hi,
Growing up I had 4 really close friends and we did everything together. The five us are 30 years old now. Over the last 2 years 3 of them have moved abroad to live with partners etc. The other one is still around but is pretty much settled down with his partner however we do still socialise a lot together. I find myself at this stage being the only one single. I have a mortgage, job etc. Apart from the 4 guys above I do have a very wide circle of friends (but not as close as the above), work colleagues, drinking pals whom I socialise with frequently. While I know these people well I would not pop round of an evening for a chat etc or do other things that would not involve going out at the weekends.
The situation is at the moment that I really feel I need to take a step back from the whole socialising/boozing lifestyle for a few months to sort out my finances and get myself fit.
The thing is it is going to be hard to sit in/abstain as I have been living this lifestyle for 10 years, especially hard being single. Also I do not want to alienate myself from my social circle either a lot of whom my only interaction with is going out to the pub.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did they approach it? It may be a case of me needing a kick in the a*** and deciding its something I want to do and getting on with it??
Any views??

pokerwidow

Celtic, I kind of know what you mean about friends moving away and it is hard to keep in contact when there are babies, partners and generally life getting in the way. But such is life and good friends will stay friends forever even if they are on the other side of the world.

Fair play to you for getting fit. Is there a local sports team you can join? You can have a healthy life style and still make friends. I know you want to save money, but if you join a gym with your drinking money, you have plenty of change left over for other things too. At least there will be women at the gym too. Socialising in Ire is hard if you want to avoid the pub, but think of other things in your area and I am sure you will find something.

Best of luck and think of those abs.

LegacyUser

Celtic67 wrote:

Hi,
Growing up I had 4 really close friends and we did everything together. The five us are 30 years old now. Over the last 2 years 3 of them have moved abroad to live with partners etc. The other one is still around but is pretty much settled down with his partner however we do still socialise a lot together. I find myself at this stage being the only one single. I have a mortgage, job etc. Apart from the 4 guys above I do have a very wide circle of friends (but not as close as the above), work colleagues, drinking pals whom I socialise with frequently. While I know these people well I would not pop round of an evening for a chat etc or do other things that would not involve going out at the weekends.
The situation is at the moment that I really feel I need to take a step back from the whole socialising/boozing lifestyle for a few months to sort out my finances and get myself fit.
The thing is it is going to be hard to sit in/abstain as I have been living this lifestyle for 10 years, especially hard being single. Also I do not want to alienate myself from my social circle either a lot of whom my only interaction with is going out to the pub.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did they approach it? It may be a case of me needing a kick in the a*** and deciding its something I want to do and getting on with it??
Any views??

I know where you are coming from. I was in more or less the same boat as you. There were 3 of us that were really good friends, one moved abroad and the other was at the opposite end of the country. We would only see each other at xmas but we are trying to improve this. I was exactly like you regarding work/drink buddies, only meet to get wasted. It's all I ever did, blew all my money going out most nights and got overweight. Luckily I met a girl (not Irish), packed in the job and moved abroad to be with her. Got sick of Ireland and it's drink culture, I saw no other way out. Best thing I ever did. My finances are now sorted, going regularly to the gym and in good shape like I was in my early 20's. I took a major pay cut moving abroad but I don't care about the money, so much happier with life now. I'm not saying that you need to move country but you just need to get yourself out of the drinking routine and put yourself in a differnt environment. Change job, swap the pub for the gym during the week, you'll meet new people there and opportunities will come up to join in team sports as well once you get to know them! Once you are in the gym you'll be saving money instead of spending it on beer!

Colm_OReilly

Celtic,

I see this a lot whereby people have small tight social circles and then a more casual network of people they know, who they only socialise/interact with in certain situations. The funny thing is that even though this is the norm, people still think they're missing out or that they don't know enough people.

Like _+_ said, fair play to you for getting fit. You may get a new friend out of that, at least there'll be one or two social events you could go to.

Personally, I wouldn't recommend completely ignoring the socialising aspect of your life, since if you do that your life still will be out of balance. You're trying to balance out your finances, socialising, and health - which can be tricky, but it is possible.

So you've made the right decision, keep it up!

Any other questions PM me or post.
Colm

Trinity

Hey there

I think finding the right balance is important. Sitting in every night can get pretty lonely and can lead to a rut.

I have a kind of similar problem in that i have very few friends and as i usually only get out one night a week it always to the pub.

you may meet new people in the gym but maybe a sport or hobby that you are interested in (i mean a kind of team sport) where you are more likely to get chatting to like minded people who you may spark up a friendship with and start socialising with in some places other than the pub. Pool, bowling etc and even as you say popping into each other some evening for a cuppa and a chat.

or you could also give one of your current social circle a text and maybe you suggest meeting for a game of pool or something. You'd be surprised how many people are just sick of the pub scene but tend to go just to follow the crowd and get out.

i know i often ended up in the pub cos if i didnt go i would end up sat at home alone!

The Corinthian

Your experience is pretty typical of people in Ireland (as one’s late twenties - early thirties is when people tend to settle down here). I’ve a group of twelve close friends that I’ve known since university. At thirty I think four were in stable relationships (one married) and one had a child. By thirty-five only three of us remained single and a further six sprogs have been dropped between us.

As you move from your twenties to your thirties a few things start to happen; first many will end up first in stable relationships (and marry) and secondly you become more tired. By the latter I mean you can’t go on a three day bender with your mates like you could when you were 22 - increasingly a few pints alone on a ‘school night’ will give you a hangover.

Even when you do go out the emphasis has changed; if you’re single you’ll probably want to go out to places where you can meet people. As the number of friends in your group that are attached or married increases, people will become less willing to go to ‘lively’ places, favouring ‘quite’ pubs instead.

So people start getting lazy - also because they increasingly will buy houses miles from town - and as a result first the mid-week pints begin to dwindle, then the weekends become more subdued. When the first kid comes along, that pretty much limits to a minimum how often you’ll see the parent in question - by the second you’ll pretty much only get to see them at weddings, christenings and funerals for the next eighteen years.

This is one of the reasons that dating and other Internet sites are becoming so popular - not because people are looking for love, but because they’re looking for new social outlets. So, I suggest you find a hobby; learn a language or to dance, for example, and expand your dwindling social circle.