Postpone Wedding?

LegacyUser

Don't know why I'm doing this I'm bound to get slated here.

I am supposed to be getting married next week and now I don't think I can. My fiance went on his stag night and "allowed himself to be talked into" a trip to a strip club and a private lap dance.

I know that this is fairly normal to a lot of people but I am disgusted. I never left him in any doubt as to how abhorrent this type of behaviour is to me, and that I would never want to be with a man who would do this. I'm not a Mary Whitehouse wannabe, as far as I'm concerned if that's what people want to do they can do it, but it would turn me off them as a lover/partner. Just like I will campaign for pro-choice but I doubt I'd ever have an abortion myself.

Tbh, I'm completely shocked. I would never, ever have imagined he would do something like this. His absolute lack of "laddism" is one of the reasons I was attracted to him in the first place. We've been together 6 years and he is the one who female friends ask to make sure their fiances don't end up on strip clubs on their stag nights.

I am completely devastated right now. I'm not sure if he is the man I want to be with anymore and I'm certainly in no fit state to marry him in the next 2 weeks. I don't know what to do?

Kell

half-a-sham wrote:

His absolute lack of "laddism" is one of the reasons I was attracted to him in the first place. I don't know what to do?

Get over yourself. People have foibles and fall off the pedastal others put them on occasionally. Accepting this is what makes marriage work.

What happens some night he is out with the lads, falls home and pukes in his sleep leaving curry chips all over your pillow? Divorce?

K-

Mrs_Doyle

Imagine your life without him...... is it better?

I think you have your answer.

Gordon

Speak to him for starters.

Trinity

It was his stag night. At least he didnt sow his wild oats one last time.

Probably would have been a bit of a boring stag had they all just sat around the local or went clubbing like any other nite.

it had to be a bit different or special.

most lads go off for whole weekends to amsterdam or whatever.

everyone has their standards and you are entitled to yours but postponing the wedding is a little ott in my opinion.

postponing it means putting it off til another time, so you are still willing to marry him. why put everyone through that drama and expense?

I agree that if a partner was visiting those places regularly i would find it upsetting, but a one off on such a nite as a stag again in my opinion is forgiveable.

um7y1h83ge06nx

I thought after reading the first line that you were going to say he f**ked some random bird or something.

Sure it's not the best thing in the world a woman would want their husband-to-be to be doing on his stag night but this is a normal occurance on a stag.

Overall it seems you're head over heels for this guy, so maybe you should put this down to stag night laddism?

John Mason

if he slept with some i could understand why are you upset but a lapdance on his stag - seriously get over yourself

Beruthiel

Have you talked to him OP?

LegacyUser

Kell wrote:

What happens some night he is out with the lads, falls home and pukes in his sleep leaving curry chips all over your pillow? Divorce?

He has come home drunk and gone to bed naked and gotten **** all over the sheets as he failed to wipe his arse. This is a completely different scenario, I asked him not to do something that really offends me and he did it and he lied about doing it.

London Lazy Jib wrote:

maybe you should put this down to stag night laddism?

I don't think stag night laddism is even remotely acceptable. Not in my relationship anyway.

Trinity1 wrote:

postponing it means putting it off til another time, so you are still willing to marry him.

I'm not sure if I am still willing to marry him, but I certainly don't feel able to decide this on a time limit. He isn't the person I thought he was and I no longer trust him. I haven't been able to eat or sleep for the last 2 days, I am repulsed at the thought of him touching me sexually. It certainly doesn't seem like the start of a happy marriage to me.

Miss Fluff

You love him. He was honest with you about what went on.
Some stags are MENTAL and I can understand how he could be goaded by a group of drunken lads into partaking. I think it would be really foolish and terribly sad to throw away the chance of a happy marriage with a man you love because of YOUR issues and hang-ups. Frankly I find it unbelievable that you would consider not marrying him over something so silly. Are you sure this isn't just an excuse to get out of the marriage??

OrangeOranges

Check the calender quick. Are we still living in the 1950's!!

Jaysis lady! Get over yourself!!

Beside the fact its probably the one time in a blokes life where he doesn't have any control over his activites for the night. He didn't "get talked into" anything. He just didnt have a choice.

Its not like he's down there every saturday night. It was a once-off lad's night out/stag affair.

2 final points:

1- are you really gonna keep your bloke on this tight a lease for the rest of yer lives? IMO theres only 2 ways that can end. The first is you end-up with a bloke who doesnt know his head from his ar*se! A defeated mopey bloke who has lost the will to do anything that might even slightly upset you.
<<<Then you'll complain that he's not "man-enough" anymore! >>>
The second is divorce.

2 - Postpone? Whats the point in that? All you will achieve is dividing the wedding crowd into 2 distinct parts. Those who think your're nuts and those who think your finance is a sleazebag. (old versus young i reckon)

Postpone is a silly dramatic thing to do. If a woman I planned to marry embarrassed me and my family like that. Over something I regard as completely trivial.

I wouldnt marry her.

gamer

he was prbly drunk,dragged into club,by mates, its a stag ritual, lapdancers are not allowed to touch clients in any sexual way.To ere is human,give him a break.IM sure many women,do strange things on hen nights,it goes both ways.unless you think he went off with some woman,there no reason to cancel wedding.women have been known to go to strippers,chippendales etc no noone complains bout that.

Gordon

half-a-sham wrote:

This is a completely different scenario, I asked him not to do something that really offends me and he did it and he lied about doing it.

How did you find out he lied?

What would be the problem if you broke up with him? All for the best surely?

jasonb

I recently went on a Stag Weekend to Edinburgh, and ended up in one of those establishments. My first time there, and to be honest, my last. I never had much of an interest in paying to see half-naked women dance. I'm just not into it, and I wouldn't have gone at all except it was my mate's stag, and the 'gang' decided that we were going there.

Don't underestimate how hard it is to stand up and say 'no, I'm not doing this, no matter how many other people want to go'. It's not easy for any friend to say that to a group of friends.

You say one of the things that attracts you to him is his general 'lack of laddism'. Do you think he's changed? That he's going to be a stereotypical 'lad' because of this one night? If the only reason you like him is because of this trait, then maybe you shouldn't be marrying him in the first place. But it sounds like you're mad about the guy, and 'just' feeling hurt right now.

When it comes down to it, you're probably feeling hurt not because of the actual activity, but because he did something that he knew you weren't comfortable with. Did he himself tell you that he did it? I'd hope that the two of ye can talk about it, you can tell him that you feel hurt, he can apologise for hurting your feelings, and you can put it behind you and get married. I'm not married myself ( yet! ), but from what I've seen of life, there will be a thousand other times when one of you hurts the other, and you'll have to talk about it and forgive each other each time.

J.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

Have you talked to him OP?

Yeah, but I'm finding it hard to judge his reaction.

Miss Fluff, he didn't tell me, he lied. In fact he made fun of a couple of his friends for being upset that he refused to go to a strip-club. I found out through a female friend and when I asked him about it, he lied about the circumstances which I eventually discovered from one of his friends.

I've known women who've been abducted and sold through the sex-trade, a couple of years before I met him I was raped. He knows these things and he knows why I find clubs like these so appalling. He has always claimed to feel the same and that was really important to me.

I just don't trust him anymore.

whippet

to the OP, I would be very careful how you handle this one, if you keep at him about something that probably happens to approx 90% of stags he will be the one to call off the marriage.

Strip clubs can be a very awkard place for most men, only going when full of booze, nervously horsing in to the overpriced beers, standing in groups (for defense!!), praying that a Dancer won't approach them looking to make a few more bob, as to refuse makes you less 'craic' to the lads and to accept will cost you the price of another round.

It is the herd mentality, although there are plenty of people who love these places, but they tend to be regulars !!

Trinity

TBH i cant say i know how you feel because i honestly dont, i wouldnt be impressed at a partner if i were you but cancelling the wedding or overlooking the last 6 years and all his good points over 'one' incident is very very serious.

Are you sure there arent other factors there too. Pre-wedding jitters, uncertainty.

You loved him enough before this to agree to spend the rest of your life with him.

He probably lied about it cos he knew how you would react. Stag's are crazy generally. And yeah you may think he shouldnt care what his mates think but i imagine he would have looked a right boring pratt if he wouldnt do anything remotely crazy at his own stag!

YOur relationship standards are your own but honestly throwing away a lifetime of happiness with a good man over this?

i personally think its very very harsh and perhaps he himself is having doubts as to what kind of life he faces with someone so hard on him?

I'd have a good chat, perhaps there are underlying issues should be discussed before you tie the knot.

Miss Fluff

half-a-sham wrote:

Yeah, but I'm finding it hard to judge his reaction.

Miss Fluff, he didn't tell me, he lied. In fact he made fun of a couple of his friends for being upset that he refused to go to a strip-club. I found out through a female friend and when I asked him about it, he lied about the circumstances which I eventually discovered from one of his friends.

I've known women who've been abducted and sold through the sex-trade, a couple of years before I met him I was raped. He knows these things and he knows why I find clubs like these so appalling. He has always claimed to feel the same and that was really important to me.

I just don't trust him anymore.

Sorry, last postings coincided so didn't see your last post.

In a way I can understand why he lied if he thought you were going to react like this about it. He's human, people make mistakes. Isn't everyone allowed to fall off their pedestal every so often?

As someone pointed out earlier, NO simply isn't an option on some stag weekends. Although you have made it prefectly clear how strongly you disapprove and how much something like this disgusts you, I can't quite get to grips as why you would not marry someone you love over this. Are you sure this isn't a projection of other issues you may not have dealt with?

TheTruthFairy

half-a-sham wrote:

Miss Fluff, he didn't tell me, he lied. In fact he made fun of a couple of his friends for being upset that he refused to go to a strip-club. I found out through a female friend and when I asked him about it, he lied about the circumstances which I eventually discovered from one of his friends.

Given your reaction it is kind of understandable why he tried to cover up what he did.

half-a-sham wrote:

I've known women who've been abducted and sold through the sex-trade

I think you may be confusing stripping with prostitution here.

Some of my male friends have been to strip clubs, hired strippers for stag nights etc. And I know some watch rudey videos as well. I don't feel in any way threatened by them. They, like the vast majority of men, understand the difference between innocent fantasy and sexual assault.

half-a-sham wrote:

a couple of years before I met him I was raped.

Sorry to hear that. Did you have counselling for this?

half-a-sham wrote:

I just don't trust him anymore.

Well if you were asking around what he got up to on his stag night sounds like you didn't trust him beforehand.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote:

As someone pointed out earlier, NO simply isn't an option on some stag weekends.

Actually it is. I've known male friends who have walked out of strip-clubs on their own stags because it was not where they would want to be. Perhaps if I didn't know any guys like this I'd be more tolerant. I just don't get how he couldn't tell the people who are supposed to be his best friends that he wasn't that into it and that it would devastate me.

It's not about any other issue. I was utterly ecstatic a few days ago, I know I can't get that feeling back anytime soon, and I was so happy and I don't want to get married feeling like this, when I could have been feeling like that.

kjt

Give him a break, if you do go ahead and marry him it sounds like he's going to have no fun.

I think for his sake you shouldn't go ahead with it. Best of luck to him.

free2fly

I can understand your feeling betrayed because of your feelings of disgust over the situation and because he promised he wouldn't. But you love this man. And It's not like he did the nasty or anything. It was just a lap dance. I think you need to sit down with him and calmly tell him exactly how you feel about what happened. Be honest and open with him. If you two love each other enough to marry then you should be able to work your way through this.

LegacyUser

TheTruthFairy wrote:

I think you may be confusing stripping with prostitution here.

No actually, quite a few of these women trafficing groups use strip clubs as a cover. They represent the 'legitimate' end of their business. It's pretty common, not all of them do but isn't really possible to tell which are which.

Owen

Mother of God OP, have you been to a lap dancing club? Guess what, he can't touch the girl, and there's no kissing involved. It's about as bad as being in a crowded bus, and about as pleasureable. It's a rite of passage, he didn't cheat on you, and he had his last night out as a bachelor with his mates who pressured him into it. If you give him grief over this, it could be you looking at a postponed wedding. It sounds like you have serious trust issues. If this man has been your best friend and partner for 6 years, and you're willing to put him through hell over one *minor* indiscretion, it doesn't bode well.

cance

fact remains, despite your previous experiences that you are definately over reacting in my opinion.

he got bullied into going into a strip club, got ripped off for the price of beer, felt really uncomfortable for most of the time he spent there and got pushed into a private dance by his mates, felt mortified and out of place for the entire thing and couldnt wait for it to end.

I suggest you have a good long think about this before you make a final decision, as i for one would call your initial reaction a "deal breaker".

half-a-sham wrote:

No actually, quite a few of these women trafficing groups use strip clubs as a cover. They represent the 'legitimate' end of their business. It's pretty common, not all of them do but isn't really possible to tell which are which.

stop feckin over dramatizing, do you know for a fact that this was the case? if not then put that idea out of your mind.

um7y1h83ge06nx

This might be a little weird but how is your sex life?

I'm asking because you say you were attracted to him for his absolute lack of "laddism", was raped, and have taken a very strong view of his stag night.

I'm just wondering does all this add up to you wanting a guy that doesn't have an alpha, testosterone (sp?) fuelled side to his personality as they are offensive/frightening to you?

LegacyUser

London Lazy Jib wrote:

This might be a little weird but how is your sex life?

I'm asking because you say you were attracted to him for his absolute lack of "laddism", was raped, and have taken a very strong view of his stag night.

I'm just wondering does all this add up to you wanting a guy that doesn't have an alpha, testosterone (sp?) fuelled side to his personality as they are offensive/frightening to you?

Oddly enough that's actually way off the mark. I can see where you're coming from but while our sex life isn't as what it was at the start of our relationship, it can still be amazing. It tends to range from passionate/loving to fairly heavy s&m (him being dominant). Odd I know considering my past, but I had sexual tastes before I was attacked and while they certainly took coming to terms with they didn't go away.

Kashkai

Most guys aren't in the least bit interested in Lap dancers/strippers/being chained naked to a lampost etc on their stag night but its all part of the arcane ritual we go through before we get married. It doesn't mean we're turn into horrible evil beings lusting after another woman, its just part of the fun of going out for one last blast with your mates prior to settling down with the woman you love. Hell, some of the hen nights I've heard of would put any stag night to shame- my wife (who's the most decent, kind, shy and loving woman I know) had three hen nights. Didn't mean that she had turned into some kind of slut or anything. Its just a bit of fun.

You sound like you have serious issues of your own that might need counselling. You probably should have sorted these problems out before now. If you're going to be that harsh on your boyfriend now, then I'd hate to be the poor guy if he actually goes ahead and marries you. You sound like some sort of control freak who won't give an inch and who expects your fiance to dance to your tune. I went out with a girl once who was all over me when we did what she wanted, but if I dared to suggest that I go out with my friends for a drink, she'd throw a wobbler (literally e.g. dishes, lamps, frying pan flying in the general direction of my head :eek: ). Best thing I ever did was to get away from that nutter.

So you had a lousy experience with an asshole who raped you, thats in the past now. You say you have a good man now so forget about the bloody stag night and get on with your life. However, if you feel you can't "forgive" him, then do the guy a favour and don't marry him as he'll probably go nuts by your first anniversary.:rolleyes:

the_syco

half-a-sham wrote:

Actually it is. I've known male friends who have walked out of strip-clubs on their own stags because it was not where they would want to be. Perhaps if I didn't know any guys like this I'd be more tolerant. I just don't get how he couldn't tell the people who are supposed to be his best friends that he wasn't that into it and that it would devastate me.

I do hope that those male friends didn't tell you this... cos if they did, and knowing youre haterd of said clubs, they're proberly bullsh|tting, tbh.

Also, one night away was kind of, well, not laddish. Most people who I know who've went on Stag parties goto Liverpool/Manchester/etc for a weekend.

MojoMaker

OP, what the f*ck does you being raped have to do with your fiancé going to a strip club? How dare you not only impose this view upon a man with free will but then seek to compound the situation by presenting him with an OTT post-event reaction designed solely to elicit guilt, remorse, and shame. I can't believe you'd link the two events, even in your own head woman. My God what goes on in there? Be happy you aren't intending to marry a complete dork who'd walk out on his friends, relations, and colleagues in pursuit of some mythical moral high ground, a high ground incidentally he never craved, coveted, or expected.

Honestly, linking rape, however tenuously, to strip clubs. That's a new low, even in this day and age

Kell

half-a-sham wrote:

I don't think stag night laddism is even remotely acceptable. Not in my relationship anyway.

To actually state that. OMG.

Your vision of your relationship seems a tad black and white. Why cant you accept, as I pointed out earlier, that people fall off the ladder sometimes. What defines the relationship is how accept that other people fúck up.

The relationship cant be that great if you are incapable of accepting, in your view, that he fúcked up. Thats the more unstable basis for the wedding in my opinion, not that he stepped out of your line.

Re your past experience- you never stated if you got proper councelling for it. You can be unaware of the amount of damage such a thing causes if you havent had it properly addressed. A rape can make you generally try and take control of things because of being robbed of control at such a deep level. Sounds like you are trying to control him possibly? as a result.

K-

spurious

If you're not 100 per cent sure this is the person you want to be with, call it off or postpone it.

Not worth running headlong into marriage if you have doubts.

You're very brave and honest to be expressing your doubts, way too many people go along when they have had second thoughts because it's easier just do it than cancel things.

Do not marry him if you are not sure you want to.

LegacyUser

the_syco wrote:

I do hope that those male friends didn't tell you this... cos if they did, and knowing youre haterd of said clubs, they're proberly bullsh|tting, tbh.

Nobody knows how much I hate those clubs, I'm not even sure that I do hate them. I think guys who go to them are a bit sad but if we lived in a world where all these clubs were staffed by women who really enjoyed what they do, because a lot of women do, then it's their own perogative. And the guy who told me about this was a friend of the grooms who didn't know whether to be impressed or annoyed when he walked out of the club, and wanted a female opinion.

Why does it matter so much what it is that he did? He knew something he didn't really want to do would hurt me this much and he did it anyway. He says it meant nothing to him, and he didn't enjoy it anyway yet that was worth making me so unhappy? Just so he wouldn't look boring in front of his friends. Either he's pretty guttless and couldn't care less about my feelings or he actually really enjoyed it and wanted to go. Whichever it is, he's not the guy I thought he was and I'm not going to rush into marrying someone who I'm not sure of.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I think it's grossly unfair that you expect your fiance to plan his stag, friends & life around what makes you happy. It was one night, a last night of freedom if you will - what is the point of having that without any freedoms to celebrate? Going to a strip club on a stag is a long held tradition (my husband has ended up in strip clubs on stag nights...big deal - I've been on hen nights with strippers - does it make us love each other any less? Nope)...believe it or not his friends probably know exactly how you would react & did it anyway because he is THEIR friend and they thought HE would find it embarrassing/funny....his stag night shouldn't be turned into all about you - either before or after the event.

He is still the same guy you were in love with yesterday. I think you should postpone the wedding and get councelling for the issues you have rather than transferring them onto your fiance & see how you feel in a yr or so. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

I am actually wondering if he lied... you say you trust him, yet you put a "female friend"'s word above his and also one of his friends could only have told you that to wind you up.

You never heard it from him so maybe there is not as much to it as other people make it out to be?

Doesn't change the fact though that you are a bit ott in my eyes...

LegacyUser

spurious wrote:

If you're not 100 per cent sure this is the person you want to be with, call it off or postpone it.

Not worth running headlong into marriage if you have doubts.

You're very brave and honest to be expressing your doubts, way too many people go along when they have had second thoughts because it's easier just do it than cancel things.

Do not marry him if you are not sure you want to.

Thank you. I'm just not sure of anything anymore and what sort of idiot would I be to enter into a marriage when I feel this way.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Going to a strip club on a stag is a long held tradition (my husband has ended up in strip clubs on stag nights...big deal - I've been on hen nights with strippers - does it make us love each other any less? Nope)...

If the two people in a relationship are ok with it, then of course it doesn't mean they love each other less. When he knew how upset this would make me, yet did it anyway then I fail to see how I am expected to feel the same way about him.

Ickle Magoo wrote:

believe it or not his friends probably know exactly how you would react & did it anyway because he is THEIR friend and they thought HE would find it embarrassing/funny....his stag night shouldn't be turned into all about you - either before or after the event.

There is no way they thought he would find it funny. They may have thought that they would find it funny, but he is seriously the kind of guy who hates this kind of place. He has done technical work in soft-core porn, during our relationship it never bothered me. He explained what the job was, and asked how I'd feel about him doing it, and I found it funny. Jesus, my mother found it funny. I've never known a guy to be more repulsed by porn/strippers. I had to show him who Jordan was only a few months ago, his reponse, a baffled 'I thought she'd be pretty."

I'm not upset because I think he got his rocks off to this, I'm upset because I know he would have hated it and he knows I would have hated it, yet he did it because he didn't want to lose face with his friends. And maybe it is selfish of me, but I'd expect him to care more about hurting me than having his friends take the p*ss out of him for 10 minutes.

BossArky

I think you are over reacting original poster.

Eggonaspoon

In all honesty, it doesn’t matter whether everybody else thinks the lap dance is acceptable or not. To the OP it is clearly not and perhaps we should just take that as a fact and help her from there.

Now I also think it matters that she made it clear to her guy that she doesn’t find lap dances and whatever acceptable. He could easily have said no to his friends, for **** sake, exactly because they are his friends they should accept his decision not to want to let things get out of hand and to want to avoid any problems before his wedding. And if his friends can’t respect that some friends they are… Now I’m just wondering if the guy had the balls to explain this to at least his best mate who could have looked out for him… I don’t found the whole lying thing very impressive either.

Can’t tell ya whether to get married or not. If you can’t make a decision, maybe it’s an idea to go see some sort of therapist with him... Just a thought. Good luck!

LegacyUser

Maybe u shouldnt get married as u sound fairly childish tbh. SO what he went out with his friends, got wasted and went to stripclub. 99.9% of men do this on there stagdo. Would u rather he be a complete pussy so u can b*tch slap him for the rest of his life?

Cut the man some slack and u should chat to him about it, god i know ive done alot worse and if my future wive got offended by that id tell her do one.

Tobias Greeshman

Ickle Magoo's given the best bit of advice so far on this thread OP.
I'd adhere to it if I were you. It's pretty obvious that you still have issues from your past that are undealt with, that are manifesting themselves in trust issues with your partner. You're willing to practically dump him because his mates dragged him to a lap dancing club.

It's pretty much the norm for stags to end up at strip clubs, being the last night of freedom, etc. It doesn't mean your fiancé thinks any less of you, and he was dragged in there drunk.

I also think visiting a counsellor or psychologist for a another while would do you good, and try and address these issues. Pushing back the wedding another 18 months isn't likely to do you any harm now is it, especially when you're talking about the rest of your lives.

vorbis

I'd echo most of the posters and say you're completely over reacting. I mean it was HIS stag night. Yet you turned it into an attempt by him to spite you. The night wasn't about you. It does seem that you have a very controlling nature.

Is there other issues at play here as I've never heard of someone willing to throw away a 6 year relationship over a lapdance? Thats what would most likely happen if you postpone.

LegacyUser

Eggonaspoon wrote:

Can’t tell ya whether to get married or not. If you can’t make a decision, maybe it’s an idea to go see some sort of therapist with him... Just a thought. Good luck!

Thanks for understanding. We have gone to therapy before. Where everyone else will be delighted to know we dealt with many of my past issues. As part of that therapy we discussed and agreed certain boundaries, things that we'd like the other to understand were hurtful or could feel like a betrayal. He was so on board with all of this, in fact he and I had many of the same ideas on what was and wasn't ok for us.

It's why I'm so surprised by this. Tbh, I think that if we have any shot here then we do need to get back into see someone. I doubt we can do that before the wedding.

Fanny Cradock

To reiterate other peoples' advice, go see a professional about the horrific event you have gone through. Possibly there is a direct link between your overreaction (an that's all I see it as) and your experience.

I was at a lapdance club once. I found it sleazy, unerotic, a total rip off and degrading for all there. Possibly you imagine your boyfriend had two strippers/hookers in his arms, tugging his mickey for most of the night, but that didn't happen. I can understand that you may despise these places, but if the BF was "dragged" in there I can totally understand his reluctance to tell you the truth if he had any clue to the severity of your reaction. Without meaning to be condesending, I would seriously think about the state of your relationship if your boyfriend was too scared to tell you the truth about something minor, and you are seemingly so willing to throw it all away.

exCrumlinBoyo

I normally read and not reply. To the OP, I think you have made up your mind about what you need to do here. Now it’s not a matter of who is right or who is wrong. The lad did what he did in the given circumstances, which is against your wishes. Are you or can you forgive him for that? Now forgiveness means you forget about it and it’s no longer an issue. You cannot throw it back in his face every time he upsets you. If you cannot forgive him, I would suggest not getting married because it will lead to doom, simply because you will not be able to trust him and it will always be at the back of your mind eating away at you, which will lead to both of you being unhappy!. In order to get married, you need to let go of this, but I feel you can’t. It’s your prerogative to feel the way you feel about strip clubs and you made your feelings clear to your fella, he messed up and it has hurt you big time. If you cannot let this go and forgive and forget and be at ease with your man, don’t get married, you will ruin both of your lives. You need to go into marriage full of trust and faith and belief for each other. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not saying you are right and he is wrong. You have your reasons why you don’t want your fella to do what he did; your issues built that barrier! Again your fella should have the will power not to go with the crowd in any given circumstance and say no, it’s his party and he will conduct himself as he wishes. In your eyes your fella messed up big time and he knows it, but you cannot totally blame him for your own shortcomings in life. This may sound harsh, but its true… I wish you the best of luck and make the correct decision which will leave you both with the most happiness…

MisterAnarchy

The original poster is obviously winding people up,I find it hard to believe that she didnt expect such behaviour on a Stag party .
Loosen up a bit.

Dampsquid

I think you should call the wedding off....

... he deserves better.

Pink Bunny

Eggonaspoon wrote:

In all honesty, it doesn’t matter whether everybody else thinks the lap dance is acceptable or not. To the OP it is clearly not and perhaps we should just take that as a fact and help her from there.

Now I also think it matters that she made it clear to her guy that she doesn’t find lap dances and whatever acceptable. He could easily have said no to his friends, for **** sake, exactly because they are his friends they should accept his decision not to want to let things get out of hand and to want to avoid any problems before his wedding. And if his friends can’t respect that some friends they are… Now I’m just wondering if the guy had the balls to explain this to at least his best mate who could have looked out for him… I don’t found the whole lying thing very impressive either.

Can’t tell ya whether to get married or not. If you can’t make a decision, maybe it’s an idea to go see some sort of therapist with him... Just a thought. Good luck!

This is the closest reply to how I feel also.
It's not so much the actual event but the fact that he went ahead and did something he knew you were really against then lied about it. I can't say I would cancel the wedding over it, but I do understand why you feel the way you do. At the end of the day it doesn't matter what I or anyone else here thinks, it's just between you and him. Talk it over with him after you have a chance to clear your head and just take it from there. It is drastic to postpone a wedding but far better to do that now and make sure it's what you really want then to get married and then be unhappy.

Gordon

OK that's enough OP bashing please.

Eggonaspoon has a good point here, however strange or 'childish' some people may feel this problem as - it is a problem for the original poster. Therefore can people try to adapt their advice to be advice pertaining to the OP's feelings, without the preachiness, please?

easyontheeye

op, get a life! I wish he could see this thread so that he knows what he is letting himself in for! It was his "STAG" give the man a break, he didnt cheat, and like you said its not his thing, he only did it out of fun!

Marksie

I am going to assume this is kosher, but i am beginning to wonder.

If you feel like that, then you shouldn't go ahead with the wedding, ultimately you are going to make his, and your own life miserable. I dont believe that the stag can be the whole issue and why bring the S+M into it???. You suddenly can't stand to be touched?.. he deserves better than that.